Thoughts

Can we love someone we don't know? Can we love God if we don't know God? And though we know Him, there is still more to know.

The bible uses this logic: How can we love God if we don't even love our brothers whom we can see.
[is it easier to love people you see?--- it depends on how you define "loving people" right? Sometimes we think of love as this idea or image of warm feelings or whatnot. You can't love someone you don't know, because you are just loving the idea of that person? right? ]

back to the logic use:... by the same logic... :

how can we know God if we don't even know our brothers (non-gendered terminology here)

but people really don't make sense. At times they do. and at times they don't. We think there's something deeper, but then there isn't. But then later, there is. But then how deep can we go? how much deeper is there to a person? We probably don't even understand ourselves. I know I don't.

Are we supposed to make sense of everything? no. we can't. we can try. It's good to think, but not to overthink.. and overanalyze. because then your thoughts run in circles and it's futile.

These were (part) of my distracting thoughts today. This occurs sometimes. Not every day; at least not recently. Thank God. or else I'd be confused. again.

Satan likes invading our thoughts and confusing us. That's why we need to rebuke false thoughts with His word. Have God's thoughts! Pray for His will! God sees the big picture and we don't; therefore if we try to think from our perspective, we will just get confused. haha. but this doesn't mean that we shouldn't think at all.

kay, I've got work to do

A Dreamer at Heart

I have been reflecting back to sophomore year in high school. I used to be very idealistic? if that's the right world. I wanted to change the world. It was the year that I got emotional about everything that was wrong with the world.

I'm becoming more and more 'okay' with the normal path of life.. with these comforts and people, and I'm not sure if I'd be willing any longer to leave this for some idealistic dream that might not come to pass. I'm not sure if I dream that much any more. And yet, sometimes I still do. Here are 2 little bits of a poem I wrote at 2am today

Though I’m a dreamer at heart

Fear keeps me from being apart

From things I see day to day

From the plowed path, the expected way

Will I always be afraid

That everything will fade

Why do I still hold on

When I know it will be gone

I remember this quote:
"When your memories are greater than your dreams, you are beginning to die".

I think, part of the reason that keeps me from dreaming as much, is that dreamers are often lonely. People who want to change things must go out of their way, out of their comfort zone, and that often can be quite lonely, even if you're surrounded by people.

Fear of loneliness and depression ...is an issue that needs more attention than it gets. because the mind (and emotion) are dangerous. Your own thoughts can deceive you.

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things (col 3:2)

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:7)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Phil 4:8)

Often, I forget that my mind (not just my heart) also needs to be guarded.
Thank God for His mercy and grace.

Interesting things

life isn’t about “interesting things”. God is interesting, yes, but what I mean is... it’s not about the mentality of constantly finding interesting things with which to stimulate your life, … because in the end, what you could be doing is trying to replace God with other “interesting things” that don't satisfy. It's not like we should make our life boring, but if we're afraid of boredom, if we have a disgust for being still and resting, and constantly want to be stimulated by entertainment or exciting events, then maybe something is wrong.

and yet, it's pretty easy to not think about life by constantly finding something to do, people to laugh with, tv shows to watch and keeping your mind and body occupied in that way. and ignore God.

--

Anyway. I'm home for Thanksgiving. It's a nice change, and a totally different world back home than in school. The pace, the mentality, the atmosphere is all different. And there I was, thinking that Cornell was the world, when there are so many worlds out there.

Well, God is here and there and everywhere, and He satisfies. His love is wonderful. May I not forget that and run after "interesting things". At home, it's easier to be still before God, to rest, to meditate on His goodness, His word and not get caught up in social events. Yet, there is also that temptation at home to find mind-stimulating "interesting things" like tv shows or internet surfing/gaming to mimic the effect of the social events. a temporary high and a temporary satisfaction.There are different struggles in different worlds. I'm not saying that those things are necessarily bad. It's just that when we ignore God and use those things as "god".

Well, anyway. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for God, for Jesus, for the Holy Spirit.

What do I have if I don't have you Jesus

What in this life could mean any more

(Cry in My Heart--Starfield)

All I once held dear, built my life upon

All this world reveres, and wars to own

All I once thought gain, I have counted loss

Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus. Knowing you

There's no greater thing

(All I once held dear)

It was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
taking them by the arms;
but they did not realize
it was I who healed them.(Hosea 11:3)

Growing in Christ?

