Promise

We pursue things that promise us what we want. But what if the promise was wrong? What if it was a myth? What if they promised us more than reality?

Career-wise, I've come to some conclusions:

1. I will never know if I am interested in something. Because what I'm interested in is largely determined by 1. who I'm working with and how much interaction is involved, 2. how good I am at it, 3. how rewarding it feels.

2. No matter how qualified I am, I can never guarantee myself a job. It's all about connections, economy, chance. "time and chance happen to them all"~eccl. Work hard, pray hard.

3. No career-related promise is guaranteed. "Just do computer science"; or whatever other career/field ... doctor, psychologist, actuary, finance, PhD, missionary, pastor, etc. Many career fields seem to promise certain things, but you never know. And even if they do promise the things you expected, there are sometimes surprise* tradeoffs that reverse/negate the reward. Be informed, but don't trust in career promises.

4. Don't go for the respect. If you want to go for the money, fine. It's a daily necessity, and you can give the excess back to God. But don't go for the respect. It's all imagined. Everyone respects different things. In the end, no one cares. Your personality, dress, how you take care of your family probably factors way more in "respect" by the time you are 35. And if you're Christian, watch out for spiritual politics. Don't go for the respect.

5. Don't be bitter, satirical, cynical, or "realistic". Don't be cynical in the name of being "realistic". Don't rob yourself of joy. Life is not about the promises the world can offer, but all the eternal promises that God guarantees. This doesn't mean: ignore the world and only ever be concerned with spiritual things. Be responsible, work hard, but have great joy that comes from God.

I'm preaching to myself today. Especially #5. I think my cynical attitude comes from thinking I know it all; I know the way life works, and the "reality". But really, I just lack faith in God, and belief in prayer. My mom told me that. She said it's all in my head, this spiritual stuff. I can talk the talk, but I'm not walking the walk. Then she told me all the answered prayer she had recently. I think I just stared at her as she encouraged me for 3 hours. I was like wow, since when did my mom see the importance of a "daily" connection with God? and wow, she worked till 3am on a big company problem/mistake, and then wouldn't let herself sleep, but prayed till 6am for the problem? And wow, God actually listened to her specific prayers about which company to increase orders from? She just picked a random company and prayed for that company! Wow, God tells her things, and it's not like my mom goes around boasting or showing off that God tells her things, because it's not about knowing "things" about people/future, or getting God to tell you things or answer you prayer, but it's about knowing God. When John the Disciple leaned against Jesus and asked "Lord, who is it?", and when Elisha asked for a double portion of anointing, it wasn't about knowing secrets, or having more power, it was still about God. And God getting the glory. It's okay to ask for stuff, and ask to know stuff. God loves us.

Legacy

It's really so much easier for kids to do what their parents do, career-wise. They've already got the connections. AND parents can hand down their experience to you/ tell you what to do /not to do / teach you what they know.

It really makes a difference. Legacy. For example

My dad is a programmer. The past several days he's been teaching me java and some basic computer architecture / database knowledge.

My parents know a bunch of people from work/ Church. And basically a lot of my career-related connections come from them.

My mom had a period of time when she was super hungry for God and read tons of Christian books and went to all these conferences and asked people questions about God. Even now, occasionally she will pray for hours. That has left me a great spiritual legacy. Just knowing there was that period in her life where she was that hungry.

In the same way, everything that we do and learn and experience leaves a legacy for our kids and the people we influence.

I was thinking today while worshiping / playing piano, that I'm actually leaving a legacy for my brother. My friend said that her youngest sister (of 3) is the best at piano because she grew up hearing/watching her two older sisters play. In the same way, my brother sees what I spend my time doing, and he registers that as the normal thing to do. Maybe normal is not the right word.

Every family has strange habits. I've heard of families that don't close the door when going to the bathroom (when there are no guests of course). Every family has a particular way of spending money. They do different things on weekends / holidays. They have different conversations when they're together. They do dinner differently.

Be thankful for the legacy you have received. If not from your parents, then spiritual parents, or others.

And that reminds me. Someone who has left me a fairly big legacy. Someone who I would consider almost like an older sister, being 4 years older and having also gone to Cornell. You have left me a legacy. It's okay that you make mistakes, because I learn from your mistakes. Because you share your life with me.

And it is God who has blessed me with these people and this legacy. When you are given much, you must steward what you've been given well, for much more will be expected of you. God, your Father, is proud of you.

Hope: what gets you excited

Hope is sometimes this abstract foreign term.

when we ask; What or whom do you place your hope in?, people sometimes have difficulty answering that question because they are unable to get a sense of what that question is really asking, or they think very abstractly of this far away time period, and answer "God". because they think about after they die, what will happen.

But what about the day-t0-day stuff. What would elate your spirits? Knowing that you aced a test, or that you have an exciting event to look forward to tomorrow? And what would depress your spirits?

Yesterday, I made the mistake of messing up my fragile motivated self by reading discussion forums about a certain career option. After reading those, I knew I had very little chance. If they have those qualifications and they don't have an offer, then I don't have a chance. And my plan B isn't really realistic either. for many reasons. The more I think about it, the more depressing it becomes, and therefore I stop thinking about it.

But the thing is: I used to get excited when I see people loving God more, or things like that. And in 9th grade, I cried out of happiness when I got an email from my spiritual mentor, saying she was willing to mentor me; I was excited about my future spiritual growth because of the accountability.

Life is lame if all we get excited about is passing tests, getting jobs, making delicious food, solving difficult problems, starting cool projects, planning an exciting hangout or vacation, etc. What about getting excited about the time you will spend with God? Or about your spiritual growth? Or about someone else's spiritual growth? Getting more excited about spiritual things than you would for worldly things.

And at the same time getting more "distressed"/concerned when someone you know is stuck in sin, or is lukewarm, or is straying from God. Do you love God enough to hate sin? And mourn and pray for people you know who claim to love God, but are in sin?

I am preaching to myself now, as the person who is not mourning/grieving, nor getting very excited about spiritual things. And as the person who needs to be grieved for and prayed for.

Here I am Again

Square one.

Honestly, before this semester/summer, I never really understood the concept of "loving the world", and why it was so hard to just... not love world. I've never been super materialistic or appearance-oriented, which is what I associated with "loving the world". I was also not really success-oriented; my goal was not to be rich and famous or anything. But now I realize that being worldly is much deeper than that. And it means something different for everyone, because everyone is tempted by different values of the world.

Friday, someone in my discussion group said he really wanted to just put God aside for 20 years, spend his time networking or doing things that would really advance him in life, and then after he's settled down and got everything together, he would go back to God. A brother replied honestly, saying: "You know, I think most of us think that; we just don't vocalize it. But here's the question: how do you know you can go back to God?". Another brother told a true story of someone who actually thought that and did that and then died without ever being able to get back to God. And then he said: "Even though it seems like other things are more important/worthwhile, I would argue that God is the most important".

Last semester, I would have been so confused at this conversation. Like, 'do Christians actually think that and not verbalize that? If you think that at all, you must not know God. Because if you know God, you will fall in love with Him and that thought would never cross your mind.' I would have been pretty disappointed that people aren't in love with God, or don't know Him as a friend.

But now I get it. And now I struggle with worldliness. Sometimes God is relevant in my heart; sometimes I forget that He is. A worldly mindset. where everything I do has to be efficient. It's all about one upping your status or competence or skills. Sure, I'll read the bible and still get something from my time with God. I'll pray. I'll think about God. But when I worship, it feels dry. I just don't feel like worshiping in my free time. You get to this peak point of efficiency where you just lose touch with your heart. Your life becomes about optimization and efficiency and feeling awesome from getting things done and having great interactions with people and giving great presentations and seemingly having everything going for you. But

The sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his own business ~James111

Worldliness. It catches up to you. and you don't even realize it. May the One who is able to move and soften my heart do so, that it would once again be softened, and stripped of all pride. That I may be pure and see God.

God's love makes up for it all

Love covers over a multitude of sins.

God's love.

God's love covers over a multitude of sins.

Not just that, but much more. God's love makes up for all of this. Whatever this is.

Imagine you're at a restaurant and you're waiting for your food. But you waited way too long. And it was the restaurant's fault. Finally the food comes, and before you take a bite, you think to yourself: This better taste amazing. The taste/quality better make up for all the time I had to wait.

Basically, situation B (in the future) better make up for situation A. It better.

As if you had a right to demand the situations that revolve around your life. As if you had a right to anything at all.

I had that thought today, and I've thought it many times without realizing it was wrong.

_____ better make up for all of this. Except it wasn't as logical (or simple) as the restaurant example.

But I realized that God has already made up for all of this. God's love makes up for all of it. For everything. No one and nothing owes me anything, because God has paid it all for everyone.

