Impatience

I have a lot on my heart that I would like to blog about. I almost feel like I should lay them all out and decide which one is more worthy of a post. I feel like that girl in office hours who stopped this guy from asking the TA questions. So the guy had called the TA over and was about to ask a question when the girl was like: "STOP. Don't waste questions!" Apparently she thought he was going to ask a stupid question. It was so funny. The TA laughed for several minutes. But it's true; we all think that--don't waste questions. Office hours are precious; you have to fight for the TA. Don't waste questions. If we're friends, and I already asked that question, don't ask the TA that question; I'll explain to you the answer to that question later. Ask another question.

In the same way, I don't want to waste words or say things that are meaningless. But of course in my opinion, all this is important. Anyway.

Impatience.

When I think of impatience, I think of someone who is waiting impatiently in line, or waiting impatiently in traffic, or waiting impatiently for his wife who is taking a long time to get ready. But today, I realized that impatience is more than just these images that I have in my mind.

I always imagined myself to be a patient person, because I think of myself as really chill in regard to daily life things. But, I am an impatient person. I realized today (yes, kind of late in life to realize this.)

The speaker today at the retreat was talking about how to differentiate the voice of the Holy Spirit from your own voice. He said that one of the key things about your own voice is that it is impatient and self-focused. The Spirit's voice is softer, and more persistent--so if you wait a while, He'll still be saying the same thing. Whether you're energized or tired, the Holy Spirit will not change what He is saying, even a week later. So, this is one way to discern whether things are coming from Him or yourself.

This really resonated with me. because I've been really impatient recently. During worship, it's hard for my mind to focus on God. I think about other things as a result of my impatience--because I want to figure things out NOW instead of thinking about them later. I want to do my planning now; I want to think about certain things now, even though there's no use in thinking about them. And I ask God what I should do, or which direction to take, but I ask out of impatience. I'm not asking like the disciple John asked Jesus who it is who would betray Him. I feel like John asked because he loved Jesus and knew that Jesus loved him and was secure in this, and so he felt like he could ask.

It's like asking a friend "who is it?" You probably ask out of love, and out of a confidence in your friendship, not out of impatience or for the sake of knowing. Whether or not you know will not affect the friendship.

In the same way, whether or not I know my future or which direction God wants me to take, or where God wants me to go, should not affect my friendship with God. I realized that I've been asking out of impatience to know. not out of friendship. I want to know for myself. I'm not asking God the way John the disciple asked God.

John 13:25

..leaning back on Jesus' breast, [John] said to Him, "Lord, who is it?" (NKJV)

Leaning back against Jesus, [John] asked Him "Lord, who is it?" (NIV)

I want to do that. Lean back against Jesus and ask Him things.

not really to ask Him things, but to lean back against Him.

There must be more than this (2)

This is my second blog entry entitled There must be more than this.

Because that is how I feel: there must be more than this. What's the point of constantly making the same mistakes, constantly seeking the same things, having the same tendencies, falling into the same traps? And every time God picks me up, I realize: there must be more than this. A friend asked: is life circular or linear? It is circular, but it can be more linear. God is drawing us to Himself. Maybe it can be like the wheel of a car, moving circularly, but still moving forward. And each time we re-enter into a similar cycle/phase of life, it is a little different.

Sometimes when I feel alone, I look for deeper conversations. I try to create them.

because it's satisfying. to me at least.

When you talk about something deeper than food and work and jokes, it's more satisfying. Sometimes you learn new things about other people, or about life. Sometimes you realize things about yourself you never knew. Most of the time, you just want to listen and be listened to. You want to feel connected. You want to be understood or valued. You want answers.

But. still.

There must be more than this. There must be more to life than deep conversations. I realized that deep conversations still feel empty when God is not in them. After a while of just talking about life and how complex it is, or relationships and how complicated they are, or about the Church and its weaknesses, it's like... okay. now what? Why did we just talk about that? What was the point? Nothing has meaning in itself. But God gives meaning.

If God is in the conversation and you invite Him to direct the conversation, and you desire to please Him, then all your conversations will be meaningful, and come from a godly perspective. Even the simplest conversations. Your reason for those conversations will be completely different, God-centered. Instead of simply just talking and trying to obtain satisfaction, or just complaining or just feeding off each others' opinions or bitterness or judgments, you are speaking another language, talking and walking for a greater purpose. You are encouraging and growing closer to God. You are imparting Love and Truth. Just as God's Word is powerful, our words are powerful. Our life is impactful. Like prayer.

I miss talking about God, about how wonderful He is, about how He knows everything, how He works in everything. Even when things are really complicated. I miss the times when I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life, everything I see reminds me of what He is doing in my life.

Yet I do agree that at times, it is difficult to focus on God, on His Kingdom and eternal things. Especially when things occur, problems arise, stuff preoccupies your mind, distracting you from class, from focusing, from everything, from life itself. And you're like: what the heck? If God is my rock, why is this happening? Is God not my rock? Have I been deceiving myself? Why am I feeling this way? But God is gracious and compassionate. He graciously reveals to us our weaknesses, and strengthens us. Because He loves us.

"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused." (Hosea 11)

Lord, I know I am yours. And you will not give me up. I am yours forever, and I am not afraid.

Short post preceding a busy week

I am pretty "scared" for a couple of my prelims this week, or maybe just one. As in, mentally scared, not emotionally scared... actually it's hard for me to get scared over these things. Anyway, I'm logically scared. Or, I should be scared. Or rather, if I was not me, I would be scared. Basically, I have a very good reason to be scared, but it's not hitting me. I'm not sure if it ever will.

Anyway, something I shared with someone recently is that I've been learning to love and desire learning. And that the mindset I have now is that I'd rather do poorly on a prelim by making stupid out-of-my-control mistakes but understand everything decently well, than do well on my prelim out of luck but not understand very much. Basically, I'd rather understand and learn than do well. There is a correlation between the two, but the mindset makes a difference in how you approach homework and studying. Are you studying to get a good grade, or studying to learn? Are you doing homework to finish the homework so you can check it off of your to-do list and move on to do the next thing, or are you using the homework as a tool to help you learn the material?

Yet at the same time, outside of this new learning mindset I'm trying to get used to, I have to consider all of this meaningless compared to eternal things. I have to be ready to, at any given moment, give up everything that I am working for, everything that I have worked for, everything that I have been given, everything that I like and am comfortable with, to follow Jesus. And in imagining this, it helps me when I'm specific about the things I'm giving up. I often just imagine transferring out of Cornell, and if I would be okay with that. It's hard, but it reminds me that my heart needs to be so attached to God that I would give up everything to go where He wants me to go. And concerning eternal things, I should be eagerly giving up everything to pursue them. Like the man who sold everything to buy that field where the treasure was.

I have everything because I have God. What more can I lose?

and yet, it's hard isn't it? We still do think about it as "giving up everything". But it should be called "giving up nothing", since that "everything" is like "nothing".

It's hard to think about these things. It's uncomfortable to think about these things. It's easier to not think about it. But it's also dangerous (for me at least) to not think about it. Because when I finally do come around to thinking about it, I will already have invested my heart in worldly things and I will be in despair when I realize how all that I had invested in and valued was meaningless. But my hope now, is that I continue to realize the temporal nature of the things I am doing, even while I strive to do them well to glorify and please God.