Love is Blind

The phrase 'love is blind' was coined by Shakespeare in Merchant of Venice

But love is blind and lovers cannot see

I was reading Genesis 3 just now and read the part when Adam and Eve's eyes were opened and they saw that they were naked and were scared because of their nakedness and hid. And God is like "who told you you were naked?"

Love is blind. After they ate, their eyes were opened. Before they sinned, they were "blind" to how they were naked; they loved God; they were consumed by His presence.

When someone is in love, or in love with God, you can tell. because they're blind, consumed. Every part of their life is affected.

Separation of Ministry and Personal Life?

When people ask me how my semester went, I think of my semester in terms of two different aspects: the Christian movement aspect, and my own personal struggles.

If I start talking about the Christian movement aspect and all the things God has been doing on this campus, and what God has been leading me to do this semester, etc., it'll be a great conversation.

As for my own personal struggles, most of the time I don't feel them, so I ignore the fact that they might exist. But when they do bubble up, I can't ignore them.

So I wonder how separated ministry and personal life should be, if at all? And what separation even means? In my mind, they are separated because I can't think about them together. I feel encouraged when I think about the Christian movement, but not so much when I think about my personal issues/struggles, which is why I try not to think too much about my personal struggles since I feel that they aren't that God-glorifying.

But today I thought about great pastors who are great at preaching, great at ministry, always fired up about God and encouraging other brothers/sisters, but terrible at being a father or husband, and not great at home.

I'm beginning to see that it's possible and easy to separate ministry and personal life, and to put God in the ministry part, but not the personal life part. It's easy to encourage yourself by thinking about the ministry part and ignoring personal faults/weaknesses/tendencies/struggles/daily life practical character issues. It's kinda scary how easy it is.

It's important to allow God to move in both parts of your life, and to mesh the two together. Your home is also your ministry. Your family is your ministry. Your closest friends are your ministry. What I mean is you never stop loving and showing grace to those around you, and letting God's light shine through you, and letting the Spirit move through you and in you. We don't remind ourselves to do these things. It's supposed to be natural. We're supposed to be transformed by God--our whole being. Not just when we're outside of our homes. Let us seek and pursue Him who changes us, who disciplines us, who reveals our weaknesses to us. If our "family"/inner lives are struggling, it's a wakeup call to be honest with God about our personal walks with Him. Do we really know Him? Do we really love Him? Are we in love with Him, consumed by Him?

Love is Powerful

Aren’t you glad that our God is powerful? That the One we love is also able to save us? That He is worthy of our praise? I was thinking about what this means—that God is powerful, not some artificial teddy bear.

I thought about how, sometimes, I look at someone’s needs and I know I don’t have the time or ability to help them. And I realize that I myself do not have the power to help them, but God does.

Sometimes I’m in that situation too. Especially the times last year when I couldn’t do my CS or ECE project, and I knew there was no one who could help me. My code was beyond repair, my knowledge deficit beyond help. People could comfort me and tell me that it’s okay; they could give me tips, or explain the directions. People could love me the best they could, but they had no power to change my situation.

The power to change situations is important; we are a needy and desperate people. We need God; God gives life.

What does it mean to need God, to be desperate in our need?... I remember my desperation last year when I was in ECE lab and didn’t understand what to do. I remember telling myself that I would be willing to do anything for someone to help me. It was really scary to even think that I ever thought something like that for something so silly. But that actually is how helpless I felt. I was so grateful that someone who didn’t even know me was willing to work with me, although I knew nothing, and he basically did the lab for me or told me what to do. After that lab, I called my mom and cried because it was just such a scary experience—feeling so desperate that you can’t think of anything you wouldn’t do to get help. I’ve never felt that desperate before, and have not felt that desperate since then; at least not about non-spiritual things. In the same way we are helpless when it comes to being able to save ourselves from death. We can’t. but God can. And He has.

And so after thinking about this analogy from own life, I understood better what trusting in God was about, and what it means to really need God, to be desperate spiritually. We are not trusting in someone who doesn’t exist, who is weak, who has weaknesses. We are trusting the One who is worthy of our trust. It is a trust that makes sense. God is worthy. And we need Him. We desperately need Him.

Immersion as Love

What does it mean to be in the world, to be immersed in it, not just to dabble in it?

Immersion and dabbling are different. Dabbling is going in and then quickly coming out. Immersing is losing track of time. It is putting your entire heart into it. Into loving the world. The people of this world.

Picture yourselves going to hang out with prostitutes, or brothel girls—to eat with them, socialize with them, live where they live. Stop. In this imagery, did you try to immerse in their culture, laugh with them? Or did you just sit awkwardly with them and observe them and try to have “polite” but reserved talk due to excessive culture shock?

Apostle Paul says that he became weak to reach the weak, and he became whatever other groups were in order to reach them. In this he did not mean that he compromised his moral standards, but that he tried to position himself among them, rather than above them or outside of them. He tried to relate to them, not focus on his discomfort, the culture shock or awkwardness. Eat with the prostitutes; hang out with the tax collectors.

Let us give our hearts to love those whom God loves, to be in the world, immersed in it, to “lose track of time”, putting our whole hearts into loving and becoming whatever is called for to reach the lost.

Lord, teach me what this means. Teach me how to live.
No. Show me how to die. So I can live for you. Shores of Grace

Saving People

I admit that I have daydreamed about saving people's lives before. Like a bicycler is zooming downhill and I violently pull a friend out of the way as the bike passes by, just barely clipping the outer jacket of the friend. The friend is totally oblivious the whole time; only when I yanked the friend out of the way was the friend awakened to what just happened.

When I first re-realized that I daydream (only very occasionally) about saving people, I was like NOOOO. Why do I do that? What is wrong with me? Is this an indicator of self-seeking motivations? Am I trying to prove my love to people, or gain affection from them?

It was a scary thought since I really desire to please God. And so I explored this further, like thinking about how I feel when I save people, and why I'm so eager to save people that I would daydream about it.

Then I asked myself: am I this eager to save people from deception, from falling into sin? Am I this eager to save myself from common pitfalls and from going near paths that lead to destruction? When I realize that something is wrong spiritually, am I proactive in praying, in crying out to God, or do I just nonchalantly shrug my shoulders and decide to think about it later when I have time? Do I have the same kind of passion to save myself or others from spiritual danger, as I am for physical danger? (because if I'm not, then maybe it's all about show. Maybe I just want to be able to outwardly show myself and get the reward for it, while privately, I may not be praying or caring). ---Am I prepared, spiritually speaking? Do I look out for danger in the spiritual sense? Am I passionate about "spiritual safety"?: AKA am I proactive about guarding my heart for God? Am I passionate about purity?

As the Deer

You're my friend and You are my brother

Even though You are a King

I love you more than any other

so much more than anything

I want You more than gold or silver

only You can satisfy

You alone are the real joy-giver

and the apple of my eye.

never knew about the 2nd and 3rd verses of this song until last friday. Good stuff.

when life gets complicated, these simple songs of love are best at softening our hearts and turning them back towards God.

right now I'm listening to a recording of As the Deer. not singing or anything, but just listening.

Vulnerable to Encouragement

I have this one design class where everyone is in a group/team and each member of that group has to do one presentation. So last friday it was my turn. My presentation affects my grade as well as theirs. I like presentations and speeches; I like preparing for them and presenting them. But I did so terribly. Actually, I think my presentation was the worst of all the presentations done so far this semester. Too fast, forgot what I was supposed to explain, wasn't coherent, scrolled through slides back and forth in a confusing manner, couldn't answer technical questions from the prof. etc.

