It's been a month!

It's been a month since I last posted! I decided not to blog for a month, for a variety of reasons, none of which I remember unless I look in my journal. The only reason I actually remembered during the month was that I told myself I didn't want to blog for a month, and therefore I was definitely going to keep my word. It was kind of silly, and there were definitely several times that I really wanted to blog, but didn't want to go back on my decision because I wanted my decisions to matter and my will to be powerful. I wanted to know that as long as I decided to do something, that it would be done.

Okay, so, it wasn't that big a deal. But the reasons for doing it, and the way I felt about it, reflects my heart and reasoning for many other decisions and aspects of my life for the past month. In other words, it's hard to let go of control. Not because of the control, but because of the things that fuel the control. fear, anger, hurt, pride, jealousy, selfishness, and the list goes on.

I just read on someone's blog "The reason we do not often receive revelations from God is because we are full of self. We resist revelations for it is often against our nature, ambitions, senses or emotions".

It's true. That is what I have been consciously aware of myself doing this past month. Because thinking takes up too much time. And being convicted makes you feel horrible. And really really loving God makes you count everything as loss. And I think I have a lot right now. But I guess, not enough apparently.

I realized this past weekend that I don't really believe that God loves me more than this. In my mind, I looked at something and was sad because I realized I don't have that and I didn't believe God loved me more than that. And then I looked to God and asked: "God, do you love me more than this?" I didn't wait for an answer. It wasn't a question; it was a complaint. I was sad.

Today someone prayed for me that God would convict me that I need to stop and spend time with Him in His presence, etc., and the whole time he was praying, I was actually afraid of the prayer. I was like: oh no, he's praying the prayer. I was like shoot, it's over. You prayed the prayer for me.

Anyway, this is the update of my life. It probably sounds worse than it actually is, because these are just my revelations, which tend to be convictions of what I'm doing wrong. I also have a lot of praises, like how God has been changing me this past month. How He always seems to know how to soften my heart. How He sends random people to pray for me and speak prophetically into my life. And how I've been learning so much more in school this semester and actually understand a lot of things and therefore enjoying it more, and how I'm making more friends in my major, which I think is absolutely exciting. and how He has healed my heart, except sometimes I forget He has and I try to use it against Him. hehe. Well, so there it is. The update on my life. A brighter conviction this week, was that I should stop using sarcasm to vent out my frustrating feelings towards life. and instead use my words to build people up. I almost felt sad that I was not treating people right. Like the people I see every day are the people that God absolutely loves. Like He looks upon them with fierce jealousy. They are His.

But it's still hard not to occasionally spew out sarcastic satirical vent-ish comments. It feels so good, as if I knew how life worked and how people worked and had the right to comment out of jest.

What comes out of your mouth reflects what's in your heart. If your mind is transformed, you won't see life the same.

okay this took way too long; I will limit my blogging, or limit my length from now on. This was like my 1 month garbage dump, trying to say a hundred things at once and connecting them all