God loves me more than this. Whatever this is. Whatever is before my eyes at that moment. That thing that blocks my line of vision from seeing farther.

It's so, so difficult to really know that God loves us. And to really believe so.

But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something...It is so so cumbersome to believe anything ~ from Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller

What is the cost of believing that God loves me? I would have to let go of many many things, both abstract stuff like certain thoughts/feelings, and tangible stuff (people, how I spend my time now, how i imagine my life for the next 50 years). If I truly believed that someone loved me the way God loves me, and if I truly got that, then my entire world would change. What is it that hinders me from truly believing and knowing the extent of God's love for me? Maybe it's because I'm not at the end of my rope. Or because I haven't let go of the rope yet.

Playing as a team

The feeling of playing as a team. Feels quite different than playing for yourself.

When I played tennis doubles, I had really awesome doubles partners. It didn't matter if they weren't as good, or if they were super inconsistent. You always said things like" good job". "It's okay". "YEA [insert name]!!" Or you did the racket hi-five. You can't let the others person know that you are disappointed that they just double-faulted twice in a row. Non-performance-oriented approval always. It's always about boosting morale. More than half the game is the mental game.

I really liked doubles. But I also really like singles. The thing about doubles is you can't do anything too funky. You can't hit the ball as hard as you possible can just because you feel like it, even though you know the chances of getting it in are a lot lower when you do that. You can't hit shots you just "feel like" hitting; pride shots. You gotta pick a reasonable risk. (maybe this is why I wasn't good at singles...pride shots). Well, anyway. My point is that it's different; playing for yourself and playing as a team.

And I think in the Kingdom/spiritual sense, it is the same way. Whenever I think about all the Christians in the world working together and helping each other out, it makes me want to work harder. I love the passages in Acts where they say things like "All the believers were together and had everything in common." This is the appeal of many cults right? Live together and share everything and be missional. Is it because the Acts Church was just forming, or because of the individualistic world we live in today that we're not like that?

Don't think about it. Just ask God for direction.

I could not ask for more

Listening to the song "I could not ask for more" (Pandora)

Honestly, I could not ask for more. I have everything anyone could really want really.

Education, family, a comfortable life, friends, God. Contentment, peace.

But I have to admit that I don't have these realizations often. Even though I have much, I still look at qualities or abilities or experiences or personalities or influences or tendencies other people have.

I wouldn't call it envy. I would just call it not being fully secure in who I am and what I have, which is everything. I have everything because I have God. And I will always have God.

Looking forward to that coffee with God! haha. Pastor Paris.

Be a Woman

Dude, the phrase "be a man" is used so much, or just the term. And there are so many thoughts and connotations associated with that. Be responsible, be mature, be considerate, have godly character, don't get angry easily, etc.

But most of the things associated with being a man, also applies to being a woman. But there seems to be a stronger emphasis that guys have to grow up and be men, whereas it seems like girls just become women naturally without even trying. Well, that is true. Because usually "becoming a woman" just means... the estrogen is actually working. Like, just the physical outer appearance stuff. Not the character stuff. Not the proverbs 31 stuff.

Today during my super fail prelim, I wanted to just give up and leave. I had studied the wrong things; there seemed like no point in even trying to lamely write made-up answers. But I told myself that I needed to finally learn to stop being immature, stop trying to escape stuff or have give-up mentality when hardship comes. Be mature, Jamie. Be responsible. What if you were a guy?

I have no idea where that question came from, but it worked. What if I was a guy?

After asking myself that question, my whole mentality changed. I was like, wow, I would definitely have to be responsible and try my best to finish this prelim and try to scrounge up points. And not be angry with the TA or myself or life and throw a mental tantrum. I would have to be mature about this. I studied the wrong things, but now I'm at the prelim; there's no point in getting angry/upset, but just do the best you can and God will be pleased with your heart attitude.

so yea. Be a guy. Be a woman. whatever works to make you see the importance of having Godly character.

Wrestling with God

GAHH!!

ARG!!

So frustrating and confusing sometimes. Random things. Or everything. Life. Whatevers. Anything.

The temptation is to not think about it, or to deny it and claim that everything is fine, but the bottle only has so much capacity before it bubbles over or bursts.

Wrestling. We do it all the time. We do it when we pray: we wrestle in prayer; we wrestle with convictions, with God's word. We wrestle God.

I just think of Jacob wrestling God and not giving up till God blessed him. He definitely needed that blessing from God.

I really want to wrestle God. But there's a different between wrestling God and taking it out on God. Wrestling still carries reverence and fear, and you are still after the heart of God. Taking it out on God is slapping God in the face; it is being pridefully ungratefully angry at God, as if our sense of justice was higher than His. There is a fine line distinction between the two that I need to learn. Between wrestling with God and taking it out on God. You would think that it would be so obvious, since it's clearly very different.

Thankful for My Youth-Group Leader

I wanted to write this post because I've never 'formally/officially' thanked God for this experience/time in my life, and for this person having been in my life. I feel that doing this will help me to remember the memories during those 1-2 years in context of God, instead of simply in context of the emotions or the person. Because, it is God who brought me through those times, and God who taught me in those times, and God who loved me in those times. It is God who brought the people in my life and who changed me. And this serves as a testimony and remembering of sorts. It is good to remember what God has done, as well as what He still is doing.

I am thankful to God for my youth group leader in 6th grade, who loved me with God's love. Every week, I looked forward to Friday because of her.

I am thankful for the conference we went to that summer. It was there that she told me she was leaving our Church and would no longer be my youth group leader. God was there at that moment when she told me this, when my world fell apart at that news. He was also there that night during worship when they played the song "Hungry", and I fell to my knees and cried and cried. More like sobbed.

I'm falling on my knees, Offering all of me.

Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

I told God that I needed Him, because He would never leave me. Everyone else would leave me, but He would never leave me nor forsake me. Then a friend (also in 6th/7th grade) came to me and said to me: "I felt like God wanted me to give you this verse", and he read it to me:

For you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ~Jeremiah 29:13

I hope that I will always remember that God was there during that time, and during the year(s) afterwards when I still missed her. I forget again and again that I need to put my trust and hope in God, not in people (or achievements). These things will fail and/or fade away, but God will never fail.

In December 2002 (I was 12), I wrote in my journal:

"I think that following God is like connecting dots, except the dots form a straight line. The dots are like retreats or going to Church or Christians around you or maybe the Holy Spirit or God. You need them for the line to be straight... There are usually only two dots because you only need two dots--Church, cell group. Only need two dots to draw the line, but the line goes farther than the two dots. It's hard to keep drawing it straight. You need more closer dots. Closer meaning time. Like everyday you need to have an intimate relationship with God, not just Sunday and Friday, but every day- daily devotions, to keep you on a straight path. I think God is telling me this. I need more of Him in my life, like every day. I hope that I don't forget this" ~Jamie Tsai 12/29/2002

And I hope that I don't forget this. That I need thee, God, each day.

What a beautiful journey it is with God. I share this post to preach to myself and remind myself, and so I can look back on this when I forget, as well as share this testimony of what God has done with others. Hopefully it is God-centered and God-glorifying. We need God. God loves us.

Escapism

Just wanted to share a funny conversation I had last week with a sister:

We were talking about life, and agreed that it was complicated and/or hard.

I think that is the context.

[sister]: yea, but I'm kind of escaping life

[me]: what! how?

[sister]: I've been watching TV shows

[me]: Whattt! *slaps her shoulder* you're cheating. You're cheating on life; you need to experience the same amount of pain that I do!

*we both laugh*

Even though we both laughed a lot, and I said it jokingly, you know there is some truth in it!

A Spiritual Battle

Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rules, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms

Ephesians 6:12

We cannot see the spiritual realm, but it is going on.

Every word that comes out of your mouth carries power. Not just for the hearer, but in the spiritual realm. Of course, God protects us, but there is still a battle in the spiritual realm. From your mouth, you carry forth blessings and curses.

So yesterday was particularly strange, because I could not focus at all, nor felt motivated to do school; I had one problem left, but I couldn't bring myself to do it or to care. So, I emailed my mom to pray for me. And then I went to sleep. In the morning, everything was better, and my mom said that she had prayed for me for hours, worshiping and stuff, and that she had said something negative out loud yesterday (the thing she said was related to the reason I couldn't focus, but I'll keep that private for her sake) that might have affected me, since I am her daughter. (I did not talk to my mom yesterday, but things happen in the spiritual realm). She said she felt something lift when she was intercessing for me. (and had some strong physical manifestations as well)

Things like this happen a lot. If you are sensitive, you might feel stuff more easily and need to really pray and worship to protect yourself. For example, sometimes when you go into a store, or a place, you just feel that something is dark in there, or the spiritual atmosphere is not right; or the reverse could happen, and you could go into another place and really feel that God's presence is weighty in there. Spiritual sensitivity is spiritual awareness; it is both a gift and just developed from experiencing God's presence more. My mom definitely has this gift, and when she goes into some spiritually dark place, she is more easily affected (gets sick, spiritually attacked, etc.). But this is also why she is a prayer warrior and intercessor.