After presenting, I sat down, and my phone vibrated. I was like huh, I got a text. I wonder who it's from. It was from a team-member. I was like Woah, what! she's sitting right there! The text read: "Great job, the slides looked great!" My first reaction was: you're lying; it was terrible. But then I realized how thoughtful she was to send a text from across the room, and how urgently she sent it--right after I presented. And that was encouraging to me, and it became more and more encouraging as I began to realize more and more the extent of how horribly I did. Later I remembered the look of the professor's face as I finished, and how he looked at his watch and had the expression of "that's it?"... and I remembered her text when I looked at my peer evaluations. There were others who said good job to me too, but this text was from my own group member, whose grades I just pulled down. And the timing of the text showed her extra thoughtfulness and eagerness to encourage me.

And now I have a report due tomorrow that is also a part of their grade. I emailed/spammed my group asking for some advice, and they replied not too long ago. .. All I can say is, exclamation points have never been so encouraging to me before. This one email began with "Hi Jamie, Looks great so far!!!!", gave some suggestions and ended with "It looks really good Jamie!!!!" It was so encouraging. It really blew my mind away. I am like the weak link in the group and they are so supportive and chill.

This made me think of Luke 7:40-47-- the illustration of the moneylender and how those who are forgiven more love more, and those who have been forgiven little love little.

so I guess we are more affected by (or vulnerable to) encouragement we have failed, when things aren't going great. because then we see the weaknesses and imperfections we have had all along and realize how wonderful and sweet forgiveness and encouragement is.

*disclaimer: I'm not actually that upset about it. I only realized that it affected me after I realized that I was super vulnerable to encouragement.

Impatience

I have a lot on my heart that I would like to blog about. I almost feel like I should lay them all out and decide which one is more worthy of a post. I feel like that girl in office hours who stopped this guy from asking the TA questions. So the guy had called the TA over and was about to ask a question when the girl was like: "STOP. Don't waste questions!" Apparently she thought he was going to ask a stupid question. It was so funny. The TA laughed for several minutes. But it's true; we all think that--don't waste questions. Office hours are precious; you have to fight for the TA. Don't waste questions. If we're friends, and I already asked that question, don't ask the TA that question; I'll explain to you the answer to that question later. Ask another question.

In the same way, I don't want to waste words or say things that are meaningless. But of course in my opinion, all this is important. Anyway.

Impatience.

When I think of impatience, I think of someone who is waiting impatiently in line, or waiting impatiently in traffic, or waiting impatiently for his wife who is taking a long time to get ready. But today, I realized that impatience is more than just these images that I have in my mind.

I always imagined myself to be a patient person, because I think of myself as really chill in regard to daily life things. But, I am an impatient person. I realized today (yes, kind of late in life to realize this.)

The speaker today at the retreat was talking about how to differentiate the voice of the Holy Spirit from your own voice. He said that one of the key things about your own voice is that it is impatient and self-focused. The Spirit's voice is softer, and more persistent--so if you wait a while, He'll still be saying the same thing. Whether you're energized or tired, the Holy Spirit will not change what He is saying, even a week later. So, this is one way to discern whether things are coming from Him or yourself.

This really resonated with me. because I've been really impatient recently. During worship, it's hard for my mind to focus on God. I think about other things as a result of my impatience--because I want to figure things out NOW instead of thinking about them later. I want to do my planning now; I want to think about certain things now, even though there's no use in thinking about them. And I ask God what I should do, or which direction to take, but I ask out of impatience. I'm not asking like the disciple John asked Jesus who it is who would betray Him. I feel like John asked because he loved Jesus and knew that Jesus loved him and was secure in this, and so he felt like he could ask.

It's like asking a friend "who is it?" You probably ask out of love, and out of a confidence in your friendship, not out of impatience or for the sake of knowing. Whether or not you know will not affect the friendship.

In the same way, whether or not I know my future or which direction God wants me to take, or where God wants me to go, should not affect my friendship with God. I realized that I've been asking out of impatience to know. not out of friendship. I want to know for myself. I'm not asking God the way John the disciple asked God.

John 13:25

..leaning back on Jesus' breast, [John] said to Him, "Lord, who is it?" (NKJV)

Leaning back against Jesus, [John] asked Him "Lord, who is it?" (NIV)

I want to do that. Lean back against Jesus and ask Him things.

not really to ask Him things, but to lean back against Him.

There must be more than this (2)

This is my second blog entry entitled There must be more than this.

Because that is how I feel: there must be more than this. What's the point of constantly making the same mistakes, constantly seeking the same things, having the same tendencies, falling into the same traps? And every time God picks me up, I realize: there must be more than this. A friend asked: is life circular or linear? It is circular, but it can be more linear. God is drawing us to Himself. Maybe it can be like the wheel of a car, moving circularly, but still moving forward. And each time we re-enter into a similar cycle/phase of life, it is a little different.

Sometimes when I feel alone, I look for deeper conversations. I try to create them.

because it's satisfying. to me at least.

When you talk about something deeper than food and work and jokes, it's more satisfying. Sometimes you learn new things about other people, or about life. Sometimes you realize things about yourself you never knew. Most of the time, you just want to listen and be listened to. You want to feel connected. You want to be understood or valued. You want answers.

But. still.

There must be more than this. There must be more to life than deep conversations. I realized that deep conversations still feel empty when God is not in them. After a while of just talking about life and how complex it is, or relationships and how complicated they are, or about the Church and its weaknesses, it's like... okay. now what? Why did we just talk about that? What was the point? Nothing has meaning in itself. But God gives meaning.

If God is in the conversation and you invite Him to direct the conversation, and you desire to please Him, then all your conversations will be meaningful, and come from a godly perspective. Even the simplest conversations. Your reason for those conversations will be completely different, God-centered. Instead of simply just talking and trying to obtain satisfaction, or just complaining or just feeding off each others' opinions or bitterness or judgments, you are speaking another language, talking and walking for a greater purpose. You are encouraging and growing closer to God. You are imparting Love and Truth. Just as God's Word is powerful, our words are powerful. Our life is impactful. Like prayer.

I miss talking about God, about how wonderful He is, about how He knows everything, how He works in everything. Even when things are really complicated. I miss the times when I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life, everything I see reminds me of what He is doing in my life.

Yet I do agree that at times, it is difficult to focus on God, on His Kingdom and eternal things. Especially when things occur, problems arise, stuff preoccupies your mind, distracting you from class, from focusing, from everything, from life itself. And you're like: what the heck? If God is my rock, why is this happening? Is God not my rock? Have I been deceiving myself? Why am I feeling this way? But God is gracious and compassionate. He graciously reveals to us our weaknesses, and strengthens us. Because He loves us.

"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused." (Hosea 11)

Lord, I know I am yours. And you will not give me up. I am yours forever, and I am not afraid.

Short post preceding a busy week

I am pretty "scared" for a couple of my prelims this week, or maybe just one. As in, mentally scared, not emotionally scared... actually it's hard for me to get scared over these things. Anyway, I'm logically scared. Or, I should be scared. Or rather, if I was not me, I would be scared. Basically, I have a very good reason to be scared, but it's not hitting me. I'm not sure if it ever will.

Anyway, something I shared with someone recently is that I've been learning to love and desire learning. And that the mindset I have now is that I'd rather do poorly on a prelim by making stupid out-of-my-control mistakes but understand everything decently well, than do well on my prelim out of luck but not understand very much. Basically, I'd rather understand and learn than do well. There is a correlation between the two, but the mindset makes a difference in how you approach homework and studying. Are you studying to get a good grade, or studying to learn? Are you doing homework to finish the homework so you can check it off of your to-do list and move on to do the next thing, or are you using the homework as a tool to help you learn the material?

