Leaving Ithaca one day

Life is so weird. It's like it doesn't even matter. Like nothing really matters at all.

You grow up in a place or two, and then you move onto college, and then you move somewhere else. It's so weird. It's so weird to think that all my college friends come from different places and that half of us will probably go back to our original places, and half of us to new places.

Sometimes it's difficult to zoom in and out on my life like that and remember that my life is bigger than just this small time frame that my mind is focused on, and that this world is bigger than the engineering quad + collegetown + small section of new jersey. Whenever I go into zoom-out-on-life mode, I lose some of my rigor for things like school, and become unfocused. But I can't really snap out of it right now.

Today I thought of what one sister said to me a month ago. I was complaining about my feelings or about life, and how everything is so complicated and ugly. And she just replied: "[Jamie] You are very blessed". That's it. Just a one line reply in the email.

I looked at that line. and felt kinda ashamed.

And then I think of different people and their different lives. I thought of the young girl in Shanghai who was massaging my feet, --and our conversation, and how she said to me in Chinese: "ni hao xin fu o" (o, you are so fortunate). And how sad her eyes were so sad afterwards.

It's so easy just to think of all these things, and to think about the world and the brokenness, and then not want to do any academic work even though every motivated person out there will tell you that your academic work is necessary for helping people in the future. Either it's a training and discipline, or, it'll help people directly (through $$$). But somehow this isn't satisfying enough to motivate me.

Maybe because, everyone in the end always remembers that helping people in this life isn't as important as helping people in the next life (aka, to receive salvation). But, it's always easier to think about helping people practically than helping people spiritually. Because helping people spiritually means we need to help ourselves first, and then we realize that we are able to help people around us now/already, because everyone always needs prayer, to know God. And we ourselves need the most prayer to know God.

I don't think I'm doing well spiritually. Pray for me.

[EDIT]

I just found the answer to life in Psalm 102:11-12

My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass.

But you, O Lord, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations

I need to look at God more. I bet if I saw Jesus and how beautiful He is, and how holy He is, I would have no more questions about anything in life.

I need to see Jesus. forreals