I realized that I have a tendency to only want what I can have or achieve. Like, if I feel like I can't get it, I'll dismiss my desires and say I never wanted it, or that it's not that desirable. At first, I felt like it was a pride/character issue. That I can't lose, so if I'm going to lose, I'm not going to play/care. To some extent that is true. The other part is just being pessimistic and not having faith.
I also have a tendency to not want things or be cool with whatever. If what I want will cause conflict or get rejected, then I sometimes default to not wanting it. And it has created a pattern of not wanting things, or not knowing what I truly want, because what if what I truly want will cause conflict? What if what I want isn't "logical" so I can't explain it to people in a convincing way? So "I'm good with anything" becomes my default position.
The first part is related to not being able to have what I want. The second part is related to my wants being rejected by others. Both combined lead me to feel that I cannot want anything. And over time, I lose touch with what I really want.
This reflection is kind of hypothetical but my deepest gut feeling is that it's true. The reason it's hypothetical is because I don't have a lot of examples of things I really wanted deep inside but didn't know I wanted.