I heard a sermon recently about how we can't judge our spiritual growth by looking at
1.) the "absence" of sin
2.) spiritual activity (ie. reading the bible, prayer, corporate christian meetings, giving to the poor etc.)

because 1. we always sin, but just don't see it. The closer we get to God, the more sin we see. Therefore looking at the "absence" of certain sins is not a way to measure spiritual growth

#2--spiritual activity just measures our spiritual discipline, which is a good thing to have, but it doesn't measure our heart, which is what God looks at. Sometimes, even we ourselves are not able to judge our own hearts.

So, instead, we should look at things that reflect our heart's condition. The pastor gave some examples like: a.) do we care about the things that Jesus cares about? ex. When we hear of people being oppressed unjustly, does it move us like it would move Jesus? ... do we love the things that Jesus loves and hate the things that He hates?
Another indicator of spiritual growth that the pastor mentioned:
b.) hearing His voice more.
c.) fruit of the spirit,--but this is hard to measure since, if we are really growing in love, we would probably be the last one to notice it
d.)if you are finding it easier to give (not just money, but time, love, etc.)
e.) an increasing awareness of our distance from God--because this means that we are getting closer to God and see more of our faults

---
Risking for God? Another sermon I listened to on the bus back to NJ

If Jesus turned out to be a myth, what would we would we have lost?--heaven, yes, but what about in our current lives. What are we investing in God? How much time would we have lost? How much of our heart and desires would be lost?

How about school? If college turned out to be a myth, and companies decided that college education was worthless and they would only hire high school grads from now on, what would we have lost?

and which would be the greater loss in our hearts?
---

Recently I have been growing more and more in love with my comfort zone. I'm clinging on to a comfortable life, a secure future, people I know well, cultures I'm familiar with, cities with a high education level, cities with great ethnic diversity, etc. All these things I have grown up with and am used to. If God called me to leave my land, my people, my culture, and everything I am comfortable with, would I do it? If God called me to Him, would I really go?--or would I only go to Him if it is convenient, if it is easy to go to Him because everyone around me also seeks Him. ?

Is God truly the source of my joy, or is the loving environment I'm placed in the source of my joy? Is God truly the love of my life, my Hope, my Rock?

Loving God

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I've been learning how important this is, and how bad it can be when I don't guard my heart. I have a particular continual weakness that often steals my heart--that stole my heart this past semester--, and many times it seemed more real than God, but it's not. It seems to give the same things that God gives--like love and joy and purpose--but it's false and twisted and temporary.

So God has been restoring my heart and turning it back to Him.

Even though I have a lot of questions right now, and I'm still trying to figure out my beliefs on certain theological things, I'm not going to let that get in the way of my relationship with God. It's hard though, but as a sister reminded me through email, --in the end, it's all about God's love and knowing God. I'm so glad Jesus summed up the commandments into :
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
and 'Love your neighbor as yourself'

Jesus says, in John 17: 23 "I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."

May all Christians, no matter what theological camp/denomination, be united in God's love because Love brings about unity, and through this we are a testimony to the world.

God bless you all. He loves you, even if you don't know Him yet.

Introspection | defrosting my heart

Yesterday I heard something ---something I've heard before, but this time with a different twist.

"Introspection just doesn't work, so I just stopped doing it"
"What happens if you find something? Now what are you gonna do? It's like the dog who catches the car."
---

Yesterday, in worship, I was laying on some chairs, and God showed me this deep well of emotions that was hidden inside me. It was really far in, and not really visible to the outside. God said to me: "You are afraid to love me, just like you are afraid to love [other people]". And I realized how true that is. Not just the first part, but also the second part.

Psalm 139: 7
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

One of the things I've been doing is just remembering all the times that God has been with me in my life--(He's always there). And it helps a little. But my heart still needs some defrosting. Actually a lot.

Thinking about life, again

There are periods in my life when I think too much. Thinking too much causes confusion, but I can't seem to let it go. Here are some thoughts; they are subjective, as are all my thoughts.

I think that all four statements below are true

1: Life is hard, even when it’s not.
2: You are alone, even when you are not.

3: Life is easy, even when it’s not.
4: You are never alone, even when you are.


(1)Life is confusing and overwhelming if you think about it too much. Even if everything is going well in life, you can think, get confused and lose all motivation for everything. It’s hard to hang on because you want to. It’s easy to hang onto life for the sake of hanging on.
(2)One day, no human will be there for you or no one will understand you, and you will be alone even if you are surrounded by friends.
(3)Jesus carries our burdens. He died for us. He has already won.
(4) God is always with you. And He knows. Everything.


