Quotes from the evening

Ate with some vendors/suppliers for dinner
We went around the table introducing ourselves, how long we've worked for our respective companies and our role in the company / brief background. The guys next to me start listing out the companies they used to work for. They basically listed out every other company in the industry.

I'm like (out loud too): Wow, This industry is like a cult
Other guy (15+ yr in the industry): Yea! it is! And it's also like the Mafia. Once you get in, you can't get out.

Looks like I'm in both the mafia and the cult.

Taking a day off tomorrow to clean up my life (or room). And to bake stuff for a Christmas party at 5:30pm. If I had enough vacation days, I would really take random days off more often

So I asked one of the guys who used to work in Santa Clara, CA, why he moved here to work. He just laughed. The guy next to him helped him out: Job. He got a job here.

B Positive

After maybe my most psychologically/emotionally stressful/difficult day at work, I come home to get the mail. Some red cross thing, probably because I donated blood. I open the letter and found that they sent me a new blood donor card for NY state. It reads

Jamie Tsai
B Positive


Even my blood type is telling me to be positive. Definitely cheered me up a bit.

Quotes from Management

"You don't get rewarded for activity. You get rewarded for results"
"Do more with less" (less people, money, time, etc.)
"Everyone's replaceable"

~Quotes from upper management at department meeting.

My reaction to quotes: ....

Anyway, although I myself would have not have publicly said those things to my employees, I'm sure those quotes are basic principles of any business (across probably many industries).

The principles in the workplace are actually the exact opposite of those of God's Kingdom.
The workplace is all about performance. Results. Effort counts a bit, but not really. It's really all about performance. But don't work too much because you're supposed to "do more with less" time/people.  Oh, and you are always replaceable. 

Man, all these false principles just hit me these past two days. Quite a depressing realization actually. Made me think about how awesome God is , as my heavenly Father. I thought about all that throughout small group yesterday. That I'm so so glad I don't have to perform to get daddy's approval. I always know that he always accepts me. That I am valuable and unique and loved, his beloved daughter. Just that confidence and knowledge is so precious and sweet to the soul, like honey. Really. --and lucky for me, this applies to both my earthly parents and my heavenly father (though of course no human is perfect)

Sure, there are still some things that look the same. Like teamwork, being joyful, being humble, peace-making, covering for each other's mistakes, encouraging each other, changing the culture, etc. So, on a day-to-day basis, it is really great. But deep inside the veins of every business is money and performance.

Grateful & Generous

Two words that I would like to have characterize my life.
with respect to God, of course.And because of Him

what does love look like?

What does love look like? is the question I've been pondering.
What does love look like, if all of life comes down to love.
~arms wide open

What does love look like?
 man, love does not look like me.

I'm so glad I caught the message at Light (at cornell). Yes, indeed the gospel message is so beautiful and so real. For a while now, i have been really sucked into other aspects of my life, getting caught up with doing stuff, being good at stuff, looking good, being right, being respected, being cool, accepted, friendly. It's all so, so selfish; it's all about me. Who am I? I am nothing, a vapor, a mist that is here and then gone. I am nothing. I am so, so weak (and I feel that reality more so now that I am beginning to get burnt out). Yet, though I am weak, I am strong. Though I am a vapor, I can move mountains. Though I once was lost and orphaned, I am now God's beloved and chosen.His precious daughter, equipped with all power and authority, with His love that transforms me and His truth that renews my mind each day. I have everything.

So blessed this weekend, visiting Cornell. So much love shown to me. Really needed the message and the people. Thank you for showing me love and sharing your life with me. Pray for me please.

Becoming a jerk

Colleague:

"Why do you think I have the reputation for being a jerk? That's how I get my work done"

Lol... this is a job where people-pleasing will burn you out

Uprooted tree

Probably one of our tallest trees. Uprooted just like that.

Just like that.

I wonder how long my parents are going to leave it like that. Probably until next year

alright that's like what. 2 analogies to life right there? lol.

NJ Power Outage

Lol, i know it's like serious and people have died, but every time I call my mom, she's like "HI!" and at some neighbor's house chilling out and having fun. Kids are playing ipad games, or board games by some fire place. They think it's exciting. (Actually, I think my parents think it's exciting too..).

On the phone, I overhear my dad ask my mom if she manually closed the garage door when she drove out, and my mom was like: No. of course not. I'm already so scared that it's so dark. Why would I go and close the garage door?

-___-.... (requires stepping out of the car). lol....and then she's like: don't worry; no one is going to rob the house.. lol..

I'm like trying to find some inconvenience or suffering that the storm has caused my family, so I keep asking questions, like : ... how do you eat? She's like oh! We can cook.

-__- Apparently we have gas stoves which don't run on electricity -__- sigh.

So, my family is good. End of my amusing-family story

Fall

Fall is like the transition season. School starts for K-12, and you transition into school mode.  Now that I'm out of college, it's like I'm more in sync emotionally with the K-12 school schedule than the college schedule. Sometimes I see high schoolers waiting for the school bus when I drive to work. Sometimes I play tennis at the high school courts, and I see the football players practicing, and the tennis team playing matches. Someone starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner at the football game and everyone stops in respect. You can tell the Asian international guy on the courts is kind of amused at us all stopping and taking off our hats.

So much American culture, growing up here. Born and raised man. Born and raised. Yet, I've never been to a Corn maze until this Saturday. Didn't know about apple cider donuts until college. Didn't know Hot Cider was more than just heated apple cider--supposedly they put extra spices in it too! I don't look at pies on magazines and go "ooo. that looks so good. Look at that texture!" In fact, I've never made a pie before.

Okay, this totally sounds like an Asian American identity crisis, but it's not. Just thoughts. Just saying. Culture, family background, how you grew up, is a very strong part of what you know and think and kind of who you are in a shallow sense at least. Your standard/ idea of what is a "good job" comes probably from a mixture of family, family friends, college friends, people you know, where you grew up, etc.

So, now what? Who cares? What in this life is worth living for?  Okay, now this sounds more like a quarter-life crisis. Kind of restless sometimes.

Reflecting

So thankful for the sisters and brothers who prayed for me last year when I wasn't doing well spiritually, when I was really hurtful, sarcastic, etc. in the first month or so first semestser

Thanks for reaching out to me, walking all the way to my room to say good night, texting me cute messages, asking me how I'm doing, buying pears for me and then telling me not to pay you back--to "ignore the price tag", listening to my ramblings for an hour, correcting my wrong thoughts about life, being gracious about my hurtful comments about life and people, praying for me, writing notes on orange stickies on my wall, initiating hugs, eye contact, sitting next to me, waiting for me to inefficiently incoherently communicate my feelings, initiating talks with me, visiting my room, involving me in things, etc

Seriously. What great friends I have! and what true brother and sisters who show me God's love and then lead me to Christ, because at the end of the day, only God can help me. And He is the sustaining permanent source of love. He is the heart-changer. He is the one I love.

The King's heart is like a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it where he will
~Proverbs 21

God, you have captivated my heart.  Song of the day

Picture update (from today afternoon); pretty pond/lake thing behind my apartment area; i love worshipping outside.

Two groups of friends?

Possible? Two groups of friends that is. (in one location). I wonder how that feels. Or how that works. For me, a lot of my life, it came down to a choice: which group will I hang out with mostly? 

The choice is a choice. It's one of those determining choices, similar to who you sit with at lunch on your first day of High school. It basically determines who your friends are for the next 4 years. And I knew that too--I knew that when I made that choice in High school. I had some Chinese friends who were more extroverted and some Indian friends who were quieter, calmer and more introverted. And I chose the more introverted group to eat with, and for the rest of High School and even now, I barely know the people in the Chinese group. It's a choice. 

Sure, there were people who moved from lunch group to lunch group to "visit" all of their friends, but for the most part that doesn't always work. 

