Do you love me less?

God favored Abel's offering over Cain's, and then He asked Cain why he was angry. "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?" Unconditional love. In this situation, God still loves Cain; He is just not pleased with the offering/heart. God's love and whether or not He is pleased with our actions are two different things. Sometimes I wrongly think that because God loves me, I am not displeasing or grieving Him. But pleasing God and being loved by God are separate. We are always loved by God; we don't always please Him.

Does God play favorites? Favoritism is a subjective word. In whose point of view does it refer to? It usually refers to the heart of the person who is showing love, like if a parent actually loves one child more than the other-- not when the child perceives the parent to love one over another; it's about the parent's heart, not the child's perception of the parent's heart. Like sometimes my brother thinks my parents are playing favorites because I get to have a laptop and he isn't allowed one. It's just that I'm older and in college, while he is in elementary school. Therefore, he doesn't get a laptop. This is not favoritism. Even if my brother perceives it to be favoritism, it's not. Our perception is often wrong. So, perhaps Cain perceived "favoritism", but it wasn't favoritism. God loved Cain too, but just wasn't pleased with his heart. "For God does not show favoritism" (romans 2:11)

Peter said in Acts 10:34-5 "Now I see how true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fear Him and do what is right"

Just because God chooses some people to do "great" things, doesn't mean He loves the others less. Like Jacob and Esau, Moses and Aaron. It is important to remember that difference. God sent Jesus to die for EVERYONE, not just His disciples, but also for the pharisees whom He loved but was not pleased with. God does choose one person over another for certain roles, but that doesn't mean He loves you less if you weren't chosen for something. Esau wasn't chosen to be the recipient of the birthright. Joseph's brothers weren't chosen to be ruler; Aaron wasn't chosen to be the leader as Moses was. We each have our own roles; we are part of the body. The eyes, the toes, the arm--they're all needed and part of one body.

Even the roles we play in other people's lives are different. We aren't always the star player--the one who your drowning friend in the river shouts for, the one who your troubled friend asks for for advice. If a friend chooses another over you for a particular role in their life, that doesn't (necessarily) mean they love you any less. And we must not compare our roles in the Kingdom. Jesus said to Peter: "If I want [John] to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?" (He said this because Peter was like "what about [John]?" and comparing roles). We're not always the ones to go; sometimes we are the ones who stay back and make sure the home is taken care of. We're not always the ones on stage preaching or leading worship--not even the ones leading the youth; sometimes, we're the ones in the nursery room feeding the toddlers. We're not always the shoulder that gets cried on, the friend who everyone wants to share with; sometimes we watch from the corner and pray. We may not be the most influential, or the person loved by everyone, but God sees our heart, and we all play different roles, and we must not compare. And the point is to focus on God rather than focus on trying to get a prominent role in the Kingdom, or in other people's lives. And when we focus on God and know His heart for compassion and unity, we won't be stumbled into having wrong perceptions of favoritism, and we won't be hurt or sad when we don't get the role we want to play, when it seems like we're not "wanted" or valuable in our community. We please God and are valued by God. Our significance is not determined by activity or value in the community/social network.

But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well

~Matthew 6:33

What must I do to follow Jesus?

It's always interesting to see how Jesus responds differently to similar concerns/questions--like for example, about how we should follow Him. The responses are different because He knows our weaknesses, our idols, what we need, what we need to hear, etc.. And the end goal is for us to follow Jesus with all our mind/heart/strength, in sincerity, giving up everything else and not looking back.

To the rich young ruler, He said to sell everything, give to the poor, and then come follow Him.

To a scribe eager to follow Him, Jesus said "foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests but the Son of Man has no place to rest His head".

To another, Jesus said "let the dead bury the dead, but you go proclaim the Kingdom of God"

To a man who wanted to say goodbye to his family, Jesus said "No one who puts his hand on the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God"[luke 9]

To the crowds traveling with Him, He said "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his mother and father, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple".

"Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." [luke 14]

These verses all remind me of this one about prayer:

"But when he asks he must not doubt, because he who doubts is like the wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." [James 1].

I always felt like these verses in James were very strong. Because I think most people do that--they pray half-heartedly when it comes to things that are "less likely" to be given. Or, what most people do instead is they only ask for 'little' things, because they fear they will be "disappointed" by God when they ask for something greater and it isn't given. And then they say that they don't want to "bother" God by asking for bigger things, or that they are not that important, or that they assume it is not God's will to do anything super miraculous through prayer. Dude, this is our Father. He desires to give good gifts to us. It IS His will to give us good gifts. Do we doubt that?

