Fire/passion for God.
It's one thing to live under someone else's fire, and another thing to go where there is no fire, start your own and keep it going.
I've always believed that in order for me to be "on-fire" for God, I need to be surrounded by others who are passionate about God. I'm not talking about the emotional talkative evangelists, but just people who really love God. And you can tell. Love overflows from them; they love the things God loves; they put the Kingdom of God first.
It was hard to admit to myself, but ever since college, I've been secretly searching for the same Christian community. Like, deep down inside, I was like: I just need to live in the right location and meet those awesome Godly people whom I can be around all the time so they can rub off on me, and so that we can be spiritual buddies. But I guess that's not how it always works, slash not extremely realistic. It's time to start my own fire.
I also realized that I often tell myself lies. Like: "oh once I go to my next new location, I'll spend more time with God and get a routine going". Or: "I'll be neat later on in life; I can do it if I try". Or, "I'll get involved in the community more once I get out of MBA; this is just a temporary location". But I was reminded yesterday that a lot of future pastors tell themselves something similar, that "once I get into ministry, I"ll get serious about spending time with God", but the truth is if we're not doing it now, we're not going to do it later. I should steward well the time and stuff that I have now.
Sigh. So many convictions about stuff I should do and how I should live my life, but it's so, so hard. It is so much easier to watch a K-drama, spend all day chatting with friends, and fill my time with fun things so I don't have to be quiet and spend quiet quality time with God. It's almost like I'm afraid to spend time with God, because I'm not sure if He really really satisfies my desires, my loneliness. And it's really hard to let go of the idea that a guy will solve my problems. I know in my head that romance won't solve anything, but I'm not sure if my heart knows that or is ready to accept that. It's stupid. Like, clearly God is better, but it's just so much easier to focus on entertainment in life and youtube/chatting/vacation-planning/thinking or whatever other distractions we use. I think about God a lot, but I don't spend a lot of time with Him. It's different. I think about Him, but I don't talk to Him. that much. I should start again. It's hard. It's really hard. I don't know why.