Anyway. I thought about this, because I am beginning to have conflicting activities between work and Church. --as in work friends or work activities, and Church friends/acquaintances inviting me to things. If it's tennis, that's easy. Always choose Church friends over tennis. But if it's like a group activity, or a more intimate activity/hang-out, then I'd most likely choose Work friends. I feel as if, once you stop hanging out with one group of friends as often, you've made a choice. 

The most commonly complained about choice is the: she-got-a-boyfriend-and-never-hangs-out-with-us-anymore complaint. I mean.... whatever man. If he's a good guy and they are serious, then I bless the female friend in her choice. That choice is obvious. Do what you have to do; other people are supposed to understand that one. 

The Church friends one is easily settled if you just set aside that Church service time and that small group time to hang out with Church friends. But you kind of know that there's more to friendship than that. Just like there's more to work friends than just joking around and chatting at work. You have to hang out after work to actually be friends. 

And all of this choice of time leads me to think about how often I choose God. Over food, over checking my email. Over everything else in my life. Why do I have to even worry about keeping my friends? God will take care of it, and God will take care of me. He will satisfy my every need. He will direct my paths and give me wisdom. I am not alone, even when I feel lonely. I am not in need, even when I feel weak and needy. 

Things that made me feel good in the past 48 hrs

Yesterday/Saturday @ 8am:
I'm sleeping @ my NJ home and my cell phone starts ringing. Some 518 number. hm. I pick it up. My friend, who is also a coworker, says hi Jamie. I'm like hi, and wondering if she is calling to ask if I want to go play or something. Then she's like: "Hi Jamie, I'm in front of the eDR [a machine]. How do I do sampling?". And then I walk her through it... It doesn't work. I'm like.". oh.. hm, sometimes you have to refresh. Try different things, like closing the window and then opening it again." It works. LOL. This is my expertise: shaking the tool so that it works. lol. But it did feel good to get called for help on a weekend.


This morning @ work:
I'm heading into the fab; there's a door I'm about to pull open. Someone else on the other side is coming out and pushes the door open, sees me at the door, and then holds the door open with one arm (still standing on the other side--not my side yet) and with his other arm pushes his friend back and says: "move away; she's more important than you".

Lol. never encountered such blatant chivalry/gentleman-ness, if that's the right word for it. Definitely made me smile.


Another call from a different coworker after working hours @ 7:30pm
"Hi Jamie, sorry to call you after your work hours".
"Oh yea, no problem"

aw, what a cutie. being so considerate and apologizing for what's included in my job description. I'm required to be on call lol. aw man, everyone is so cute!

--
Anyway. I guess there are a lot of things in life that make you go: aww, wow. --And perhaps when people are lonelier, these things affect them more. It's always nice to have little encouragements here and there, and to have people value and appreciate you and thank you for things or apologize for things, but those things are not the bread. It's easy to make them the bread of our living, rather than God who is the bread of life.

you satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love ~Ps 90:14

great thing about pressure and stress

The really great thing about stress and pressure is that you get to see your problems...

It's funny how I can complain about people being slow when I myself am known to be the slow one. Seriously. it's ridiculous how prideful I am.

The other funny thing was that I was priding myself on how calm/chill I was in the midst of this problem my project is facing. I still do things fast, but I'm calm, and confident the issue will get solved and everything will get done before the deadline. So I was sort of prideful about this confidence, about not freaking out.

But then later in the day I realized that b/c of all the things we had to do quickly, I was getting frustrated with people for not being as fast as I was, or for not knowing things that they should know, or not reading the emails that we all got and bookmarking important info. Even little things, like when people type slower than me, or change equipment statuses slow (clicking buttons/logging on slow basically), I'm like......... er.... !! ..

Anyway, I also got something from the Church service today. He was talking about 1 Samuel something... about the barren woman who told God that if He gave her a son, she would give the son back to Him. And the pastor highlighted that the woman didn't ask God for a son; she asked Him for a seed to give back to Him. And God granted her a son.  Then I remembered that I did the same thing; I asked for a brother so I could learn how to love (because it's so much easier to love your friends and parents than to show love and affection towards a sibling). So then, I began to think of what areas in my life I could ask God for a seed for at work. ...

Good testimony

I was just watching this youtube clip/testimony on a sister's blog. It's a really good testimony. "Good", not as in a great story, but as in, it brings you to realize from someone's testimony, who God is. 

Not to mention that it's pretty rare that a Christian talks about homosexuality in a non-compromising, yet truthful and loving, wise way. He gives some wise insight about the identity thing. That your identity isn't dependent on tendencies/attractions. Also, I liked how he said that your days are numbered whether or not you have HIV. So true. 

Actually, back to the identity thing...Feeling good is a big thing. I realized that being a jerk and saying things a jerk would say, feels really good. You feel really awesome and powerful and cool after doing it. Or making fun of people in front of other people, all in good humor, feels great. Being funny, making quick witty remarks feels great. It's the same with many other things in life, like achievement/respect, being-in-love, etc. Makes you feel great about yourself. Doesn't always last. 

Like, I can go to work, feel awesome around tons of people. Make jokes, email people competitively, organize some meetings, feel great about my personality and abilities and cool people I get to hang out with and poke fun at and smile creepily at. Then go home and feel totally different. The adrenaline of feeling useful/awesome and amazing and seeing friends/coworkers at work wears off when you get home. 

I can tell already that there are some people who make work their life (many at the company do), and some people who know that work is work, and life is life. In fact, I was quite pleasantly surprised and impressed when one of my "older" colleagues (40s) started advising one of my new-grad colleagues who was stressing out about the project not able to meet the deadline. The older colleague was saying to the new grad: ' work is work .....don't get your emotions into your work.. work is work. ' --It was pretty funny. He/older-guy wrote like a whole paragraph on the chat system to the new grad. lol 

I actually don't know if there's a "right" balance, or a "right" way to do the work/life "balance" thing. I think it's always what God calls you to do. And you wouldn't really know his will, unless ... (Romans 12:2)

It's only been 2.5 months of working so far. I haven't really made a life outside of work yet, though I am starting to play more sports (tennis, bball). So glad fall season is here; finally small groups open up... And, I do think you do have to invest your heart into work. That's the only way you do good work. We aren't called to do bad work, for sure.

Feeling useful

I think that is one thing that schoolwork at Cornell never did for me. I didn't feel like someone else needed me to do homework or to do well on a test. It was for my own achievements' and learnings' sake. That's why I thought I liked helping people. But now I realized that I actually maybe like learning more--if I'm learning things that I can use to be useful to others. I actually maybe like doing things for people more than I like teaching people--aka being useful.

But really, what it comes down to at the end of the day, is not about feeling useful or being useful. It really comes down to love. I would much much rather have love, and I sometimes don't know it. Or I forget it.

We think we are motivated by feeling useful, but a greater motivation is love. You would much rather do things for the people you love than be "more useful". And not just motivated by love, but full of love and led by love.

Be imitators of God therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God ~ Ephesians 5:1-2

As a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Live a life of love. As those who are dearly loved by God.

This is why we seek God

When I see You, Everything becomes clear.

Everything.

I don't know everything, don't have all the answers. But when I see your face, I have nothing more to say or ask. In Your presence, at your feet, all knees are bowed.

Be still and know that I am God
-Ps.46

that He is God. That He is God, almighty. What does it mean to know that He is God?
He is the God who watches over me, who does not sleep nor slumber, who loves me and knows me by name and every hair and detail about me, who can move the hearts of kings like water, who created me and my thoughts and my most treasured abilities, who brings people together and guides them in the path He desires, who hears the cries of the afflicted and the pleas of the helpless, who lifts up the humble, who is Father and Friend.

When we are drowned in His presence, when we see only Him, when we are still and know that He is God, when we are in that secret place where our hearts are open to Him, seeking His face.


