Yesterday, while studying for psych of emotions, I started scribbling on the back cover of my psych notebook. And here is part of it:
"how do we know that...how we perceive, the way we reason is true or right or accurate? And we don't know, and we think we know, and this gets confusing.
Thanks to the billions of patterns of reasoning, the billions of underlying messages in movies, sermons, books and people['s words], we are confused...the billions of ideas...
It's ok if our ideas do not agree [with other people's], but it feels horrible to not have our own idea, or worse, to want to have some conviction about life and questions, but to really not know. And we can make up some "superior" logic that sounds good at the time, but deep inside we know that we really don't know. We know the mind is deceptive. We don't know what will happen today or tomorrow or the next hour.
All this is very humbling and perhaps painfully confusing. We don't even know if we should be thinking this much. And when I say "we", I mean "I".
Turn your ear to me.
Come quickly to my rescue
Be my rock of refuge
A strong fortress to save me
Since you are my rock and my fortress
For the sake of your name lead and guide me ~psalm 31 "
-----
I don't like being confused. I'm not confused about God/faith. It's more like confusion about what I'm supposed to be doing, and my motivations, and what are correct motivations, and how do we know what our motivations are anyway?, and if even our memories are flawed, how do we know anything, or ourselves?, and everyone thinks that their reasoning is "more right" than other people's, and how can we do anything if we don't trust the way we reason, and if we don't even know what logic is or if we are supposed to use logic, and maybe "logic" is just a word. I guess you can' t/shouldn't think like that. But maybe that's avoiding thinking, and maybe that's bad. But maybe it's not. Maybe pride or deception is why I come up with these thoughts. Or maybe it's my personality. But I guess it doesn't matter does it? God matters. All this confusing blah will pass away. Only Eternity matters.
This is the type of confusion I'm talking about. Not knowing why you're doing things or how this all is supposed to work. and other small things.
I need to start preaching the Word to myself in my mind, and stop just reasoning in circles, or thinking about useless things (and imagining conversations in my head). I need to press on and take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me (phil. 3)
You know when you exercise, and afterward it's hard for your mind to wander, and it's a lot easier to focus on one thing? I feel like that's what should happen when we really set our minds on things above, on His Kingdom, on His truth. And that's what I feel like happens when I memorize chunks of the bible and constantly remind myself of who God is. Because He is greater. His thoughts are higher (thank goodness), and His ways are higher.
Free me from the trap that is set before me
for you are my refuge
Into your hands I commit my spirit
redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth
~psalm 31
wow. I'm so glad that God is so awesome haha.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
He knows what He's doing
This sunday, a missionary came to speak. And his wife was giving her testimony too.
his wife is from Camden, NJ (consistently rated one of the most dangerous, if the not THE most dangerous city in the US). Her mom was a heroin addict and her dad was a drug dealer. Her brother followed the footsteps of his dad and was killed as a drug dealer. Her sister became addicted to heroin too. She, herself, went to church or some christian thing and accepted Christ when she was 15. She started dating a guy in her Church in high school. They are now married. He is some engineer. He recently gave up his $80,000/year salary to go to Chile to serve, and now they are going to some other latino country... And she was telling us that now her mom has accepted Christ and her sister accepted God too, and went to rehab and is now back in Camden doing ministry ... and I think her dad accepted Christ too. pretty cool eh? how God uses people and how He saves us
She was telling us how when she was serving in chile, she met a girl in an orphanage who told her how she got there. The girl said that her brother was molesting her, and she told her mom, who didn't believe her and told her to not talk about it again. She finally told her teacher, and ended up in the orphanage; her family has denied/rejected her now.
And that girl in the orphange accepted Christ after the missionary's wife (the Camden one) shared her testimony at the girls' orphanage. The missionary's Camden+family experience allowed her to relate to those girls in the orphanage, and because of her testimony, the girls trusted her and found hope in Christ.
It's amazing how God works.
And, so all things do work together for good, for those who love him. Romans 8:28
And we just can't see it yet. And we may never be able to see it. Until we leave.
Let us finish strong
his wife is from Camden, NJ (consistently rated one of the most dangerous, if the not THE most dangerous city in the US). Her mom was a heroin addict and her dad was a drug dealer. Her brother followed the footsteps of his dad and was killed as a drug dealer. Her sister became addicted to heroin too. She, herself, went to church or some christian thing and accepted Christ when she was 15. She started dating a guy in her Church in high school. They are now married. He is some engineer. He recently gave up his $80,000/year salary to go to Chile to serve, and now they are going to some other latino country... And she was telling us that now her mom has accepted Christ and her sister accepted God too, and went to rehab and is now back in Camden doing ministry ... and I think her dad accepted Christ too. pretty cool eh? how God uses people and how He saves us
She was telling us how when she was serving in chile, she met a girl in an orphanage who told her how she got there. The girl said that her brother was molesting her, and she told her mom, who didn't believe her and told her to not talk about it again. She finally told her teacher, and ended up in the orphanage; her family has denied/rejected her now.
And that girl in the orphange accepted Christ after the missionary's wife (the Camden one) shared her testimony at the girls' orphanage. The missionary's Camden+family experience allowed her to relate to those girls in the orphanage, and because of her testimony, the girls trusted her and found hope in Christ.
It's amazing how God works.
And, so all things do work together for good, for those who love him. Romans 8:28
And we just can't see it yet. And we may never be able to see it. Until we leave.