I was telling someone yesterday that at the moment I actually do think life has meaning, because everything we do affects everyone else, especially in the spiritual realm. You cannot see what your prayers do, or what your words do, or how your worship has an affect in the spiritual realm, but it does. When my mom visited her close friend, she was just worshiping God downstairs and praying, while her friend was upstairs, but the friend said she felt so peaceful, like she hadn't felt in years. Because we carry God's presence and because God is in us, every place we step into is spiritually affected. This is why we are actually light bearers. You have to believe that you actually do make an impact and have confidence in God who is in you. Have confidence in who you are as sons and daughters of God who carry power.

O God.

I'm so glad that God is able to use all things for the good of those who love Him.

I make so many mistakes. And it sucks. I know this is not eloquent language here, but that's the truth. It sucks to make mistakes.

Especially mistakes that hurt people. Mistakes of not loving people, not seeing them the way God sees them. Not treating them the way God treats them. Not praying for them.

I want so badly, to know that I'm doing the right thing. But after a certain age, there is no right answer. God can give you discernment and wisdom, and you can consult others, but in the end you never know. Like Steve Jobs said: You can only connect the dots looking backwards, never forward.

I still don't know what to do after college. I can't go into materials science; I don't like it, and therefore won't make it in that field.

It is so, so hard to know what is right. Both the path we choose to take in life, and the words we say, and the way we spend our time--what we choose to think about. I can choose to not think about interpersonal interactions and not to think about my future career, and just do psets and study, but is that the right choice? Sure, I'll save time and get more sleep. What is the right choice? Or, am I even capable of blocking out my own thoughts and feelings and desires in the name of efficiency? What if I cannot actually contain these thoughts or feelings anymore?

One thing I know. At the end of the day, all I really want is to love and be loved completely. And that can only happen with God. To love Him and be loved by Him. He already loves me completely, but how do I completely accept that love and love Him back? After that, my life will be complete. My God looks upon me with jealous eyes. and gives me much grace. and knows me. Though I am ugly, He makes me beautiful. I am beautiful because He calls me beautiful.

I thank God that it's not all about me. Such a relief. God's got it all down. And I can trust in Him. And not trust in myself. I do not trust myself anymore. I pray that God would pick up all the pieces I've dropped. and heal all the mistakes and sins of the world. and help us to see Him in all His glory.

The Laundry Post

This is the post that happens when you are waiting for your laundry

Today, I was reminded of what my dad once told me. He said that it doesn't matter if your singing voice isn't good, as long as you sing with your heart. (He probably said this because my mom often tells me that my singing voice is bad, and so he wants to clarify to me that it doesn't matter if it's bad; what matters is that you are singing with your heart, because people can hear that.)

Then I thought of the poem: I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

because the caged bird sings with his heart, for freedom, for hope.

As I read the poem:

The caged bird sings

with fearful trill

of the things unknown

and longed for still

I remembered that I am not a caged bird, but that I am already free. God has set me free.

I praise God that I am made free and can have confidence in my identity in Him. This is why I sing. This is my story; this is my song:

I Know Why the Free Bird Sings.

Thankful for My Dad

I was debating whether or not to share how wonderful my dad is, but I have decided to share because God has given me my dad, and every good and perfect gift is from God. and my dad is definitely a blessing in my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without him.

As a brother mentioned, we don't love God only because we love His gifts, but we love the One who gave the gift. As in, our focus is still primarily toward God and not basking in how awesome we are because we have this gift. Thus, realizing what we have is not to feel more secure in what we have, but to realize how good God is for giving us these things that we often forget. And so here it goes:

I was just reminded yesterday of my dad, when my spiritual mentor told me "You have a good dad. Did you know you have a good dad?" I said yes, that I knew. And I did know, but there is just something different about someone else telling you that you have a great dad, and when multiple people tell you the same thing, and when people also tell your mom that she has a great husband. It makes you step back and wonder if you missed something about your dad that other people are seeing. And so I spent today realizing the extent of how blessed I am to have my dad.

My dad, in four adjectives, is generous, open-minded, thoughtful and responsible. He is also supportive and loyal.

It is because of my dad that I'm not afraid to be passionate and to have a vision. If I have a desire or a goal or a vision, I know I have the freedom to go after it with support (still with wisdom of course). The best example that I have is when I was obsessed with tennis. I played since I was 10. I didn't make the team in 7th grade, but then in 8th grade and 9th grade, I made junior varsity. After my first season in high school, I made it my goal to make Varsity for sophomore year; I was determined to do anything to reach that goal, and my dad was supportive. He was the one who drove me more than an hour away each week to get private lessons from a famous instructor. He also bought a tennis ball machine and would take me to practice on the weekends and whenever I had time; a few times I think we even practiced at 5:30am before school. I also attempted to play in USTA tournaments and he would drive to those as well. Tennis is an expensive sport if you want to be good; it was a very big investment, both financially and time-wise. I never made it to Varsity. I was 1st or 2nd JV sophomore year, and I stayed in JV junior year. As senior year was nearing, I wanted to finally make varsity; we got new private coaches, and I enrolled in intensive summer tennis programs to train--all of this the summer before senior year. But then, during the two weeks of tryouts, I knew I wasn't going to make Varsity. And my heart was already drifting towards other endeavors, like self-studying for SATII Physics so that I could be an engineer. I told my parents that I felt like quitting tennis because I wanted to study more for physics, but that I felt like I just invested so much money and time this summer that it would be a waste. My dad supported and encouraged me to quit, saying that this was a paradigm shift. It's not a waste; all that money we spent is not a waste. It's a paradigm shift; when it's time to move on, it's time to move on. What was important before may not be important now.

And that's how I think about life now; my dad has given me that open-minded perspective on life. Nothing is a waste; sometimes it's time to move on; don't be too late to move on, you have to move with the shift. And when I think back to my tennis days and these lessons, I know that my dad is supportive of my growth as a person, and will support me in whatever direction I choose.

Praise God for my dad, a huge blessing and impact on my life. This post may sound like I'm just praising my dad, but in my heart, God is getting all the glory. I'm not just praising God's gift/blessing, but I'm praising God.

Praises Post Series

Exactly what the title says.

I was reminded today of what sisters have said about how sometimes in our sharing, we tend to share struggles a lot more often than praises, and I think even in my thought life I tend to do that. So, I'm going to use my blog for a while to praise God for how good He is!

Woke up early today to buy double-sided tape from the Cornell store for Senior lab. It was such a nice sunny day to walk outside. Praise God for that, to even be able to enjoy the weather and waking up "early".

Leaving Ithaca one day

Life is so weird. It's like it doesn't even matter. Like nothing really matters at all.

You grow up in a place or two, and then you move onto college, and then you move somewhere else. It's so weird. It's so weird to think that all my college friends come from different places and that half of us will probably go back to our original places, and half of us to new places.

Sometimes it's difficult to zoom in and out on my life like that and remember that my life is bigger than just this small time frame that my mind is focused on, and that this world is bigger than the engineering quad + collegetown + small section of new jersey. Whenever I go into zoom-out-on-life mode, I lose some of my rigor for things like school, and become unfocused. But I can't really snap out of it right now.

Today I thought of what one sister said to me a month ago. I was complaining about my feelings or about life, and how everything is so complicated and ugly. And she just replied: "[Jamie] You are very blessed". That's it. Just a one line reply in the email.

I looked at that line. and felt kinda ashamed.

And then I think of different people and their different lives. I thought of the young girl in Shanghai who was massaging my feet, --and our conversation, and how she said to me in Chinese: "ni hao xin fu o" (o, you are so fortunate). And how sad her eyes were so sad afterwards.

It's so easy just to think of all these things, and to think about the world and the brokenness, and then not want to do any academic work even though every motivated person out there will tell you that your academic work is necessary for helping people in the future. Either it's a training and discipline, or, it'll help people directly (through $$$). But somehow this isn't satisfying enough to motivate me.

Maybe because, everyone in the end always remembers that helping people in this life isn't as important as helping people in the next life (aka, to receive salvation). But, it's always easier to think about helping people practically than helping people spiritually. Because helping people spiritually means we need to help ourselves first, and then we realize that we are able to help people around us now/already, because everyone always needs prayer, to know God. And we ourselves need the most prayer to know God.

I don't think I'm doing well spiritually. Pray for me.

[EDIT]

I just found the answer to life in Psalm 102:11-12

My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass.

But you, O Lord, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations

I need to look at God more. I bet if I saw Jesus and how beautiful He is, and how holy He is, I would have no more questions about anything in life.

