Being able to enjoy things is a gift

Hearing my friend's dad talk about his journey with chronic depression made me realize that being able to look forward to things and enjoy things is a gift.

As someone who has experienced depression before (although it was a short period in college), I personally feel like depression is way worse than intense emotional pain, because when I was depressed, I felt nothing and I longed just to even feel sad so that I could cry and get over it. But instead I felt nothing and numb.

Periodically/sometimes I feel an inkling of that gloominess/boredom/numbness creep up. But because I hate depression so much and I am pretty sensitive/alert to it coming back, I am extremely diligent about shooing it away asap. I buy blueberries, try to eat anti-inflammatory foods, listen to sermons, listen to new music, pray in tongues, etc. I try my best to snap out of it, and enjoy life. Fortunately, I have not experienced it again (at least not the full extent) since college, though I understand everyone is different and some people are not able to just "shoo" it away despite trying.

Last month, I went to Chicago and DC. People were like: are you excited for the vacation? and I'm like... yea, I guess ? But honestly, I was neutral. Maybe I'm jaded by vacations. I mostly just like spending time with people and building memories. I do like the good picture-taking excuses, because I like good pictures. Anyway, looking back, it is kind of scary that I wasn't super excited about the vacation. I did enjoy it, but I used to be more excited about vacations and would anticipate them more. Maybe I enjoy my life in the bay area a lot now, so vacations are kind of on par with normal enjoyment ?

Like in December, I'm going to Taiwan and not excited about it at all. I really don't care about food. I care about people. I mean, I like good food, but I like love so much more, that I don't care too much about food. But if you put bad food in front of me, I'll still probably not eat it unless I'm super hungry, because I still don't want to waste my stomach space eating bad food. I still want to maximize my enjoyment in the area of food, but a hug or deep conversation is like 100+ times better than food.

Anyway, reflecting on my low excitement for vacations made me wonder if I'm secretly depressed. I'm now more vigilant about being aware of what I like and enjoy, and trying to heavily emphasize and remember that those are things I like.

I like:

• chewy things: taro balls, pork intestine, boba, oyster omelet
• good pictures of people I love (either taking the pictures or being a part of them. outdoors is preferred for lighting. with a real camera)
• nature: especially bodies of water and vibrant colors (green grass, green moss in iceland, colorful mountains in iceland when the sun is setting, blue lake reflecting green mountains), ocean waves, uncrowded beaches, the sun
• good, new worship music, and new music that I like; i generally like pop and soft rock
• warm hugs, warm touches
• looking in someone's eyes, and looking deeper into them in a 1:1 conversation, and feeling compassion/love for them
• corgi's
• deep meaningful honest transparent conversations, wholesome community
• redemption, healing, wholeness, reconciliation -- seeing it or being a part of it
• worship and God's presence
• good sermons
• when other people think I am funny, or say that I am one of the funniest people they know
• being weird / creative, doing something not routine once in a while
• financial planning and optimization
• movies that make me cry, like: short term 12, I can only imagine
• crying
• when other people think I'm intriguing and want to get to know me
• doing perfect push-ups
• taking walks at night when it's cool - not too hot, not too cold
• thinking about how cute everyone is, and thinking about everyone's personality
• replaying funny moments in my head
• being respected at work. I like when other people think I'm smart, because I know I'm not, but I still like it when other people think I am. I get competitive/aggressive when I sense my respect is being challenged, but otherwise I'm chill
• harmonious relationships, close community, family, support

I'm sure there's more. But it's great to know and remind myself that there are many things I like and that I'm passionate about. That I'm not just someone who goes along with what other people want. I have desires and passions too. When threatened, I will stand up for my convictions. 

I'm trying to be more aware of my feelings, even my anger. I don't want to stuff anything away. I want to deal with everything now. But sometimes I feel like my anger is fleeting. I'm angry but the next day I'm fine. But am I really fine or am I just "fine" and it's still somewhere inaccessible until it comes out? Someone told me that depression is anger turned inward. It kinda makes sense. 

Memory

I said: you hurt me
And she responded: why do you always only remember the times that I hurt you?

Well, I do remember both the good stuff and the bad, but because the hurt is more current, it sticks out more.

Last year, a couple told me about their first year of marriage.
The wife said: the first year was like hell. We hated each other.
The husband said: noo, it wasn't that bad. You're forgetting the good parts.
Wife: No, we really hated each other's guts.

It is quite interesting that different people remember the past differently. And it's quite scary sometimes too. Because what if you invest so much in someone, but you mess up at the end, and that's all they remember? It's kind of like the Christian walk. You don't want to mess up at the end.

It's like when people get divorced and they admit: I did love you at some point, but I don't now.
Pretty scary that our emotions can change and our memory can fade.

When I watched the movie: "I can only imagine", I cried so much. The forgiveness scene. His dad was trying so hard to make up for the past, but his son wasn't giving him a chance. The son said "and now you just want to come here, make breakfast, pretend like nothing happened. It doesn't work that way dad".

Sometimes I wonder if I remember things correctly. If I only remember the bad, or if I only remember the good, or if my weight for bad vs good is inaccurate. (I know, like who cares right?)

Cornell is a unique memory. It was a good time, but I also remember it was painful. It was painful, yet lovely. There were so many meaningful deep conversations in Cascadilla Hall, and in Eddygate. There were strong friendships formed. There were tears. There were amazing God moments, where you can really see God moving on campus, in people's hearts, through people's visions. But academics was hard. Not being smart enough was hard. Late nights, all nighters, cold winters, depression, unexplainable emotions, relational drama, etc. Cornell has some of the highest highs and lowest lows. Maybe not the highest and not the lowest anymore, but definitely has some of the top 5 best and worst times of my life.

The Israelites in the dessert who keep forgetting what God has done. And the disciples who forget Jesus just multiplied bread, though that's not really forgetting. That is more like not implementing that knowledge into an understanding of who Jesus is.

Memory is important because we need to remember what God has done, because that helps us know and remember who He is, and it helps keep us humble and thankful.
In the same way, if we remember what people have done in our lives, it keeps us humble and thankful and probably fosters better relationships.

What is the use of remembering the bad things? Part of it is good for learning--to learn from mistakes--whether yours or others. Part of it is just being rooted in reality. If you live in a dream world of only positive things and don't understand the reality of other people's pain, how can you empathize or speak into their lives? God doesn't cause pain, but he doesn't waste our pain.
Also, part of recognizing bad things and pain is so that you can deal with it and truly heal from the root. Truly forgive and let go, and let go of all expectations that your pain would ever be acknowledged. Just give it to God. God doesn't waste our pain. God makes us whole.