Your perfect grace has brought me to this place

Meeting other Christians

Cool story:
I was playing guitar outside  on a bench in front of my apartment. 20 min later, this elderly couple comes by and says hi to me. I had known for a while that they were Christian because of the fish symbol on the back of their car, but they didn't know that I was. They talked to me a bit and said their son plays guitar/leads worship up in his Church, and I asked which Church. Finally they asked me what kind of music I play--and I said that I also play worship music. And they were like: oh I knew it; we were sitting in our living room thinking to ourselves that it must be.

And I found out that they've been going to the same Tuesday evening service that I've been going to--which was a further WOAH, because it's a charismatic service (which in my mind basically means 1 hour of worship, singing each song's chorus on repeat for a long time). She also gave me a worship CD that her son produced.

That was really cool. Praise God.
(maybe i should have approached them first tho... since I clearly knew a while back)

Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts, because I can't just keep talking to myself in my head

In two months of working, I've played the same amount of tennis as the last 4 years of college. Says a lot about how much tennis I played in college.

At work, I asked an employee about why our Vendors sometimes leave early or come late and she responded: 'well, [anonymous company] people think very highly of themselves. Well, I mean, it is a good company'
Funny. so, people think more highly of themselves when they work for a good company. Interesting that she jumped to such a conclusion. (Maybe I think more lowly of my company because I work for my company haha... jk...maybe..)

I wonder what percentage of people see the company as a whole, and as their own, rather than just things to get done and a boss to please. It's hard to see the big picture unless you're at the top. A friend told me it sucks to work at Apple because you'll never know what you're working on.

I noticed that quite a few people talk about leaving--not seriously leaving, but they just throw it into conversation as a side comment: "yea, maybe I might leave by then". None of them are serious--I mean, because some of them just bought a house. But you know how it is; it makes you feel better. It's a pride thing. It's a I-can-do-better-than-this pride thing. Or, it's a I-don't-deserve-to-suffer thing. It's tempting to think that way, to be prideful. Especially if you grew up middle-class, protected, sheltered and privileged. It's hard to come back to the I-don't-deserve-any-of-this mentality. To be grateful, not thinking that you deserve the privilege to do whatever you want.

Really, all of this is really pointless. I mean, really? Career goals? Ambitions? Social life? Success? Adventure? Seriously? You want to go after all of that and add up your scores on each category and rate how good your life is? Seriously, God will call each person to something different. There is no greater meaning than following after God.

noooo .. school...

AHH I can't believe people are starting school, like my college friends starting grad/med/pharm school and the whole US starting college and soon elementary/middle/high school. I realized a month ago that I am no longer excited about school supplies. Like, I have absolutely no need to buy mechanical pencils or post-it notes or 'interesting' organizers in those sections anymore. I used to always browse through those sections at Walmart, just for fun. But now, there really is no interest. I don't even use pens anymore, except for writing checks. (why is blogger saying that 'anymore' is not a word... -___-)

People used to say that this was the awkward period of time when you're not yet married, but you're out of college. I think they say that because there's no 'set' thing to focus on--it all depends on the person, the life they want and the situation. Some single people work really hard, all the time; some have fun all the time, working as little as possible; some get involved in the community; some stick close to their parents/siblings. There's no really set norm for what's expected. And single people tend to change jobs and move around a lot before they're settled. I guess, more of a nomad, irregular life period.

I guess one thing the bible does point out is that single people should (be able to) focus on God more, pleasing God. I wonder if I am using this time to that effect.

yo man, how it going man (Work Update)

it's so funny hear people use the word "man" in interactions when they have an accent, and when they're not like highschool/college-aged guys, but older.

hey man, can you do this for me man? lot on hold for you man. hey man, how it going man.

Today there was some mandatory boring no-laptops-allowed meeting that I fell asleep in; my coworkers took pictures of me. Nothing has changed.

The thing I love about work is that multi-tasking, both logistically/mentally (remembering everything) and physically (doing other things while listening at meetings/trainings), is necessary--you don't need to feel guilty about it. It's not only necessary, but it's a good thing, a good skill. I multi-task more than I ever had before, and I still forget everything that I need to do and everyone I need to push--i mean, contact. I thought I was good at organizing and administration and logistics and secretary stuff, but apparently I have a long way to go. The millions of tiny little things, people to email, follow-up on, push, get info from, are difficult to keep track of.  My favorite parts about work are definitely the fast pace, the administrative stuff and teaching other people.

Again, nothing has changed since college. I loved helping people, I loved the fast pace of college life, and I did a lot of administrative stuff being part of CBS.

I didn't, however, sleep at 10pm. That has changed. And I wasn't as aggressive. Apparently that's how things get done at this company. Email them, IM them, find them at their desk, call them, copy their manager in the email, ask people where they are, use your manager as a power source to push for you, etc etc. Everyone has a bunch of projects and things to do, so the more you wave your arms at them, the quicker they'll get your thing done.

life is such a journey

Life is such a journey. I can't believe I tried to make it a plan, a schedule or something. It's difficult to live in the present and not think about the future. Every day for the past couple months at this job, I've tried to figure out my life, my job--and make a verdict on whether this job was for me, and for how long. It's stupid really. You always want more, like the grass is always greener on the other side in your imaginations. Thinking that you have a chance at the greener grass really just makes you proud and easily angry.

The past two work days have been quite enjoyable; last friday was quite stressful, as there was some time crisis and I needed to do something in 2 hours that used to take me 5-6 hours. But it was fun to succeed, to feel like your work was needed, to feel like you did contribute. And today was really nice, to interact with everyone, meet new people, hear about people's experiences all over the world in different fabs, chat with  my boss for an hour on random things, stay late at work for fun--because of chatting and waiting for other people to finish stuff (stayed at work from 7am to 8:30pm), etc.

I think, at the core, I'll always love psychology/people. I love seeing different people's personalities, how they react differently and are different. There are so many people at work I can say hi to. I wonder if I'm becoming an extrovert, because saying hi to everyone makes me really happy.

Anyway, I think it'll be a challenge for me to not try to plan out  or think excessively about my future. Sometimes it's good... sometimes it's good to think: What in the world am I doing with my life!!?!? This is temporary! -- but the way I was thinking about my future was more like: what career should I do if I end up not liking this industry? Where should I aim to live if I don't like this place, etc. --basically thoughts that stem from fear, and a desire to "be prepared" for life. It's difficult to accept that I can't "be prepared" for life.

And in the midst of this angsty change in life, I forgot what it's like to be in the presence of God; I forgot the sweetness of His presence. When I find it difficult to pray with my spirit, or even with my heart, I know that I've made Christianity a life-application thing and not a knowing Him thing

Born into it

A couple days ago, some of my coworkers were talking about politics and why Bush went into Iraq. One of them was convinced that in the back of Bush's mind was the oil.

But then my other coworker made an interesting counter-argument/comment. It was something about how Bush was born into money, and people who are born into money don't care about money. They don't fight for money. And oil is about money. People who are born into money would care more about fighting for their family or their values and beliefs.

That was interesting. I bet it makes some people self-conscious too. Yea, (most) people who are born into money, don't really seek after the money.

I've been (re)born into God's love, security, acceptance and approval. I've even been (re)born into power. Because my God is all powerful.

Called in

We call people a lot on night shift--call people after they've gone home, sometimes in the middle of the night we call them. Any hour, as long as there is a high priority thing that needs to be dealt with (and there often are). In the one week I've been on night shift, at least several people have gotten calls.

Today, after working from 7pm to 7:30am, I went home, took a shower, went to Church for half an hour, left before the message started, and was about to sleep at 10am when I got a call from my manager, saying that there had been an emergency and that I had to go back to daytime work schedule as soon as possible.

Despite the fact that I just got accustomed to night shift sleep schedule, I still felt pretty cool getting that call. I felt like I was part of the EMS (emergency medical service... the ambulance on-call people). Okay, so I've never done EMS, but I had wanted to in high school; dad wouldn't let me. But getting an "emergency" work-related call felt like what I imagined EMS to feel like, (except with EMS, it's an actual life-threatening emergency).

