Citizenship

My citizenship is in heaven.

Thank God.

I spent almost the entire day on wikipedia, educating myself on historical events such as the Korean War and Sino-Japan wars, that I didn't really learn in high school, and looking up Wikileaks-related news, and North Korea-related info on google.

However, after a while, I felt that all this was pointless. I am proud to be pro-democracy and pro-justice, but perhaps my feelings go beyond that boundary into feeling superior in other ways. It's nice to have nationalistic feelings towards the country you associate yourself with, but not if it hinders you from seeing the greater picture... not if it hinders you from loving people, despite their beliefs

In the end, all countries will bow to the King of Kings. And I will proud to say then as I am now, that my citizenship is in heaven.

(Also, if you read wikileaks, you can see that every country has flaws, and every country is still motivated by self-interest and is still fearful of the same things)

Your Reality

Your reality is what causes you to become alive.

Some people are zombies when they go to work, but as soon as they come home and head off to a party or to the mall where their friends are, they become alive, their eyes light up, etc. and, basically they become another person. Because of their zombie-like state at work, their coworkers are probably just acquaintancs, since they have no interest in getting to know their coworkers, but simply are just waiting to meet up with friends after work. This situation only highlights 2 aspects/realities, one of which is significantly more 'real' to that person.

Most of us have multiple aspects of our lives, multiple realities. For me, I have work/coworkers, apartment-mates & western interns, Chinese tutors, Church people, Harry Potter novels, God's Word, iPod music/audiobook, Prayer time, etc.. Each of these has a different level of "realness" feel for me. It's not always about the amount of time you spend in each category that determines how real they are to you, because you could spend the most time at work and be the least 'awake' during that time.

I developed this theory yesterday, as I realized that before I started my Chinese private tutoring, I paid more attention to my coworkers and my life at work was slightly more "real"-feeling to me--I looked forward to seeing my coworkers and my eyes lit up more when I saw them,etc. , but since then my Chinese tutoring sessions have ranked higher in realness-feel. Also, I had stopped reading Harry Potter for half a week, but started reading the 4th book again yesterday, and felt that it decreased the realness-feel for other aspects.

But I don't think that when one aspect of your life becomes more real, then the other aspects necessarily become less real. ... but our own love is limited. We are selfish by nature, and when we have something else that makes us come alive, we are tempted to ignore the other things that do not satisfy us as much. But I want to try to keep giving my full self for my coworkers and my work, and the other aspects of my life. --and remember that I can only do this if my love comes from God. I hope that my greatest reality will be God, and that I may fall so in love with Him, that this reality will spill over to every aspect.

Okay. Sorry if this made no sense... it's probably a hit or miss type of thing to understand. I was really encouraged by 2 Peter1:3-11 yesterday, as I realized I am often nearsighted!!

Learn from Cults?

Cults.
What makes them not good?
Wrong Theology. Usually also legalism and an aspect of rigidity/controlling-ness.

The good parts. What draws people in?
The love, obviously. Or, should I say the initial love or love-showering? The friendship, the attention, the warmth, the openness. They live together; they are passionate; they are missional.
They believe in what they do, and they do what they say they beieve in. No one in a cult is lukewearm, unless they are 2nd generations. (the kids/teens)

It's been a while since I first (unknowingly) encountered /got slightly involved with a Church that was borderline cult. I wouldn't call them a cult, because they aren't really. But I remember really loving it, before I realized they were a cult. I remember thinking that it was so awesome that they are actually taking the bible literally! They live together, just like in Acts. Every morning, they pray together. Everything was the same as Acts, except that they didn't care for the spiritual gifts.

Anyway, I was just reminded of this, because a sister told me that she just visited a home fellowship and had the same experience I had when I visited one last Sunday. People in the fellowship asked us very directly "are you a believer?" We were both taken aback by this directness, but felt that it was very good. --very good, as in it is a good thing to do, and very good in the sense that it also felt very good. For me, it was the attention and the caring tone in which they asked whether I was a believer or not. The girl who asked me, practically stopped me in mid-conversation to ask me. It was the kind of tone in which you reach your hand out and touch the other person's shoulder and look in their eyes as you ask them in a concerned yet caring voice, 'are you a believer?'