Yet at the same time, outside of this new learning mindset I'm trying to get used to, I have to consider all of this meaningless compared to eternal things. I have to be ready to, at any given moment, give up everything that I am working for, everything that I have worked for, everything that I have been given, everything that I like and am comfortable with, to follow Jesus. And in imagining this, it helps me when I'm specific about the things I'm giving up. I often just imagine transferring out of Cornell, and if I would be okay with that. It's hard, but it reminds me that my heart needs to be so attached to God that I would give up everything to go where He wants me to go. And concerning eternal things, I should be eagerly giving up everything to pursue them. Like the man who sold everything to buy that field where the treasure was.

I have everything because I have God. What more can I lose?

and yet, it's hard isn't it? We still do think about it as "giving up everything". But it should be called "giving up nothing", since that "everything" is like "nothing".

It's hard to think about these things. It's uncomfortable to think about these things. It's easier to not think about it. But it's also dangerous (for me at least) to not think about it. Because when I finally do come around to thinking about it, I will already have invested my heart in worldly things and I will be in despair when I realize how all that I had invested in and valued was meaningless. But my hope now, is that I continue to realize the temporal nature of the things I am doing, even while I strive to do them well to glorify and please God.

Will it still be the same?

When I leave college, will it be the same?

What is "it"? Will what still be the same? doesn't matter. This is one of those free-form questions that are good for people who want to talk. Since the question is pretty vague, they can answer whatever question they perceive that the question is really asking.

When I leave this place, will it still be the same?

Yes. Yes, it will still be the same. No, it won't be, but yes it will be.

If you didn't understand the line above, you're using your mind. This is one of those times when you have to look deep in the person's eyes, beyond what they are literally saying, and try to see what they are REALLY saying. This usually involves guessing and intuition haha. [by the way, I can show you what this eye contact looks like. But actually what I mean is not that you should literally look deep into someone's eyes, but that you should just get the gist of what they are saying...]

---

The word "same" changes meaning depending on how you are viewing the word, (because you can't compare everything down to the molecules.. you have to choose your point of comparison).

Think about this question: "Do you feel that home and school are the same?" If you interpret it literally (or in a strange way), you would ask: what kind of question is that!? of course not. The windows in my house are different from the ones in my dorm! .... ... okay. but obviously the question-asker was referring to something else (more significant) besides the windows when he asked if they were the same.

I'm sure they've done experiments where they ask people a question and then see what the people think they are really asking.

This is why our minds have to be set on things above, and transformed by God. Even the way we perceive what questions are really asking is dependent on what we value, how we think, etc.

So will it be the same after college? will it be the same after marriage?

Yes.

why is it the same? Because God is with me. And He is with me after college. And He is always with me. And with that definition, I say yes. It will be the same.

[disclaimer: don't get upset at my post. I am not intending to be insensitive to change and how change is sometimes difficult. I am only pointing out one example of how having our minds transformed by God is important and affects everything/our perception of questions, even.]

Two things I respect

Today I realized 2 things that I respect. These are not the only two things, just two I thought of today.

1.) global focus

Right before thermo recitation began, several people stood up and left. As one of them was heading out the door, I gave him a questioning look. He came over and told me that the President of Czech Republic was speaking. He lifted his hands as a balance scale and was like "thermo recitation ... Czech president...", shrugged his shoulders and left recitation.

I was like wow, that's cool. They left immediately after they found out that the president was speaking. No hesitation, or deciding which was more important. Actually, thermo is a hard class and recitation is almost essential to completing the homework in my opinion. But obviously those people who left were more interested in global things, not preoccupied by the weekly homework grind. It was clear in their minds what was more important

I think it's very hard to do whatever you are currently doing and also be able to have your heart set on things above what you are doing---the greater things, the global things, the things that matter

2.) People who clearly "carry the group" in a project (as in do the most work), but act like they don't. They still value and respect each member of the group and want their feedback/help/opinion... and basically it is clear that they themselves do not feel that they are doing the most work. It takes humility and a servant's heart to get there. The funny thing is they don't even think they are doing the most work. They don't think about cooperation in terms of who is doing more, or what is "fair". That is cool.

Trust Falls

So, a week ago I stood outside for 3 hours doing various activities with people in my leadership theory&practice class. One of the mini-activities was doing the trust fall, which in my mind is really boring. We all chose people of similar sizes to pair up with for the fall/catch.

Yesterday, we were discussing the activities, and the teacher asked us to raise our hands if we felt that falling was harder, and then he asked us to raise our hands if we felt that catching was harder. The class was split almost 50/50. He told us that every year he noticed that it was split like that. He said he had a hypothesis: if you feel that falling is harder, it is about control. If you feel that catching is harder, it is about responsibility.

And then he told us that he used to do extreme trust falls where the person stands 5 feet into the air on some platform.

our sense of control, our sense of responsibility...which one causes us more stress to lose/fail at?

Are we more afraid that we will let someone down, or that someone will let us down?

We also discussed yesterday the top reasons for getting promoted and the top reasons for getting derailed. There were 2 slides full of reasons why people get derailed: low performance, insensitivity, over-managing, overly ambitious, poor staffing choices, betrayal of trust, unable to be strategic, arrogance, skill deficiencies, etc. We discussed all of these. And at the end, he said "there is hope". because all of these except one can be overcome.

Which one can't be overcome?

Betrayal of trust. He said: if you lose trust in a company, you should just get out.

Therefore, he said, never sacrifice your integrity.

Isn't it good that we believe in God who never fails? He keeps His word. His promises endure forever.

It's not a waste

Someone was playing the song "Let me love you more" by misty edwards on her computer, and I was baking and listening to the song for the first time. I liked the chorus, "oh won't you let me love you more, this is all that I desire". But what I liked even more was one of the verses.

I want to take my passion, and put it in a bottle

just to break it at your feet.

I want to take my affections and put them in a bottle

just to waste at your feet.

It reminded me of when Mary poured the expensive perfume over Jesus' feet. And how people criticized her for wasting it.

But it wasn't a waste!!!

When you are in love with someone, or if you really really love someone, you desire to "waste" time/energy/things/everything on them. To an outsider's perspective it's a waste; you're not being efficient; you're not using your resources wisely; you're not using what God has given you wisely; you're not using your time wisely. But you don't care. It's not a waste.

It's like when (some) guys buy a full diamond ring to propose. Dude... it's a ring. on your finger. Sounds ridiculous right? 10,000 dollars on your finger. But it is not a waste. It SEEMS like a waste. But it is not. Yes, why would you put 10,000 dollars on your finger? Yes, I see the question, the concern. What if the guy only had 10,000 dollars? Wouldn't it be better to save it for the marriage? What if he only had 5,000 dollars? It's "just" a ring. right? No. It is not just a ring. I think that a guy should be more than happy, more than willing to buy a diamond ring for a girl. (It also says something about your generosity too--or at least how you see money). I guess I'm making a very direct comparison between marriage and our relationship with Christ. But yea, it's like the Kingdom of Heaven, where you sell EVERYTHING without reserve to buy that field. You don't care about anything else.

It's like... not caring that you just spent 4 hours worshiping or spent a whole day with God, not even reading a Christian book or whatever. But just meditating on who He is, talking to Him, being in His presence, worshiping Him. It seems like "wasted time" since you didn't even "technically" obtain knowledge from a book (I'm not saying books are bad, but sometimes we ignore just being with God, being still before Him, because we consider that a "waste" when we compare it with listening to a sermon or reading a Christian book. There are many ways of getting to know God, and it should all come out of our love and passion for Him).

So yes. The concept of "let me love you more". Let me.

It's a plea. "Let me."It's not a plea to God. I'm pretty sure God will let us love Him more. The song lyrics "technically" seem incorrect.