I can't seem to give up thinking about life. It gives me some satisfaction when I come up with some conclusions that satisfy me. But the questions are endless. I know I need to work on living in the present. But that requires so much trust. I'm afraid that I'll be blind if I live in the present and stop thinking about life. What does living in the present even mean? Some people don't live in the past, don't live in the future, AND don't live in the present. They live in themselves. They have this internal world of thoughts and emotions. That is bad. They risk losing connection with the world, and with other people, which worsens their problem.

Sometimes what I really want to do is to just enjoy friendship, enjoy music, enjoy life and companionship. But is life really about just enjoying things? Is life all about fun?

Colossians 3:2 "Set your minds on things above, not earthly things"

1 Corinthians 13: 2-3 "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing"

Life without God is inherently meaningless. If we don't set our minds on things above, if we think as the world thinks, then we can only become more and more confused and overwhelmed.
Life is complex, but it is also very simple.


Ecclesiastes 1:18 "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief"

One pastor once explained this verse as meaning the more we know about what could be, the more sorrow we have because we realize how great the difference between what could be and what is. The more we experience God, the more we understand how wonderful His love and how wonderful everything about Him is, the more grief we feel for those who are suffering in the world because we see how they could have experienced what we have experienced and known what we know, and yet the difference between what could be and what is grieves us.


Sometimes I think that the more I think, the more conclusions I will come up with and then one day I will have many conclusions and be satisfied. But the truth is I'll never be satisfied with my own conclusions. Life without God is inherently meaningless. There are endless questions and no answers if your mind isn't set on things above. Each "answer" directs to another question, and no answer can satisfy as THE Answer satisfies. Jesus is THE Answer.

Why do I forget that?
Why do I not trust?
Thinking about it, it's pretty dumb that I don't trust. What was I going to do? Trust myself? yea, right. My thoughts and emotions are about the least reliable thing in my world, and yet I find it hard to trust God? why? O stubborn self, why? Why do you do what is stupid and think about foolish things?

God is so merciful.

A Poem to the God of my life

"By day the Lord directs His love,
At night His song is with me--
A prayer to the God of my life" Psalm 42:8

A Poem to the God of my life

We realize when our core motivation breaks down,
How we had not been standing on solid ground.
It is not just all an act,
For with God we can make an impact

The world’s standards and God’s are not the same
What is potential, what is glory, what is a good name?
When people look into our eyes and smile,
We think that our life has been worthwhile
But when our efforts are below the mean,
Who we are and what we do goes unseen
Or so in our minds it does seem.

But Jesus gave hope to the prostitute, the widow, the lost
The weak, the weary, the wounded—and at what cost?
Blood and water and pain
Through all this He did make plain:
We are His children whom He does love,
And He hopes that we may always look above

For on Earth, our hearts should not live,
So with that thought, may we forever give,
Our all in all to our sweet true love,
May He be who we always think of

Prone to wander and to forget
To be distressed and to be upset
We are shaky and unstable
In dilemma and unable
Blind, lost, confused
Always ready to blow our fuse,
Give up on God and His views.

So Lord, take our hearts and seal it,
And lead us where you see fit.
To you O Lord, we do hold on tight
May you help us to fight this fight.

When we are weak, we see
How, by ourselves we cannot flee
The sins and ways of this place
O God, would you come and give us your embrace

Remind, teach and guide
Your children to abide
To trust and obey
In all that you say

O how I long to see your face,
For you to give me an embrace
But I know you are always here,
And that I have nothing to fear
For on myself I do not rely
And you O Lord, never say goodbye

"I want to be a hero"

So, I was listening to this song called "Never let go" by Bryan Adams. It is the ending song of the movie The Guardian.

I was listening, and soon I became really inspired/motivated to do work again (after hours of procrastinating).

And I thought: why? Why is this song inspiring me?

So I thought for a while. The movie is a heroic, inspirational kind of movie, and so is the song. And so I realized that (1) I want to be a hero; (2) I want to be an inspiration.

Why?

Reason 1: It gives purpose and meaning.

As I was typing this in my "journal"/word document, I found myself reminding myself that everything is meaningless unless you know Jesus, because this world is temporary. If you are a really inspirational football coach and you make your team all "succeed" at life, it doesn't matter if your team didn't know Christ. Worldly success is all just temporary.

Reason 2: The world is too pessimistic. More things are possible than what they believe are possible. And even that previous sentence is pessimistic in Jesus' standards becaus Jesus said everything is possible.