I need to see Jesus. forreals

Love and Hope

You are the Father to the fatherless

The mother to the orphan child.

You are the open arms to the prodigal,

Grace to the harlot daughter

You are the kiss upon the widow's lips

Life inside the barren womb

You are the vision in the eyes of the blind

The song inside the ears of the deaf.

Shores of Grace by Nic Billman

We don't have the ability to love everyone in the world, but God does. Every time I sing this song, it makes me think of particular people. People who are on the verge of divorce, or the middle/highschoolers in hurtful situations. And it makes me love God even more, knowing that He loves those people and hasn't forgotten them.

And a tidbit about hope. Another favorite quote that popped into my mind today. (I never forget my favorite quotes).

And whenever I see a first novel dedicated to a wife (or a husband), I smile and think, There's someone who knows. Writing is a lonely job. Having someone who believes in you makes a lot of difference. They don't have to make speeches. Just believing is enough.

-On Writing by Steven King

I thought of this quote when I was worshiping, so it must be related to the previous song. I was thinking that I'm so incredibly blessed to parents who really really believe in me. My dad always supports my decisions. My mom always tells me that I can do it. Even if she doesn't tell me that, even if she tells me the opposite, I still know she believes in me. It's like she believes in who I am, even if she doesn't believe in my abilities.

I think you can believe in someone without believing they will succeed in that particular thing. It's believing in who they are, and who they can become. It's believing in their potential in God's Kingdom. That God can use them, and that they can grow to love God obsessively and leak love everywhere. even if they fail in the immediate thing ahead of them.

And I just wanted to note that this is so weird that I'm thinking about hope and believing in people's potentials. Because a few weeks ago, I would have rolled my eyes at this stuff. When people told me "Jamie, I believe God will____[change]__ you", I was like okay thanks. but in my head I was sort of like whatever, that just sounds corny. The idea of hope was kind of foreign to me. And sort of disgusting because it was opposite of the pragmatic satirical sarcastic smart-ass comment mindset I had. Sort of like "don't be ridiculous and talk to me about hope. be realistic; I know how life works, and it works like this: just do it. Stop the psychobabble"

Amazing how a godly mindset is the opposite of a worldly mindset.

It's been a month!

It's been a month since I last posted! I decided not to blog for a month, for a variety of reasons, none of which I remember unless I look in my journal. The only reason I actually remembered during the month was that I told myself I didn't want to blog for a month, and therefore I was definitely going to keep my word. It was kind of silly, and there were definitely several times that I really wanted to blog, but didn't want to go back on my decision because I wanted my decisions to matter and my will to be powerful. I wanted to know that as long as I decided to do something, that it would be done.

Okay, so, it wasn't that big a deal. But the reasons for doing it, and the way I felt about it, reflects my heart and reasoning for many other decisions and aspects of my life for the past month. In other words, it's hard to let go of control. Not because of the control, but because of the things that fuel the control. fear, anger, hurt, pride, jealousy, selfishness, and the list goes on.

I just read on someone's blog "The reason we do not often receive revelations from God is because we are full of self. We resist revelations for it is often against our nature, ambitions, senses or emotions".

It's true. That is what I have been consciously aware of myself doing this past month. Because thinking takes up too much time. And being convicted makes you feel horrible. And really really loving God makes you count everything as loss. And I think I have a lot right now. But I guess, not enough apparently.

I realized this past weekend that I don't really believe that God loves me more than this. In my mind, I looked at something and was sad because I realized I don't have that and I didn't believe God loved me more than that. And then I looked to God and asked: "God, do you love me more than this?" I didn't wait for an answer. It wasn't a question; it was a complaint. I was sad.

Today someone prayed for me that God would convict me that I need to stop and spend time with Him in His presence, etc., and the whole time he was praying, I was actually afraid of the prayer. I was like: oh no, he's praying the prayer. I was like shoot, it's over. You prayed the prayer for me.

Anyway, this is the update of my life. It probably sounds worse than it actually is, because these are just my revelations, which tend to be convictions of what I'm doing wrong. I also have a lot of praises, like how God has been changing me this past month. How He always seems to know how to soften my heart. How He sends random people to pray for me and speak prophetically into my life. And how I've been learning so much more in school this semester and actually understand a lot of things and therefore enjoying it more, and how I'm making more friends in my major, which I think is absolutely exciting. and how He has healed my heart, except sometimes I forget He has and I try to use it against Him. hehe. Well, so there it is. The update on my life. A brighter conviction this week, was that I should stop using sarcasm to vent out my frustrating feelings towards life. and instead use my words to build people up. I almost felt sad that I was not treating people right. Like the people I see every day are the people that God absolutely loves. Like He looks upon them with fierce jealousy. They are His.

But it's still hard not to occasionally spew out sarcastic satirical vent-ish comments. It feels so good, as if I knew how life worked and how people worked and had the right to comment out of jest.

What comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart. If your mind is transformed, you won't see life the same.

okay this took way too long; I will limit my blogging, or limit my length from now on. This was like my 1 month garbage dump, trying to say a hundred things at once and connecting them all

Good quotes

From Ender's Game. Context: Peter and Ender are brothers and rivals;
Ender is talking with his sister Valentine, --the middle child!

"You don't understand", he said.
"Yes I do."
"No you don't. I don't want to beat Peter."
"Then what do you want?"
"I want him to love me."

This one is from Searching for God Knows What

And this is the thing about life. You go walking along, thinking people are talking a language and exchanging ideas, but the whole time there is this deeper language people are really talking and that language has nothing to do with ethics, fashion, or politics, but what it really has to do with is feeling important and valuable.

--

This is how I've been feeling the past week. I don't want what I say I want, and I don't want what I'm going after. It's not about beating Peter; it is much deeper, much much deeper.

Planning out my life

Planning out my life... is a very typical tendency I have. I actually sort of stopped doing this for at least a year. I have done it since high school. When I say "planning out my life", I really mean planning it out. If I'm thinking of orphanages, I'll really look up orphanages and create lists and find out the details and read discussion forums about it. In-depth planning. I want to be an informed decision-maker.

Planning out my life is so complicated. There are too many factors; it's like statistics. We learned today in class that SAT scores are correlated with height. This is probably because more nutrition leads to increased height. And because affluence is also correlated with height. And a million other factors, who knows? This is why there are too many factors to predict how my choices today will affect my tomorrow.

I want to predict what will happen, and so it's a game of probability. What is the most probable outcome of each decision? But somehow the spinner always lands on the least probable outcome that I never thought about. What up life. What up God.

Yet, though I know this, and though I know none of my freshman year forecasts came true, I'm too stubborn to stop predicting and planning. It's difficult to separate healthy planning and wise planning from unhealthy stressing out, because it's not like my heart rate increases when I stress out. How am I supposed to know if I'm stressing out, or doing wise planning? How do I know if I'm trusting in God? I used to base it off of my feeling, if I feel that I am trusting God, but I do not feel much anymore, or just recently...

Anyway, this is a very inconclusive vent-ish post.

A passage from Blue Like Jazz:

[P]"And I never thought after I got married there would still be something lacking. I always thought marriage, especially after I first met Danielle, would be the ultimate fulfillment. It is great, don't get me wrong, and I am glad I married Danielle, and I will be with her forever. But there are places in our lives that only God can go."

[D] "So marriage isn't all that it is cracked up to be?" I ask.

[P] "No, it is so much more than I ever thought it would be. One of the ways God shows me He loves me is through Danielle, and one of the ways God shows Danielle He loves her is through me. And because she loves me, and teaches me that I am lovable, I can better interact with God."

Not a completely unrelated passage; it all falls under the umbrella of life, and finding what you want in it (as in fulfillment). Except that as Christians, God comes first and what you want is what God wants, and what God wants is what is best for you.

And God wants you to want God.

What you fear

I journaled today. Like on paper and not on a word document. I think paper has a different effect; you ramble less because it takes longer to write, which gives you more time to think about what you are writing, which should make your writing more concise and meaningful.

And I realized.

that right now, (or rather yesterday/this past week), I was more afraid of losing what God gave me, than of losing God Himself. Not that we can "lose God", because God is constant; we are are the ones that get lost. But previously when people asked me what my worst fear was, I would say: 'Losing God'. (also a title of a great book for depressed people btw). So, when I say 'Losing God', I actually mean Losing myself.

I was more worried about losing the things God gave me, than about losing God. And I wanted the things God gave me, but without God.

But if you do not have God, you will destroy the things He gives you.

Or, the things you want and pursue will destroy you.

Too late

Yesterday, after 4 hours of being in office hours, there were 4 people left.

[me]: wow, I’m like making up for the past 3 years of not working so hard
[DY]: yea, but this is good; I’m understanding things. I like understanding things.
[me]: yea, I like understanding things too. I wish I had worked harder earlier; It’s too late now.
[DY]: It’s never too late.

