Need to get back up

I guess in the end, only you really know how you're doing spiritually. I turned on my computer out of hibernate to write this. I was about to sleep, but I felt like I had to write this.When I'm living in some deception, the night time is the clearest. It's when I realize what my life is really like. I was afraid that when I woke up the next morning, I'd dismiss everything and think that I'm fine spiritually.

Personal history tells you a lot about your future patterns. Yea, people can change, but you have to actively fight against entropy and be strategic about it and keep asking for help. A lot of the things I do now, and the feelings I feel, remind me of my time alone in Shanghai. It's really amazing what being alone can do to people. It's really hard to worship God alone. Not as in alone in your room, but as in alone alone. When you're not seeing that your whole family in Christ is fighting with you, even if they're not physically with you.

And so I remember a sister's words to me about how it is after-college spiritually: It's hard, but it's good.

It'll be good. I know it will be.

The interesting thing now is that no matter how much I fall (to a certain extent), I'm like Solomon. I can't really enjoy anything else as much I once enjoyed God. Once you've tasted of His goodness and love, there's really nothing else that can satisfy. And the recognition of this comes pretty quickly. You know it. Even as you seek quick pleasures, you know they don't satisfy. So then it comes down to finally getting out of the gutter (or realizing you're there first), and getting back on track, back in the relationship. And this is not just sinful pleasures, but even food, arts & crafts and exploring the city. When God is not there, everything else you look forward to and seek, you are seeking out of a desire to fill the God-sized hole. And it all becomes empty instead of a healthy enjoyment.

The greatest thing about being a daughter of God is that... I'm still a daughter of God. Even now.
Every time this happens, it's like  Hosea 11 and the song How He Loves  at the same time.

I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.