Let us finish strong
Friday, February 12, 2010
Pride, and Change
Pride creates distance.
I knew this from Genesis, but recently I have begun to really understand this and see how it is really true. It doesn't just literally/physically create distance, but also in your heart, there is more distance between you and other people/God.
And there is this one other character flaw/sin that I am seeing in myself that I don't want to name because I hate this one so much, and people rarely share about it. And I find myself lying to myself, or ignoring my subconscious thoughts/feelings whenever I begin to recognize this character-related sin and being like "no, I don't have this sin. That is not actually how I feel or think." And it's hard not to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm not that horrible of a person, that I'm okay. But it's also hard not to go to the other extreme and totally condemn myself and be like "I suck". And it's easy to cling to both extremes, going from one extreme to the other extreme, because neither of them allow for change to occur, and change is hard. And sometimes I don't want to change. I want to either shrink in a corner and wallow in my horrible-ness, or feel good about myself. Not repent and change. because that's hard.
But maybe, since we all have tons of flaws and sins, we're really supposed to just gaze toward heaven and look at Jesus and love Him. And maybe, naturally, we'll change from that. because He will change us. I guess we also have to allow Him to change us. and pride definitely blocks that. Change. I would like to change. I think. Well, nothing is a formula.
Phil 3
I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
I knew this from Genesis, but recently I have begun to really understand this and see how it is really true. It doesn't just literally/physically create distance, but also in your heart, there is more distance between you and other people/God.
And there is this one other character flaw/sin that I am seeing in myself that I don't want to name because I hate this one so much, and people rarely share about it. And I find myself lying to myself, or ignoring my subconscious thoughts/feelings whenever I begin to recognize this character-related sin and being like "no, I don't have this sin. That is not actually how I feel or think." And it's hard not to lie to myself and tell myself that I'm not that horrible of a person, that I'm okay. But it's also hard not to go to the other extreme and totally condemn myself and be like "I suck". And it's easy to cling to both extremes, going from one extreme to the other extreme, because neither of them allow for change to occur, and change is hard. And sometimes I don't want to change. I want to either shrink in a corner and wallow in my horrible-ness, or feel good about myself. Not repent and change. because that's hard.
But maybe, since we all have tons of flaws and sins, we're really supposed to just gaze toward heaven and look at Jesus and love Him. And maybe, naturally, we'll change from that. because He will change us. I guess we also have to allow Him to change us. and pride definitely blocks that. Change. I would like to change. I think. Well, nothing is a formula.
Phil 3
I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Approaching Life
My psych book says that "[certain groups of people] are more likely to cope with [certain things] by distraction". which basically means: not thinking about it and distracting yourself so you won't think about it. ("it" refers to [certain things] that people cope with)
I remember in high school when I read For Whom the Bells Toll, I would start to think just like the narrator--very directly, in a straight-forward, "just do it" way. People in the military are trained to obey commands like that--not think excessively, but just to trust the commander and not to hesitate or let yourself get in the way of what you have to do or be.
And that's how I've been approaching life in the past 2-3 weeks. And I realized (with the help of sisters) that eventually, I have to think about the bigger issues of life in a deeper way (not a simplified distracting way), and that I can't keep doing things and distracting myself. I have to face my problems, even if that means my life won't be stable, that I won't be consistent, that I may or may not be "okay". But I still sometimes take this approach to life, just because it's more efficient, and because I need to graduate from college.
We live to love God and love others and everything else that comes from those two things, but then, what are we doing in all other aspects of our lives? why do we do all these other things? I guess all other things that we do are motivated by our love for God, and just trusting Him that what we do is not futile and that there is hope.
Ecclesisates 1:18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.
If this verse is true, then Jesus suffered the most sorrow and grief while in this world, since He had all wisdom and all knowledge.
When you're a kid, toys make your world a better place; when you've grown, a big house, good job and lots of gadgets may not be able to distract you or shield you from all the pain and injustice in the world. But only the blood of Jesus, only His saving grace and overwhelming love can comfort you and give you the conviction that all will be okay, and that there is hope for all.
I remember in high school when I read For Whom the Bells Toll, I would start to think just like the narrator--very directly, in a straight-forward, "just do it" way. People in the military are trained to obey commands like that--not think excessively, but just to trust the commander and not to hesitate or let yourself get in the way of what you have to do or be.
And that's how I've been approaching life in the past 2-3 weeks. And I realized (with the help of sisters) that eventually, I have to think about the bigger issues of life in a deeper way (not a simplified distracting way), and that I can't keep doing things and distracting myself. I have to face my problems, even if that means my life won't be stable, that I won't be consistent, that I may or may not be "okay". But I still sometimes take this approach to life, just because it's more efficient, and because I need to graduate from college.
We live to love God and love others and everything else that comes from those two things, but then, what are we doing in all other aspects of our lives? why do we do all these other things? I guess all other things that we do are motivated by our love for God, and just trusting Him that what we do is not futile and that there is hope.
Ecclesisates 1:18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.
If this verse is true, then Jesus suffered the most sorrow and grief while in this world, since He had all wisdom and all knowledge.
When you're a kid, toys make your world a better place; when you've grown, a big house, good job and lots of gadgets may not be able to distract you or shield you from all the pain and injustice in the world. But only the blood of Jesus, only His saving grace and overwhelming love can comfort you and give you the conviction that all will be okay, and that there is hope for all.
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