And yet, "inspiring" people to believe that everything is possible is not a very good way to go about it. It's more like leading people to God, building them up in the Lord, and letting God do ALL of this "inspirational"/teaching/leading work.
--------------

Just some thoughts.
Well, anyhow, I still like the song :) and the movie.
God is inspiring---just who He is--that is inspiring, and altogether amazing.
Hope He has given to us, so let us give that hope to others also.

And I guess the above sentence is one definition of inspiration.
so, "I want to be an inspiration" can just as easily translate into:
"I want to show other people the wonderful hope God has given me, so that they can have it too"

God Bless.

Show me how to see; show me how to love

Father, Papa, Dad,

Show me how to see so I can see with Your eyes
Show me how to love so I can love with Your heart
~lyrics by Nic Billman

One time when worshiping, the worship leader (Nic Billman) said that he had a cold and earlier that day he was like "God, thank you that you still love my worship, even though I have a cold--even though I don't sound good".

you know what God said to him? God whispered in his heart: "my favorite songs are those that the mute sing".

O Lord, you are close to the broken hearted and you bind up the wounds of those who are crushed in spirit (psalm 34:18). Our God is so loving.

I have a Dad who loves and who is Love. Love lives in me now and forevermore.

Family

Recently I have learned more about family. Jesus said "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers? Here are my mother and brothers." When I used to read that, I'd think that it was pretty and poetic. Only recently have I begun to realize what this whole family thing means. If someone asked me "Where's your brother?" and if I actually replied with a very sincere heart "here are my brothers; these are my brothers". If I actually looked that person in the eye and with a genuine heart gave the reply that Jesus gave, what would that mean? What we say comes from our heart, so I've been thinking about what it would mean for me if I replied in the way Jesus did.

Over Spring Break, I was listening to Leif, this missionary speak. He was talking about family, and he said that one time when he was down, he called Randy--who is this other ministry/pastor guy. Randy encouraged Leif and then said to Leif: "No matter how late in the night it is, you can call me. If the enemy is gonna take one of us down, he's gonna have to take all of us down".
Hearing that from these super busy-packed-schedule missionary/ministry people really touched me. I really felt like all those people at the conference that I didn't know were my brothers and sisters.

Before I went to the retreat, I had met up with a good friend, and as we talked about our struggles that semester, I mentioned how this one time I had to call my mom at 1am because I was feeling very very down. She looked at me and she said "you can call me too". And when I heard that, I was like "really?" I didn't say that, but in my mind I thought: wow, I never had a friend like that. I thought only family could do that---but hey, we are all family. Jesus said to carry each other's burdens and to build each other up in Christ.

So anyway, after that I went to the conference and learned more about family. (yea, this post is in reverse chronological order: the first paragraph is stuff I thought about after the conference actually. ) yep. We have a wonderful Papa--a wonderful Daddy. and I am His daughter. :) yay

God is for us, not against us

I finally let God back into all of my heart.

I have been like a little kid who wants to hold onto candy, afraid that God will take it away--or worse, that God will take away my desire for candy. I guess I realized, with the help of people, that letting God into all areas of my life doesn't mean that He will take everything away. That's not why He wants a relationship with us. A father doesn't grab candy from a kid's hands and say harshly "no candy, ever! only daddy!" lol. In fact, sometimes the desires we have are from God. If it's not, He will gently change them--I guess that's what I was afraid of. I wanted to keep my desires and thus keep God far away from them, lest He change my desires. lol... that's the little blind kid in me. Sometimes it takes some clarification and changing of mindsets and changing of perceptions about God to let God in. And that's what happened today. Thank God for spiritual mothers and fathers. :) Of course, I have still a lot to learn about God. Now I just have to trust Him--that He wants the best for me, and that He knows what's best, and most of all, that He knows.

Reflecting over the first half

Now that it's spring break, I thought I'd reflect over the first half of my 2nd semester.
Second semester was definitely a lot different from first semester. First semester I experienced a lot and I grew a lot spiritually. For the most part, life was joyful and my mind was turned towards God. When asked, "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the time you have here?", I would answer that I wanted to grow exponentially in God--that I wanted to get to a point where God became more real to me than any person, so that I would turn to God instead of always turning to other people for things that only God can complete.. etc. ...
So, basically, when people asked me about what my plans were for my time at Cornell, all I could think about was my future with God. Everything I answered had to do with God. I only realized later that the question had not specifically referred to God. It's just that when I thought about my time at Cornell, I automatically thought about my relationship with God.