Today, I replayed the conversation in my head a few times, and thought about whether or not it was true. That it’s never too late.

In a narrow-minded sense, yes, sometimes it can be too late--too late to meet a particular/specific goal. But in a broader, more general sense, no, it is never too late, never too late to start, never too late to change. If you are a father of a 25-year-old son and you never bothered to build a relationship with your son, then it is too late to create those childhood memories. And some may think you may never be able to win your son’s heart back after years of bad fathering. But it’s never too late to change. To start the process. The outcome may be uncertain, but it's not always about the outcome.

So, in the specific sense, yes, it is too late to make things the same again. Too late to meet particular goals, too late to turn back time. But it is never too late to change, to start over, to be forgiven, to forgive, change.

And that is why we say: “it is never too late” in response to someone who says ‘it is too late’. Because we are encouraging them to think in a broader sense.

In essence, we are saying to them: it doesn't matter, but think about what does matter.

It is too late--
It is never too late.

I have family

as I was sitting in my room, it hit me that I have family in Taiwan.

Especially thinking about all my cousins on my mom's side, four of them girls, and two of them my age.

I have another world in Taiwan. And I missed it--I missed growing up with them, though I saw them every few years. I realized this when I saw two of my cousins from different families/parents interacting. They were so close. and I realized I had missed it. I was their cousin too, but they had grown up together, in the same culture and country.

But I guess now thinking about it, I have family all over the world. in different cultures and countries. The only problem is I don't think of them as family. Once in a while, I remember that they are called family, because we are in Christ. But if I really believed that I had family all over the world, I'd live differently and think differently. I'd pray for them and give them money. I'd love them.

"But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually believe these things I have to do something about them. It is so, so cumbersome to believe anything." -Donald Miller, in Blue like Jazz

It's a different world out there. Actually, there are so many different worlds. But sometimes it's easier not to notice.

Nooooo

Nooo. School is starting.

first week's okay. and so is second week. maybe third.

Then school actually starts.

This is maybe the first time I want to stay home. Stay home, eat apples, apply to jobs, pretend to read textbooks. Read magazines about the decline of America instead.

and listen to my mom's cheery voice.

Well, the bright side is that I get to move around. Every two months, I enter a new state or city or country. Readjust, come back, readjust again. Woo. Carefree Nomad.

But sometimes when we go on vacation, we're not really adjusting to our surroundings. We go there to get something out of it, to bring something back. When we walk on the streets, we're not looking to understand the place, we're looking for a special experience, a unique gift, a picture-worthy scene. Something to bring back. Get something out of the trip.

But when you begin to fall in love with the place, you begin to think about what could you give to it, instead of what you can get from it. Sometimes you even think about what you can bring from your hometown to give to the new place. Not just materials goods, but skills, culture, experience, etc. When you begin to love a place and the people, you think about what you could offer them, what you could give them. And then, you adopt some of their culture and adjust to some of their thinking.

I really love Shanghai, and being there has changed me a little, but once I get immersed into Cornell life, I'll change back and readjust back. I don't want to change. I can't explain how I've changed; it's something you just have to sense. Big cities are a dangerous place; people change there. Not a good change, nor a bad change, strictly speaking.

It's the same with God. Sometimes you know there are certain conferences or meetings or people you want to avoid. because God often uses those certain ones to change you. Sometimes you don't want to change.

But God is like that. He changes you anyway. Because He melts your heart of stone. My heart is probably titanium. In three weeks it'll probably be squishy. I bet. God does that. He loves me too much.

Donald Miller quotes

Donald miller has the best quotes ever.

"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don't really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and can prove He doesn't exist, and there are some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care" -Donald Miller

"Humans are constantly, and in every way, comparing themselves to one another, which, given the brief nature of their existence, seems an oddity and, for that matter, a waste. Nevertheless, this is the driving influence behind every human's social development, their emotional health and sense of joy, and sadly, their greatest tragedies. It is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pinning for that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working. The greater tragedy is that very few people understand they have the disease. This seems strange as well because it is obvious. To be sure, it is killing them, and yet sustaining their social and economic systems. They are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem."

Back Home

Back at home after 2.5 months of roaming around china + taiwan

Everything is slower here. There's like grass.

Man, I love NJ. It's like family life, while Shanghai was like singles-life. Go wherever you want, do whatever you want. I love Shanghai. You meet people wherever you go and they like to talk to you. I miss Shanghai. I miss my coworkers and Chinese teachers. They're so cute. I gave them all the proxy I used to access fb. When I gave it to them, I felt like I had accomplished something major in China-- that even if they forget me, at least they got something out of knowing me. That at least I was useful.

But now I'm back home, and I love the US. Maybe with a different love, a love of familiarity. So thankful for email and facebook. It was almost hard for me to remember that I had a life back at home. and friends. Like real friends.

It was hard for me to remember the Cornell Christian community; CBS and COAH seemed fake at times. What instead became more real to me was my Cornell education, my grades, my career direction, my appearance.

because in asia, that's what's important. I got so many compliments/statements of recognition this summer for going to Cornell. I haven't gotten that since 3 years ago when I first got in, so I was a bit baffled at first. But then later, I kind of liked it and wanted it. It was an easy shortcut to respect without even doing anything.

And that sums up my summer. It's easy to lose God, and it's also easy to lose everything else, like your soul. It really is a fight. A fight for passion. For your heart. To get it back. For God.

Death

Sometimes it takes a funeral to remind you that this life is temporary, that there's no point in seeking after the same things the world seeks after, that pride is pointless, and youth is fleeting.

Sometimes it takes a funeral to remind you how precious and beautiful and unique each person is, and how they affect many other lives. And how sad it would be if they died without knowing God.

I attended my grandmother's funeral today; it was beautiful.

A Christian funeral.

I am so glad my grandma accepted Christ in her old age; otherwise I might have cried my eyes out. I still have 2 unsaved grandparents, and all of my uncles and aunt. The easiest time for people to accept God is when they are dying. So, you keep telling them testimonies of God working in your life, and even though they do not accept now, when they are on their deathbed, they will realize that deep inside, what you said all those years is true. But what scares me is not everyone dies on a deathbed.

--

My grandma's death timing is a testimony in itself. Our second day in Taiwan, my grandma's heart stopped beating. My mom had prayed that God would allow my grandma to live until we came back. When my uncle visited a catholic church in turkey, he lit 2 candles. He said when he lit the first candle, he said to God "my mom believes in your faith; let her go at a good time" (he himself is not a believer). And so the timing really was perfect; my grandma had been unconscious in the hospital for 4 years already. But she chose to go right when we came back, and 5 days later, today, there was a vacant funeral opening, and so we were even able to attend her funeral, including the incineration and burial.

Also, on the day that my grandma died, my mom had stomach pains; right when my grandma started spitting blood, my mom's stomach pain was so intense that she was making noises in the taxi; we even told the taxi driver to go to the hospital. Right then, we got a phone call about my grandma about to die. We didn't get to see her before she died; we arrived in the hospital an hour later and got to take a last look and pray for her.

So beautiful. The entire family (my family and my 2 maternal uncles' families) getting together, standing around the grave singing Amazing Grace, even though none of them are Christian. Both the Christian funerals of their parents (my grandparents) were testimonies for them, or at least an exposure to the Christian faith, something quite rare in Taiwan.

Citizenship

My citizenship is in heaven.

Thank God.

I spent almost the entire day on wikipedia, educating myself on historical events such as the Korean War and Sino-Japan wars, that I didn't really learn in high school, and looking up Wikileaks-related news, and North Korea-related info on google.

However, after a while, I felt that all this was pointless. I am proud to be pro-democracy and pro-justice, but perhaps my feelings go beyond that boundary into feeling superior in other ways. It's nice to have nationalistic feelings towards the country you associate yourself with, but not if it hinders you from seeing the greater picture... not if it hinders you from loving people, despite their beliefs

In the end, all countries will bow to the King of Kings. And I will proud to say then as I am now, that my citizenship is in heaven.

(Also, if you read wikileaks, you can see that every country has flaws, and every country is still motivated by self-interest and is still fearful of the same things)

Your Reality

Your reality is what causes you to become alive.

Some people are zombies when they go to work, but as soon as they come home and head off to a party or to the mall where their friends are, they become alive, their eyes light up, etc. and, basically they become another person. Because of their zombie-like state at work, their coworkers are probably just acquaintancs, since they have no interest in getting to know their coworkers, but simply are just waiting to meet up with friends after work. This situation only highlights 2 aspects/realities, one of which is significantly more 'real' to that person.