Because that is what really matters.

Godly Parents

My mom's friend's friend's friend took me to his home fellowship today. Basically it was like 60 people packed in an apartment living room, singing typical Chinese songs, probably stream-of-praise. It was like churchAndcell group all in one go, 30 min of worship, an hour message, then dinner, then discussion. Not much different from the US.

I am so encouraged because this couple that brought me to the fellowship is so nice to me even though they don't even know my mom or anything. They are so interested in getting to know me even though there really is no reason to, and they ask me how everything is, remember what I tell them, and really treat me like I'm their daughter or niece (even though they already have a daughter my age). The couple reminds me of my mom. If you are ever a guest in my home and you understand Chinese, my mom will try to give you 50 years worth of wisdom in her stories, all of which are amazing. Anyway, I really love this couple. They are so in sync with each other and so god-centered in the way they think and in their conversations. When you are around them, you can just feel the love. It is amazing.

My mom just got their phone number from some 3rd hand source and called them and asked them if I could meet them. And then called me and told me to go meet them. You gotta love Moms. They always want the best for you and are willing to go farther than you to get it for you.

This past semester, whenever I heard of (or saw) or thought of people falling away from God, or drifting from God, this protectiveness feeling would sweep over me, like I wanted to go punch the devil in the face and grab these drifting-away people from the drift. and protect them. But the only thing I could do was pray. One time I was reading someone's blog, who was drifting away. and I was reading her thoughts on her blog and found myself yelling at my computer to her out of anger/protectiveness because the devil was deceiving her. Another time, I found myself imagining myself slapping someone really hard who I knew was contemplating suicide. And many times I have imagined myself hugging /locking my arms around someone who was depressed, and not letting go, even though they have this nonchalant, unaffected expression on their face.

I forgot why that was relevant. oh yes, today I was reminded of the protectiveness feeling because I felt it, forgot towards who though. And then I thought to myself that the me from this past semester would probably be feeling very protective of the current me. and praying hard for me. and maybe crying on the inside. And this thought of me crying for me greatly encouraged me. and reminded me of what I used to feel and believe, and how real it used to be. And how much God cries for me.

In Detail

I haven't really complained elaborately for a while, though there are things to complain about. I don't really mean 'complain' though. It's more like describing my thoughts and feelings in detail to someone, except since there are currently more negative realizations and feelings, I call it complaining. And I think that perhaps only when you complain in detail and spit it all out, do you really feel better. Usually because the person listening to you says something Godly that changes your mindset. But sometimes simply because they cared to listen and understand.

Love. because listening is loving. And Love changes your mindset. And often the reason you felt like there was something to complain about was because you had forgotten Love. You had forgotten that you are loved by the One who cannot love you any more or any less because He already loves you fully. You are loved. Did you know that? You are loved. You are loved.

You are loved.

With that being said, it's great to complain in detail to God, to the One who loves you. and then encourage yourself afterwards with His Truth, like what the author of Psalm 42 does, and what I had originally intended this blog to do for me.

Lying for people

I hate doing it. But I've never really been strong enough to "betray" a friend to defend the truth. And most of the time I can't figure out something smart to say to avoid having to say the truth. So I just end up saying "I don't know", which is a lie. Or, "she's not here" when she really is.

I've already lied twice for two diffrent people here, and I felt terrible doing it. I also don't like doing it because I don't like it when there is distance/a barrier between "authority" figures and myself. Or when it's like they're on one side and we're on the the other side.

It's hard to tell the truth.
It's hard to defend the truth.

The Answer

I have found
The Answer is
To love you and be Loved by You alone

Went running with this song replaying over and over again, and I wanted to shout/sing at the people on the streets that line