What about this semester? If someone asked me "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the 3.25 years you have here?" , I don't think I would automatically think about spiritual things that I wanted to do. I don't think I would have the same answer as I did first semester. This is kind of scary now that I think about it. This is what I would answer:
'I want to figure out my major. I want to do better than I ever thought I could do, academically. I want to do undergraduate research some time before I graduate. I want to read more--I want to become knowledgeable. I want to figure myself out. I want to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to figure out what kind of life I want, what kind of person I want to be. and I want to be that person that I would like to be.'

Notice, how everything I would answer is all about me--about how I want to improve myself... in everything except spiritual matters. How sad! How sad it is to live for yourself. Why don't Iknow that I am a vapor that appears for a little while and then disappears? What is my life? (James 4:14).

Actually, re-reading what I wrote about what I would answer makes me tired. If I really tried to do that for 3.25 years, I would burn out. Even just having that kind of mindset for half of this semester traumatized me. yes, I am traumatized. And I also realized that I am tired; I had probably been denying my tiredness while in school, because I can't "afford" to be tired (emotionally or physically or mentally) in school. ... because being tired takes up time, just as being depressed wastes time.

I think that in my heart I am still holding onto those things that I mentioned. Why?

Cry in My Heart by Starfield:
There's a yearning again.
A thirst for discipline.
A hunger for things that are deeper

God knows why. God knows everything about me. He was and is and forever will be. I am a vapor that changes week to week, semester to semester, but God is always the same. Cornell could disappear tomorrow, but God will never disappear. Although my heart is not where it should be, although I am still having trouble surrendering all of my heart to God right now, I know that God has not given up on me. O Lord, help me. Save me from myself, for you are good O Lord, and your mercies are endless. I can say I love you Lord, but I also know that no one can serve two masters. Lord, draw me to you again. I don't want that which I hold onto, yet it's hard to let go. Thank you Lord, for being patient with me.

~sorry if this post was not very encouraging. I am in the middle of a lesson.

What is "realistic"?

In my writing seminar, we were reading creation myths. There was one where there were two "gods"--one left-handed, and one right-handed. The right-handed one killed the left-handed one and threw his body parts in random places. And those parts became things like the ocean or land or whatever. We discussed the differences between this creation story and Genesis. Someone mentioned that this one was more violent and the Genesis one seemed more peaceful and perfect--like the garden was perfect and everything at first was perfect. The teacher nodded and said "yep, so this story is more realistic."

That response got me thinking... What is our definition of "realistic"? She said "more realistic" in such a tone that it sounded like the more "realistic" story was better-- as if the more "realistic" something is, the more believable it is (which would be true if her definition of "realistic" was correct). The word "realistic" comes from the word "real". So, what is real? Heaven is real; God is real; eternal life is real; love is real.

We are so used to evil and bad stuff that we call it "realistic" --because yes, that is the real situation of this world. And yet, it seems like everyone's definition of 'realistic' is different. One person's "realistic" could be another person's "pessimistic". Maybe I'm nt making sense.

My point is... that I think people need to know what is real. Jesus prayed: "Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven". In relation to this post, that is a prayer for what is real in heaven to equal what is real on earth.

Let us not have a pessimistic definition of "realistic", but to know the hope we have in Christ and to believe for God's Kingdom to come, his will, which is done in heaven, to be done on earth.
Actually, I do admit this is really difficult in practice, but pretty easy to understand in theory...but I will at least say that it is not unrealistic to do this.

Are there sick people in heaven? are there blind people in heaven? Are there people who do not know Him in heaven? As it is in heaven, it should be on earth. Yes?

Let our minds be transformed by God :)

The Start

I hope that this blog will be at once God-glorifying and honest.

For a while I wasn't sure what the purpose of a blog was. I'm sure there are some people out there with the same question.

My hope for this blog is not only encourage others through honestly sharing what I am going through and what God is teaching me, but also to encourage myself and remind myself about how great God is.

Today in bible study, a sister mentioned "preaching to yourself". I thought about it and I really like that idea--mainly because it works. We read Psalm 42.

Psalm 42:10-11
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God"?

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Basically, the psalmist writes about his current condition/situation in life and how he feels "downcast", but then afterwards, he tells himself to put his hope in God. So, the psalmist is, in a sense, "preaching to himself" or reminding himself of God's hope. And when we read the psalm, we are also encouraged. So, it's a two-way deal. :)

yep, so that's why I'm starting up this blog---to remind myself of how great God is, to encourage myself and to share this encouragement with others. If at any time you feel that my blog is not God-glorifying or encouraging, feel free to correct/remind me.