O won't You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won't You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won't You let me love You more this is my deepest heart's desire
Won't You let me love You more still more and more

But you really have to get the gist of it and look beyond the technicalities. A lot of times when we make a plea to one person, or explain ourselves to one person, we're actually subconsciously defending ourselves to another person (or ourselves). (That's why when people are really strongly opinionated about something simple, it's because they're transferring their strong emotions from some other situation to this similar situation). So here, "O Let me love you more" implies that the world (or my own mind) thinks I'm wasting my time, so Lord, please defend me/my heart/my desires. let me love you more. Tell them Lord. Tell them that it pleases you when I pour my perfume at your feet. Let me love you more. We know that God will let us love Him more, just as we know it is because of Him we are able to love Him. But we either feel judgment (from our own mind), or we just know that it's kinda illogical, and so we make the plea: let me love you more. We say it to Him, but also for ourselves to hear. I want to "waste" my time on you, "waste" my hours worshiping you, being still before you, meditating on your beauty and goodness. O won't you let me love you more. So yea, not about the technical meaning, but the general tone/plea that reflects such a longing for God. It's like how in Song of Solomon 4:9, he says "you have stolen/captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes." He doesn't mean "stolen" or "captivated" in a negative way. The word just conveys the strength of the feeling.

I want to take my affections and put them in a bottle, just to waste at your feet

O won't you let me love you more.

O church, won't we love Him more? Is He not deserving of our affections? It is not always necessary to use our energy on doing "productive" things. Loving someone takes a lot of energy, even if you aren't doing anything for them. But loving someone also gives you a lot of energy. That's why some people miss it. They miss having someone to love. But how much sweeter it is to love the God who loves us.

Compliments & Encouragements

I was exploring the difference between a compliment and an encouragement today. And I looked it up.

To compliment someone is to praise them. To encourage someone is to support them to do or continue doing something. So, a compliment would be "you are good". An encouragement would be "keep it up". But I realized that you can also encourage someone through a compliment. It is harder to do though sometimes. Because often we want to be like "wOW you are SOOO GOOD at _____", and it's harder to be like "hey, you're good at this" in a keep-it-up-encouraging manner. (basically it's a difference in intention and tone when we say it. The former leans more towards flattering/adoring).

Anyway, I was thinking about this because I was very encouraged yesterday. so much so that I teared up. I am so blessed to have such a spiritually mature and wise mother who loves and fears the Lord.

Life is short. That was one of the things she said to me.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal ~2Cor4:18

Uncertainty in whether I am pleasing God

Continuing from the last post... some more thoughts

Uncertainty in whether I am pleasing God.

This is probably my least favorite of uncertainties. Often this uncertainty comes from the uncertainty of what people think of me. --AKA when (certain) people doubt my motivations or my decisions (or when I perceive that they are doubting), I start to doubt too whether or not I am pleasing God.

It was so good this morning just to read/sing the lyrics of Nothing but the Blood.

Your Blood speaks a better word

Than all the empty claims

I've heard upon this earth

Speaks righteousness for me

And stands in my defense

Jesus it's your blood

Forgiveness is so awesome.

A Specific Kind of Uncertainty

I used to really dislike uncertainty, but recently I thought about it and decided that I was okay with uncertainty. But today I felt uncomfortable with uncertainty again--with not knowing. And I wondered why. My whole career and life path is uncertain, yet it doesn't bother me. But something so small bothered me. and suddenly I realized that there was a pattern. I feel very uncomfortable and anxious when there is uncertainty in my relationships with others, or if there is great uncertainty in my mind of what people think of me--if I feel like they are getting a wrong idea of me or my heart based on things I know they observed, or things that I think they think. Of course people are always thinking things, and I don't mean that. This is hard to explain, but the bottom line is that I know I shouldn't care about what others think, at least for the most part. That's what I've been told. I should only care what God thinks, and aim to please God alone. He knows my heart. And even when my heart is wrong, He loves me enough to change me. And He loves me even when I fail to change. It's hard to change. It's easy to cover up our tendencies and make them more subtle.

A lot of times, when I am anxious about what other people think of me, I just go: "whatever. I don't care what they think" and then I block them out of my mind and try to worship God. Sometimes I am able to worship Him and sometimes things bother me so much that I am unable to worship Him with all my heart/mind/soul. When I am able to worship Him, I go into this mentality of: I just need you God. which is true. But it's the hiding mentality. When I go into that mode, I just want to hide in my room and worship God and not have to face the world where I feel like I must defend myself from judgment. (I only feel this way occasionally).

I'm not sure if that mindset is wrong or not. I guess it does prevent me from shining His light to the world. and from reaching out. from loving people. because it's risky. It's easier to love at a distance.

Soon and very soon

I'll be going to the place He has prepared for me

There my sins erased

My shame forgotten

Soon and very soon

When I first heard this song, it was so sad for me. My heart really ached. It is such a beautiful song. It describes our longing for God. It's like when you miss someone so bad, your heart aches and you have no appetite. I heard this song over the summer. And it just put me in a completely different mindset/heart of longing for God, and the feeling was so different that it made me sad/grieve over how all the things I had been talking about with sisters and things that I had been concerned about didn't matter. All the girl talk and stuff was meaningless. (even though they were good too... )but really, when we truly see God, we will forget the things of this world

I miss you God.

I say that to Him a lot. What I really mean is that I long for you in a way that feels like I miss you.. even though you are always with me.

The message we hear

One of my favorite quotes is:

"You preach what you know, and impart who you are"

~(forgot which pastor/missionary said this)

Larry Randolph, a pastor, once said that everyone has one life message. It's the message that you would preach if you knew you were going to die tomorrow. All other messages you preach in your lifetime have that one life message as an overtone. It doesn't matter what you're preaching about.

Even if you look at the gospels. A lot of the gospels have repeated stuff, but if you read them side by side, it's still a little different. Each of them mention/notice/remember different parts or different perspectives. And John. I always thought it was cute that John referred to himself as the disciple whom Jesus loved. Just by reading the gospel of John, we can get a sense of who John is. Likewise, we can get a sense of what the preacher is like just by listening to a sermon or two.

If you give two preachers the same sermon outline and ask them both to preach, I'm sure the messages they preach will still be pretty different--or at least have different overtones. We preach from what's inside. Knowledge is good. Knowledge is very good. People die for lack of knowledge. But knowledge doesn't always change us. Knowing God changes us. Loving God changes us. God loving us changes us. God changes us.

In fact, everyone you love and value and treasure changes you. That's a reason why we should not love anyone above God. It is dangerous to do so.

So yea, we preach what we know, but more importantly, we impart who we are.

Sometimes when people preach to me, I don't remember what they said (because they said a lot and went seemingly 'off topic' a lot), but it was still good. I come out with a satisfaction for the preaching/answer they gave and I come out feeling like I understand God better and have a deeper grasp of who He is and His word. But I can't always summarize the sermon or the answer or the conversation. ... yea dude, a lot of preachers preach like that. They don't preach in bullet points; they don't do the three/five step/point preaching, but their preaching is continuous going from one idea/concept to another and usually in the middle of their preaching I feel like what they're saying is really awesome/good/helpful but I have no idea how it connects with the topic. But I'm like whatever, it was good. And at the end of the sermon, I feel like they preached on 20 different things all in one sermon. Probably because everything is connected. And you can't really expound on one thing without going into another thing. (hence my super long blog post) And everything connects back to your core beliefs and your understanding of God.

Like, two people can hear the same message and come out with different interpretations/lessons of that message. A pastor talks about God's love and grace, and two people summarize what they learned. One person says the preacher said that God is so loving that He washed us clean and He loves us as we are. Another can say that he thought the message was that even we are so bad, God still loves us. There is a difference in emphasis.