Anyway, then I remembered that my mentor told me that she knows a lot of people who really love volunteering for EMS, and that they love it so much that they center their entire lives around it, even neglecting their marriage/family sometimes.

Everyone wants to be a savior, but sometimes we don't realize that we are the ones who need saving.
 who need the Savior. And He is the one who does the saving. When we help "save" others, we do it out of a place of being completely satisfied by the love of God, not out of a need to be needed.

Wedding Toasts

I went to a wedding yesterday, and it was so encouraging-- especially the toasts/speeches. The father of the groom made a very short toast, basically saying that he hopes the bride and the groom will be led by the Holy Spirit in their marriage. The other three toasts all emphasized the importance of God in the marriage, encouraging the bride and groom in Christ. The toasts were all really genuine, from the heart... and you could just feel the realness of God... and how everyone giving the toast really believed that God is the most important, and God is the one who carried them this far, and who will continue to lead them.

The wedding reception experience really ingrained into my heart the importance of God in my life---just seeing multiple generations get together and acknowledge the greatness of God in every aspect is amazing.

Need to get back up

I guess in the end, only you really know how you're doing spiritually. I turned on my computer out of hibernate to write this. I was about to sleep, but I felt like I had to write this.When I'm living in some deception, the night time is the clearest. It's when I realize what my life is really like. I was afraid that when I woke up the next morning, I'd dismiss everything and think that I'm fine spiritually.

Personal history tells you a lot about your future patterns. Yea, people can change, but you have to actively fight against entropy and be strategic about it and keep asking for help. A lot of the things I do now, and the feelings I feel, remind me of my time alone in Shanghai. It's really amazing what being alone can do to people. It's really hard to worship God alone. Not as in alone in your room, but as in alone alone. When you're not seeing that your whole family in Christ is fighting with you, even if they're not physically with you.

And so I remember a sister's words to me about how it is after-college spiritually: It's hard, but it's good.

It'll be good. I know it will be.

The interesting thing now is that no matter how much I fall (to a certain extent), I'm like Solomon. I can't really enjoy anything else as much I once enjoyed God. Once you've tasted of His goodness and love, there's really nothing else that can satisfy. And the recognition of this comes pretty quickly. You know it. Even as you seek quick pleasures, you know they don't satisfy. So then it comes down to finally getting out of the gutter (or realizing you're there first), and getting back on track, back in the relationship. And this is not just sinful pleasures, but even food, arts & crafts and exploring the city. When God is not there, everything else you look forward to and seek, you are seeking out of a desire to fill the God-sized hole. And it all becomes empty instead of a healthy enjoyment.

The greatest thing about being a daughter of God is that... I'm still a daughter of God. Even now.
Every time this happens, it's like  Hosea 11 and the song How He Loves  at the same time.

I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth. 

It's Friday

First Friday after work. Sitting in Panera because I don't have internet yet.
I only learned the TGIF (thank God it's friday) acronym a year ago. I don't like the acronym too much because it sometimes implies this negative just-live-for-the-weekends mentality that I don't believe in. Every day is life, and I thank God for work to do. (but yes, I am tired and glad that it's Friday. I'm awake and alert mentally, but physically super tired)

Thankful for friendly colleagues. Random people who give me advice, and all the people who help train me. I've had so many one-on-one teaching sessions with people this week, with at least 7 different people helping me.

It's weird how the people you interact with--not even hang out with, but simply just interact with-- have so big an influence on your mentality/outlook on things. So, in a couple weeks, I'll be assigned to night shift. There was this one day when I interacted with several permanent day-time employees. They said things like: 'night shift will be hard', 'it will kill you', or asked me why I didn't go for higher education. When the day was over, I almost felt sorry for myself too. I was actually really touched that people cared about me enough to feel sympathetic. Some were fatherly older men who tried to give me advice; some were young moms and such, all older people. But then, the next day, I was with some other new hires, all of whom will be on some of kind of night/late shift, and they all had this ambivalent, or chill attitude about it. And my mindset changed to seeing it as a normal thing, some part of life thing.

But yea, I guess that's why while living life, we need to constantly remember why we're living, what our goal is, and preach to ourselves what we believe in, and what is true and lasting. What is worth living for. and working for. So, yea, it's always important for me to remind myself that this job (and every job, everything) is a blessing from God, and that in everything, small or big, I desire to glorify God in my work and my life, my attitude and heart. And most of all, I am His beloved and precious daughter, whom He loves and is proud of.

Haven't found a Church yet, but hoping to visit one this Sunday that also has an evening service, so that I can go to that when night shift begins.

Surprise one more week at home!

So glad I have one more week at home! I initially was so ready to go to work and stuff, and was pretty excited, but now I have another week because Cornell can't verify my degree until Friday. Slowness.

I really don't like posting photos on this blog or updating actual personal life stuff (that isn't deep). But I guess this will be an exception. here's a good set of pictures of my brother and I from two weeks ago at the local mall. Too good to not share.

Today I played basketball with him, watched him sit on the skateboard and roll down the driveway, and made him walk barefoot on grass to see how it feels. It's supposed to be healthy for you as well, like the electricity from the ground or something is supposed to ... do something. But I didn't tell him that part. 

What I learned these past few weeks are that kids are very moldable, but it takes a lot of creativity, wisdom and effort to train them in the right direction. My brothers complains a lot sometimes, and  sometimes says things like "you will never take me to [insert restaurant]" in order to try to manipulate you into promising to take him there. Today, I suddenly remembered the thing I had learned at the alabaster retreat 6 months ago, about how that pastor always makes his kids tell him what they're thankful for. So, I was like "you complain too much; tell me 5 things you're thankful for today". It was good. He named 4 things. 

Sigh. Inside, everyone's an immature kid. We just don't see it, but we are. 

Okay good. I made some semi-deep comment. haha. just kidding. 

Protecting

To fear the Lord is to hate evil ~Proverbs 8:13

My hatred for evil has definitely decreased a lot since coming back home. I remember last month, when a brother said he was going to Shanghai by himself to intern for the summer, I was like: !!!!!! NOOOO..! don't fall away! !! and I made plans to email him and ask brothers to email him

But now I'm like eh. Not as protective or alert about the spiritual wellbeing of my brothers/sisters

Today, a brother (CBS alum that I barely know) who lives in Albany area contacted me, saying "Hey Jamie, Just checking up" and asked if I had moved in yet, and offered to help me find a Church. He warned me not to forget to find a community in the midst of settling in, and said he could introduce me to his fiance for sisterly support. And ended the message with urging me not to feel lonely because there are definitely people around, and urged me to stay strong and close to God. "Don't forget to pray" was the last sentence.

It hit me that I haven't really been communicating with God. And I realized that I also currently don't really feel protective of my brothers and sisters as he does. ... And I also don't hate sin very much, as I am slipping into sin.

I need to remember what sin does. How it steals, kills and destroys. I need God's love to love people. If I really loved people, I would care more that they know God, than that they know me. I realized that, for us CBS alum, it's more important to make sure people are not slipping away, than it is to "keep in touch".

My (11 yr old) brother has been reminding me to spend time with God. Last week, he was upset because he said I never spend time with him anymore. It was humbling to hear, because I always assumed that I must be a wonderful sister if he likes me so much. At first I was pretty defensive and said it was his fault because he doesn't do anything I would want to do with him. Ten minutes later, I came back and told him I would spend an hour with him every day from now on, but that I also have to spend an hour with God too because if I don't spend time with God, then I can't love people, b/c love comes from God. He liked that. So now after I play with him, he asks me if I'm going to go spend time with God. And I'm like yes.

