Presence

MBA's are now in the heart of recruiting/networking season. For those going into consulting, this is when some people are getting invited to "invite-only" events by certain prestigious companies (and possibly having their egos inflated), and everyone else not invited is having FOMO (fear of missing out) about not getting invited.

A consulting firm held a "how to case interview" session today, where they gave tips, a live example, and then also general comments about what they are looking for. Besides great experiences, analytical abilities and creativity, they are also looking for "presence".

I've actually heard other companies talk about this quality too. That they want people who have "presence". And they try to describe "presence" as confidence, excitement, polish, etc. It's one of those qualities that is really hard to describe, but everyone kinda has a sense of what it means.

And that's probably the scariest part about recruiting for consulting. You never really know if you have what they want, because not everything is practice-able or quantifiable. No one ever thinks of themselves as insecure and awkward, or as arrogant and unperceptive. But we can all sense if others are insecure, awkward, arrogant, etc.

Anyway, a lot of craziness going on. It's good to step back, not become arrogant or insecure (those two characteristics usually go together ironically), and to remember that even if you get an interview spot, you only have a 10-15% chance of getting an offer. And whether or not you are invited to these exclusive events, to remember that your value and worth is not based on how the companies see you.

It's good to step back, and remember
1) who you are--you're a child of God; God's beloved. you are loved
2) who you trust-- you've got family and close friends whom you can depend on, whose interactions are strictly "non-evaluative" unlike those of recruiters and colleagues. (aka, you can cry in front of them without being judged as emotional or weak, and you can appear dumb, awkward and not-knowledgeable without being judged, because they either know you too well already and nothing you do can surprise them, or they are so full of love that they don't do the judging thing--aka what the church should be, but most of the time isn't)
3) what's important -- life's not about prestige, and it's not about money. And it's surely not about starwood and airline flight points. Be true to what's important. And that usually links back to #1 and #2, along with whatever you are passionate or compassionate about, relating to humanity and the gospel

Just standing there

Squirrel was basically standing there for 30 seconds. It seemed forever. It wasn't moving. Just standing there. Like one of those movie scenes where the camera-man starts circling around the person while the person stands there in deep thought staring into space. Well, that was this squirrel. Two students on bikes rode past the squirrel and were like: what is it doing?

Definitely put a smile on my face. What an interesting squirrel. yea, well. what was it doing? standing there in the middle of a huge open space, frozen in thought.

Sometimes I get a moment like that, where I'm the one standing there frozen in time while the rest of the world keeps going. Like the NYC scene where everyone else is walking somewhere and one guy is just standing there. Maybe it's because the rest of the world isn't stopping to think, and asking themselves, well, what am I doing?

Of course stopping to think for too long isn't good either. Like the squirrel would probably be shot if it stood there for hours. Or some student would pick it up and give it a good squeeze. (because you know you've always wanted to do that)

New goal

It's not the new year, but I suddenly decided to set a goal for myself, starting today, to get myself together. of course not by my strength, but God's strength--yet faith and actions work together.

Anyway, this is the goal (and I already did all 3 for today)
1. Run for 30 minutes (treadmill or outside) or 45 minutes on the elliptical, 3x per week
2. Read 3 chapters of the bible every day and journal at least 3 sentences
3. 10 push-ups and 30 crunches every day

I know my goals sound trivial and really normal routines for most people. But I really have a hard time running, and usually only run like 5 minutes straight--ellipticals are easier and I can do those for an hour, but I haven't had the patience to do that in forever. I also haven't read the bible every day since high school or college. And I rarely regularly journal.

And I really lack hobbies. When people ask me what I do in my free time, I avoid the question by saying I don't have free time. The truth is that I don't really do anything. I google things, chat with people, write blog posts, research useless things, put things on my calendar, etc. So yea. I have been getting bored and increasingly lonely which hasn't been good. So now I'm going to run, and long term exercise supposedly boosts dopamine levels, which should decrease boredom.

I also tried to get into 3D printing since my building has a 3D printer, but let me tell you a secret. It's not that cool. It's really hard to find anything useful to print and also really hard to design things in 3D. 3D printing is also very slow. So, if you see hype about 3D printing, just know it's not going to take over the world any time soon. So yea. Failed hobby attempt.

Passion

I really admire how passionate people are about things they like. Some of my classmates are passionate about the healthcare industry. Some are passionate about the Women in Leadership conference and are sending us personalized emails telling us to go.

It's funny because, as I was thinking about how I wish I had some passion, I suddenly remembered a time in high school when I played tennis. I was totally obsessed and passionate about getting into Varsity. I had a ball machine and would go practice after dinner every day.

One time, these 2 women were in the court next to me, just casually playing and chatting. And they started talking about me. One of them said to the other: I wish my children were that passionate about something.

I guess I used to be one of those passionate people that others admired.