Version 1: God loves us because of Him, because He chose to love us. He has washed us clean.

Version 2: We are so bad, but God still loves us. God loves us even though we are so horrible.

[I heard that among Asian evangelical Christians, the second one is more often used, especially in prayer "thank you Lord for loving us even though we are so horrible"]

So it's not just the literal sermon, not just the knowledge that the sermon contains. It's the pastor who preaches it--his life, his understanding of God, his life message/overtone in the preaching. It is also about our understanding of God.

Figurative Language

Numbers12:6-8 And he said, "Hear my words: If there is a prophet among you, I the LORD make myself known to him in a vision; I speak with him in a dream. Not so with my servant Moses. He is faithful in all my house. With him I speak mouth to mouth, clearly, and not in riddles, and he beholds the form of the LORD.

John 16 ²⁵"I have said these things to you in figures of speech. The hour is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figures of speech but will tell you plainly about the Father. ²⁶In that day you will ask in my name, and I do not say to you that I will ask the Father on your behalf

^{John 16: 12}"I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. ¹³When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. ¹⁴He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you. ¹⁵All that the Father has is mine; therefore I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you.

1 Cor 2:¹²We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. ¹³This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.

Isn't this all so cool? In the old testament, we would have to be like Moses to know God and have God speak plainly to us. But now God has give us everything He gave to Jesus. And He has given us the Spirit who is in us, who teaches us all things.

I came across tons of these verses because I had questions about this one passage: Mark 4:10-12, but then I found the parallel verses which explained it better (Matthew 13:10-15), and then somehow I came across more and more verses on this topic of God hiding things in parables. It is really cool how the bible works--how it's so rich in meaning and how there is no way you can completely understand all of it. And things are more precious when we find it ourselves or when we finally understand it or can relate to it. (prov 25:2?) But God reveals things to us as we seek Him and ask Him.

The more I seek you, the more I find you

The more I find you, the more I love you

~Kari Jobe

How do you count cards?

I was playing Dutch Blitz (card game) with friends. Each person playing has a deck of cards, and has to put a stack of 10 cards in front of them, as a part of the setup of each round. So I would hold my big deck of cards in my left hand and use my right hand to count out& place 10 cards in front of me. At first, I would count the cards in my head, 1 2 3.. etc as I placed each one down. My friend next to me would actually count out loud, but in another language so she wouldn't mess the rest of us up, while we counted in our heads. (usually I would double-check myself and count my 10 cards again just to make sure I had counted 10 out--it's easy to doubt). One round, however, I counted my 10 cards out using a different method. I didn't try very hard to focus on counting the cards. In fact, I wasn't even looking at the cards while I counted. I used the swishing sound of the cards as I placed each one down to keep count. Using this method I could count the cards much faster and had greater confidence that I actually had counted out 10 cards---I didn't have to double-check anymore.

After this really cool realization, I stopped the game and asked my 3 other friends whether they focused on counting when they counted or if they counted subconsciously while looking up (not at the cards). Two of them said they counted in their head (or, out loud) and they counted better when they focused on counting. One of them said that she also counted better when she didn't focus on counting but instead subconsciously counted. She also said that she didn't really hear herself/her voice counting in her head, but she just counted subconsciously like I did.

Okay yea. that was really hard to explain. But, it was a really cool realization. because it's really useful, for me at least. Because I tried to count out loud in my head at first, but that didn't work as well for me. But I did it anyway because I thought that was how everyone is supposed count. I didn't realize that I counted better subconsciously, when I didn't focus on counting. I can't help but wonder if there are other areas of my life where I'm trying to learn/do things the way I think "everyone" is supposed to do things, but it's actually not the best way for me.

Isn't God so amazing? We're all wired differently, in very specific and unique ways... even down to the little things like ... counting. And He allows us to discover new things about ourselves, His creation, Him, His Word, etc. It's so rewarding to discover even these little things. How much more rewarding it is to find wisdom, to find understanding, to obtain revelation from God.

I am reminded of this verse, which I think is really rich in meaning

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;

to search out a matter is the glory of kings

proverbs 25:2

Our Focus

This has been on my mind for a week now: how much do we focus on certain things? How much should we focus on our family, how much should we focus on right relationships, on Christian persecution, on greek meanings of Jesus' words, on the issue of sex trafficking, on giving financially, etc? When I say "focus on", I mean think about or strategize about during the day. I think the Christian fellowship I am currently with tends to promote thinking this question during the day: "how can I love person X today?" But it's not like that everywhere. When I went to Redding, the question running through some people's minds was: "Who in the grocery store does God want to heal today?" or "what prophetic word is God speaking to me and who is it for?" In other churches, it is "what sin is God revealing to me today?" In the missions field, it might be "how can I tell X person about Jesus?" or "how can I pray for person X in jail?" In seminary, it might be "what did Jesus mean in this parable?" There are so many "focuses", so many things we can think about--all of which are technically biblical. What we think about during the day--what we set our minds on-- influences our outlook on life, how we see God's Kingdom, what we think God's calling for us is, where our time is spent, where our heart is, our relationship with God, our relationship with others, etc. etc.

I used to think that there is no one "correct" way to go about it because we are called to different focuses at different stages of our life, but now I don't think that is necessarily the case. Not that I think there is one right way, or that we don't have different callings. We are called to different things, but we can't assume what we're doing now is what God has called us to do. We can't assume that what we're focusing on now is what God has called us to focus on. What is His will? and how do we know? What does His Word say?

the Word says to set our minds on things above, to seek first the Kingdom of God. But the Word also says to love our neighbors, to be reconciled with our brothers before we offer our gift to God (Matthew 5:24), to look after orphans and widows (James 1:27), to lead quiet lives gaining respect from outsiders (1 thes. 4:11), etc. Pick your favorite bible verse that is a command... Soooo... which one is it!!??

I used to make a list of all these commands/things we're called to do, so that I could remember all of them. I used to look at the list, point to my favorite one at the moment and be like: see we're ALL supposed to do that. I should go take care of orphans and be like mother teresa. And I would focus on that one verse. It's a good verse, but only focusing on a few verses in the bible is dangerous. That's how some Churches go astray; they overemphasize one thing and then point to one bible verse and are like "hey, the bible tells us to do it". But the bible also tells us to do... other things...

I was listening to short sermon clip on youtube by Bill Johnson. I think there's a lot of wisdom in what he said, even though he doesn't cite any bible verses. His explanation is that there are many truths (meaning many different bible verses of commands), and each truth has its proper place in the Kingdom. And no truth should be elevated above its proper place. So I guess it's just about where this "proper place" is. Some pastors say they are a husband first, a father second, and a pastor third, or something like that. Most of us agree that pastorship's proper place comes after the place of family.

There is one proper place all Christians can agree on---that is relationship with God is first.

"[God] will never take you to where your family is more important than God. Why? Because if your family is more important than God, then you have an inferior love for your family. But if God is first, you'll always have a greater love for your family than if they were number one" ~Bill Johnson

--

sidenote: this is my first time quoting from a charismatic pastor in my blog and mentioning his name instead of being like "some pastor once said this". haha. o jamie. you care about judgment from both sides. And yet, there are no sides within God's Kingdom. There is unity. Let us be one. There is only God's side. I am on God's side; who's with us?

If only we knew

The times when Jesus wept were when He saw people mourning over the death of Lazarus (John 11:35), and when He saw the city of Jerusalem (Luke 19:41). In the first case, I believe He wept because of their unbelief. And in the second case, He was also grieving over the sin, unbelief, blindness of the people. The recorded times when Jesus wept were when other people were losing out, not when He was losing out. (Their unbelief means they don't know God, and when people don't know God, they usually "lose out" on what God wants to give them--either because they are not a son of God, or they fail to ask for what God already wants to give them)

If only they could know.