Rich or poor, God I want you more
than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire
~All we need by Charlie Hall

Books I'm reading

I got a kindle 2 weeks ago. (Battery life is amazing; haven't ever charged it yet, and it's still more than 50%)

Anyway, let me know if you're reading something interesting or would like to join me. I like to read many books at once because I get bored reading just one book in a sitting. And I have a kindle now, so it's easy to do that. (Must be easy to read... not written very boringly or dully. ie. I have trouble reading some books by old authors)

So, a few I'm already starting to read are:
Shame Interrupted (which RC is also reading);
The Radical Reformission: Reaching out without Selling out. (the intro was quite interesting; I figured it would help me figure out how to find a church, as well as what the Christian life and Church should look like)
Hosting the Presence: Unveiling Heaven's Agenda. (just because i've always wanted to know how that "works", why in some prayer meetings or worship events, God's presence is so strong and in others, it is not as strong... always wanted to know more about "Hosting" God's presence. Never read a Bill Johnson book, but figured he would have some deep insight/revelation on this subject)

--
Still can't believe I'm done with college. Probably won't fully realize it until late August. Gah.
But I thank God for blessing me so much in so many ways. Yay for life. At these reflective points in time, Ecclesiastes is always a good reminder. That everything we are insecure about will pass away and is meaningless. God is our rock, our savior and our foundation forever.

Generations come and generations go,
but the Earth remains forever


Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books. It talks about all kinds of meaninglessnesses and all kinds of pain and unfairness in life. In the end, you know what? It doesn't matter. Only God remains.

A Change of Perspective

Only old friends can tell you that you've changed, because they know who you were before.
And they know how you've changed, and usually they can pick out why as well.

Only family will keep reminding you the same things over and over again.
Impatience and annoyance of the reminders only show us how far we are from God's love and understanding

Only God can give you true love that makes you secure, that helps you see things outside the drama, instead of being caught up in it. Instead of being caught up in worldliness and competition and insecurity and manipulation, knowing God's love helps you see a bigger perspective and get out of yourself. It helps you be okay with things, because His love covers over a multitude of sins.

And other mature Christians also help give you that Godly perspective, help pull you out of that ungodly perspective on life. Someone told me today how much I've changed and become more worldly, compared to previous years. I knew I was worldly last semester, but I thought I had changed back this semester. I guess not completely. Grateful for the body of Christ that tells me things I can't see, and encourages me in the right direction.

--

It's so hard to find time alone when I'm home. Only when my brother sleeps... do I have alone time. It's like I have kids already or something. I remember Brian Johnson saying to spend as much time as you can with God when you're single, because after you get married and have kids, your time is not really your own. Yes, you can still and should spend time with God, but not as much. He says after he got married he did rely a lot on the foundation of relationship he built with God when he was single. It kind of makes sense. When my brother is awake, I can't even play a worship song without him asking me questions. And I'm always nervous that someone will interrupt my time with God and that I won't be able to really focus. But maybe I'm also being too selfish with my time as well. Even though I'm single, my time is still not my own. It's God's. And maybe heeding interruptions is more pleasing to God sometimes. But anyway, time with God is necessary and precious. Quality time.

Never counted

Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.

I've always read through that without it really hitting me.
I am that person, whose sin the Lord will never count against me.

Yes, sin is bad, and this is not an excuse to sin or anything. But sometimes we need to put those defensive theological thoughts down and just focus on that verse, and really get it. Sometimes we try so hard to balance the bible, that we don't see the fullness of each side. The fullness of grace, and at the same time, the full capacity of God's hatred for sin and how it destroys us. We need to see the complete intensity of both. Balancing them out in our head/minds sometimes just leads to not seeing/feeling/getting the depth of each part.

I've always had the balancing-it-out-with-other-verses-in-the-bible mentality, so I didn't catch how serious and strong this verse in Romans 4 was. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him. Then I would think: yea, it's because we are righteous through Jesus. And then if I think deeper (which I probably didn't before), then I might think: but remember, although this verse is true, sin is bad; don't discount that. And then I would totally miss what the verse is saying.

Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him. I read this a couple days ago, and I became SO EXCITED afterwards. I felt so loved. Imagine what kind of love it takes to say that. Blessed is the person whose sin I will never count against him. God chose to send Jesus because He wanted my sins to never count against me. Because He doesn't ever really want to be against me. He wants to be with me. It's amazing.

Was Jesus punished enough? Was Jesus judged enough? There's no way he could have been punished or judged more. It was the perfect and ultimate sacrifice. And it was finished then. And now:
Blessed are we, because God will never count our sins against us. Because that's what He wanted for us and Him.

To be in the world, but not of it

This has been on my mind a lot more, since Shanghai. 

Sigh.

It's so hard to be in the world and not be worldly. Sometimes even talking a lot about clothes and appearances and worldly values/things like wanting your kid to be cool and play sports, really distracts me. Sure, during the conversation, I agree with everyone. Yea, I want my kid to play music and sports. Yea, I think that actress is pretty. Yea, I have no idea what brands of jeans exist. Yea, so how much muscle can guys gain in a month? blah blah. It's not what you say or ask, but your overall attitude, or the overall attitude/tone of the people in the conversation. Sometimes the conversation just becomes very worldly--not just because of what we say and talk about, but the attitude/motivation behind it, and then I just feel gross afterwards. And then later I think about the truth of the whole attitude of the conversation, and I realize it's so wrong. I was wrong. Dude, it's not about how cool your kids are, or how smart they are. This life is so fleeting. In the end, it doesn't matter. Your kids' value is not on how cool they are. Your value is not on how cool your kids are. We should love people who aren't cool. who don't play sports or music. who are awkward and not classy. 

I'm not saying that we didn't know that. The people in the conversation were simply stating what they thought was cool. It's totally fine. It's just me; I haven't been deeply rooting my security in Christ...because I came out of the conversation feeling quite self-conscious about how uncool I was, and how un-worldly-savvy I was (how little I knew about the world and its values)

Sigh. I think the problem is that the more time you spend in the world, the more time you will have to spend renewing yourself with the truth afterwards because of how the worldly mentalities will inevitably affect you. 

The more you want to be in the world and change the world, the more (quality) time you have to spend with God, renewing yourself. Or else you'll just get sucked in. 

Another related tangent: On the cruise, there was some crude humor. I didn't know how to react to it. I just got a bit upset, and I thought that was good that I got upset. But at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was being "too religious", as the saying goes. 

But yea, in summary, god-filled conversations are the best. Sometimes Christians have conversations about godly concerns , yet it still seems like God is not in the conversation. 

"Christianity and Sex"

Some Pastor, Mark said (in this): "There are only two religions: Christianity and Sex".

When I heard that... I just smiled and was kind of like:  LOL, Mark is funny. He says funny extreme things.

But then today I read Romans 1:21-24, and I was like WOAH. He's right. The two religions are God and Sexual Immorality. Seriously.

verse 21: "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him..."
verse 24: "THEREFORE God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity..."

They ditched God, and thus were handed over to the "god" of sexual impurity. In fact, they ditched God FOR the sinful desires, namely sex-related sinful things. And sure verse 23 briefly mentions idols and images and such, but the key religions are 'sexual impurity' and 'God'. The "images" are just that. Images. Just a pretense for what they are actually worshiping, which is sexual perversion.

So, in some sense, I do agree with this dude Mark. The main two religions in the world today are that. Sexual Immorality, and true Christianity.

Man, I just remember a month ago, when I took that "Are you psychic?" psychology experiment and got freaked out by how creepy and "spiritual"/occultish it was. I felt like my relationship with God was being threatened in the spiritual realm, and I was overly dramatic and alarmed. I went immediately to worship God afterwards.

