Playing as a team

The feeling of playing as a team. Feels quite different than playing for yourself.

When I played tennis doubles, I had really awesome doubles partners. It didn't matter if they weren't as good, or if they were super inconsistent. You always said things like" good job". "It's okay". "YEA [insert name]!!" Or you did the racket hi-five. You can't let the others person know that you are disappointed that they just double-faulted twice in a row. Non-performance-oriented approval always. It's always about boosting morale. More than half the game is the mental game.

I really liked doubles. But I also really like singles. The thing about doubles is you can't do anything too funky. You can't hit the ball as hard as you possible can just because you feel like it, even though you know the chances of getting it in are a lot lower when you do that. You can't hit shots you just "feel like" hitting; pride shots. You gotta pick a reasonable risk. (maybe this is why I wasn't good at singles...pride shots). Well, anyway. My point is that it's different; playing for yourself and playing as a team.

And I think in the Kingdom/spiritual sense, it is the same way. Whenever I think about all the Christians in the world working together and helping each other out, it makes me want to work harder. I love the passages in Acts where they say things like "All the believers were together and had everything in common." This is the appeal of many cults right? Live together and share everything and be missional. Is it because the Acts Church was just forming, or because of the individualistic world we live in today that we're not like that?

Don't think about it. Just ask God for direction.

I could not ask for more

Listening to the song "I could not ask for more" (Pandora)

Honestly, I could not ask for more. I have everything anyone could really want really.

Education, family, a comfortable life, friends, God. Contentment, peace.

But I have to admit that I don't have these realizations often. Even though I have much, I still look at qualities or abilities or experiences or personalities or influences or tendencies other people have.

I wouldn't call it envy. I would just call it not being fully secure in who I am and what I have, which is everything. I have everything because I have God. And I will always have God.

Looking forward to that coffee with God! haha. Pastor Paris.

Be a Woman

Dude, the phrase "be a man" is used so much, or just the term. And there are so many thoughts and connotations associated with that. Be responsible, be mature, be considerate, have godly character, don't get angry easily, etc.

But most of the things associated with being a man, also applies to being a woman. But there seems to be a stronger emphasis that guys have to grow up and be men, whereas it seems like girls just become women naturally without even trying. Well, that is true. Because usually "becoming a woman" just means... the estrogen is actually working. Like, just the physical outer appearance stuff. Not the character stuff. Not the proverbs 31 stuff.

Today during my super fail prelim, I wanted to just give up and leave. I had studied the wrong things; there seemed like no point in even trying to lamely write made-up answers. But I told myself that I needed to finally learn to stop being immature, stop trying to escape stuff or have give-up mentality when hardship comes. Be mature, Jamie. Be responsible. What if you were a guy?

I have no idea where that question came from, but it worked. What if I was a guy?

After asking myself that question, my whole mentality changed. I was like, wow, I would definitely have to be responsible and try my best to finish this prelim and try to scrounge up points. And not be angry with the TA or myself or life and throw a mental tantrum. I would have to be mature about this. I studied the wrong things, but now I'm at the prelim; there's no point in getting angry/upset, but just do the best you can and God will be pleased with your heart attitude.

so yea. Be a guy. Be a woman. whatever works to make you see the importance of having Godly character.

Wrestling with God

GAHH!!

ARG!!

So frustrating and confusing sometimes. Random things. Or everything. Life. Whatevers. Anything.

The temptation is to not think about it, or to deny it and claim that everything is fine, but the bottle only has so much capacity before it bubbles over or bursts.

Wrestling. We do it all the time. We do it when we pray: we wrestle in prayer; we wrestle with convictions, with God's word. We wrestle God.

I just think of Jacob wrestling God and not giving up till God blessed him. He definitely needed that blessing from God.

I really want to wrestle God. But there's a different between wrestling God and taking it out on God. Wrestling still carries reverence and fear, and you are still after the heart of God. Taking it out on God is slapping God in the face; it is being pridefully ungratefully angry at God, as if our sense of justice was higher than His. There is a fine line distinction between the two that I need to learn. Between wrestling with God and taking it out on God. You would think that it would be so obvious, since it's clearly very different.

Thankful for My Youth-Group Leader

I wanted to write this post because I've never 'formally/officially' thanked God for this experience/time in my life, and for this person having been in my life. I feel that doing this will help me to remember the memories during those 1-2 years in context of God, instead of simply in context of the emotions or the person. Because, it is God who brought me through those times, and God who taught me in those times, and God who loved me in those times. It is God who brought the people in my life and who changed me. And this serves as a testimony and remembering of sorts. It is good to remember what God has done, as well as what He still is doing.

I am thankful to God for my youth group leader in 6th grade, who loved me with God's love. Every week, I looked forward to Friday because of her.

I am thankful for the conference we went to that summer. It was there that she told me she was leaving our Church and would no longer be my youth group leader. God was there at that moment when she told me this, when my world fell apart at that news. He was also there that night during worship when they played the song "Hungry", and I fell to my knees and cried and cried. More like sobbed.

I'm falling on my knees, Offering all of me.

Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

I told God that I needed Him, because He would never leave me. Everyone else would leave me, but He would never leave me nor forsake me. Then a friend (also in 6th/7th grade) came to me and said to me: "I felt like God wanted me to give you this verse", and he read it to me:

For you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ~Jeremiah 29:13

I hope that I will always remember that God was there during that time, and during the year(s) afterwards when I still missed her. I forget again and again that I need to put my trust and hope in God, not in people (or achievements). These things will fail and/or fade away, but God will never fail.

