He walks with us

I love when God shows me analogies in my own life that relate to how He loves me.

Today, I was baking a cake with a friend. After baking/making it, we had to store our cake in the fridge on first floor (we live on 5th floor), because we have no fridge space. So I took the cake, put foil over it and carried it to the elevator, and my friend followed along. When we got to the elevator, I turned around and was like "oh, you don't need to come. I can take it downstairs", and she just stood there, leaning against the wall. and she said in Chinese, "wo pei ni" (which means 'I'm accompanying you' except it's sounds more poetic/less formal in Chinese and in Chinese it kind of implies that I'm accompanying you because I want to walk/be with you). And I was like "aww", and she gave me a weird look.

And the weird look is expected because this is a normal everyday situation. There is nothing to "aww" about. Except that I have been thinking "efficiency" the whole day. And it would be more efficient if I took the cake downstairs while she did whatever still needs to be done in the kitchen. So, since I had been in this "efficiency" mindset the whole day, when someone puts efficiency aside just so they can accompany me and be by my side, it is very moving. In my head I was like "aww, really? why would you want to do that? why would you want to accompany me? I live next to you; I see you all the time."

And then as I was preparing to sleep, God showed me an analogy of how He has always accompanied me. And I fall. I fall a lot. and sometimes I don't get back up immediately. And the whole time, God is with me. And as people, we get frustrated with ourselves and we're like "oh man, I messed up again. I made the same mistake; how could I!", and we think about how inefficient we are, always relearning the same things and forgetting God again and again. But in God's eyes, efficiency isn't that important. Because it's not about getting from point A to point B. It's about walking with God. It's about being with Him.

[disclaimer/note: it's okay to be efficient; you do not have to walk me to places just because you read this post! This just happened to be an example that God used to show me how much He loves me. ]

during lecture: written conversation (on our notebooks) paraphrased:

1: "lunch?"

2: "I think I'm gonna go back to dorm to eat leftovers... do you have anyone to eat with?"

1: "God"

Conditional Love

The more we understand and know God's love, the more we see how conditional our love is. And the more we realize how much/often we think (even if subconsciously) that other people's love is also conditional. And of course human love is conditional naturally. But by God's grace and by His love, people can truly care about other people. and so we see glimpses of God's love in other people sometimes. And it's pretty cool.

And the more we realize how sinful we are, the more we appreciate and are grateful for God's non-performance oriented love. because it's a love that has chosen us. because it means that it won't go away just because we mess up all the time and are messed up. And it's not like God didn't know the whole time that we were messed up. It just so happens that we now are starting to realize how messed up we are, and then we automatically assume that God is realizing this at the same time and that He'll reject us now that he knows. But He already knew our hearts even before we realized.
O, how wonderful is such a love. How secure it is to know that it's okay to be weak and messed up. How secure it is to know that we can say to Him, Daddy help me. And to know that He won't judge us for being weak and unstable and ridiculous. Even if we're like that ridiculous little toddler crying and screaming in the restaurant. Even if we can't "behave right". haha.

May we "grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ"
(Eph. 3:18b)

For although we know Him, there is more to know.

Someone yesterday said to me "the people here know me. And they love me even though they know me".

Prelims and scores and being honest with myself

I think over the semesters, people's reactions to prelims become less and less intense, but it probably still affects us even though we may not want to admit it. So I haven't gotten anything back yet, and I've taken three prelims, out of the five that I have for this first round.

And even though in my mind I don't care what I get, I still do. I care, and my scores affect me. When I do badly, I tend to be significantly less motivated to try very hard in that class. (except when I do really really badly, in which case I'd be determined not to fail). And that says a lot about my heart and attitude. and pride. And if that doesn't make sense to you, I can explain it in greater detail.

And today I took a pretty horrible test. Everyone thought it was horrible, and people say that when everyone thinks it's bad, it's okay and you shouldn't worry about it because the mean will be low. But inside, I know that although everyone did badly, I did worse. A lot worse. And afterward, I just ignored thoughts of the test, and was completely unaffected, and continued doing other work. I didn't even feel like complaining or telling people I just took a hard test. And at the end of the day, I thought to myself: 'oh hey, cool. prelims don't affect me anymore.' But they do. I just don't feel it the same way I used to. And I think it'll be easy for me to keep ignoring it. Until I get it back and look at my score. Will I become angry and competitive? Will I hide away and mourn? Or, will I go to God and give it to Him? And hope that one day, I will really be unaffected by my scores (at least not affected as in the way described in the previous paragraph) because He will have changed my heart.

Unless the Lord builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain, you rise early
and stay up late
toiling for food to eat
for He grants sleep to those He loves. ~ psalm 127:1-2

Being honest with myself is hard. I have to face my sinful nature instead of thinking that I can handle things, and that I'm just a calmer, nicer person. Because I'm not. I'm so not. And if you think I am, then you don't know me yet. And maybe no one really knows except God and sometimes myself when He reveals it to me. Yet He still loves me, and He chose me. I didn't do anything.