I realized that I should be more alarmed more often. about my relationship with God. There are way more things that endanger my relationship with God than just creepy psych experiments that play new agey meditation music and ask you if you have often felt an evil presence around you. I need to be alarmed by other threats to my relationship with God. Sometimes, it's just easier to be alarmed when it is clear that the spiritual realm is in play (like when occult is mentioned). But I have to remember Ephesians 6, that it is ALWAYS spiritual realmy... always fighting against the principalities, spiritual dark powers of this world, etc. Even when it looks very down-to-earth and non-spiritual. Like day-to-day conversations and activities and thoughts. Habits. It doesn't have to be something like encountering a witch doctor who tried to recruit you.

God's side

He's on the outside. He's above us. He sees the big picture.
But He's also on the inside. He sees beneath and behind and within

I am beginning to realize that I don't know anything. I don't know anything. I really don't know anything. I only know and trust God. I only know that I can trust God, and that I can know God, because He says that I can.

I just remember a speaker who said: "You think it just takes believing. But it takes more than just believing. It takes obedience, and ..and... ".... etc. forgot the rest. I just remember obedience. And that it takes more than just believing. The speaker also said boldly: "I know how to love God".

It doesn't matter if the speaker is right or not. but it made me realize that I've been asking that question. How, exactly, do I love God? How does one love God? Obedience is key. what else?

I wish all the brokenness in the world could be healed. All of creation is groaning..

After my freshman year, I went to a 4 day secular leadership camp called LeaderShape. We had to make visions/dreams--things we want to see on tomorrow's newspaper. It had to be something impossible or big, like "World Hunger has ended".

The funny thing is that all 40 of us were engineers from Cornell. And all of us wrote things related to seeing brokenness end. At the end of it all, we all asked ourselves why we were engineers if we just cared about orphans and broken kids and stuff like that.

I wrote about creating a program that offered free private sports instruction to boys from single-parent homes. because I know and have seen the effect of good fatherly coaches on guys, as well as how being good at sports really builds up someone's confidence

In high school, I would daydream about buying a lot of houses in Texas (where they are cheap) and just adopting a ton of kids/orphans and loving them.

In middle school, I would daydream about going to poor people's houses and giving them food and lamps and stuff they need.

Now that I'm in college.... I have fallen into normal-life-mode, but I think it's okay; I was too cliche before. The truth is that we are all broken...  it's not just the orphans or kids with abusive parents in those shelters. That's why we are / should be a light in this world. Everywhere we go there is brokenness. Even though I myself am broken, God can still use me to speak truth into other people's brokenness.

Sometimes it's hard to look brokenness in the eye, and still stand for the hope God promises. And still have faith. Sometimes it's even hard to love, because  you don't think you are able to do anything at all, or have any effect at all

But these three remain. Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest of these is love.

We need to stand for these things, and pray, believing God hears our prayers and gives us what we ask. Not a guilt-trip-check-list. Put weight on that prayer. And speak what God tells you to say; and go, and obey. Go talk to that woman at that well. Initiate and pursue the conversation.

Okay, don't really know what I'm talking about; I'm trying to say everything on my heart, but I'm saying too much random stuff. God, help us; hear our prayers. is what I should say.

I wish I had known earlier

So many epiphanies.

Not epiphanies that bring about excitement. But, maybe more like sadness. I wish I had known earlier. I wish I had realized earlier. I wish I had had this epiphany earlier. I wish I hadn't hurt people. I wish I had blessed more people and built them up and encouraged them. I wish I had known they were hurting at those times.

Most people at this time, would say to me: it's okay. God is gracious. But that's not my conclusion because I don't feel any guilt.

But I do feel sadness.

It is so, so sad to realize how much God loves someone, and to realize how you did not show that person love in the way God loves them.

We all need that--we need other people to show us love. We need to be healed. Showing people love can heal them.

One person said to me something like "I don't know how to do that, because I was never shown how to do that"--as in, I don't know how to love in that way, because no one did that for me.

I think a couple years ago at split gender/ladies sharing at the end of the year, people including myself, were realizing how big an issue "favoritism", or exclusiveness was. How vulnerable people are to feeling like they are left out, or feeling like others are favored more! Yes, it is because of sin that we feel that way, but being loved can set us free from those types of sinful feelings and wrong mindsets. And set us free to love God and focus and grow in God. Instead of harboring bitterness and holding onto that stuff.

Love covers over a multitude of sins.
Your love can cover someone else's favoritism. Your favoritism can cover someone else's favoritism.

There's nothing wrong with favoritism. Jesus favored Peter James and John. But the sin is failing to recognize other people's needs. Forgetting to love that other person. You don't have to accept everyone into your close friends circle, but you have to love everyone like Jesus. You don' t have to make everyone your Peter, James and John, but you have to love everyone. Not just say hi to the Samaritan woman, but speak love into her heart as well. Like what Jesus did. He looked at her and said stuff. looked at her

A professor came up to me a few weeks ago, and gave me a side-hug, and said to me: "How are you, favorite one?"

It was very healing. He said it genuinely, and I knew it was true. I am probably one of his favorites. (but he probably also said that as a revelation from God for me).  His love from God, covered over my struggles with other people being favored. And released me to realize this. And released me to spot this issue and help others with this issue. And helped me to release other favored people into the freedom of being favored and enjoying that favor

Love is so powerful, much more powerful than we often realize. And we are much more affected by love than we realize.

And these three remain: faith, hope and love. And the most important of these is love

Top Life Skills?

I was googling this, obviously because I'm bored and do NOT have a prelim in 3 hours.

A couple interesting things I found were:

• You must be able to move to another country, burn your house down or quit your job and REALLY be okay.
• You must be able to start, work through and finish things that you DO NOT want to do
• You must know what you will live for, die for and kill for. (defines your life's aim)

haha. funny stuff. I thought I was gonna get things like "know how to fix a car" or "know how to extinguish a fire". But instead I get these cutting edge real things.

And now that I have a prelim and I'm slacking, I'm reminded of the second bullet point.

And recently, I am convinced that I need to think more about the third bullet point. A brother shared that he wasn't sure if everyone turned away from God, if he would still remain Christian. When I first heard that, I was like psh, of course I would. But now thinking about it, I agree that it's hard to know if you would or not, especially when you're in this kind of environment, surrounded by or connected with people who love Jesus.

I thought of Heidi Baker and how God told her to go live in the slums. She didn't mention this when telling her story, but I thought of this: that by going to live in the slums, she basically lost connection with all her (probably middle-class) friends. 18 years of living in the slums. Left her previous life behind. I wonder if I could do that. Follow God and not look back. Leave it ALL behind. After a year, you'd probably forget you had a previous life.

Is God's love real enough for me that I would really believe that He is enough for me? What is hindering me from knowing the extent of His love? I want to give it all up; I'm tired of gross stuff that I hold onto; I want to give it to Jesus, but I don't know what I need to give to Him. I don't know how. I don't really know anything anymore, except that I need Jesus. A lot.

Do I actually live for God? Would I obey Him? How much do I hate sin?

Funny Comic but true

Friend sent me this:

Pretty hilarious. I think the existential part and post-allnighter high are pretty true (minus the kissing part).

The last time I pulled an all-nighter, all these good memories from life started drifting through my mind. I felt like I was dying and started appreciating everyone more as if I was dying soon. I started thinking to myself: "wow, this person has taught me so much in life, but I never told her. I should tell her. But I want to tell her in person" Or, "I should tell this person that I'm excited to see her, that I appreciate that she ___". Basically I became super appreciative. of everyone.

But anyway, I think that is because I'm really bad at pulling all nighters now. I'm out of practice, so the effect is way exaggerated when I do pull one.

Good lessons can be learned from all nighters.

Why I like music

Sometimes I forget that I have this desire within me

this desire that God approves of.

Sometimes life puts me in this task-oriented,enjoyment-seeking, relaxation-seeking mindset,

and I forget the deeper desires that God put in each of us

Desires with the potential to be so strong that they could cause you to not want to eat.

Desires so strong, so unexplainable that tears would start flowing and you wouldn't know why; it's not you crying, it's your spirit crying.