Most of us have multiple aspects of our lives, multiple realities. For me, I have work/coworkers, apartment-mates & western interns, Chinese tutors, Church people, Harry Potter novels, God's Word, iPod music/audiobook, Prayer time, etc.. Each of these has a different level of "realness" feel for me. It's not always about the amount of time you spend in each category that determines how real they are to you, because you could spend the most time at work and be the least 'awake' during that time.

I developed this theory yesterday, as I realized that before I started my Chinese private tutoring, I paid more attention to my coworkers and my life at work was slightly more "real"-feeling to me--I looked forward to seeing my coworkers and my eyes lit up more when I saw them,etc. , but since then my Chinese tutoring sessions have ranked higher in realness-feel. Also, I had stopped reading Harry Potter for half a week, but started reading the 4th book again yesterday, and felt that it decreased the realness-feel for other aspects.

But I don't think that when one aspect of your life becomes more real, then the other aspects necessarily become less real. ... but our own love is limited. We are selfish by nature, and when we have something else that makes us come alive, we are tempted to ignore the other things that do not satisfy us as much. But I want to try to keep giving my full self for my coworkers and my work, and the other aspects of my life. --and remember that I can only do this if my love comes from God. I hope that my greatest reality will be God, and that I may fall so in love with Him, that this reality will spill over to every aspect.

Okay. Sorry if this made no sense... it's probably a hit or miss type of thing to understand. I was really encouraged by 2 Peter1:3-11 yesterday, as I realized I am often nearsighted!!

Learn from Cults?

Cults.
What makes them not good?
Wrong Theology. Usually also legalism and an aspect of rigidity/controlling-ness.

The good parts. What draws people in?
The love, obviously. Or, should I say the initial love or love-showering? The friendship, the attention, the warmth, the openness. They live together; they are passionate; they are missional.
They believe in what they do, and they do what they say they beieve in. No one in a cult is lukewearm, unless they are 2nd generations. (the kids/teens)

It's been a while since I first (unknowingly) encountered /got slightly involved with a Church that was borderline cult. I wouldn't call them a cult, because they aren't really. But I remember really loving it, before I realized they were a cult. I remember thinking that it was so awesome that they are actually taking the bible literally! They live together, just like in Acts. Every morning, they pray together. Everything was the same as Acts, except that they didn't care for the spiritual gifts.

Anyway, I was just reminded of this, because a sister told me that she just visited a home fellowship and had the same experience I had when I visited one last Sunday. People in the fellowship asked us very directly "are you a believer?" We were both taken aback by this directness, but felt that it was very good. --very good, as in it is a good thing to do, and very good in the sense that it also felt very good. For me, it was the attention and the caring tone in which they asked whether I was a believer or not. The girl who asked me, practically stopped me in mid-conversation to ask me. It was the kind of tone in which you reach your hand out and touch the other person's shoulder and look in their eyes as you ask them in a concerned yet caring voice, 'are you a believer?'

Because that is what really matters.

Godly Parents

My mom's friend's friend's friend took me to his home fellowship today. Basically it was like 60 people packed in an apartment living room, singing typical Chinese songs, probably stream-of-praise. It was like churchAndcell group all in one go, 30 min of worship, an hour message, then dinner, then discussion. Not much different from the US.

I am so encouraged because this couple that brought me to the fellowship is so nice to me even though they don't even know my mom or anything. They are so interested in getting to know me even though there really is no reason to, and they ask me how everything is, remember what I tell them, and really treat me like I'm their daughter or niece (even though they already have a daughter my age). The couple reminds me of my mom. If you are ever a guest in my home and you understand Chinese, my mom will try to give you 50 years worth of wisdom in her stories, all of which are amazing. Anyway, I really love this couple. They are so in sync with each other and so god-centered in the way they think and in their conversations. When you are around them, you can just feel the love. It is amazing.

My mom just got their phone number from some 3rd hand source and called them and asked them if I could meet them. And then called me and told me to go meet them. You gotta love Moms. They always want the best for you and are willing to go farther than you to get it for you.

This past semester, whenever I heard of (or saw) or thought of people falling away from God, or drifting from God, this protectiveness feeling would sweep over me, like I wanted to go punch the devil in the face and grab these drifting-away people from the drift. and protect them. But the only thing I could do was pray. One time I was reading someone's blog, who was drifting away. and I was reading her thoughts on her blog and found myself yelling at my computer to her out of anger/protectiveness because the devil was deceiving her. Another time, I found myself imagining myself slapping someone really hard who I knew was contemplating suicide. And many times I have imagined myself hugging /locking my arms around someone who was depressed, and not letting go, even though they have this nonchalant, unaffected expression on their face.

I forgot why that was relevant. oh yes, today I was reminded of the protectiveness feeling because I felt it, forgot towards who though. And then I thought to myself that the me from this past semester would probably be feeling very protective of the current me. and praying hard for me. and maybe crying on the inside. And this thought of me crying for me greatly encouraged me. and reminded me of what I used to feel and believe, and how real it used to be. And how much God cries for me.

In Detail

I haven't really complained elaborately for a while, though there are things to complain about. I don't really mean 'complain' though. It's more like describing my thoughts and feelings in detail to someone, except since there are currently more negative realizations and feelings, I call it complaining. And I think that perhaps only when you complain in detail and spit it all out, do you really feel better. Usually because the person listening to you says something Godly that changes your mindset. But sometimes simply because they cared to listen and understand.

Love. because listening is loving. And Love changes your mindset. And often the reason you felt like there was something to complain about was because you had forgotten Love. You had forgotten that you are loved by the One who cannot love you any more or any less because He already loves you fully. You are loved. Did you know that? You are loved. You are loved.

You are loved.

With that being said, it's great to complain in detail to God, to the One who loves you. and then encourage yourself afterwards with His Truth, like what the author of Psalm 42 does, and what I had originally intended this blog to do for me.

Lying for people

I hate doing it. But I've never really been strong enough to "betray" a friend to defend the truth. And most of the time I can't figure out something smart to say to avoid having to say the truth. So I just end up saying "I don't know", which is a lie. Or, "she's not here" when she really is.

I've already lied twice for two diffrent people here, and I felt terrible doing it. I also don't like doing it because I don't like it when there is distance/a barrier between "authority" figures and myself. Or when it's like they're on one side and we're on the the other side.

It's hard to tell the truth.
It's hard to defend the truth.

The Answer

I have found
The Answer is
To love you and be Loved by You alone

Went running with this song replaying over and over again, and I wanted to shout/sing at the people on the streets that line

Glad for Discerning Christians

After work, while walking/metro-ing back, a friend's strong opinion on the idea of 'best friends' rang in my head. Her argument was fairly convincing. I agreed with her but in my head I knew I was open to different opinions as well. And today, her convincing points made think a lot and made me quite insecure. I ended up bringing up this topic to my flatmates and both of them disagreed quite strongly with my other friend.

The Christian flatmate talked about how some people have identity issues, and that my other friend's idea isn't really healthy. The flatmate broke down some of the convincing arguments of the other friend.

So glad to have others around me who can remind me of the godly perspective when I get confused.

Discerning is really hard these days, especially with the subtle messages sent in movies. This one church next to my home (it's basically like a mega church in size), had a "sermon series" where they watched key clips of a popular movie each week (one week Avatar, one week Eat-Pray-Love, etc.) and then the pastor would summarize the movie, play a key clip and then talk about which parts are true and which parts seem to be true, but are slightly off. And of course, he would use the bible to support his point. And then he'd play the next clip or summarize the next part of the movie,etc. At first I was a bit cautious about this kind of service/message, since it's not very conventional to show clips of movies and have a sermon on discerning the movie, but then after coming here, I realized that we really need that. It's the little distortions that are the most harmful. Things that sound like it's Christian philosophy but is just a bit off. Of course I understand that almost all the people I know would still vote for a Church that goes through the bible. I really feel that at this stage, Americans need the former also, and probably more so... you need to help them/us discern the truth, and then we will be hungry for more of the truth and go read the word ourselves or something.

Anyway the Church is Princeton Alliance Church. Here's the sermon series if you are curious. (The link is to the current series: God at the box office. If you access it later on, you'll have to find it in the archives). I only heard the Eat-Pray-Love one which I liked. My mom said she liked the Avatar one too. Neither of us have watched the movies lol, but now we don't need to since they summarize the whole movie in the sermon.

Supervisor

First "review" today; my supervisor checks up on us (Jared and I) each week; we show her what we did, ask questions, discuss, revise the assignment and add more tasks, etc.

