Emotional healing

I was re-listening to a teaching on emotional healing and I can't get these quotes out of my head; they're so good.

"Emotional pain doesn't like to be pushed. It needs to be validated, then healed. People are the way that they are for a reason. And it's not generally because I want to be an angry person with rage.. but I somehow got there,.. and so validating that you are the way that you are for a reason..."

"Sometimes honor is all that people need to heal. Sometimes all that people need to hear from you is that your pain matters to God"

The Awkward Vacation

Maybe awkward isn't the right word. Perhaps I just mean a vacation you don't want even though you are supposed to want it. Or maybe I mean: a vacation at the wrong time.

I just finished Global Awakening's 3 week summer intensive school. I was so inspired/encouraged by seeing all these people who love God so much, and who love people. People who initiate loving other people. I was talking to a friend from NJ and I was joking with her, saying that all these people in the 3 week school are targeting me because I look unhappy. I was like: one day this woman just came up to me and gave me a one minute hug and told me I was God's jewel. (It was literally one minute because I tried to release the hug multiple times thinking it was over, but it wasn't; after a while, I was okay I guess I'll just hold on. lol). There were so many others who just leaked the love of Jesus, and so many who went out of their way to say hello to me and greet me even though I didn't do that for them. These people are great. It's so amazing when you meet people who are so willing to love on you and pour into you, even though you may never see them again after these 3 weeks.

Tomorrow I'm going to Shanghai, then Taiwan, for vacation and relatives-visiting. But my heart is not really in the mood for vacation. I'm just so in love with Jesus right now, and I honestly just want to spend more time with Him, to learn to hear His voice more clearly, to spend time soaking in His presence. I know God is with me even on the vacation. But it feels weird. Like I'm supposed to want to go to Asia to eat good food, but I don't even care about food that much right now. I have very little appetite. It's seriously just like being in love. I just want to keep this forever. I never want the honeymoon phase to be over. And I know it's possible because I've met people these past few weeks who live like this every day. Most of them are in or have gone to the full time school. I'm putting that in the back of my mind, saving it for later. Perhaps one day, I'll come.

Living in the Present

In Mozambique, during a group prayer time, one guy was saying that we, Westerners have a hard time living in the present. We're always living in the past or the future, but not the present. So, he told us: this is maybe the only chance in a lifetime you will get to be here. Live in the present.

I thought that was interesting, because it is often true that I am not in the present. If I am bored, I think about the next most interesting thing I will do, such as eat lunch or what I will do after work.  Even when I'm not living in the future, I am still not really engaged. I'm "living in the present" sort of, but I'm not absorbing what's going on around me and my heart is not engaged. This usually happens when I'm in a new place and I don't know anyone, or I'm with people I don't know super well. Or, even if I know them, but I don't really love them that much, I'm just not really engaged.

I'm at this 3 week Christian school thing with 100 other students of all ages, and the first week was so hard. I never thought I would struggle with being some place by myself, because I've done that so many times, for college, for work, for grad school, for internships, for other christian camps, for missions trips. I've gone to many place by myself. But it's harder now. I'm even more introverted than before, and it's hard to make myself get to know people that I will only talk to twice in my lifetime and then never see again after a week. Especially when there are 100 people. I would much rather prefer 5 people, but even then, I won't talk to people unless they talk to me first

One extroverted girl was saying how because she is extroverted she really needs people, and she's glad she's living in the convent with all of us. I said: "introverted people need people too. They just don't initiate conversations".  --what I really was talking about was myself. I really need people, but I never show it and I never initiate. Even with my own friends, even close friends, I rarely initiate hanging out. But I actually really love hanging out (and I usually always have time in my schedule since I never initiate and always under-sign-up for events).

So anyway, long story short, it took me 1.5 to 2 weeks to finally open up and get to know a few people, and there's only one more week left. I thought I would leave this school not knowing anyone, but I guess I was wrong.