Staying at home and not seeing people really makes life less meaningful.
How can there be meaning if there are no people? Imagine a life with just you. Why would you even be interested in the hobbies you're interested in, if you can't show the results to anyone? Why would you want to be successful if there's no one to recognize it?
Everything I do resolves around people.... whether it's achieving greater closeness with people, loving / knowing people, or gaining love / affirmation from people.
I like to say that I don't have any real hobbies; all I really love is people. But my friends always want to call me out on that lie.
Fine. If I really think about it, there are some things I like, that are not influenced by people.
I like walking outside at night when the temperature is nice, and breathing in the cool crisp air. It feels romantic. It feels good. I feel alive. because I can think about deep things at night. I can think about life.
I like boba (milk tea/ bubble tea). And I do like some foods. But my desire for food sort of vanishes when I miss people, when I'm too sad, or when I'm too satisfied with life (that's one of my hypotheses for why I got so skinny in CA). But boba is one of the foods I still can usually desire even when I'm not into food.
I like doing things with my hands, i.e. crafts or building things. But it has to have an emotional element to it. i.e. making cards or photo albums for people. Or be practical (i.e. building a birdhouse for my bird).
I like talking about "deeper" subjects, because through deeper conversations, I hope to find more meaning in life, and I want to be known. One time, a friend told me: "You have a strong desire to be known". When she said that, she had only known me for 4-5 months. I was taken aback, shocked that she could read my soul so quickly. But I played it cool, and was like: "everyone wants to be known". But she was like: "But you have an especially strong desire to be known". and I was like omg. what a mind / soul reader.
So, that's why I blog. All my "deeper" thoughts that have no air time, I put here. Also because, apparently, I want to be known. I love intimacy. This is. One of my hobbies.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
My thoughts and feelings in the midst of covid
I have been sad. Not every day, not every moment. But last week there were a few days when I just cried and cried, and there was no end. I'm better now. Really. Thanks to people in my life, and God's comfort.
I don't know why I am sad. Everyone asks me that, so I try. I try to give an answer. To those who might be able to empathize, or who might care enough to try.
I want to be transparent with my feelings and thoughts, but I also fear that my negativity and sadness will scare people away. And then I'll really be alone. So when I share more broadly, I try to tone it down a bit.
I have judged overly positive articles about how we'll look back and see that all of this was not that bad, that pollution was greatly reduced, people learned to enjoy nature and family, etc. I thought the article was overly naive at the time it was written (>3 weeks ago), and also highly highly insensitive to the very real pain in the world. Part of my sadness or frustration/annoyance comes from overly optimistic or naive people who don't see the pain or the future pain that COVID will cause. Part of me is like they will see the pain in due time, when people start dying, losing their jobs, etc.. But more and more, I am beginning to feel that they will never see what I see because they are just different. We are different. And that is okay. It is okay but it also makes me feel pretty alone in my feelings or thoughts about covid. Like everyone else is either positive about it or, if they are sad, they just pick up hobbies or watch netflix to feel better or try not to think too much about it, whereas my preference is to fully immerse myself in the pain. To fully feel the pain, to learn more about the pain that is going on in the world, to be fully informed, and I can't help but think about the entire domino effect. You can't just shut the whole world down for 2 months and expect things to just recover afterwards. There will be. lasting. damage. Maybe it's because I'm also in Finance, and I do forecasting. And there are some very real frustrations at work with all the different opinions for our forecast.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to hide my sad feelings behind "feeling sad for the world" and pretending to be more altruistic and big picture than I really am so I can have a "legit" excuse for my sadness. but I think not all of my sadness is for the world. Some (or most) of it is (probably) just about me.
Maybe I just need to see people. Maybe if I lived with family or people I was close to, I would be able to be more positive/hopeful about this whole thing. And then, yea I would watch netflix to bond with family too. Maybe I would be more "productive" (the productivity culture also low key annoys me sometimes too. Like can I just rest? lol, jk, I need to be less sensitive I know. Many things annoy me these days but I am trying to remember that everyone is different and also everyone else is just as confused as I am about their true thoughts and feelings)
Maybe I've been too reliant on people instead of leaning on God. Maybe I just don't know how to connect to God. Like I can't sit still for long enough to fully connect. And if I fully connected all the time, I would fully feel His comfort and sweet presence all the time. And be at peace.
