Reflecting over the first half

Now that it's spring break, I thought I'd reflect over the first half of my 2nd semester.
Second semester was definitely a lot different from first semester. First semester I experienced a lot and I grew a lot spiritually. For the most part, life was joyful and my mind was turned towards God. When asked, "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the time you have here?", I would answer that I wanted to grow exponentially in God--that I wanted to get to a point where God became more real to me than any person, so that I would turn to God instead of always turning to other people for things that only God can complete.. etc. ...
So, basically, when people asked me about what my plans were for my time at Cornell, all I could think about was my future with God. Everything I answered had to do with God. I only realized later that the question had not specifically referred to God. It's just that when I thought about my time at Cornell, I automatically thought about my relationship with God.

What about this semester? If someone asked me "What do you hope to do at Cornell for the rest of the 3.25 years you have here?" , I don't think I would automatically think about spiritual things that I wanted to do. I don't think I would have the same answer as I did first semester. This is kind of scary now that I think about it. This is what I would answer:
'I want to figure out my major. I want to do better than I ever thought I could do, academically. I want to do undergraduate research some time before I graduate. I want to read more--I want to become knowledgeable. I want to figure myself out. I want to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to figure out what kind of life I want, what kind of person I want to be. and I want to be that person that I would like to be.'

Notice, how everything I would answer is all about me--about how I want to improve myself... in everything except spiritual matters. How sad! How sad it is to live for yourself. Why don't Iknow that I am a vapor that appears for a little while and then disappears? What is my life? (James 4:14).

Actually, re-reading what I wrote about what I would answer makes me tired. If I really tried to do that for 3.25 years, I would burn out. Even just having that kind of mindset for half of this semester traumatized me. yes, I am traumatized. And I also realized that I am tired; I had probably been denying my tiredness while in school, because I can't "afford" to be tired (emotionally or physically or mentally) in school. ... because being tired takes up time, just as being depressed wastes time.

I think that in my heart I am still holding onto those things that I mentioned. Why?

Cry in My Heart by Starfield:
There's a yearning again.
A thirst for discipline.
A hunger for things that are deeper

God knows why. God knows everything about me. He was and is and forever will be. I am a vapor that changes week to week, semester to semester, but God is always the same. Cornell could disappear tomorrow, but God will never disappear. Although my heart is not where it should be, although I am still having trouble surrendering all of my heart to God right now, I know that God has not given up on me. O Lord, help me. Save me from myself, for you are good O Lord, and your mercies are endless. I can say I love you Lord, but I also know that no one can serve two masters. Lord, draw me to you again. I don't want that which I hold onto, yet it's hard to let go. Thank you Lord, for being patient with me.

~sorry if this post was not very encouraging. I am in the middle of a lesson.