Promise

We pursue things that promise us what we want. But what if the promise was wrong? What if it was a myth? What if they promised us more than reality?

Career-wise, I've come to some conclusions:

1. I will never know if I am interested in something. Because what I'm interested in is largely determined by 1. who I'm working with and how much interaction is involved, 2. how good I am at it, 3. how rewarding it feels.

2. No matter how qualified I am, I can never guarantee myself a job. It's all about connections, economy, chance. "time and chance happen to them all"~eccl. Work hard, pray hard.

3. No career-related promise is guaranteed. "Just do computer science"; or whatever other career/field ... doctor, psychologist, actuary, finance, PhD, missionary, pastor, etc. Many career fields seem to promise certain things, but you never know. And even if they do promise the things you expected, there are sometimes surprise* tradeoffs that reverse/negate the reward. Be informed, but don't trust in career promises.

4. Don't go for the respect. If you want to go for the money, fine. It's a daily necessity, and you can give the excess back to God. But don't go for the respect. It's all imagined. Everyone respects different things. In the end, no one cares. Your personality, dress, how you take care of your family probably factors way more in "respect" by the time you are 35. And if you're Christian, watch out for spiritual politics. Don't go for the respect.

5. Don't be bitter, satirical, cynical, or "realistic". Don't be cynical in the name of being "realistic". Don't rob yourself of joy. Life is not about the promises the world can offer, but all the eternal promises that God guarantees. This doesn't mean: ignore the world and only ever be concerned with spiritual things. Be responsible, work hard, but have great joy that comes from God.

I'm preaching to myself today. Especially #5. I think my cynical attitude comes from thinking I know it all; I know the way life works, and the "reality". But really, I just lack faith in God, and belief in prayer. My mom told me that. She said it's all in my head, this spiritual stuff. I can talk the talk, but I'm not walking the walk. Then she told me all the answered prayer she had recently. I think I just stared at her as she encouraged me for 3 hours. I was like wow, since when did my mom see the importance of a "daily" connection with God? and wow, she worked till 3am on a big company problem/mistake, and then wouldn't let herself sleep, but prayed till 6am for the problem? And wow, God actually listened to her specific prayers about which company to increase orders from? She just picked a random company and prayed for that company! Wow, God tells her things, and it's not like my mom goes around boasting or showing off that God tells her things, because it's not about knowing "things" about people/future, or getting God to tell you things or answer you prayer, but it's about knowing God. When John the Disciple leaned against Jesus and asked "Lord, who is it?", and when Elisha asked for a double portion of anointing, it wasn't about knowing secrets, or having more power, it was still about God. And God getting the glory. It's okay to ask for stuff, and ask to know stuff. God loves us.

Legacy

It's really so much easier for kids to do what their parents do, career-wise. They've already got the connections. AND parents can hand down their experience to you/ tell you what to do /not to do / teach you what they know.

It really makes a difference. Legacy. For example

My dad is a programmer. The past several days he's been teaching me java and some basic computer architecture / database knowledge.

My parents know a bunch of people from work/ Church. And basically a lot of my career-related connections come from them.

My mom had a period of time when she was super hungry for God and read tons of Christian books and went to all these conferences and asked people questions about God. Even now, occasionally she will pray for hours. That has left me a great spiritual legacy. Just knowing there was that period in her life where she was that hungry.

In the same way, everything that we do and learn and experience leaves a legacy for our kids and the people we influence.

I was thinking today while worshiping / playing piano, that I'm actually leaving a legacy for my brother. My friend said that her youngest sister (of 3) is the best at piano because she grew up hearing/watching her two older sisters play. In the same way, my brother sees what I spend my time doing, and he registers that as the normal thing to do. Maybe normal is not the right word.

Every family has strange habits. I've heard of families that don't close the door when going to the bathroom (when there are no guests of course). Every family has a particular way of spending money. They do different things on weekends / holidays. They have different conversations when they're together. They do dinner differently.

Be thankful for the legacy you have received. If not from your parents, then spiritual parents, or others.

And that reminds me. Someone who has left me a fairly big legacy. Someone who I would consider almost like an older sister, being 4 years older and having also gone to Cornell. You have left me a legacy. It's okay that you make mistakes, because I learn from your mistakes. Because you share your life with me.

And it is God who has blessed me with these people and this legacy. When you are given much, you must steward what you've been given well, for much more will be expected of you. God, your Father, is proud of you.

Hope: what gets you excited

Hope is sometimes this abstract foreign term.

when we ask; What or whom do you place your hope in?, people sometimes have difficulty answering that question because they are unable to get a sense of what that question is really asking, or they think very abstractly of this far away time period, and answer "God". because they think about after they die, what will happen.

But what about the day-t0-day stuff. What would elate your spirits? Knowing that you aced a test, or that you have an exciting event to look forward to tomorrow? And what would depress your spirits?