If only we would know.

God's love, God's truth, God's power. His greatness, His kindness, His beauty.

Then perhaps we would not forget. Then perhaps we would not have to struggle with whether or not to give into sin. Sometimes I forget what I'm fighting for, and I'm tempted to just throw in the rag, and be like whatever, I don't care anymore; I'm messed up anyway.

But God has called us to be pure, to be perfect as He is perfect.

Don't give up; don't forget!

"Blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb!" ~ Revelation 19:9

We can have hope in this verse: "Let us be glad and rejoice and give Him glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has made herself ready" ~ Revelation 19:7

We are fighting for something worth fighting for!

Do you love me less?

God favored Abel's offering over Cain's, and then He asked Cain why he was angry. "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?" Unconditional love. In this situation, God still loves Cain; He is just not pleased with the offering/heart. God's love and whether or not He is pleased with our actions are two different things. Sometimes I wrongly think that because God loves me, I am not displeasing or grieving Him. But pleasing God and being loved by God are separate. We are always loved by God; we don't always please Him.

Does God play favorites? Favoritism is a subjective word. In whose point of view does it refer to? It usually refers to the heart of the person who is showing love, like if a parent actually loves one child more than the other-- not when the child perceives the parent to love one over another; it's about the parent's heart, not the child's perception of the parent's heart. Like sometimes my brother thinks my parents are playing favorites because I get to have a laptop and he isn't allowed one. It's just that I'm older and in college, while he is in elementary school. Therefore, he doesn't get a laptop. This is not favoritism. Even if my brother perceives it to be favoritism, it's not. Our perception is often wrong. So, perhaps Cain perceived "favoritism", but it wasn't favoritism. God loved Cain too, but just wasn't pleased with his heart. "For God does not show favoritism" (romans 2:11)

Peter said in Acts 10:34-5 "Now I see how true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fear Him and do what is right"

Just because God chooses some people to do "great" things, doesn't mean He loves the others less. Like Jacob and Esau, Moses and Aaron. It is important to remember that difference. God sent Jesus to die for EVERYONE, not just His disciples, but also for the pharisees whom He loved but was not pleased with. God does choose one person over another for certain roles, but that doesn't mean He loves you less if you weren't chosen for something. Esau wasn't chosen to be the recipient of the birthright. Joseph's brothers weren't chosen to be ruler; Aaron wasn't chosen to be the leader as Moses was. We each have our own roles; we are part of the body. The eyes, the toes, the arm--they're all needed and part of one body.

Even the roles we play in other people's lives are different. We aren't always the star player--the one who your drowning friend in the river shouts for, the one who your troubled friend asks for for advice. If a friend chooses another over you for a particular role in their life, that doesn't (necessarily) mean they love you any less. And we must not compare our roles in the Kingdom. Jesus said to Peter: "If I want [John] to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?" (He said this because Peter was like "what about [John]?" and comparing roles). We're not always the ones to go; sometimes we are the ones who stay back and make sure the home is taken care of. We're not always the ones on stage preaching or leading worship--not even the ones leading the youth; sometimes, we're the ones in the nursery room feeding the toddlers. We're not always the shoulder that gets cried on, the friend who everyone wants to share with; sometimes we watch from the corner and pray. We may not be the most influential, or the person loved by everyone, but God sees our heart, and we all play different roles, and we must not compare. And the point is to focus on God rather than focus on trying to get a prominent role in the Kingdom, or in other people's lives. And when we focus on God and know His heart for compassion and unity, we won't be stumbled into having wrong perceptions of favoritism, and we won't be hurt or sad when we don't get the role we want to play, when it seems like we're not "wanted" or valuable in our community. We please God and are valued by God. Our significance is not determined by activity or value in the community/social network.

But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well

~Matthew 6:33

What must I do to follow Jesus?

It's always interesting to see how Jesus responds differently to similar concerns/questions--like for example, about how we should follow Him. The responses are different because He knows our weaknesses, our idols, what we need, what we need to hear, etc.. And the end goal is for us to follow Jesus with all our mind/heart/strength, in sincerity, giving up everything else and not looking back.

To the rich young ruler, He said to sell everything, give to the poor, and then come follow Him.

To a scribe eager to follow Him, Jesus said "foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests but the Son of Man has no place to rest His head".

To another, Jesus said "let the dead bury the dead, but you go proclaim the Kingdom of God"

To a man who wanted to say goodbye to his family, Jesus said "No one who puts his hand on the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God"[luke 9]

To the crowds traveling with Him, He said "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his mother and father, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple".

"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." [luke 14]

These verses all remind me of this one about prayer:

"But when he asks he must not doubt, because he who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." [James 1].

I always felt like these verses in James were very strong. Because I think most people do that--they pray half-heartedly when it comes to things that are "less likely" to be given. Or, what most people do instead is they only ask for 'little' things, because they fear they will be "disappointed" by God when they ask for something greater and it isn't given. And then they say that they don't want to "bother" God by asking for bigger things, or that they are not that important, or that they assume it is not God's will to do anything super miraculous through prayer. Dude, this is our Father. He desires to give good gifts to us. It IS His will to give us good gifts. Do we doubt that?

There is such an emphasis in the bible on whole-heartedly following God. It is a single-minded focus; you must give up everything else; you cannot serve two gods. You cannot look back; you cannot hold onto traditions, family, homes, familiarity, etc. Not to say you can't have traditions, or a family, or a home, but the gist of what Jesus is trying to convey is following Him with all your mind, heart and strength, and not allowing any heart-tuggers to latch onto your heart while you follow Jesus.

"And He said to them: Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you and still more will be added to you. For the one who has, more will be given and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away" Mark4:24-25

So it's like the more we seek the truth, the more we will find the truth; the more we obey His word, the more of His will/revelation will be given to us.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13

----

So the question for me is what do I still need to give up to follow Jesus? What is taking my heart from the Lord? And sometimes it's not any particular concrete thing; it's just my focus. I find that the more I focus on God, the more I am able to love other people--in a way that is real and unconditional; the more I focus on God, the more I am able to love people without fearing that they will (one day) reject or leave/ignore me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor death, neither anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord ~Romans 8

God is mine, and I am His. Forever.

I like long-term relationships/friendships. But what's better is forever relationships.

--But sometimes it's hard to shift our focus to God by ourselves. Sometimes it really helps when other brothers/sisters listen to what we are currently focusing on/struggling with, and then redirect us to God. That's what the family of Christ is here for; we are united as one, as Jesus is one with the Father.

Blogging at night

Blogging at night means your inhibitions are down. Sometimes I regret blogging late at night, because I reveal more weaknesses, and then during the day, I'm like "I'm fine now. shoot, why did I reveal that weakness? I'm totally fine. Everything is fine. Now everyone thinks I am___[insert whatever the post revealed]". Then I tell myself that next time I should only blog when "my mind is clear", whatever that means.

Actually let's figure out what it means. What does my mind "being clear" mean? Doesn't it just mean I'm more protective of myself, of my weaknesses, my thoughts, my emotions? It also means I'm more aware of social norms, what's socially acceptable, and am more concerned about what others think, etc.