I came out of the review totally blown away. Everything was so unexpected. My supervisor wasn't trying to give off the professionally-nice-but-scary aura, that I kind of felt before. She talked like my mom when my mom preaches to me about life; she tried to guess what we were thinking and then encouraged us with the way life is, or how she first started at the company, or what things will be like when we start our careers. She told us we can feel free to walk around and talk to the other employees and make friends; the company doesn't force employees to work continuously all day. And she said that she is talking to HR to pay us some "allowance money" (something we were not expecting). After addressing any possible potential frustrations we might have had (but didn't voice) and encouraging us, and telling us why+how our work really helps the company, etc, she ended the meeting, but then quickly remembered and asked "oh, and how is Shanghai? Are you enjoying it?" She looked at us when she asked the question too. It was amazing. She covered everything. It was like she just read How to Win Friends and Influence People or something (which by the way, is so good, a must read/common-sense-that-we-don't-realize book). EQ man.

Basically she motivated us with external reward (money), internal reward (how important our job is to the company), and connection/friendship (her friendliness and encouraging us to talk to other coworkers, etc.) I think it kind of worked too. But most of all I was just blown away by how professional and capable/no-nonsense-ish she could be, while at the same time being so genuinely friendly and caring.

This happens a lot to me. I just think about people and am totally blown away at how unique or amazing they are. Really. I can think about my mom (or my dad) and just be in total awe. and probably at least a handful of other people or more. And sometimes, I just think that everyone is so cute, as in their personality or the way they are. And it's so cool that they are so unique and that they tend to have X type of opinions or feelings. I wonder how God sees us, and what He thinks of us. Wouldn't it be amazing to know/experience?

Significance

It feels really good when people are interested in knowing you. I'm not talking about girl-guy relationships, but any kind of friendship or acquaintanceship or interaction. It feels good when people are interested in getting to know you, when they ask you questions, when they want to know you, and the way they ask, their eye contact, tone, what they ask, etc.

You can pretty much tell from your first interaction with someone, if they care at all. and then along the way of the friendship/acquaintanceship, their interest level might randomly increase due to a variety of reasons, or slowly decrease. Or remain constant. Or slowly decrease and then at some occurrence/knowledge, spike up. Or increase exponentially, then die off. Etc.

The things that spark people's interest are quite interesting and vary from crowd to crowd, person to person.

At work, my Chinese coworkers are interested in me because I'm American, and because I go to Cornell.

Among the interns, at the house parties, I notice when I'm ignored and what type of person tends to ignore me, and what type of person I can have a conversation with. And I notice what other people do, gesture-wise, tone-of-voice-wise, and what they say, to carry on a fun conversation/interaction with those who would ignore me. Sometimes I take mental notes.

What's my point? What do we want? We want to be important, significant, to be loved, to be valued. And sometimes we feel that certain things need to be improved or changed for us to gain more recognition/respect/love. Maybe we need to dress better, to smile more, to open doors for people, to be funny, to be deep, to act genuine, to have more facial expressions, to be proactive, to help people, to study harder, to be on time, to be clean, to sacrifice, to be more responsible, to be interesting, to be able to fix things, to be knowledgeable, to read more, to speak more languages, to be taller, to be more athletic, to have better family relations, to go to seminary, to have firm handshakes, to have better posture, to be fit, to hug people non-awkwardly, to be a better writer, to have experienced pain, to have gone to places, to have influential connections, to have talent, to have straight hair, to have a taller nose, to have a beautiful voice, to be a leader, to be nice, to not care, to watch sports, to play guitar, to have money to spend, to be easy-going, to say profound things, to touch people's shoulders when speaking, to have whiter teeth, to be healthy, to have fewer issues, to have a best friend, to be in control, to have goals, to not have goals, to be a natural, to talk faster, to talk slower, etc.

I remember in high school, the last day of school of my junior year, I was really bummed out when the person before me who finished his final was able to give the English teacher a hug, but when I finished my final, the teacher didn't get up from her desk to give me a hug. I even waited for a few seconds. From that final on, I made it my goal to hug the rest of my teachers after my final in their classes to make up for the epic fail. My friends gave me tips, saying that I needed to hold my arms out so they know I want a hug. It was pretty dumb now looking back. Yet I still haven't improved much in social ability.

So yes, I have been taking more mental notes lately. It can be good if I use it as a tool to relate to people better. It can be bad if I base my self-confidence on how greatly I improve in the areas I take mental notes on.

This is all kind of pointless. Yet we have to adjust a bit to meet people where they are, to better relate to people, to gain some trust, to get into the world. But never forgetting where our identity lies, that God is all we have and God is who we need. That He loves us and His desire is for us.

Let it be real.

Btw: I am in Shanghai. This site is blocked but someone is posting for me.

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I’m blogging because I think it’s okay and perhaps even good to blog when you are struggling.

I still love God. And God still loves me. God still loves me more.

You love me more than I am able to love You.

Imagine that. Someone who always loves you more than you are able to love back. Someone who waits for you. Patience is not the literal act of doing, but it is love. It is not sitting still, waiting for someone while being super fidgety and anxious on the inside, with eyes looking all about for something interesting to occupy the mind/time. Rather, it is waiting with longing eyes. With all affection and energy turned towards the person. He waits for me because He loves me, because He is patient and gentle with me.

God. I feel like Hosea’s wife. I can’t believe I can so quickly/readily go back to God even after sinning. As much as I feel ashamed and unworthy, I still know that God is all I have. And because I know He loves me and accepts me back, I no longer feel ashamed and unworthy, but humbled and brought to repentance by His kindness. I feel fear, because I know that I am clearly in the wrong. And that I deserve any punishment He decides to give me. Yet I was not the one punished.

We need to know and repeatedly know the reality of God’s Kingdom. Otherwise, we might impulsively trade our inheritance for a bowl of soup. God is worth it. God is worth it Jamie. God is worth it. but I can’t always see that. Or perhaps, even if I know that God is worth it, I don’t always act like I know that. I do not do what I want to do ~Romans 7

Sad

=/ I'm really sad. I know I'll see people again, but I'll never see them in such a casual context, like 2am in duffield, or wandering around in PJs, or lying asleep on my couch in a mound of blanket, or visiting my apartment, or standing by the doorway of someone's dorm room in casc late at night. There will never be another time when I'm walking somewhere on campus that I'll see someone on my way to class, and get to smile at them and look at them.

Most of all, I really just miss looking into people's eyes. I will really miss people's eyes. yea, I really love eyes. And I love being in people's presence.

Okay, yea, so I really don't know the point of this post. I guess I do have some encouraging things to say. Like, how I'm so glad that we all still desire to keep in touch with each other. I'm really encouraged by that. I am really just happy that there are people I love all over the country and world. And all of us are running towards the same goal. And so I guess we are all going towards the same thing, although in different places. And I'll just have to really let go of being able to look into people's eyes and seeing them on the way to class and seeing them in my apartment. And trust that God's got them, and that they will go on and meet new people and form new friendships, even while holding fast to the ones built here at Cornell. As one brother mentioned, there are no friendships like those in college, because you'll never be able to spend that amount of time with people in such close contexts again.

But the point of all this friendship stuff is to support each other and to keep running after Christ, keep spurring each other on. It's not really about staring into each other's eyes forever and hugging each other and just spending time together. But to take all of that support we do have and really go where God wants you to go. And if we really had our hope in Christ and believed in God and this hope, we would be excited for what God is going to do in our lives and in others' lives in the future. God is good. Let us focus on that. God is going to do great things in each of our summers and even after that. Do we believe it?

Now, at the end of my blog post, now that I have encouraged myself, I am no longer really sad. But I am excited to hear back reports from people of what God is doing in them, what they are learning, how much more they love God now, etc. Please don't stay stagnant. God is everything that we have. If we don't run after Him, what else in this life do we have?

and at the same time, if you are struggling to be passionate about God, let people know! Never give up sharing praises and struggles. This is the body of Christ. This is love.

Life is so weird

Okay, I understand that 4am posts sometimes are unwise, but I wasn't planning on saying anything specific. And I don't have much more time to blog before I will be in China, where blog sites are blocked and I won't be able to blog, although I'll still be able to read other people's blogs through google reader.

Life is weird.

It's amazing how we learn so much. Through experience. Through observation of experience. Through experience of observation.

Through God-- It's hard to remember that everything we have is a gift from God-- even our supposed ability to "come up" with stuff, even the way we think, how we perceive and notice the things of life. And all of these things--the way we think, perceive, notice, come up with stuff--can be corrupted, muddled, perverted, biased. And only God can purify these gifts He had originally intended for us to use in a way that builds up others.

And Life is weird because no matter how much you observe, or experience, no matter how much you think you got the pattern down, no matter how great of an accuracy you think you can predict the stock market, sometimes life takes you by surprise. Actually it always does. Periodically at least.

But we stubborn man. We think we got it down just because we have learned so much. We have grown so much. We have increased awarenesses of new things of life. And we wanna quickly bask in this wonderful change, instead of being so in awe of the One who made this change, or the One by whom all good change is possible, and remembering there is always more.

There is always more.

There is always more than enough.

Strong Rebuke

Galatians 2

"When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong"

..."When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter in front of them all, 'You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?..."

