O God.

I'm so glad that God is able to use all things for the good of those who love Him.

I make so many mistakes. And it sucks. I know this is not eloquent language here, but that's the truth. It sucks to make mistakes.

Especially mistakes that hurt people. Mistakes of not loving people, not seeing them the way God sees them. Not treating them the way God treats them. Not praying for them.

I want so badly, to know that I'm doing the right thing. But after a certain age, there is no right answer. God can give you discernment and wisdom, and you can consult others, but in the end you never know. Like Steve Jobs said: You can only connect the dots looking backwards, never forward.

I still don't know what to do after college. I can't go into materials science; I don't like it, and therefore won't make it in that field.

It is so, so hard to know what is right. Both the path we choose to take in life, and the words we say, and the way we spend our time--what we choose to think about. I can choose to not think about interpersonal interactions and not to think about my future career, and just do psets and study, but is that the right choice? Sure, I'll save time and get more sleep. What is the right choice? Or, am I even capable of blocking out my own thoughts and feelings and desires in the name of efficiency? What if I cannot actually contain these thoughts or feelings anymore?

One thing I know. At the end of the day, all I really want is to love and be loved completely. And that can only happen with God. To love Him and be loved by Him. He already loves me completely, but how do I completely accept that love and love Him back? After that, my life will be complete. My God looks upon me with jealous eyes. and gives me much grace. and knows me. Though I am ugly, He makes me beautiful. I am beautiful because He calls me beautiful.

I thank God that it's not all about me. Such a relief. God's got it all down. And I can trust in Him. And not trust in myself. I do not trust myself anymore. I pray that God would pick up all the pieces I've dropped. and heal all the mistakes and sins of the world. and help us to see Him in all His glory.