Maybe it's unresolved pain from the past. Like I hung out with Jon and his family Saturday and it felt so warm and nice. It felt so good that I got emotional. And I thought: where was this when I lived in the middle of nowhere? But maybe it's not related to the past and it's just that in life crises, you tend to think and reflect upon your entire life (just like when you're about to die). I think it could really just be as simple as: I just miss people and the family-like atmosphere that comes with in-person interaction. I just miss friends and everyone I usually see.
It also could be as simple as: I need more attention. Everyone is hanging with their families. And I'm just seeking love and attention.
Or maybe I am feeling sad for the world and my empathy game is too strong.
Or maybe a combination of everything and more.
Honestly, I don't know. And I don't know if it matters. When I try to figure things out with my own strength, sometimes I just get confused. I need to invite God into my thoughts and let Him lead, even if it seems like a "slower" process. Like okay God, just tell me what the root cause is now, so I can' fix it and get on with life. Thanks. But yea, covid is not going away any time soon. I do need to start connecting with God, opening up to people, reaching out and telling those around me what I need, etc.
So here it is. My not-fully-processed inconclusive thoughts
I don't know why I am sad. Everyone asks me that, so I try. I try to give an answer. To those who might be able to empathize, or who might care enough to try.
I want to be transparent with my feelings and thoughts, but I also fear that my negativity and sadness will scare people away. And then I'll really be alone. So when I share more broadly, I try to tone it down a bit.
I have judged overly positive articles about how we'll look back and see that all of this was not that bad, that pollution was greatly reduced, people learned to enjoy nature and family, etc. I thought the article was overly naive at the time it was written (>3 weeks ago), and also highly highly insensitive to the very real pain in the world. Part of my sadness or frustration/annoyance comes from overly optimistic or naive people who don't see the pain or the future pain that COVID will cause. Part of me is like they will see the pain in due time, when people start dying, losing their jobs, etc.. But more and more, I am beginning to feel that they will never see what I see because they are just different. We are different. And that is okay. It is okay but it also makes me feel pretty alone in my feelings or thoughts about covid. Like everyone else is either positive about it or, if they are sad, they just pick up hobbies or watch netflix to feel better or try not to think too much about it, whereas my preference is to fully immerse myself in the pain. To fully feel the pain, to learn more about the pain that is going on in the world, to be fully informed, and I can't help but think about the entire domino effect. You can't just shut the whole world down for 2 months and expect things to just recover afterwards. There will be. lasting. damage. Maybe it's because I'm also in Finance, and I do forecasting. And there are some very real frustrations at work with all the different opinions for our forecast.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to hide my sad feelings behind "feeling sad for the world" and pretending to be more altruistic and big picture than I really am so I can have a "legit" excuse for my sadness. but I think not all of my sadness is for the world. Some (or most) of it is (probably) just about me.
Maybe I just need to see people. Maybe if I lived with family or people I was close to, I would be able to be more positive/hopeful about this whole thing. And then, yea I would watch netflix to bond with family too. Maybe I would be more "productive" (the productivity culture also low key annoys me sometimes too. Like can I just rest? lol, jk, I need to be less sensitive I know. Many things annoy me these days but I am trying to remember that everyone is different and also everyone else is just as confused as I am about their true thoughts and feelings)
Maybe I've been too reliant on people instead of leaning on God. Maybe I just don't know how to connect to God. Like I can't sit still for long enough to fully connect. And if I fully connected all the time, I would fully feel His comfort and sweet presence all the time. And be at peace.
Maybe it's unresolved pain from the past. Like I hung out with Jon and his family Saturday and it felt so warm and nice. It felt so good that I got emotional. And I thought: where was this when I lived in the middle of nowhere? But maybe it's not related to the past and it's just that in life crises, you tend to think and reflect upon your entire life (just like when you're about to die). I think it could really just be as simple as: I just miss people and the family-like atmosphere that comes with in-person interaction. I just miss friends and everyone I usually see.
It also could be as simple as: I need more attention. Everyone is hanging with their families. And I'm just seeking love and attention.
Or maybe I am feeling sad for the world and my empathy game is too strong.
Or maybe a combination of everything and more.
Honestly, I don't know. And I don't know if it matters. When I try to figure things out with my own strength, sometimes I just get confused. I need to invite God into my thoughts and let Him lead, even if it seems like a "slower" process. Like okay God, just tell me what the root cause is now, so I can' fix it and get on with life. Thanks. But yea, covid is not going away any time soon. I do need to start connecting with God, opening up to people, reaching out and telling those around me what I need, etc.
So here it is. My not-fully-processed inconclusive thoughts
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