A joy so strong, that you feel a pull to dance before God. and lift your arms up towards heaven

Music reminds me of desires I forget exist within me.

Certain songs remind you of certain periods of your life, of your walk with God.

Certain songs can stir that desire within you.

As you listen to them, raise your arms to God and surrender every hindrance of this world to Him

s o m e

s o n g s

If it is the Lord's will

...if it is the Lord's will we will live and do this or that ~James 4:15

Why, you don't even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?

If it is the Lord's will, I will graduate and live past white water rafting and go home and then go work in Malta.

Sunday night, I was working on my matlab assignment (that I have to finish to graduate), and I was stuck, even after someone tried to explain stuff to me; it was so hard to grasp and come up with a design for my code. Programming is not like homework. In the end, no matter how much people explain it to you, you have to do it yourself. And I was running into so many bugs, and I couldn't understand fully the person's explanation of the assignment really. I thought I had this inability to do this project.

Anyway, I didn't freak out or anything, but I had some fear. And I had to come to terms with: what if I don't graduate? If I don't graduate, I'll probably loose my offer, and it'll suck. But God could be glorified if I go about the next summer/semester with a thankful/grateful attitude, continuing to trust in God, even after things in life don't go the way I anticipate/plan/want.

Anyway, I finished today afternoon. Miraculously, somehow, all the bugs cleared up and God gave me tons of wisdom to finish today in a few hours what I worked on the entire day (literally from waking up at 8:30am to 12am, even skipped dinner) yesterday and also having worked on it the night before and a couple days in the week before. God does that. Miracles can happen in schoolwork.

God also is funny in other ways. I sent this email to my parents yesterday:

When I was a Freshman, a Senior helped me with programming.

Now that I am a Senior, a Freshman is helping me with programming.

I am so blessed!

Constraints

I was reminded of this. (from Che Ahn's message at alabaster conference in January

Constraints that limit your destiny

1. Emotional constraints (past hurt, childhood pain, unforgiveness, etc)

2. Financial Constraint (debt, unreasonable spending/greed, etc.)

3. Relational Constraint (divorce, children who run away, betrayal/hurt from ppl you love, etc)

4. Other... like pornography, masturbation, anything else

My own notes that I don't even remember. My mom sent this back to me today, to remind me of what I wrote to her. So good.

Often, I forget that there is such thing as a financial constraint. because I think of money and God as separate. But, financial constraints exist. It's one thing to be generous, and another thing to spend money carelessly.

The other points are good as well, but I won't comment on them. All good stuff to think about.

Thank you Jesus

There are so many things I can be thankful for; I don't know where to start.

Thank you Jesus for your blood that washes my sins and makes me righteous.

Thank you for your presence Lord, your sweet fragrance, your overwhelming love.

Better is one day in your courts. I would not trade anything else.

Thank you for the cruise, for the friends and family you have given me.

Thank you for the beautiful personality you have given me, and the uniqueness of who I am. For my gifts and my upbringing and everything else you have blessed me with, including every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms and the heavenly inheritance of being Your daughter forever.

Thank you for each and every person I know, for the opportunity to get to know so many beautiful people so closely. The blessing of living with them and loving them, and experiencing their forgiveness and grace towards me.

Thank you for reminding us to respect each other, to not judge abilities and physical appearances. Thank you for convicting us to not act in our own interests but to also consider the interests of others, to remember Love, even when bargaining.

Thank you for forgiving us when we compare ourselves to others, when our hearts are not filled with Your love, when we forget that you are everything we have, and that your approval alone makes us complete, and that we are made perfect by You.

Thank you for helping us resist temptation, for protecting our minds and hearts.

Thank you for the prayers before meals, for wanting to pray for the group, "I want to pray for us".

Thank you for giving me a job. You know that I am least qualified among my peers.

Thank you for making life a journey, that I never know where I am going, but yet I always know You are leading.

Thank you for holding my hand and leading me, and grabbing tightly when I wander. My heart is prone to wander, but You O Lord are steadfast and faithful. I swing my arms round about me, and I cannot feel you close, but I know you are there because You O Lord are faithful.

Thank you for the testimonies that are so detailed, so intricate, so personal, that no matter how I tell it to others, no one else can truly understand and share the joy.

Thank you for finding my ID and credit card in the bahamas.

Thank you for the job at GlobalFoundries.

Thank you in advance for the next two months at Cornell.

Thank you for life.

Thank you for You. You make all the difference. With You, I have everything.

Late Night Emotional Post

[Insert late night emotional post about reflections on the past 4 years of my college life and the friends and everything God did and brought us through, and all the mature nostalgic broad thoughts of life one could possibly have]

when i should be writing my research paper

[insert some self-motivation, including some excuse for this post, like why it's necessary, or how it's motivating for the research paper]

[Give glory to God because He's so amazing, and dude. I made it through this week. almost. not done yet. Learning to rejoice when my tiredness and perseverance and alertness are tested]

thankful for all the moral support and prayer from the body of Christ as well. By moral support, I just mean love.

And a shoutout to this, that is keeping me awake as I write my paper

You satisfy

But as for me, justified, I will behold your face; when I awake, your presence will satisfy me ~psalm 17:15

the Power of Love

In class today, I learned about how fleshly wounds heal.

• "inflammatory" stage: 2-5 days.
• proliferation stage: 2-3 weeks.
• restoration stage: weeks to years.

And the teacher was talking about it so logically. Like, this is what the blood clots do. Then they get stuck in this extracellular matrix. Then this happens. Then your body signals this.

I wish emotional healing was like that.

Emotional wounds... ultimately affect close relationships, mostly marriage and your relationship with God.

I went to a Church, heard a testimony of a pastor whose daughter or son married X person whose father and mother were drug addicts, who came from super broken homes, but of course the X person was completely touched by God and healed (like literally, plus virginity physically restored--found out on their honeymoon). I told my parents this story, and they discussed among other Christian parents whether they would ever let their kids marry someone from that kind of family background, even if God healed them.

The problem is that most of the time, we don't believe that the person is completely healed of emotional wounds. And that's because most of the time they aren't! It takes the Holy Spirit's touch and power to heal someone. And sometimes it takes years. God has to touch you again and again, and as you forgive that person who hurt you and even start to bless them, that's when you begin that healing process. Many people give their testimony of being healed, and it starts out with "I thought I had forgiven him, but...". Forgiveness only starts the healing process.

Yet, sin still has its effects. There are still other things that we all have to conquer.

This is such a touchy topic. But we need to start talking about it. Not categorizing people, or being ashamed/embarrassed of emotional wounds. Not making judgments, or hiding things. But believing in healing. Admitting the need for healing. Allowing God to heal us. To heal this broken generation. To heal this cynical generation. This unbelieving generation. We don't believe in love anymore, because of this broken world, because of all the broken and failed relationships.

God is love. We have to know this love. Then we will know how powerful this love is.

Show me... how much

Laying on my bed, I said

God, show me how much you love CY

and I heard Him say:

if I showed you how much I love her, you would not be able to bear it

and I wept.

all these analogies...try to describe God's love for us....but at the end of the song the only thing we can only say is 'how He loves us, Oh how He loves us' ~YW

O how He loves.

Does God want me to do well on my tests?

Should I pray to pass? Should I pray to do well? Is it God's will for me to pass / do well?

Yes.

But more than that, God wants to use this opportunity to show you how awesome He is, and how much He loves and blesses you. He wants to use this opportunity to build your faith, to train you in prayer, to teach you about His blessings and how He, as your Father, longs to just give you all kinds of blessings as you seek His Kingdom. Seek His Kingdom, AND ALL THESE THINGS WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU AS WELL.

WHY? Because Father wants to show you that He loves you. He wants to use every opportunity. If it's blessing you with getting into an unexpected graduate program, or getting a dream job, then so be it. He uses different ways, sometimes opened doors, sometimes closed doors, to show His love to you, His direction for your life.

