Today I was thinking: how can I explain my faith to someone? Do I even remember how I felt and all the things I went through?
On one hand, I have a terrible memory. On the other hand, I actually have a great memory for select things.
How can I trust my memory to remember all that God has done for me?
I often replay sweet scenes in my head of times with God, of things friends have said to me, of affection, because I'm intentionally growing my affection. so I won't forget. I shouldn't say it's always intentional. Maybe it's just natural; it's my nature.
Recently during worship, I'd remember all the times God was there for me. But as soon as worship is over, the mental visual of those scenes disappear and I forget. I tried writing / drawing the scenes afterwards but I just can't grasp the same essence and vividness that I can experience during worship.
I want to go back to those places in my mind to actively remember. Yet at the same time, God is here and alive today too. And I want a fresh touch so real that the past experiences pale in comparison, that sharing my past testimonies almost seem irrelevant to my current testimonies.
I've been thinking about my past testimonies -- things God did for me 6, 7, 9, 11 years ago. But honestly the memories are fading. I know what God did, but the stories are just words. I can't feel it. I don't get emotional when I tell the stories.
After the first several years of experiencing freedom from bondage, I wondered if I should continue to remember how terrible the bondage was, so that I could be grateful for what God has done for me.
When the Israelites have reached the promised land, they should remember how painful the years of being in the desert were. Right? I think so.
But at the same time, if you adopted an ex-slave, would you want your adopted child to keep those slave days so vivid in their memory, or would you want your child to just be happy and live freely and "forget" those days?
How do we remember just enough to be grateful and to tell our stories?
How can remembering help me grow my affection for God?
If I could draw, I would draw the scenes that I see. The scenes from throughout my life when God was there for me.