But you know what. Passion fades. I mean, passion comes from somewhere. Maybe it's an experience you've had. Or another special reason or motivation for why you are passionate about something. For tennis, I just wanted to be someone. I wanted to be glorious and win matches that actually mattered. I wanted to be better than other people. Because that feels good.

And now I feel like I'm past that. Except not really. Career is the new tennis.

What are you passionate about? I can't say that I'm just passionate about being valued. It has to actually be a subject, like healthcare, or supply chain management, or technology or operations. It has to be a story that makes sense to recruiters. But really, at the end of the day, I know what I really want. I want to be expert at something. Why? Because that means I'm creating value, and that I'm valuable.

Recruiting for a completely new industry is stressing me out. I feel like I transplanted myself back to Senior year of college when all the jobless people got together just to talk about how they wished they did computer science-- a time when I felt like I had nothing valuable to offer to recruiters because of my low GPA. Except this time, it's not my GPA, but my introversion and non-outgoing-ness. Around engineers and other introverted people, it was easy to be able to small talk, but now I'm surrounded by super outgoing people, so it's harder.

Just let me say

Tuesday, I was having worship time by myself on the piano with my usual binder of worship songs. I played "Just let me say how much I love you", and "Listen to our hearts"

I haven't chosen songs like that in a while because I didn't feel qualified or real/authentic/genuine singing about how much I love God. I preferred songs about the cross and Jesus, than singing about my love for God. I just wasn't so sure that I was qualified to say that I love God. I'd feel more comfortable singing about His love for me than the other way around. But when I did that on Tuesday--sang those two songs--it was so powerful because I do actually love Him, and the expression in song released what was inside.

I love Him because He first loved me, and my song to Him is a response to His love. 

"Listen to our hearts" also has special significance to me because I can still remember during my college years, one of the 'alum' who had gone MIA during my sophomore or junior year, came back (to God) when I was a senior, and led us in this song on the guitar. At the time, I couldn't even sing the song. All I could do was cry, out of joy that he came back.

And I recorded all of us singing it:

Back from Iceland

Iceland feels like a hidden gem. It's really extremely beautiful, especially if you go on a long enough trip, with "off road" vehicles that can cross through rivers and get you to the beautiful scenic places... (and hopefully it's not raining). Landmannalaugar was my favorite

I felt so incredibly blessed to see all the mountains, sheep, waterfalls, geysers, glaciers--water and ice all in one place! The tour guides said that they are constantly discovering new beautiful places. One of them said that his favorite place in Iceland, he only just discovered 1 month ago.

I think it was by far the most beautiful trip I've been on. And the best part is that none of the places are super touristy. (other than the blue lagoon)

So that's my plug for Iceland. Best time to go is mid-september to october, before the snow hits, but after which you can see the northern lights.

Now preparing for class tomorrow. Listening to music while printing, organizing and reading case studies. Going back to school feels a bit scary. The Alum kept saying how busy we will be, juggling recruiting, homework and "networking"/socializing. I think a couple years ago, I'd have enough energy to handle that, but now I'm just not confident that I have that much energy.

I'm scared, but I know God is with me even in the scariest times, and that my strength is from Him.

The Prodigal Son

Heard this song again on the radio today

 I feel like the prodigal son who has returned home.
The father warmly embraces him and is relentless in pouring out his love towards his son.
It never says how the son feels in response to his father's great love. It only says that at first the son wanted to be a slave,  but it never says afterwards if the son was able to really feel and receive all the love he was given. Or if he felt awkward. I can hardly imagine the younger son being like "Daddy's let's go do this!! Let's go play!" and the relationship being restored immediately to an intimate father-son relationship. Maybe he felt awkward and couldn't fully receive all the love right away.

I think that's how I feel. Or felt.
Free, but awkward.

It's similar to having a father who rarely ever said "I love you" and hugged you, but now does it all the time.

A sister prayed for me and she said she saw me walking in a house that used to be slanted, but now the house was flat/straight, but I was still hesitant to walk because I still felt like it was slanted even though it wasn't anymore.

While listening to the song, I was reminded of a sister who prayed for me. I didn't know her at all; she just felt led to pray for us. When she prayed for me and looked at me, water started coming in her eyes. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes as she spoke. At that moment, I felt God's eyes looking at me and His love towards me, and I knew that He knew. That He knows, and that He feels.

Sometimes you think of the prodigal son's story, and you just think about the big party the father throws, and the ring and cloak, the restoration of sonship. But it's not just the celebration. Father knows the journey it took to come back, and entire experience you had of leaving. Of course, He is the one who leads you back, but He also knows and feels. Sometimes you think of the phrase "forgive and forget", and yes, God forgives you as if it never happened, but that doesn't mean He doesn't also know you intimately.  He looks at me with tear-filled eyes that radiate with love. With these eyes, He says to me: Welcome home Jamie

In Your Hands

I'm going to start blogging again

Really blessed by this song by Melody Hwang
David Hwang, her father, shared this song with me at Singing Waters

https://soundcloud.com/melodyhwangmusic/in-your-hands