Yesterday, I made the mistake of messing up my fragile motivated self by reading discussion forums about a certain career option. After reading those, I knew I had very little chance. If they have those qualifications and they don't have an offer, then I don't have a chance. And my plan B isn't really realistic either. for many reasons. The more I think about it, the more depressing it becomes, and therefore I stop thinking about it.

But the thing is: I used to get excited when I see people loving God more, or things like that. And in 9th grade, I cried out of happiness when I got an email from my spiritual mentor, saying she was willing to mentor me; I was excited about my future spiritual growth because of the accountability.

Life is lame if all we get excited about is passing tests, getting jobs, making delicious food, solving difficult problems, starting cool projects, planning an exciting hangout or vacation, etc. What about getting excited about the time you will spend with God? Or about your spiritual growth? Or about someone else's spiritual growth? Getting more excited about spiritual things than you would for worldly things.

And at the same time getting more "distressed"/concerned when someone you know is stuck in sin, or is lukewarm, or is straying from God. Do you love God enough to hate sin? And mourn and pray for people you know who claim to love God, but are in sin?

I am preaching to myself now, as the person who is not mourning/grieving, nor getting very excited about spiritual things. And as the person who needs to be grieved for and prayed for.

Here I am Again

Square one.

Honestly, before this semester/summer, I never really understood the concept of "loving the world", and why it was so hard to just... not love world. I've never been super materialistic or appearance-oriented, which is what I associated with "loving the world". I was also not really success-oriented; my goal was not to be rich and famous or anything. But now I realize that being worldly is much deeper than that. And it means something different for everyone, because everyone is tempted by different values of the world.

Friday, someone in my discussion group said he really wanted to just put God aside for 20 years, spend his time networking or doing things that would really advance him in life, and then after he's settled down and got everything together, he would go back to God. A brother replied honestly, saying: "You know, I think most of us think that; we just don't vocalize it. But here's the question: how do you know you can go back to God?". Another brother told a true story of someone who actually thought that and did that and then died without ever being able to get back to God. And then he said: "Even though it seems like other things are more important/worthwhile, I would argue that God is the most important".

Last semester, I would have been so confused at this conversation. Like, 'do Christians actually think that and not verbalize that? If you think that at all, you must not know God. Because if you know God, you will fall in love with Him and that thought would never cross your mind.' I would have been pretty disappointed that people aren't in love with God, or don't know Him as a friend.

But now I get it. And now I struggle with worldliness. Sometimes God is relevant in my heart; sometimes I forget that He is. A worldly mindset. where everything I do has to be efficient. It's all about one upping your status or competence or skills. Sure, I'll read the bible and still get something from my time with God. I'll pray. I'll think about God. But when I worship, it feels dry. I just don't feel like worshiping in my free time. You get to this peak point of efficiency where you just lose touch with your heart. Your life becomes about optimization and efficiency and feeling awesome from getting things done and having great interactions with people and giving great presentations and seemingly having everything going for you. But

The sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich man will fade away even while he goes about his own business ~James111

Worldliness. It catches up to you. and you don't even realize it. May the One who is able to move and soften my heart do so, that it would once again be softened, and stripped of all pride. That I may be pure and see God.

God's love makes up for it all

Love covers over a multitude of sins.

God's love.

God's love covers over a multitude of sins.

Not just that, but much more. God's love makes up for all of this. Whatever this is.

Imagine you're at a restaurant and you're waiting for your food. But you waited way too long. And it was the restaurant's fault. Finally the food comes, and before you take a bite, you think to yourself: This better taste amazing. The taste/quality better make up for all the time I had to wait.

Basically, situation B (in the future) better make up for situation A. It better.

As if you had a right to demand the situations that revolve around your life. As if you had a right to anything at all.

I had that thought today, and I've thought it many times without realizing it was wrong.

_____ better make up for all of this. Except it wasn't as logical (or simple) as the restaurant example.

But I realized that God has already made up for all of this. God's love makes up for all of it. For everything. No one and nothing owes me anything, because God has paid it all for everyone.

God loves me more than this. Whatever this is. Whatever is before my eyes at that moment. That thing that blocks my line of vision from seeing farther.

It's so, so difficult to really know that God loves us. And to really believe so.

But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something...It is so so cumbersome to believe anything ~ from Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller

What is the cost of believing that God loves me? I would have to let go of many many things, both abstract stuff like certain thoughts/feelings, and tangible stuff (people, how I spend my time now, how i imagine my life for the next 50 years). If I truly believed that someone loved me the way God loves me, and if I truly got that, then my entire world would change. What is it that hinders me from truly believing and knowing the extent of God's love for me? Maybe it's because I'm not at the end of my rope. Or because I haven't let go of the rope yet.