I always thought rebuke had to always be gentle and private. But apparently Paul and Jesus think differently!

I was reading this passage that a pastor wrote in a book, about what he does in his church:

(by the way, this is key! I have personally seen innerworkings of a church divide because of this)

"One Sunday about 20 years ago, back in our days in YWCA, I said something impromptu while receiving new members into the church that has stuck with us ever since. People were standing in a row across the front before me, and as I spoke, the Holy Spirit seemed to prompt me to add, “and now I charge you, as pastor of this church, that if you ever hear another member speak an unkind word of criticism or slander against anyone—myself, another pastor, an usher, a choir member or anyone else—you have the authority to stop that person in midsentence and say, ‘Excuse me—who hurt you? Who ignored you? Who slighted you? Was it Pastor Cymbala? Let’s go to his office right now. He will get on his knees and apologize to you, and then we’ll pray together, so God can restore peace to this body. But we will not let you talk critically about people who are not present to defend themselves.’

“New members, please understand that I am entirely serious about this. I want you to help resolve this kind of thing immediately. And meanwhile, know this: If you are ever the one doing the loose talking, we will confront you.” "

~Jim Cymbala, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire

So good.

Fear God.

My Parents Know Me

I got one of my prelims back today, and I did really badly (and I thought that prelim was my best prelim of the semester after I took it). And then it hit me that I'm not doing well in any of my core courses for my major. "Not doing well" is also probably an understatement.

I found myself writing an email to my mom warning her that this semester's gpa might be the lowest, and sort of explaining myself and stuff.

But then she replied with some stuff and was like "Anyway, just do your best !"

Obviously, she didn't consider it too big a deal.

And I thought to myself: well, that was dumb; why did I feel the need to explain myself to my parents. They know me. They know my habits, my tendencies, my heart. I don't need to prove myself to them, or prove that I have changed, that my work ethic has changed or that at least, even if I'm not trying my best, I know that I'm not and I feel bad about it. I don't need to prove my heart to them. I don't need to prove or explain my genuineness. I don't need to earn their respect and trust. For some reason, they already trust me. Or, they've 'let go' of me.

And it's kinda like that with God. God's not a control-freak, not micromanaging. I'm free to make mistakes. I have nothing to prove and no need to explain.

Thank you God!

Wow. I am so glad God saved me from a deep pit. The last couple of days I had felt a little strange... like I've lost my sense of direction in life or something. I felt kind of purposeless going through this finals week stuff. And I thought the reason was simply because the year is coming to a close and I tend to have those type of feelings at the end of the year.

But that wasn't the reason.

The reason was because I forgot God. I forgot Him in my conversations, I forgot His passionate jealous love for the people I had been talking about--and for the Church. I did not fear the Lord--I forgot about that too. If I feared the Lord, I would watch more carefully what I say about His beloved ones and how I say it and why I say it. Sometimes we claim to want to help people by talking about them, but how can we help them properly when we forget God's love for them? or when we are so caught up in what we think, that we forget God.

And so I've been reminded that when talking about other people, it's important to have the right heart about it--( to fear God), and to never talk about people without praying for them.--and I don't mean like you slap on a prayer later in the day so that you can be excused about talking about people, but truly having a heart to intercede for them in prayer, to see them change and to believe in change for them.

ugh. I really need more of God in my heart. I just want to talk about Him, how wonderful He is, all the things He has done, and be in awe of Him again.

Note for all of you and for my future self: I am writing this post as my sharing, and also as an encouragement to everyone who can relate and who finds this relevant and helpful for them. This is why I write posts.

Aching for Something Greater

This song makes me want to cry.

Not really just because I can connect with it, but also because I feel for others who can really connect with the song.

God

These are four testimonies from this year that God wants me to share:

Last semester, at the interfellowship prayer meeting in the plant science building, after the worship, I felt God telling me to tell a certain sister that He really loves her, is pleased with her and is proud of her. So I just went up to her and told her that I felt that God wanted to tell her this. Since it was such a common/general thing, I didn't think much of it (like I didn't think it would have any impact), except that I wanted to obey God. I actually had forgotten that I had told her that.

But last week, she came up to me and told me that what I said to her last semester really helped her to decide to go to a foreign country for missions this summer, because at the time she was really struggling to decide. I was like WOAH; that is so cool. God is so good.

Second testimony:

During the days of Easter Prayer tent, on Saturday, I had just come back to my apartment from a CBS junior class prayer meeting and I was standing in the living room talking to someone, when all of a sudden I felt this very strong urge to go to the Easter Prayer tent. However, I really didn't want to go because I really wanted to start doing my schoolwork (in order to not make it seem like I am lazy and mooching off of people--and I knew I needed to improve in this area) and also, I knew a couple sisters who were already going to go, and I didn't want to make it seem like I was just going because they were going. But I feared God, so I knew I had to go, because this sudden urge was so strong that it could only be from God. So, I was actually in mid-conversation with this sister in the living room, when all of a sudden I let out this big sigh/groan "UGH" and was like "Sorry, I have to go", and I rushed out the door and walked quickly. When I got to the law school building, I saw someone who I had not seen or talked to for a year. I began to talk to her and we had a lengthy/awesome conversation. After talking, we walked together back to my apartment building. A couple weeks, later I felt led to email her to ask her how she was doing since we last talked. This led into more sharing and accountability between the both of us, and in the last email, she wrote that she was thankful to have met me in front of the law school building because she had been praying about talking to someone, and that it really amazes her how good God is. After she wrote that in the email, I remembered how God led me there in the first place.

Often, God does not tell me exactly why I need to go somewhere, but He tells me to go. And usually, even though I think I'm going to location A, I am really supposed to go to location C, and God leads me to location C as I am walking to location A.

#3

One day after meeting with someone in the physical science building, I began to walk home. Shortly after I started walking home, I felt God tell me to go to the Cornell store. I wasn't sure if it was just me or if it was God, because sometimes I feel an urge to do random spontaneous things. But I figured that it couldn't hurt to go. So I went, thinking that maybe I need to buy some earphones. I looked through the earphones, but they were kind of expensive and I already had earphones. So then I went downstairs, and there I saw a friend that I hadn't seen for almost a year, and it was really cool that I got to talk to her for a long while. This is not just any friend, but there is a particular reason why I knew that this was from God. For privacy sake, I will not share in more detail about this friend.

Four.

I went to six flags a couple weekends ago. We wanted to come back to Ithaca saturday night/sunday morning. Our plan was to get on the 8:30pm bus from six flags to Port Authority, NY, and then get on the 11pm shortline bus from NY to Ithaca, arriving in Ithaca at 4am. However, the 8:30pm bus from six flags was full, so we had to get on the 9pm bus. We got to NY at 10:40pm and had 20 minutes in this huge multi-floor building to find out where to buy shortline tickets and get on our bus. The escalators were closed off, so we had to use the elevator, which means we had to wait for the elevator. Then it took us forever running around to find out where to purchase tickets. Random parts of the building were closed off with yellow tape, which confused us even more. There were 3 of us from Cornell who had to get on this bus. I and another brother ended up running off to find the ticket booth without the third sister, because she was too slow. We finally found the booth, around the corner in this deserted area that was almost all closed off from yellow tape (not sure how we managed to find this ticket-selling booth), and bought 3 tickets. Then we ran back to find the third sister; I tried calling her, but she didn't pick up. I called someone else who I thought would be with her, but he didn't pick up either. But thankfully we found her on the way and gave her her ticket and told her to run with us. We ran down escalators, through hallways, to the fourth floor, where there were rows and rows of people in different lines waiting for buses. There were no signs anywhere that told us which line was for the ithaca bus, and we had 5 minutes to figure it out before the bus was going to leave. We asked people if they were on the line for shortline buses, and they said "no, these are NJ transit buses; shortline is probably in another building". We were like.... what other building? How do we get there? There was no time. The other sister suggested we just go outside where the rows of buses were, so we ran outside. Rows and rows of buses were lined up. We ran through the lot. I was running ahead of them and chose a bus and started running towards it, the other two followed. I asked the driver what bus this was, and it happened to be the exact bus we were looking for. All three of us got on the bus, and right after we got on--maybe a minute after--the bus left for ithaca. It was just amazing--how we got the tickets, how we picked the right bus to run towards, how we decided to go outside and not listen to the people who were telling us to go to another building. All of this happened so fast; there was no time for decision-making; everything was by impulse and running.

Several days later I talked to the brother and he said that when we were running towards the bus, he knew it was the right bus, and he said that the other sister also told him that she knew too, that it was the right bus. I was like WOAH; that's so cool. God is amazing. I love it when God leads people like that. And so we got back at 4am; if we had missed that bus, we would have had to wait until morning for the next bus.

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I want to know God and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so to somehow attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me ~Philippians 3