There is such an emphasis in the bible on whole-heartedly following God. It is a single-minded focus; you must give up everything else; you cannot serve two gods. You cannot look back; you cannot hold onto traditions, family, homes, familiarity, etc. Not to say you can't have traditions, or a family, or a home, but the gist of what Jesus is trying to convey is following Him with all your mind, heart and strength, and not allowing any heart-tuggers to latch onto your heart while you follow Jesus.

"And He said to them: Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you and still more will be added to you. For the one who has, more will be given and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away" Mark4:24-25

So it's like the more we seek the truth, the more we will find the truth; the more we obey His word, the more of His will/revelation will be given to us.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13

----

So the question for me is what do I still need to give up to follow Jesus? What is taking my heart from the Lord? And sometimes it's not any particular concrete thing; it's just my focus. I find that the more I focus on God, the more I am able to love other people--in a way that is real and unconditional; the more I focus on God, the more I am able to love people without fearing that they will (one day) reject or leave/ignore me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor death, neither anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord ~Romans 8

God is mine, and I am His. Forever.

I like long-term relationships/friendships. But what's better is forever relationships.

--But sometimes it's hard to shift our focus to God by ourselves. Sometimes it really helps when other brothers/sisters listen to what we are currently focusing on/struggling with, and then redirect us to God. That's what the family of Christ is here for; we are united as one, as Jesus is one with the Father.

Blogging at night

Blogging at night means your inhibitions are down. Sometimes I regret blogging late at night, because I reveal more weaknesses, and then during the day, I'm like "I'm fine now. shoot, why did I reveal that weakness? I'm totally fine. Everything is fine. Now everyone thinks I am___[insert whatever the post revealed]". Then I tell myself that next time I should only blog when "my mind is clear", whatever that means.

Actually let's figure out what it means. What does my mind "being clear" mean? Doesn't it just mean I'm more protective of myself, of my weaknesses, my thoughts, my emotions? It also means I'm more aware of social norms, what's socially acceptable, and am more concerned about what others think, etc.

So basically, my definition of my mind being "clear" comes from a worldly standpoint. My definition of "clear" has a positive connotation, and is worldly. In essence, I'm saying that my mind is "clear"/better when I have a grip on life, when everything seems fine, and my mind isn't filled with emotions and complex/deep, private thoughts and struggles--when I'm better able to present myself as being "fine". which is a lie. I am never without struggle or weakness. But God's power is made perfect in my weakness, and so I will boast all the more of my weakness

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ~ 2 Cor. 12:9

Knowing Yourself as Deeply Loved

the title says it all. Knowing yourself as deeply loved by God.

How do we know ourselves? Identity is who we experience ourselves to be. We should know ourselves as deeply loved and valued by God. Why are we loved and valued? Just because. Because God is love. Because it is His will to love us. Who are we? We are deeply loved by God. We belong. We belong to Him. We have a home. We have a Father. We are loved. We are deeply loved. We are loved. We are loved.

John Calvin: "There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God."

That makes sense, because if we really know God, we will know ourselves since we are created in His image. And if we really know ourselves, we know God, because He is in us; we are His and He made us. We cannot know our real self apart from Him; we cannot exist without Him.

St. Augustine's prayer: "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee."

Know yourself as deeply loved by God.

--

Favorite quote of the day/week/

"We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of God. What's absent is awareness" ~Richard Rohr

Awareness. Often the power of worship is that we experience God through being aware that He is there. That He is here. And that He is wonderful. God is here. His presence is here. Even as you read this and as I write this. There is nothing more powerful than His presence, than Him. But every moment of the day, not just in worship we can be aware that He is here. Prayer. Meditation. We must be aware that God is with us even in temptation, even in doubt, even in despair. In every hardship. In every boring day. In dreams. In trials.

He is not an imaginary friend. He is powerful. He is real. He can heal you; He knows you.

How can I keep from singing your praise

How can I ever say enough, how amazing is your love.

How can I keep from shouting your name?

I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing.

I can sing in the troubled times, sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step and fall down again

I can sing when you pick me up, sing cause you're there

I can sing cause you hear me Lord, when I call to you in prayer

I can sing with my last breath, sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels and saints around the throne

[repeat forever]

Why do I say that?

Today we learned about the Doppler Effect in physics. and it made me think of a conversation I had with a friend.

One day while walking, an ambulance with sirens sounding, sped past us into the distance. We could hear the sound of the sirens changing as it drove off into the distance

Friend: The Doppler Effect!!!

Me: (gosh), so nerdy

I forgot what my friend's reaction to my comment was. She probably told me to shush, or she pushed me or something.

Why did I say that? Why did I make fun of her application of academics to life? The thing is I didn't even mean it when I said it. I don't really think it's nerdy; I think it's good to (learn to) love what you learn in school and to apply it, and see how amazing God is for creating physics. What I said was kind of automatic for me, something I picked up from being around Asian circles; it seems like something people in Asian circles would say, but perhaps that's just my opinion. I realize that when I say things like that, it can discourage others.

