Father, Papa, Dad,
Show me how to see so I can see with Your eyes
Show me how to love so I can love with Your heart
~lyrics by Nic Billman
One time when worshiping, the worship leader (Nic Billman) said that he had a cold and earlier that day he was like "God, thank you that you still love my worship, even though I have a cold--even though I don't sound good".
you know what God said to him? God whispered in his heart: "my favorite songs are those that the mute sing".
O Lord, you are close to the broken hearted and you bind up the wounds of those who are crushed in spirit (psalm 34:18). Our God is so loving.
I have a Dad who loves and who is Love. Love lives in me now and forevermore.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Family
Recently I have learned more about family. Jesus said "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers? Here are my mother and brothers." When I used to read that, I'd think that it was pretty and poetic. Only recently have I begun to realize what this whole family thing means. If someone asked me "Where's your brother?" and if I actually replied with a very sincere heart "here are my brothers; these are my brothers". If I actually looked that person in the eye and with a genuine heart gave the reply that Jesus gave, what would that mean? What we say comes from our heart, so I've been thinking about what it would mean for me if I replied in the way Jesus did.
Over Spring Break, I was listening to Leif, this missionary speak. He was talking about family, and he said that one time when he was down, he called Randy--who is this other ministry/pastor guy. Randy encouraged Leif and then said to Leif: "No matter how late in the night it is, you can call me. If the enemy is gonna take one of us down, he's gonna have to take all of us down".
Hearing that from these super busy-packed-schedule missionary/ministry people really touched me. I really felt like all those people at the conference that I didn't know were my brothers and sisters.
Before I went to the retreat, I had met up with a good friend, and as we talked about our struggles that semester, I mentioned how this one time I had to call my mom at 1am because I was feeling very very down. She looked at me and she said "you can call me too". And when I heard that, I was like "really?" I didn't say that, but in my mind I thought: wow, I never had a friend like that. I thought only family could do that---but hey, we are all family. Jesus said to carry each other's burdens and to build each other up in Christ.
So anyway, after that I went to the conference and learned more about family. (yea, this post is in reverse chronological order: the first paragraph is stuff I thought about after the conference actually. ) yep. We have a wonderful Papa--a wonderful Daddy. and I am His daughter. :) yay
Over Spring Break, I was listening to Leif, this missionary speak. He was talking about family, and he said that one time when he was down, he called Randy--who is this other ministry/pastor guy. Randy encouraged Leif and then said to Leif: "No matter how late in the night it is, you can call me. If the enemy is gonna take one of us down, he's gonna have to take all of us down".
Hearing that from these super busy-packed-schedule missionary/ministry people really touched me. I really felt like all those people at the conference that I didn't know were my brothers and sisters.
Before I went to the retreat, I had met up with a good friend, and as we talked about our struggles that semester, I mentioned how this one time I had to call my mom at 1am because I was feeling very very down. She looked at me and she said "you can call me too". And when I heard that, I was like "really?" I didn't say that, but in my mind I thought: wow, I never had a friend like that. I thought only family could do that---but hey, we are all family. Jesus said to carry each other's burdens and to build each other up in Christ.
So anyway, after that I went to the conference and learned more about family. (yea, this post is in reverse chronological order: the first paragraph is stuff I thought about after the conference actually. ) yep. We have a wonderful Papa--a wonderful Daddy. and I am His daughter. :) yay
Thursday, March 19, 2009
God is for us, not against us
I finally let God back into all of my heart.
I have been like a little kid who wants to hold onto candy, afraid that God will take it away--or worse, that God will take away my desire for candy. I guess I realized, with the help of people, that letting God into all areas of my life doesn't mean that He will take everything away. That's not why He wants a relationship with us. A father doesn't grab candy from a kid's hands and say harshly "no candy, ever! only daddy!" lol. In fact, sometimes the desires we have are from God. If it's not, He will gently change them--I guess that's what I was afraid of. I wanted to keep my desires and thus keep God far away from them, lest He change my desires. lol... that's the little blind kid in me. Sometimes it takes some clarification and changing of mindsets and changing of perceptions about God to let God in. And that's what happened today. Thank God for spiritual mothers and fathers. :) Of course, I have still a lot to learn about God. Now I just have to trust Him--that He wants the best for me, and that He knows what's best, and most of all, that He knows.
I have been like a little kid who wants to hold onto candy, afraid that God will take it away--or worse, that God will take away my desire for candy. I guess I realized, with the help of people, that letting God into all areas of my life doesn't mean that He will take everything away. That's not why He wants a relationship with us. A father doesn't grab candy from a kid's hands and say harshly "no candy, ever! only daddy!" lol. In fact, sometimes the desires we have are from God. If it's not, He will gently change them--I guess that's what I was afraid of. I wanted to keep my desires and thus keep God far away from them, lest He change my desires. lol... that's the little blind kid in me. Sometimes it takes some clarification and changing of mindsets and changing of perceptions about God to let God in. And that's what happened today. Thank God for spiritual mothers and fathers. :) Of course, I have still a lot to learn about God. Now I just have to trust Him--that He wants the best for me, and that He knows what's best, and most of all, that He knows.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Reflecting over the first half
Now that it's spring break, I thought I'd reflect over the first half of my 2nd semester.
