Summer in Ithaca: thoughts so far

I've been here 5 days, and so far I have concluded: Summer in Ithaca is awesome and scary.

It's awesome because I have a freer schedule, yet I'm not bored--at least not the kind of bored that drives people insane, almost literally. Bored of life. It's not that kind. It's relaxing, is what I'm trying to get at. It's relaxing and peaceful, but not lonely, even if I spend a big chunk of time alone.

It's also scary. because something is missing. The pace is slower. People aren't rushing to get to places. They cook and chop vegetables at a relaxed pace and randomly decide to lie on couches in the middle of the day for extended periods of time. Or sit on the slope and observe scenery. Take walks. People make decisions to go places more spontaneously. Everything is chill. You don't plan dinners/events a week in advance. Or at least most people don't. Folding clothes, cleaning, doing dishes, cooking, eating, lounging, walking at a leisurely pace are the things you observe people doing most of the time. It's like life is on pause and we're all living in slow motion. The long grass is swaying in the wind. You are standing in the fields, looking over the miles and miles of grass. It's a beautiful day, blue skies.

While you're in this slow-paced bubble sort-of-dream-life-but-not-really life, the rest of the world is moving right along.

Part of me is like: This is so peaceful! yay! Another part of me is like: dislike! I don't like this. I don't even know who I am, or what I like to do. There's no ambition/competition, but there's also no great excitement. There's no great pain, but also no great anticipation of great things to come. I'm not obsessed; I'm not passionate; I'm not holding on tightly for dear life; I'm not in love; I'm not frustrated with anyone. All these are more extreme emotions. I think, maybe, sometimes I get a subconscious high from these emotions--either from the emotion itself, or from knowing that the emotion is "bad", and wanting to improve/fix my heart. But now, it's almost like there's nothing to "work on", even though there is (which just means I'm not currently pursuing the heart of God). No one else is really stressed or in a bad mood, so there's no relational friction or hardship comforting, or whatever else. I like these things. I like focusing on relationships (with sisters.. for now), having exciting (but not necessarily significant) goals, etc. But that's not what it's about. (which reminds me of my previous blog post "there must be more than this", where I said that there must be more to life than constantly wanting the warmth of friendship and replaying fuzzy memories.) Life is more than exciting little (meaningless) goals and getting a high from relational issues. It's about God.

It's hard to be honest with yourself and not deny that you have a ton of wrong/false statements/beliefs/feelings in you. We fool ourselves lots of times and try to tell ourselves that we do pursue God, when we clearly don't, or that we do have our identity rooted in Christ, when we don't. I admit (and it's hard to admit this because I also have spiritual pride) that my life/focus wasn't centered on God Himself. On knowing God and desiring God. But desiring this feeling, this emotional high of conflicts and closeness, goals and ambitions.

This evening I was listening to Nickelback and related artists, and I felt a lot of energy from listening to slightly angry songs. And it felt really good. But that's so wrong. To want to be angry for the sake of having more energy and passion. (do we spend our emotional energy/passions on junk?)

And I was going to say that I feel like I don't desire anything. But the truth is I do desire many things, and very very greatly but I don't know how to get to them (fear?lack of trust?), so I therefore "don't" desire anything. It's like when people who are afraid of getting hurt don't try to get closer to people. And they tell themselves and others that they're just not the type of people who enjoys having really close friendships. The truth is that they do desire it, but because of their fear, they think they don't desire it. We were created to desire fellowship, with God and others.

I learned a lot about myself from writing this blog post. but gotta remember these two verses:

All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart ~prov 21

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding ~prov 3

God understands us and the world more than we can understand. In the end, we just gotta trust in Him and make sure our heart is following after His.