I remember another scenario that is an opposite parallel of this one--because it was encouraging.

I was carrying around textbooks in the dorms before the school year/classes had started. A couple friends were in the hallway and saw me. One friend said: "are you studying already??" I said "oh, no I'm giving these textbooks to someone, but yes, I have started studying." The other friend smiled, looked me in the eye and said genuinely: "good for you!"

I was so encouraged by what she said and her genuineness in saying that. It is so rare.

How easy it is to say: "woww, what! WHY would you do that?" or something similar. Those kind of comments make it easy for people to want to hide the fact that they are studying before school starts--to hide the fact that they are doing something outside of the "cool norm".

I think it's really awesome when people encourage each other to be who they really are, who God has created them to be, to do what God calls them to do, etc.... instead of making discouraging remarks that push people to conform or hide their differences

For all those reading, I'm sorry for the discouraging things I've said to you.

Summer in Ithaca: thoughts so far

I've been here 5 days, and so far I have concluded: Summer in Ithaca is awesome and scary.

It's awesome because I have a freer schedule, yet I'm not bored--at least not the kind of bored that drives people insane, almost literally. Bored of life. It's not that kind. It's relaxing, is what I'm trying to get at. It's relaxing and peaceful, but not lonely, even if I spend a big chunk of time alone.

It's also scary. because something is missing. The pace is slower. People aren't rushing to get to places. They cook and chop vegetables at a relaxed pace and randomly decide to lie on couches in the middle of the day for extended periods of time. Or sit on the slope and observe scenery. Take walks. People make decisions to go places more spontaneously. Everything is chill. You don't plan dinners/events a week in advance. Or at least most people don't. Folding clothes, cleaning, doing dishes, cooking, eating, lounging, walking at a leisurely pace are the things you observe people doing most of the time. It's like life is on pause and we're all living in slow motion. The long grass is swaying in the wind. You are standing in the fields, looking over the miles and miles of grass. It's a beautiful day, blue skies.

While you're in this slow-paced bubble sort-of-dream-life-but-not-really life, the rest of the world is moving right along.

Part of me is like: This is so peaceful! yay! Another part of me is like: dislike! I don't like this. I don't even know who I am, or what I like to do. There's no ambition/competition, but there's also no great excitement. There's no great pain, but also no great anticipation of great things to come. I'm not obsessed; I'm not passionate; I'm not holding on tightly for dear life; I'm not in love; I'm not frustrated with anyone. All these are more extreme emotions. I think, maybe, sometimes I get a subconscious high from these emotions--either from the emotion itself, or from knowing that the emotion is "bad", and wanting to improve/fix my heart. But now, it's almost like there's nothing to "work on", even though there is (which just means I'm not currently pursuing the heart of God). No one else is really stressed or in a bad mood, so there's no relational friction or hardship comforting, or whatever else. I like these things. I like focusing on relationships (with sisters.. for now), having exciting (but not necessarily significant) goals, etc. But that's not what it's about. (which reminds me of my previous blog post "there must be more than this", where I said that there must be more to life than constantly wanting the warmth of friendship and replaying fuzzy memories.) Life is more than exciting little (meaningless) goals and getting a high from relational issues. It's about God.

It's hard to be honest with yourself and not deny that you have a ton of wrong/false statements/beliefs/feelings in you. We fool ourselves lots of times and try to tell ourselves that we do pursue God, when we clearly don't, or that we do have our identity rooted in Christ, when we don't. I admit (and it's hard to admit this because I also have spiritual pride) that my life/focus wasn't centered on God Himself. On knowing God and desiring God. But desiring this feeling, this emotional high of conflicts and closeness, goals and ambitions.

This evening I was listening to Nickelback and related artists, and I felt a lot of energy from listening to slightly angry songs. And it felt really good. But that's so wrong. To want to be angry for the sake of having more energy and passion. (do we spend our emotional energy/passions on junk?)

And I was going to say that I feel like I don't desire anything. But the truth is I do desire many things, and very very greatly but I don't know how to get to them (fear?lack of trust?), so I therefore "don't" desire anything. It's like when people who are afraid of getting hurt don't try to get closer to people. And they tell themselves and others that they're just not the type of people who enjoys having really close friendships. The truth is that they do desire it, but because of their fear, they think they don't desire it. We were created to desire fellowship, with God and others.

I learned a lot about myself from writing this blog post. but gotta remember these two verses:

All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart ~prov 21

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding ~prov 3

God understands us and the world more than we can understand. In the end, we just gotta trust in Him and make sure our heart is following after His.