Second semester was definitely a lot different from first semester. First semester I experienced a lot and I grew a lot spiritually. For the most part, life was joyful and my mind was turned towards God. When asked, "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the time you have here?", I would answer that I wanted to grow exponentially in God--that I wanted to get to a point where God became more real to me than any person, so that I would turn to God instead of always turning to other people for things that only God can complete.. etc. ...
So, basically, when people asked me about what my plans were for my time at Cornell, all I could think about was my future with God. Everything I answered had to do with God. I only realized later that the question had not specifically referred to God. It's just that when I thought about my time at Cornell, I automatically thought about my relationship with God.
What about this semester? If someone asked me "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the 3.25 years you have here?" , I don't think I would automatically think about spiritual things that I wanted to do. I don't think I would have the same answer as I did first semester. This is kind of scary now that I think about it. This is what I would answer:
'I want to figure out my major. I want to do better than I ever thought I could do, academically. I want to do undergraduate research some time before I graduate. I want to read more--I want to become knowledgeable. I want to figure myself out. I want to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to figure out what kind of life I want, what kind of person I want to be. and I want to be that person that I would like to be.'
Notice, how everything I would answer is all about me--about how I want to improve myself... in everything except spiritual matters. How sad! How sad it is to live for yourself. Why don't Iknow that I am a vapor that appears for a little while and then disappears? What is my life? (James 4:14).
Actually, re-reading what I wrote about what I would answer makes me tired. If I really tried to do that for 3.25 years, I would burn out. Even just having that kind of mindset for half of this semester traumatized me. yes, I am traumatized. And I also realized that I am tired; I had probably been denying my tiredness while in school, because I can't "afford" to be tired (emotionally or physically or mentally) in school. ... because being tired takes up time, just as being depressed wastes time.
I think that in my heart I am still holding onto those things that I mentioned. Why?
Cry in My Heart by Starfield:
There's a yearning again.
A thirst for discipline.
A hunger for things that are deeper
God knows why. God knows everything about me. He was and is and forever will be. I am a vapor that changes week to week, semester to semester, but God is always the same. Cornell could disappear tomorrow, but God will never disappear. Although my heart is not where it should be, although I am still having trouble surrendering all of my heart to God right now, I know that God has not given up on me. O Lord, help me. Save me from myself, for you are good O Lord, and your mercies are endless. I can say I love you Lord, but I also know that no one can serve two masters. Lord, draw me to you again. I don't want that which I hold onto, yet it's hard to let go. Thank you Lord, for being patient with me.
~sorry if this post was not very encouraging. I am in the middle of a lesson.
Second semester was definitely a lot different from first semester. First semester I experienced a lot and I grew a lot spiritually. For the most part, life was joyful and my mind was turned towards God. When asked, "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the time you have here?", I would answer that I wanted to grow exponentially in God--that I wanted to get to a point where God became more real to me than any person, so that I would turn to God instead of always turning to other people for things that only God can complete.. etc. ...
So, basically, when people asked me about what my plans were for my time at Cornell, all I could think about was my future with God. Everything I answered had to do with God. I only realized later that the question had not specifically referred to God. It's just that when I thought about my time at Cornell, I automatically thought about my relationship with God.
What about this semester? If someone asked me "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the 3.25 years you have here?" , I don't think I would automatically think about spiritual things that I wanted to do. I don't think I would have the same answer as I did first semester. This is kind of scary now that I think about it. This is what I would answer:
'I want to figure out my major. I want to do better than I ever thought I could do, academically. I want to do undergraduate research some time before I graduate. I want to read more--I want to become knowledgeable. I want to figure myself out. I want to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to figure out what kind of life I want, what kind of person I want to be. and I want to be that person that I would like to be.'
Notice, how everything I would answer is all about me--about how I want to improve myself... in everything except spiritual matters. How sad! How sad it is to live for yourself. Why don't Iknow that I am a vapor that appears for a little while and then disappears? What is my life? (James 4:14).
Actually, re-reading what I wrote about what I would answer makes me tired. If I really tried to do that for 3.25 years, I would burn out. Even just having that kind of mindset for half of this semester traumatized me. yes, I am traumatized. And I also realized that I am tired; I had probably been denying my tiredness while in school, because I can't "afford" to be tired (emotionally or physically or mentally) in school. ... because being tired takes up time, just as being depressed wastes time.
I think that in my heart I am still holding onto those things that I mentioned. Why?
Cry in My Heart by Starfield:
There's a yearning again.
A thirst for discipline.
A hunger for things that are deeper
God knows why. God knows everything about me. He was and is and forever will be. I am a vapor that changes week to week, semester to semester, but God is always the same. Cornell could disappear tomorrow, but God will never disappear. Although my heart is not where it should be, although I am still having trouble surrendering all of my heart to God right now, I know that God has not given up on me. O Lord, help me. Save me from myself, for you are good O Lord, and your mercies are endless. I can say I love you Lord, but I also know that no one can serve two masters. Lord, draw me to you again. I don't want that which I hold onto, yet it's hard to let go. Thank you Lord, for being patient with me.