So basically, my definition of my mind being "clear" comes from a worldly standpoint. My definition of "clear" has a positive connotation, and is worldly. In essence, I'm saying that my mind is "clear"/better when I have a grip on life, when everything seems fine, and my mind isn't filled with emotions and complex/deep, private thoughts and struggles--when I'm better able to present myself as being "fine". which is a lie. I am never without struggle or weakness. But God's power is made perfect in my weakness, and so I will boast all the more of my weakness

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ~ 2 Cor. 12:9

Knowing Yourself as Deeply Loved

the title says it all. Knowing yourself as deeply loved by God.

How do we know ourselves? Identity is who we experience ourselves to be. We should know ourselves as deeply loved and valued by God. Why are we loved and valued? Just because. Because God is love. Because it is His will to love us. Who are we? We are deeply loved by God. We belong. We belong to Him. We have a home. We have a Father. We are loved. We are deeply loved. We are loved. We are loved.

John Calvin: "There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God."

That makes sense, because if we really know God, we will know ourselves since we are created in His image. And if we really know ourselves, we know God, because He is in us; we are His and He made us. We cannot know our real self apart from Him; we cannot exist without Him.

St. Augustine's prayer: "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee."

Know yourself as deeply loved by God.

--

Favorite quote of the day/week/

"We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of God. What's absent is awareness" ~Richard Rohr

Awareness. Often the power of worship is that we experience God through being aware that He is there. That He is here. And that He is wonderful. God is here. His presence is here. Even as you read this and as I write this. There is nothing more powerful than His presence, than Him. But every moment of the day, not just in worship we can be aware that He is here. Prayer. Meditation. We must be aware that God is with us even in temptation, even in doubt, even in despair. In every hardship. In every boring day. In dreams. In trials.

He is not an imaginary friend. He is powerful. He is real. He can heal you; He knows you.

How can I keep from singing your praise

How can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love.

How can I keep from shouting your name?

I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing.

I can sing in the troubled times, sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step and fall down again

I can sing when you pick me up, sing cause you're there

I can sing cause you hear me Lord, when I call to you in prayer

I can sing with my last breath, sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels and saints around the throne

[repeat forever]

Why do I say that?

Today we learned about the Doppler Effect in physics. and it made me think of a conversation I had with a friend.

One day while walking, an ambulance with sirens sounding, sped past us into the distance. We could hear the sound of the sirens changing as it drove off into the distance

Friend: The Doppler Effect!!!

Me: (gosh), so nerdy

I forgot what my friend's reaction to my comment was. She probably told me to shush, or she pushed me or something.

Why did I say that? Why did I make fun of her application of academics to life? The thing is I didn't even mean it when I said it. I don't really think it's nerdy; I think it's good to (learn to) love what you learn in school and to apply it, and see how amazing God is for creating physics. What I said was kind of automatic for me, something I picked up from being around Asian circles; it seems like something people in Asian circles would say, but perhaps that's just my opinion. I realize that when I say things like that, it can discourage others.

I remember another scenario that is an opposite parallel of this one--because it was encouraging.

I was carrying around textbooks in the dorms before the school year/classes had started. A couple friends were in the hallway and saw me. One friend said: "are you studying already??" I said "oh, no I'm giving these textbooks to someone, but yes, I have started studying." The other friend smiled, looked me in the eye and said genuinely: "good for you!"

I was so encouraged by what she said and her genuineness in saying that. It is so rare.

How easy it is to say: "woww, what! WHY would you do that?" or something similar. Those kind of comments make it easy for people to want to hide the fact that they are studying before school starts--to hide the fact that they are doing something outside of the "cool norm".

I think it's really awesome when people encourage each other to be who they really are, who God has created them to be, to do what God calls them to do, etc.... instead of making discouraging remarks that push people to conform or hide their differences

For all those reading, I'm sorry for the discouraging things I've said to you.

Summer in Ithaca: thoughts so far

I've been here 5 days, and so far I have concluded: Summer in Ithaca is awesome and scary.

It's awesome because I have a freer schedule, yet I'm not bored--at least not the kind of bored that drives people insane, almost literally. Bored of life. It's not that kind. It's relaxing, is what I'm trying to get at. It's relaxing and peaceful, but not lonely, even if I spend a big chunk of time alone.

It's also scary. because something is missing. The pace is slower. People aren't rushing to get to places. They cook and chop vegetables at a relaxed pace and randomly decide to lie on couches in the middle of the day for extended periods of time. Or sit on the slope and observe scenery. Take walks. People make decisions to go places more spontaneously. Everything is chill. You don't plan dinners/events a week in advance. Or at least most people don't. Folding clothes, cleaning, doing dishes, cooking, eating, lounging, walking at a leisurely pace are the things you observe people doing most of the time. It's like life is on pause and we're all living in slow motion. The long grass is swaying in the wind. You are standing in the fields, looking over the miles and miles of grass. It's a beautiful day, blue skies.

While you're in this slow-paced bubble sort-of-dream-life-but-not-really life, the rest of the world is moving right along.

Part of me is like: This is so peaceful! yay! Another part of me is like: dislike! I don't like this. I don't even know who I am, or what I like to do. There's no ambition/competition, but there's also no great excitement. There's no great pain, but also no great anticipation of great things to come. I'm not obsessed; I'm not passionate; I'm not holding on tightly for dear life; I'm not in love; I'm not frustrated with anyone. All these are more extreme emotions. I think, maybe, sometimes I get a subconscious high from these emotions--either from the emotion itself, or from knowing that the emotion is "bad", and wanting to improve/fix my heart. But now, it's almost like there's nothing to "work on", even though there is (which just means I'm not currently pursuing the heart of God). No one else is really stressed or in a bad mood, so there's no relational friction or hardship comforting, or whatever else. I like these things. I like focusing on relationships (with sisters.. for now), having exciting (but not necessarily significant) goals, etc. But that's not what it's about. (which reminds me of my previous blog post "there must be more than this", where I said that there must be more to life than constantly wanting the warmth of friendship and replaying fuzzy memories.) Life is more than exciting little (meaningless) goals and getting a high from relational issues. It's about God.

It's hard to be honest with yourself and not deny that you have a ton of wrong/false statements/beliefs/feelings in you. We fool ourselves lots of times and try to tell ourselves that we do pursue God, when we clearly don't, or that we do have our identity rooted in Christ, when we don't. I admit (and it's hard to admit this because I also have spiritual pride) that my life/focus wasn't centered on God Himself. On knowing God and desiring God. But desiring this feeling, this emotional high of conflicts and closeness, goals and ambitions.

This evening I was listening to Nickelback and related artists, and I felt a lot of energy from listening to slightly angry songs. And it felt really good. But that's so wrong. To want to be angry for the sake of having more energy and passion. (do we spend our emotional energy/passions on junk?)

And I was going to say that I feel like I don't desire anything. But the truth is I do desire many things, and very very greatly but I don't know how to get to them (fear?lack of trust?), so I therefore "don't" desire anything. It's like when people who are afraid of getting hurt don't try to get closer to people. And they tell themselves and others that they're just not the type of people who enjoys having really close friendships. The truth is that they do desire it, but because of their fear, they think they don't desire it. We were created to desire fellowship, with God and others.

I learned a lot about myself from writing this blog post. but gotta remember these two verses:

All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart ~prov 21

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding ~prov 3

God understands us and the world more than we can understand. In the end, we just gotta trust in Him and make sure our heart is following after His.

Closer

Strip away my pride Lord, so I can be closer to you.

Sometimes we get into the mentality of “Be careful; don’t be prideful”, and we remind ourselves of that. This is good, but sometimes we forget the point of not wanting to be prideful. We don’t aim for humility so we can be a “good person” or a “good” Christian. Pride distances us from God—pride as well as all sin—and that should really really grieve us, because we love God and desire to be closer to Him.

Cast me not away from Thy presence O Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me.

