There must be more than this

I'm home, and I miss everyone at Cornell already. Scenes/memories of this year, of warmth run through my mind, and it baffles me how people can have so much love. I am truly overwhelmed. And my heart aches.

In middle school I was very bad at this. at moving on / saying goodbye /'dealing' with loving people and warm memories. And by very bad I mean crying for 1-2 years after someone special to me moved away. I wasn't good at this at all. Not that I'm any better now, but I guess God has taught me a lot since then. about pressing on toward the goal, looking ahead. And also that my heart/mind should be fixed on Him.

All this came to me as I stumbled across the song "Consuming Fire"

There must be more than this, O breath of God come breathe within
There must be more than this, Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray, Fill us anew we pray

The key phrase that resonated with me was "there must be more than this". In my mind, it meant: there must be more than this; there must be more to life than constantly seeking that warmth of friendship, and replaying those nice fuzzy memories, and longing to be entrenched in a community of love. There is more to life than harmonious loving relationships. All these are very good, and even Apostle Paul says that he thanks the Lord every time he thinks of his brothers. So I don't mean that we should forget people once they are not around us; that's not good. Paul constantly prayed for people in various places and wrote them encouraging letters when he couldn't be with them, and Paul said that he yearned to be with them. And we should do the same: continue to pray, love and encourage brothers and sisters who are not with us at the moment. Yet, at the same time, we should set our minds on things above, continue to press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward.

A pastor wrote: "But if we have no vision, we perish because we end up spending all of our energy either trying to find pleasure or working to stay out of pain"
and that's kind of how I feel about changes in life. When we have a vision, a goal, a direction in life, we won't spend our time constantly seeking pleasure or preoccupied with avoiding pain. Of course, having a direction in life doesn't mean knowing exactly what God has called you to, because we don't know. And I struggled so long with this and still do, because I long to know what it is that God has called me to do so that I can start running after it.
It.
'so that I can start running after it'.
There is something wrong with that statement. And I keep forgetting that it's not really about running after your calling in life, but running after God. And God will guide you to where He wants you to be and what He wants you to do. so this vision, this direction in life is God. And this leads me to share another song that has been on my heart: "One Pure and Holy Passion"

Give me one pure and Holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you

And that is the ambition, and that is the direction: to run after God. Not ministry or calling, but God.

And if you look at the big guys in the old testament: David, Moses, Joseph, etc. None of them had this grand plan of how they were going to do something awesome for God, but God chose them. And God put them where they needed to be and told them what to do. And all the glory went to God. A lot of times, I think that I need to come up with this awesome idea/plan of what I'm gonna do in the future, but then I forget that that's not what life is about.

What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger?

A popular quote: What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger
really?

But part of me is like: BUT WHAT IF I GET DESTROYED!?!

The closest bible verse is about suffering producing perseverance, character, hope
Romans 5:3-5 we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

so... I am ignoring the bible verse, because when I'm like "WHAT IF I GET DESTROYED?" I'm essentially saying: What if suffering DOESN'T produce character and hope? But it does. According to His word it does.
And it does because of His goodness and love and the Holy Spirit in us.

I'm not afraid of not making it to the other end of the tunnel. I'm more afraid of how I will turn out at the other end of the tunnel. Even if I don't get destroyed, even if I make it through the tunnel, I don't want to get damaged..

I feel like this quote, "What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger", ignores other aspects of being destroyed. What if something doesn't destroy you literally, but you come out of the tunnel angry, traumatized, bitter, tired, defeated ..? yes, you 'made it through'. but you are "destroyed" in a way.

and that is my fear.

But I forget that God is always with me. And I forget His goodness. Or more like I don't trust it. And I don't trust that if I do get hurt, that he will heal me and comfort me and renew me.

And my other fear is that at the end of all this, there isn't a reward that I have gained that I want that I don't already have. One way people deal with this fear of no (worthy) reward is that they know that God has called them to this path, and so their reward is obeying God and knowing He is pleased and doing it for Him.
But the problem is I don't know really know. At times I'm completely convicted that this is where I should be and what I should do. And at other times, I'm like: okay, I've gotten a lot out of this already and it's time to move on; this couldn't possibly be what God wants me to do.

Uncertainty. A lot of times when we ask God for direction, we ask motivated by our uncomfortable-ness with uncertainty. We seek God not to seek God but to seek direction.

I know my earthly parents. I know whether or not they would be okay with me doing this or that. I know how to explain my decisions using their reasoning. I know what pleases them. and I know they're proud of me even when I fail. Because I know they know this is not what life is about. Failure is good because you learn from it. And life is not about short-term "success".

And so, I feel like I need to know God, my Heavenly Father, more. So that the more I know God, perhaps the more I'd know about what pleases and honors Him. And thus make wiser, more Godly decisions.