Why does God care about my tests? / why does it matter to him? Why does it matter to Him if I do well or not, as long as I tried/worked for Him? Does God really care about these little things I care about, like tests? I mean, won't these things pass away anyway. Does God care about how well I do on my tests? Does He want me to do well?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN!? Don't your friends ask you how your prelim was when you come back from them? What do you mean "why does God care about my tests"?!??!!! WHY DOES GOD CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL THEN?!

Do we always pass? Do we always get healed right away? Do missionaries always make it financially? Do we always survive the storm?

No.

That's not the point.

So, should we still pray to do well? Or, should we pray for God's will to be done? Or for peace?

Yes.

Amen. God is amazing.

The battle within

Jesus. you better be worth it.

I don't know how I can even say that. After the pain Jesus went through. What is an internal battle within me compared to that? How can I say to the radiant One, "you better be worth it". How can I say to the definition of Love and beauty, that you better be worth it.

The truth is that Jesus, you are all I want. but the temptations of the world and the other desires within me create a whirlpool in my heart, and stir things up.

Jesus, you are worth it. You are worth everything. More than everything.

CBS is not

Sometimes after you watch a deep meaningful movie with a strong "life message", you have to debrief yourself. Movies like Eat Pray Love, or even movies like Avatar. Any kind of inspirational movie with a message. You gotta discern the good-sounding-but-slightly-wrong messages. That's what I have to do right now. Except I'm not debriefing an inspirational movie. I'm debriefing a deep conversation.

In conversations, I can pick out the heart of what is being said (usually), and transition from one topic to a similar topic, but I'm not good at thinking on my feet and being quick to discern. I tend to agree with people, but then the next day realize that I don't completely agree anymore. I'm a slow but deep thinker. So, anyway. This is for myself.

CBS is not. a clique, a fraternity. It is not "just another social group". I joined CBS so I could be in a community with other people who also love Jesus, so I could grow with them in Christ, and obey Christ together, and encourage each other in Christ.

It's about Jesus. Any Church, or Christian fellowship, or group. No matter what it seems like on the outside.

Christianity is not. a belief, a philosophy. It's not just a way of life. It's not just how you get by life. It is not "positive thinking", even though believing in God's promises and cultivating a thankful heart may involve thinking positively, or perhaps just thinking differently, keeping God in your thoughts.

So yes, we can agree with our friends on the general concept that the way you see and think about life makes a difference on your happiness. But ultimately, it is Jesus who makes that difference, and it is Jesus who changes us. We can agree with non-Christians that friends make us happy and a loving community makes us happy, but Jesus is the Spirit behind everything and who we are. The source. It's not about a philosophy of how we live or how we find enjoyment, or how any of the teachings of the bible are different from conventional wisdom and philosophies. It's not about how this Jesus way of life "works for us".

Jesus and Christianity is not this thing that "works for me".

Jesus is beautiful.

To non-believers, God is useful; to believers God is beautiful

Relationships Counseling

I just asked for relationships counseling for my relationship with God. =D

I remember a sermon where the pastor was saying that sometimes you just have to look at what other people are doing, and do what they are doing. (Not like looking at what everyone is doing... not in the sense of conformism, but in the sense of pursuing God... sometimes we don't know how to pursue God, but we look at people who love God--either people in the bible like King David--or people in our lives who really love God, and try some of that for ourselves).

I remember in high school, I asked my friend for her mom's phone number because her mom had prayed for me years back, and when she prayed for me that one time, I felt God very strongly, and the way she talked about God, I just felt that she must really love God. So, I called her and asked her how she spends time with God. And it was beautiful, all the things she told me. It was simple, but beautiful. Just to hear her talk about God. It was like wow..the way you talk about Him... I must have missed something about God.

So yea, anyway, I sought some relationships counseling for my relationship with God.

I realized that I'm really not good at spending large chunks of time reading God's Word. I tend to do 10 minutes here and there, morning and night, or things like that. This is partially why I'm always reading psalms and proverbs, because it doesn't take long to do so, and each chapter isn't connected with the one before it, so you don't need to read a large chunk at a time to remember what's going on from what you read the day before. But I feel like I'm missing out on something... I want more. All these brothers and sisters sharing about how amazing their mornings with God are... I was like... hmm... maybe I'm missing something...

And today, Spock talked about boasting in our weakness, and not hiding our weakness. And hearing that made me realize that I've been hiding my weaknesses these past couple weeks, by not wanting them to exist, and not really being honest to myself or God that they exist.

Looking forward to my renewed relationship with God

One-on-one time

I wrote to one sister during the retreat: we need to have one-on-one time before we graduate.

why did I write that?

Group friendships. They're different from individual friendships. I think it's good to have both aspects integrated in a friendship. Just imagine being married, but not hanging out with other people together--like whenever you hang out with other people, it's always separate. That's weird isn't it? In the same way, it'd be sad to have a friend for so long, but feel slightly weird hanging out alone than in a group setting. It means you're not comfortable being alone with that friend.

And just now, I thought of God. and I wonder if it's like that with God.

That we need to be with Him alone, and also be with Him with others. Jesus had 12 roommates, but He still found a place to be alone with God. And I wonder if that's why it's hard after college--because we had (more of) a group relationship with God, but not also an individual relationship with God. We really need both.

Okay. Maybe I'm making all of this up. But, I do agree with a brother who shared that we need the body of Christ. We grow when we encourage others, and we grow when others encourage us.

I feel the same way I did freshman year. I told someone freshman year that I don't get homesick, because wherever I go, I build my own cloud/bubble/home. and I feel comfortable. That home is God in me. When I'm with God, I feel at home. And now, someone today asked me how I felt about graduating. I said that I don't really think about it like that. I think that this is another semester. And that life will be the same after I graduate. "Why will life be the same?" Because what matters in life will be the same. I will feel the same. I will feel God's presence in me.

I love you God. This is what someone shared at the Living Room Church today. How confident is David to say to God: "test me Lord"! Do we have that confidence? --that we can boldly approach the throne of God?

Second Chances

I'm thankful for second chances. I'm even more thankful that there can be multiple second chances.

In a way, that's what the actuarial career is for me. It's like my third 'second chance'. When I switched into materials science from (wanting to do) ECE, I thought to myself that I'll have another chance to do better/well in this completely different field. And now, I have moved from materials science to the actuarial field. To me, it is another chance to maybe/perhaps have some subject that I can semi-do (since it turns out that I can barely do matsci). But, in regards to career paths, who knows where I'll be in the future? Even in a few months, things could change. I'm open to change. I follow God, not my career.

I'm also so, so blessed to be retaking a class this semester. Yes, blessed. I get to retake a class. A matsci class. Seriously, the past two days every time I thought of how I'm retaking this class, it would make me smile. I don't think of the situation with regret or bitterness or any other negative emotion, because the past is over and forgiven. And now I have a second chance. I am so blessed.

I'm also so blessed to have people I know in all my classes. Even the class I'm retaking, there are other Seniors retaking it with me. And this random sophomore level ORIE class that I didn't think I'd know anyone in, I know at least 3 people. AND they saved a seat for me and texted me asking if I was going to come to class (I was 2 minutes late). I don't think I'll be late again to that class. I'm so blessed.

I've never been a natural at this saving-people-seats thing, or the getting-other-people-forks-and-napkins thing, so I'm sometimes very pleasantly surprised when people do that. yea... freshman year when I was first making friends and eating lunch with them. .. they'd get me forks and napkins. I was blown away.

And that reminds me of how, in the new testament, those who perceived themselves as the most sinful, were the most thankful of what Jesus did for them. That He forgave them and loved them and gave them a second chance and believed in them. And gave them hope.

That's what I need to hold onto. Hope. Every time I get stuck while studying for my actuarial exam, I am tempted to think that I'm not smart enough for this. But clinging onto hope gives me strength to try again and again to understand the concepts I could not understand at first.