~sorry if this post was not very encouraging. I am in the middle of a lesson.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
What is "realistic"?
In my writing seminar, we were reading creation myths. There was one where there were two "gods"--one left-handed, and one right-handed. The right-handed one killed the left-handed one and threw his body parts in random places. And those parts became things like the ocean or land or whatever. We discussed the differences between this creation story and Genesis. Someone mentioned that this one was more violent and the Genesis one seemed more peaceful and perfect--like the garden was perfect and everything at first was perfect. The teacher nodded and said "yep, so this story is more realistic."
That response got me thinking... What is our definition of "realistic"? She said "more realistic" in such a tone that it sounded like the more "realistic" story was better-- as if the more "realistic" something is, the more believable it is (which would be true if her definition of "realistic" was correct). The word "realistic" comes from the word "real". So, what is real? Heaven is real; God is real; eternal life is real; love is real.
We are so used to evil and bad stuff that we call it "realistic" --because yes, that is the real situation of this world. And yet, it seems like everyone's definition of 'realistic' is different. One person's "realistic" could be another person's "pessimistic". Maybe I'm nt making sense.
My point is... that I think people need to know what is real. Jesus prayed: "Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven". In relation to this post, that is a prayer for what is real in heaven to equal what is real on earth.
Let us not have a pessimistic definition of "realistic", but to know the hope we have in Christ and to believe for God's Kingdom to come, his will, which is done in heaven, to be done on earth.
Actually, I do admit this is really difficult in practice, but pretty easy to understand in theory...but I will at least say that it is not unrealistic to do this.
Are there sick people in heaven? are there blind people in heaven? Are there people who do not know Him in heaven? As it is in heaven, it should be on earth. Yes?
Let our minds be transformed by God :)
That response got me thinking... What is our definition of "realistic"? She said "more realistic" in such a tone that it sounded like the more "realistic" story was better-- as if the more "realistic" something is, the more believable it is (which would be true if her definition of "realistic" was correct). The word "realistic" comes from the word "real". So, what is real? Heaven is real; God is real; eternal life is real; love is real.
We are so used to evil and bad stuff that we call it "realistic" --because yes, that is the real situation of this world. And yet, it seems like everyone's definition of 'realistic' is different. One person's "realistic" could be another person's "pessimistic". Maybe I'm nt making sense.
My point is... that I think people need to know what is real. Jesus prayed: "Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven". In relation to this post, that is a prayer for what is real in heaven to equal what is real on earth.
Let us not have a pessimistic definition of "realistic", but to know the hope we have in Christ and to believe for God's Kingdom to come, his will, which is done in heaven, to be done on earth.
Actually, I do admit this is really difficult in practice, but pretty easy to understand in theory...but I will at least say that it is not unrealistic to do this.
Are there sick people in heaven? are there blind people in heaven? Are there people who do not know Him in heaven? As it is in heaven, it should be on earth. Yes?
Let our minds be transformed by God :)
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Start
I hope that this blog will be at once God-glorifying and honest.
For a while I wasn't sure what the purpose of a blog was. I'm sure there are some people out there with the same question.
My hope for this blog is not only encourage others through honestly sharing what I am going through and what God is teaching me, but also to encourage myself and remind myself about how great God is.
Today in bible study, a sister mentioned "preaching to yourself". I thought about it and I really like that idea--mainly because it works. We read Psalm 42.
Psalm 42:10-11
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God"?
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Basically, the psalmist writes about his current condition/situation in life and how he feels "downcast", but then afterwards, he tells himself to put his hope in God. So, the psalmist is, in a sense, "preaching to himself" or reminding himself of God's hope. And when we read the psalm, we are also encouraged. So, it's a two-way deal. :)
yep, so that's why I'm starting up this blog---to remind myself of how great God is, to encourage myself and to share this encouragement with others. If at any time you feel that my blog is not God-glorifying or encouraging, feel free to correct/remind me.
For a while I wasn't sure what the purpose of a blog was. I'm sure there are some people out there with the same question.
My hope for this blog is not only encourage others through honestly sharing what I am going through and what God is teaching me, but also to encourage myself and remind myself about how great God is.
Today in bible study, a sister mentioned "preaching to yourself". I thought about it and I really like that idea--mainly because it works. We read Psalm 42.
Psalm 42:10-11
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God"?
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Basically, the psalmist writes about his current condition/situation in life and how he feels "downcast", but then afterwards, he tells himself to put his hope in God. So, the psalmist is, in a sense, "preaching to himself" or reminding himself of God's hope. And when we read the psalm, we are also encouraged. So, it's a two-way deal. :)
yep, so that's why I'm starting up this blog---to remind myself of how great God is, to encourage myself and to share this encouragement with others. If at any time you feel that my blog is not God-glorifying or encouraging, feel free to correct/remind me.
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