Processing Mexico

Mexico messed up my life, but I'm not sure how it did, or what is messed up. If you were there with me, you probably wouldn't be able to tell that it had such an impact on me, because I'm generally undramatic, and I'm also a slow and internal processor. In the moment, I often don't even know how I feel, so it's unlikely that anyone else does. Sometimes it takes hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks to process.

Sometimes the processing never finishes, because I get lost. What am I even processing? Is it even accurate? What if I'm making it up? I get confused or depressed and give it up before any additional downward spiral begins.

Sometimes it's good. It makes me desperate for answers, for questions, for Jesus.

Mexico was great. It was eye opening to learn about trafficking, to spend time with the girls in the safe house, to walk around the red light district, see the prostitutes eating together, to hear about the work that is being done to fight trafficking, etc. It was great to be mentored by and spend time with people who love Jesus. I felt ministered-to, even though I was just a visitor.

The team hangouts and conversations about life and relationships were really nice. Sometimes it felt like college again--- eating tacos and walking around convenience stores at 9pm, chatting in the living room until midnight about every spiritual and deep topic possible. And then sharing a room with a good friend, and praying together before we both fall asleep. It really was like college for a week. It was so, so nice.

Part of me is like, dang that's the dream life. If you are a missionary, you get to hang with your team all the time like that. But that's not reality. I talked to one of the staff who has been there for 8 years. She talked about all the really hard hardships she went through in her time there, such that she was almost going to give up and go home. The reality is that life is hard. It's not all tacos and deep conversations at midnight.

But what else about Mexico messed me up? The love and family-like atmosphere among the staff and our team that went. It sucks to meet people, come to really love them and then have to leave.

In our debrief meeting, the staff was like: a lot of people ask us "what can we do?", and I used to say "Sell everything you have and move down here. I did it. so why can't you?" But now I tell people to "be the best that you can be". Be who God made you to be. It's not about building up this organization, but about building God's Kingdom.

He gave a good illustration. At the Church in Mexico, they asked if anyone wanted to go to Venezuela (via Columbia) to help with the Crisis, and many people came to say they wanted to go help. But he felt that something was off. He felt that some people just want to go help somewhere far away, but they're not doing God's will where they are currently at. It's like escapism.

So he said: focus on being in God's will and doing God's will where you are at. And that means being who God wants you to be. Being the best you. "Enjoy where you are at right now but continue to say yes to Him. You need to enjoy the present and not be stressed about the future or expectations of the future. Our focus needs to be Jesus. When He says move you move. But when the purpose becomes the focus, than it becomes an idol."

Great debrief. I just need to read that quote over and over again, and saturate myself with God's joy, and focus on living in the present.

Amen

29

I didn't get to do a birthday post after my birthday yet, because I went to Mexico city for a week to visit El Pozo de Vida, an organization that fights human trafficking in Mexico (and globally). It was an amazing experience, but I'm still processing it, so another post on that later.

Reflections on my 28th year:

• Went to the Philippines
• Started dating Jon (probably the biggest / most significant thing)
• Paid off MBA loans
• Became more involved in Church and cell group leading
• Strengthened my theology through wrestling with different issues
• Read a lot of books (mostly on deliverance, inner healing or other spiritual books)

Overall a really good year, though there were definitely tough weeks. It has been truly amazing to have close friends and community. 

For my 29th year, I hope to:

• Grow in character: wait on God, trust in God, be quick to admit fault, let go of pride, be honest with myself and God, proactively love those who are hard to love, actively not judge qualities/mindsets that are easy for me to judge
• Pray without ceasing: constantly be aware of God's presence and hear from Him even as I'm doing something else, pray continually in my spirit
• Love God without restraint: pour all of my affection and my actions out in loving God; don't hold back
• Live in the present: be engaged, active, high energy, responsive
• Use my gifts of administration, strategy, wisdom 
• Find things I love to do, and do them. life should never be boring if we are wholesome
• Be honest with myself, and continue being deep in general. I'm a deep thinker and that's how I flourish. 
• Invest wisely and be generous financially