One of the great things about the bay area is that there are always conferences going on, and evenings are often free. I've been here 5 months and I've been to 5 conferences here -- not the entire conference, but just dabbling in some of the evenings. I mean, usually it's a Friday night and I can either go home and do nothing, or go to a charismatic conference and enjoy the worship and God's presence.
So this past weekend, I went to a conference 2 nights, with Heidi Baker preaching one night and Will Hart preaching the next night. I got more from Heidi's preaching, but there is one important thing I got from Will's message, which I'll paraphrase here:
Some people think that when they make a wrong decision, they "miss God". Like, oh God told me to marry person A but I married person B so I "missed God's will". But even if you did "miss God's will" for that situation, it's not like God just leaves/abandons you and is like: told you so; see ya; bye.
Choosing California over Indiana has haunted and bothered me for a while now. Before I got the California/Intel job offer, I had felt at peace with Indiana (and it took at least a month to finally be at peace and not be bitter about it). Indiana was also confirmed by multiple prophetic people and prayer. And then California came to me. I was elated but confused. Long story short, I didn't have enough faith for Indiana. I wasn't really sure which one was God's will (probably because honestly, I didn't want to "really" be sure that it was Indiana and not California), so I just chose California. And it's honestly not about the weather or the food or "more things to do" as if I do anything anyway. It's because I really really want/need a tight-knit community and I know myself. It will be so tempting in the middle of nowhere to be bitter again, and lonely and do dumb things.
Anyway, I realized in May that this issue has hindered my walk with God because it decreased my confidence in my ability to hear God's voice. But slowly I've come to realize that I should get over this. God is good and He's never abandoning me. Even Israel pleaded for a King and got one, even though God told them they'd be better without a King. So worst case, it's something like that. God still loves me and I'm still his daughter. And He's still a good God who is always with me and loves me with an overwhelming love.
Part 2 of this long blog post: (semi-relevant to part 1).
My mom talked to me about getting rid of bitterness, and I was like: "I don't have any bitterness. Like, there is literally no one I need to forgive, so why would I have any bitterness?"
But then she said bitterness is whenever you complain or are discontent or don't trust God. And then I remembered ALLLLL of my bitterness while living in the middle of nowhere. And I was like omg, I have so much bitterness from those years when I was such an elitist and thought I deserved better than to live in such a location. I can't say that I've fully repented of elitism; midwest's down-to-earth-ness helped to convert me a bit, but it's really hard to fully get rid of it. Anyway, that was a random side comment about bitterness that I need to address. And trusting God.
