AA Identity

Asian American Identity.

I was in Taiwan last month and we were eating with my mom's NJ friend who happened to be in Taiwan at the same time. She was saying how she bought so many cheap good-looking clothes in Taiwan, and telling me that I should go shopping too.

I was like: it's okay 
But she kept pushing. She recommended some hair clip as well, that looked really asian.
Eventually, something came out of my mouth that surprised even myself, and a few tears rolled out as well.
I was like: I don't like things that look too Asian
She said: You're just like [my daughter]. She says that too
Then I explained: It's because we're already Asian American. We already don't really fit in with white people and also don't really fit in with Asians, so we don't want to make it worse by looking too fob.

We were waiting for a table at a restaurant, and this family friend was just trying to suggest something simple, like shopping, and then I was like tearing.

Among all the types of identity struggles, that's probably the hardest one for me. Like yea, it's probably my fault for surrounding myself with Asian Americans in college, but like in high school, I didn't have a choice. Everyone in class was Asian American. So I got used to it.

Now what I do enjoy doing is telling people about being Asian American because who doesn't like to talk about themselves? But I got completely shut down by this white person the other day. I was explaining how ABC kids in high school try to stay as far away from Chinese culture as possible because they don't want to be like their parents and "uncool", and the white person was like: yea, like every kid in the world basically doesn't want to be like their old parents.

so yea, my story wasn't very "asian american". It was just a normal story of a kid. like any other kid in the US. So yes. poor us, Asian Americans that have to wrestle with identity. But at the end of the day, not really. It's mostly psychological. We play it up a lot. There's no way we should have a harder time than actual internationals. Yet, they often assimilate better than us, because they try harder and don't get turned off by "where are you from" questions. (which, apparently, this Sunday at Church, I was from Japan. But whatever, it was fine; they were really nice).

I don't want to downplay the struggle either of course.

but yea. Identity in Christ. so important to hold onto. It's who we are. gotta remind ourselves every day. It's who I am. loved by You.

Bubble tea

I think I've been obsessed with Asian food recently, and by "Asian food", I really mean bubble tea and sticky rice. Actually Thai food too. But mostly bubble tea and grass jelly.

The funny thing is when I was in Ann Arbor and bubble tea was accessible at 11am, I didn't get it that much. I got it maybe 3 times the whole year.

But now that I'm in Indiana, I'm like: omg, I need to find a bubble tea place, and I don't care if it's 1 hour away and sort of crappy.

I tried making my own bubbles boiling tapioca balls I bought from Indianapolis but they tasted like chemicals. I also made agar tea jello. Today, I bought a steamer and tried to steam sticky rice. I also made Thai Penang red curry. I think tomorrow I'll make mango sweet sticky rice, or attempt to.

It's like an obsession. Last week, I thought about bubble tea like every day. But it's not really that I love bubble tea THAT much, though I kind of do. I think it represents home or warmth or love or friendship or comfort or something warm and fuzzy that I miss. I'm not sure what it is that I'm missing, or when I lost it, but I want it back.

I miss home/family. I miss Globalfoundries. I miss getting 20 emails an hour, all of them "emergencies". I miss making fun of my coworkers, and sending screenshots in very casual emails. I miss hands-on work and getting thanked for fixing problems that I caused. I miss feeling important, getting things done, being the expert. I miss filling my candy jar, tasting my coworker's homemade lunches and eating 1 hour lunches.

I miss family and home. I miss my dad, my mom, my brother and the dog we borrow. I miss going to the little church in Princeton with all our family friends. I miss random family friends spontaneously coming over to eat and joking about everything under the sun.

I actually really appreciated all my friends in Taiwan that I met at Singing Waters Canada, coming out to see me when I was in Taipei. Even though I only knew them for 2 months, they still were so eager to come see me. That was really a surprise for me, and I hadn't felt that kind of love from non-family members in a while.

It really is those warm moments with friends and family that make you come alive. and help you stop clinging to food and vacations/exploring places and 'exciting new things' and all other entertainment in an attempt to self medicate your pain and misery.

But those things don't last forever. Friends take time to develop and young people move around, and it's hard to quickly get close friends every time you move and settle. Family is great, but they're not always there, and you share different things with family than friends. If I had just kept God as my friend, the past few years would have been better.

But it's never to late to start again and rekindle that first love.

only miss the sun when it starts to snow
it's been snowing for a while, and I just didn't realize