As someone who has experienced depression before (although it was a short period in college), I personally feel like depression is way worse than intense emotional pain, because when I was depressed, I felt nothing and I longed just to even feel sad so that I could cry and get over it. But instead I felt nothing and numb.
Periodically/sometimes I feel an inkling of that gloominess/boredom/numbness creep up. But because I hate depression so much and I am pretty sensitive/alert to it coming back, I am extremely diligent about shooing it away asap. I buy blueberries, try to eat anti-inflammatory foods, listen to sermons, listen to new music, pray in tongues, etc. I try my best to snap out of it, and enjoy life. Fortunately, I have not experienced it again (at least not the full extent) since college, though I understand everyone is different and some people are not able to just "shoo" it away despite trying.
Last month, I went to Chicago and DC. People were like: are you excited for the vacation? and I'm like... yea, I guess ? But honestly, I was neutral. Maybe I'm jaded by vacations. I mostly just like spending time with people and building memories. I do like the good picture-taking excuses, because I like good pictures. Anyway, looking back, it is kind of scary that I wasn't super excited about the vacation. I did enjoy it, but I used to be more excited about vacations and would anticipate them more. Maybe I enjoy my life in the bay area a lot now, so vacations are kind of on par with normal enjoyment ?
Like in December, I'm going to Taiwan and not excited about it at all. I really don't care about food. I care about people. I mean, I like good food, but I like love so much more, that I don't care too much about food. But if you put bad food in front of me, I'll still probably not eat it unless I'm super hungry, because I still don't want to waste my stomach space eating bad food. I still want to maximize my enjoyment in the area of food, but a hug or deep conversation is like 100+ times better than food.
Anyway, reflecting on my low excitement for vacations made me wonder if I'm secretly depressed. I'm now more vigilant about being aware of what I like and enjoy, and trying to heavily emphasize and remember that those are things I like.
I like:
- chewy things: taro balls, pork intestine, boba, oyster omelet
- good pictures of people I love (either taking the pictures or being a part of them. outdoors is preferred for lighting. with a real camera)
- nature: especially bodies of water and vibrant colors (green grass, green moss in iceland, colorful mountains in iceland when the sun is setting, blue lake reflecting green mountains), ocean waves, uncrowded beaches, the sun
- good, new worship music, and new music that I like; i generally like pop and soft rock
- warm hugs, warm touches
- looking in someone's eyes, and looking deeper into them in a 1:1 conversation, and feeling compassion/love for them
- corgi's
- deep meaningful honest transparent conversations, wholesome community
- redemption, healing, wholeness, reconciliation -- seeing it or being a part of it
- worship and God's presence
- good sermons
- when other people think I am funny, or say that I am one of the funniest people they know
- being weird / creative, doing something not routine once in a while
- financial planning and optimization
- movies that make me cry, like: short term 12, I can only imagine
- crying
- when other people think I'm intriguing and want to get to know me
- doing perfect push-ups
- taking walks at night when it's cool - not too hot, not too cold
- thinking about how cute everyone is, and thinking about everyone's personality
- replaying funny moments in my head
- being respected at work. I like when other people think I'm smart, because I know I'm not, but I still like it when other people think I am. I get competitive/aggressive when I sense my respect is being challenged, but otherwise I'm chill
- harmonious relationships, close community, family, support
I'm sure there's more. But it's great to know and remind myself that there are many things I like and that I'm passionate about. That I'm not just someone who goes along with what other people want. I have desires and passions too. When threatened, I will stand up for my convictions.
I'm trying to be more aware of my feelings, even my anger. I don't want to stuff anything away. I want to deal with everything now. But sometimes I feel like my anger is fleeting. I'm angry but the next day I'm fine. But am I really fine or am I just "fine" and it's still somewhere inaccessible until it comes out? Someone told me that depression is anger turned inward. It kinda makes sense.
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