I thought of this--the stuff above that I wrote-- as I was just reading Nehemiah 1:4. This verse really captured my attention.
(Nehemiah has just heard that Jerusalem is in shambles physically and spiritually).
"When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven."

It captured my attention because I realized how greatly the news affected Nehemiah. And how his weeping, mourning, fasting was so sincere, and not just doing it as a formula for getting right with God, but that he really grieved for the sins of Jerusalem.

My Father in Heaven

It's Father's Day! As I was making something for my earthly father, I thought of my heavenly Father.

Father God, You know me more

Than I know.

You clothe me and take me

By the hand.

You walk

With me. I do not realize

You are all

I need. All

I want.

You are.

You are all.

Prayer

A little girl prays out loud, "God, give me a beautiful day on Saturday for my birthday".

It rains on Saturday.

Someone comes up to the little girl and says: "I guess God didn't answer your prayer".

The little girl replies: "He did. He said 'no' "

There must be more than this

I'm home, and I miss everyone at Cornell already. Scenes/memories of this year, of warmth run through my mind, and it baffles me how people can have so much love. I am truly overwhelmed. And my heart aches.

In middle school I was very bad at this. at moving on / saying goodbye /'dealing' with loving people and warm memories. And by very bad I mean crying for 1-2 years after someone special to me moved away. I wasn't good at this at all. Not that I'm any better now, but I guess God has taught me a lot since then. about pressing on toward the goal, looking ahead. And also that my heart/mind should be fixed on Him.

All this came to me as I stumbled across the song "Consuming Fire"

There must be more than this, O breath of God come breathe within
There must be more than this, Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray, Fill us anew we pray

The key phrase that resonated with me was "there must be more than this". In my mind, it meant: there must be more than this; there must be more to life than constantly seeking that warmth of friendship, and replaying those nice fuzzy memories, and longing to be entrenched in a community of love. There is more to life than harmonious loving relationships. All these are very good, and even Apostle Paul says that he thanks the Lord every time he thinks of his brothers. So I don't mean that we should forget people once they are not around us; that's not good. Paul constantly prayed for people in various places and wrote them encouraging letters when he couldn't be with them, and Paul said that he yearned to be with them. And we should do the same: continue to pray, love and encourage brothers and sisters who are not with us at the moment. Yet, at the same time, we should set our minds on things above, continue to press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward.

A pastor wrote: "But if we have no vision, we perish because we end up spending all of our energy either trying to find pleasure or working to stay out of pain"
and that's kind of how I feel about changes in life. When we have a vision, a goal, a direction in life, we won't spend our time constantly seeking pleasure or preoccupied with avoiding pain. Of course, having a direction in life doesn't mean knowing exactly what God has called you to, because we don't know. And I struggled so long with this and still do, because I long to know what it is that God has called me to do so that I can start running after it.
It.
'so that I can start running after it'.
There is something wrong with that statement. And I keep forgetting that it's not really about running after your calling in life, but running after God. And God will guide you to where He wants you to be and what He wants you to do. so this vision, this direction in life is God. And this leads me to share another song that has been on my heart: "One Pure and Holy Passion"

Give me one pure and Holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you

And that is the ambition, and that is the direction: to run after God. Not ministry or calling, but God.

And if you look at the big guys in the old testament: David, Moses, Joseph, etc. None of them had this grand plan of how they were going to do something awesome for God, but God chose them. And God put them where they needed to be and told them what to do. And all the glory went to God. A lot of times, I think that I need to come up with this awesome idea/plan of what I'm gonna do in the future, but then I forget that that's not what life is about.

What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger?

A popular quote: What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger
really?

But part of me is like: BUT WHAT IF I GET DESTROYED!?!

The closest bible verse is about suffering producing perseverance, character, hope
Romans 5:3-5 we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

so... I am ignoring the bible verse, because when I'm like "WHAT IF I GET DESTROYED?" I'm essentially saying: What if suffering DOESN'T produce character and hope? But it does. According to His word it does.
And it does because of His goodness and love and the Holy Spirit in us.

I'm not afraid of not making it to the other end of the tunnel. I'm more afraid of how I will turn out at the other end of the tunnel. Even if I don't get destroyed, even if I make it through the tunnel, I don't want to get damaged..

I feel like this quote, "What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger", ignores other aspects of being destroyed. What if something doesn't destroy you literally, but you come out of the tunnel angry, traumatized, bitter, tired, defeated ..? yes, you 'made it through'. but you are "destroyed" in a way.

and that is my fear.

But I forget that God is always with me. And I forget His goodness. Or more like I don't trust it. And I don't trust that if I do get hurt, that he will heal me and comfort me and renew me.

And my other fear is that at the end of all this, there isn't a reward that I have gained that I want that I don't already have. One way people deal with this fear of no (worthy) reward is that they know that God has called them to this path, and so their reward is obeying God and knowing He is pleased and doing it for Him.
But the problem is I don't know really know. At times I'm completely convicted that this is where I should be and what I should do. And at other times, I'm like: okay, I've gotten a lot out of this already and it's time to move on; this couldn't possibly be what God wants me to do.

Uncertainty. A lot of times when we ask God for direction, we ask motivated by our uncomfortable-ness with uncertainty. We seek God not to seek God but to seek direction.

I know my earthly parents. I know whether or not they would be okay with me doing this or that. I know how to explain my decisions using their reasoning. I know what pleases them. and I know they're proud of me even when I fail. Because I know they know this is not what life is about. Failure is good because you learn from it. And life is not about short-term "success".

And so, I feel like I need to know God, my Heavenly Father, more. So that the more I know God, perhaps the more I'd know about what pleases and honors Him. And thus make wiser, more Godly decisions.

Even in Pain

⁴²"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." ⁴³An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. ⁴⁴And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

⁴⁵When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. ~luke 22

I think it's interesting how after being strengthened by the angel of God, the next verse says "being in anguish". And so it shows how having strength does not mean you won't feel anguish.

And I looked up sweating blood. I couldn't find many case reports of it, except a few. They say it's really rare, and that it happens most often when people are experiencing extreme levels of stress. "multiple blood vessels which are present in a net-like form around the sweat gland constrict under pressure of stress. As the anxiety increases, the blood vessels dilate to the point of rupture. The blood goes into the sweat glands, which push it along with sweat to the surface, presenting as droplets of blood mixed with sweat."

O what pain that Jesus went through. and not just physical pain.

Pain that combines with compassion (and not bitterness). For even in pain, Jesus, on the cross said: "Father, forgive them". And in pain empathizing: "for they do not know what they are doing".

None of us know what we're doing, really. That's why we mess up a lot; we come to the wrong conclusions; we judge people; we harbor sinful feelings and say hurtful things. all because we're messed up ourselves. and now we are called to be perfect as He is perfect. and we are righteous by faith. and there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. and love covers over a multitude of sins.

Thus, let us be united as one in Christ; let us be gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

NIV is so different

An example of how different NIV is from ESV or NKJV

This also happens to be an interesting verse that caught my eye, which is why I looked at the different versions.

Proverbs 18:1

NIV:

An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment

ESV:

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment

NKJV:

A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment

Darby (just for fun):

He that separateth himself seeketh [his] pleasure, he is vehement against all sound wisdom

Well, that was interesting.

And it's interesting how some commentaries say that it can be a good thing because you can interpret the original as isolating yourself from things that hinder, for the sake of pursuing wisdom. biblebrowser.com/proverbs/18-1.htm

Our Father is pleased when...

My mom told me she is happiest when she sees my brother and I playing together, loving each other. And that she is the most upset when we don't get along.

And I was like oh, that's funny, because God is like that too! haha.

Like when brothers and sisters love each other and are united. We're His children. yay.