In December 2002 (I was 12), I wrote in my journal:

"I think that following God is like connecting dots, except the dots form a straight line. The dots are like retreats or going to Church or Christians around you or maybe the Holy Spirit or God. You need them for the line to be straight... There are usually only two dots because you only need two dots--Church, cell group. Only need two dots to draw the line, but the line goes farther than the two dots. It's hard to keep drawing it straight. You need more closer dots. Closer meaning time. Like everyday you need to have an intimate relationship with God, not just Sunday and Friday, but every day- daily devotions, to keep you on a straight path. I think God is telling me this. I need more of Him in my life, like every day. I hope that I don't forget this" ~Jamie Tsai 12/29/2002

And I hope that I don't forget this. That I need thee, God, each day.

What a beautiful journey it is with God. I share this post to preach to myself and remind myself, and so I can look back on this when I forget, as well as share this testimony of what God has done with others. Hopefully it is God-centered and God-glorifying. We need God. God loves us.

Escapism

Just wanted to share a funny conversation I had last week with a sister:

We were talking about life, and agreed that it was complicated and/or hard.

I think that is the context.

[sister]: yea, but I'm kind of escaping life

[me]: what! how?

[sister]: I've been watching TV shows

[me]: Whattt! *slaps her shoulder* you're cheating. You're cheating on life; you need to experience the same amount of pain that I do!

*we both laugh*

Even though we both laughed a lot, and I said it jokingly, you know there is some truth in it!

A Spiritual Battle

Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rules, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms

Ephesians 6:12

We cannot see the spiritual realm, but it is going on.

Every word that comes out of your mouth carries power. Not just for the hearer, but in the spiritual realm. Of course, God protects us, but there is still a battle in the spiritual realm. From your mouth, you carry forth blessings and curses.

So yesterday was particularly strange, because I could not focus at all, nor felt motivated to do school; I had one problem left, but I couldn't bring myself to do it or to care. So, I emailed my mom to pray for me. And then I went to sleep. In the morning, everything was better, and my mom said that she had prayed for me for hours, worshiping and stuff, and that she had said something negative out loud yesterday (the thing she said was related to the reason I couldn't focus, but I'll keep that private for her sake) that might have affected me, since I am her daughter. (I did not talk to my mom yesterday, but things happen in the spiritual realm). She said she felt something lift when she was intercessing for me. (and had some strong physical manifestations as well)

Things like this happen a lot. If you are sensitive, you might feel stuff more easily and need to really pray and worship to protect yourself. For example, sometimes when you go into a store, or a place, you just feel that something is dark in there, or the spiritual atmosphere is not right; or the reverse could happen, and you could go into another place and really feel that God's presence is weighty in there. Spiritual sensitivity is spiritual awareness; it is both a gift and just developed from experiencing God's presence more. My mom definitely has this gift, and when she goes into some spiritually dark place, she is more easily affected (gets sick, spiritually attacked, etc.). But this is also why she is a prayer warrior and intercessor.

I was telling someone yesterday that at the moment I actually do think life has meaning, because everything we do affects everyone else, especially in the spiritual realm. You cannot see what your prayers do, or what your words do, or how your worship has an affect in the spiritual realm, but it does. When my mom visited her close friend, she was just worshiping God downstairs and praying, while her friend was upstairs, but the friend said she felt so peaceful, like she hadn't felt in years. Because we carry God's presence and because God is in us, every place we step into is spiritually affected. This is why we are actually light bearers. You have to believe that you actually do make an impact and have confidence in God who is in you. Have confidence in who you are as sons and daughters of God who carry power.

O God.

I'm so glad that God is able to use all things for the good of those who love Him.

I make so many mistakes. And it sucks. I know this is not eloquent language here, but that's the truth. It sucks to make mistakes.

Especially mistakes that hurt people. Mistakes of not loving people, not seeing them the way God sees them. Not treating them the way God treats them. Not praying for them.

I want so badly, to know that I'm doing the right thing. But after a certain age, there is no right answer. God can give you discernment and wisdom, and you can consult others, but in the end you never know. Like Steve Jobs said: You can only connect the dots looking backwards, never forward.

I still don't know what to do after college. I can't go into materials science; I don't like it, and therefore won't make it in that field.

It is so, so hard to know what is right. Both the path we choose to take in life, and the words we say, and the way we spend our time--what we choose to think about. I can choose to not think about interpersonal interactions and not to think about my future career, and just do psets and study, but is that the right choice? Sure, I'll save time and get more sleep. What is the right choice? Or, am I even capable of blocking out my own thoughts and feelings and desires in the name of efficiency? What if I cannot actually contain these thoughts or feelings anymore?

One thing I know. At the end of the day, all I really want is to love and be loved completely. And that can only happen with God. To love Him and be loved by Him. He already loves me completely, but how do I completely accept that love and love Him back? After that, my life will be complete. My God looks upon me with jealous eyes. and gives me much grace. and knows me. Though I am ugly, He makes me beautiful. I am beautiful because He calls me beautiful.

I thank God that it's not all about me. Such a relief. God's got it all down. And I can trust in Him. And not trust in myself. I do not trust myself anymore. I pray that God would pick up all the pieces I've dropped. and heal all the mistakes and sins of the world. and help us to see Him in all His glory.