It's Friday

First Friday after work. Sitting in Panera because I don't have internet yet.
I only learned the TGIF (thank God it's friday) acronym a year ago. I don't like the acronym too much because it sometimes implies this negative just-live-for-the-weekends mentality that I don't believe in. Every day is life, and I thank God for work to do. (but yes, I am tired and glad that it's Friday. I'm awake and alert mentally, but physically super tired)

Thankful for friendly colleagues. Random people who give me advice, and all the people who help train me. I've had so many one-on-one teaching sessions with people this week, with at least 7 different people helping me.

It's weird how the people you interact with--not even hang out with, but simply just interact with-- have so big an influence on your mentality/outlook on things. So, in a couple weeks, I'll be assigned to night shift. There was this one day when I interacted with several permanent day-time employees. They said things like: 'night shift will be hard', 'it will kill you', or asked me why I didn't go for higher education. When the day was over, I almost felt sorry for myself too. I was actually really touched that people cared about me enough to feel sympathetic. Some were fatherly older men who tried to give me advice; some were young moms and such, all older people. But then, the next day, I was with some other new hires, all of whom will be on some of kind of night/late shift, and they all had this ambivalent, or chill attitude about it. And my mindset changed to seeing it as a normal thing, some part of life thing.

But yea, I guess that's why while living life, we need to constantly remember why we're living, what our goal is, and preach to ourselves what we believe in, and what is true and lasting. What is worth living for. and working for. So, yea, it's always important for me to remind myself that this job (and every job, everything) is a blessing from God, and that in everything, small or big, I desire to glorify God in my work and my life, my attitude and heart. And most of all, I am His beloved and precious daughter, whom He loves and is proud of.

Haven't found a Church yet, but hoping to visit one this Sunday that also has an evening service, so that I can go to that when night shift begins.

Surprise one more week at home!

So glad I have one more week at home! I initially was so ready to go to work and stuff, and was pretty excited, but now I have another week because Cornell can't verify my degree until Friday. Slowness.

I really don't like posting photos on this blog or updating actual personal life stuff (that isn't deep). But I guess this will be an exception. here's a good set of pictures of my brother and I from two weeks ago at the local mall. Too good to not share.

Today I played basketball with him, watched him sit on the skateboard and roll down the driveway, and made him walk barefoot on grass to see how it feels. It's supposed to be healthy for you as well, like the electricity from the ground or something is supposed to ... do something. But I didn't tell him that part. 

What I learned these past few weeks are that kids are very moldable, but it takes a lot of creativity, wisdom and effort to train them in the right direction. My brothers complains a lot sometimes, and  sometimes says things like "you will never take me to [insert restaurant]" in order to try to manipulate you into promising to take him there. Today, I suddenly remembered the thing I had learned at the alabaster retreat 6 months ago, about how that pastor always makes his kids tell him what they're thankful for. So, I was like "you complain too much; tell me 5 things you're thankful for today". It was good. He named 4 things. 

Sigh. Inside, everyone's an immature kid. We just don't see it, but we are. 

Okay good. I made some semi-deep comment. haha. just kidding. 

Protecting

To fear the Lord is to hate evil ~Proverbs 8:13

My hatred for evil has definitely decreased a lot since coming back home. I remember last month, when a brother said he was going to Shanghai by himself to intern for the summer, I was like: !!!!!! NOOOO..! don't fall away! !! and I made plans to email him and ask brothers to email him

But now I'm like eh. Not as protective or alert about the spiritual wellbeing of my brothers/sisters

Today, a brother (CBS alum that I barely know) who lives in Albany area contacted me, saying "Hey Jamie, Just checking up" and asked if I had moved in yet, and offered to help me find a Church. He warned me not to forget to find a community in the midst of settling in, and said he could introduce me to his fiance for sisterly support. And ended the message with urging me not to feel lonely because there are definitely people around, and urged me to stay strong and close to God. "Don't forget to pray" was the last sentence.

It hit me that I haven't really been communicating with God. And I realized that I also currently don't really feel protective of my brothers and sisters as he does. ... And I also don't hate sin very much, as I am slipping into sin.

I need to remember what sin does. How it steals, kills and destroys. I need God's love to love people. If I really loved people, I would care more that they know God, than that they know me. I realized that, for us CBS alum, it's more important to make sure people are not slipping away, than it is to "keep in touch".

My (11 yr old) brother has been reminding me to spend time with God. Last week, he was upset because he said I never spend time with him anymore. It was humbling to hear, because I always assumed that I must be a wonderful sister if he likes me so much. At first I was pretty defensive and said it was his fault because he doesn't do anything I would want to do with him. Ten minutes later, I came back and told him I would spend an hour with him every day from now on, but that I also have to spend an hour with God too because if I don't spend time with God, then I can't love people, b/c love comes from God. He liked that. So now after I play with him, he asks me if I'm going to go spend time with God. And I'm like yes.

Rich or poor, God I want you more
than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire
~All we need by Charlie Hall

Books I'm reading

I got a kindle 2 weeks ago. (Battery life is amazing; haven't ever charged it yet, and it's still more than 50%)

Anyway, let me know if you're reading something interesting or would like to join me. I like to read many books at once because I get bored reading just one book in a sitting. And I have a kindle now, so it's easy to do that. (Must be easy to read... not written very boringly or dully. ie. I have trouble reading some books by old authors)

So, a few I'm already starting to read are:
Shame Interrupted (which RC is also reading);
The Radical Reformission: Reaching out without Selling out. (the intro was quite interesting; I figured it would help me figure out how to find a church, as well as what the Christian life and Church should look like)
Hosting the Presence: Unveiling Heaven's Agenda. (just because i've always wanted to know how that "works", why in some prayer meetings or worship events, God's presence is so strong and in others, it is not as strong... always wanted to know more about "Hosting" God's presence. Never read a Bill Johnson book, but figured he would have some deep insight/revelation on this subject)

--
Still can't believe I'm done with college. Probably won't fully realize it until late August. Gah.
But I thank God for blessing me so much in so many ways. Yay for life. At these reflective points in time, Ecclesiastes is always a good reminder. That everything we are insecure about will pass away and is meaningless. God is our rock, our savior and our foundation forever.

Generations come and generations go,
but the Earth remains forever


Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books. It talks about all kinds of meaninglessnesses and all kinds of pain and unfairness in life. In the end, you know what? It doesn't matter. Only God remains.

A Change of Perspective

Only old friends can tell you that you've changed, because they know who you were before.
And they know how you've changed, and usually they can pick out why as well.

Only family will keep reminding you the same things over and over again.
Impatience and annoyance of the reminders only show us how far we are from God's love and understanding

Only God can give you true love that makes you secure, that helps you see things outside the drama, instead of being caught up in it. Instead of being caught up in worldliness and competition and insecurity and manipulation, knowing God's love helps you see a bigger perspective and get out of yourself. It helps you be okay with things, because His love covers over a multitude of sins.

And other mature Christians also help give you that Godly perspective, help pull you out of that ungodly perspective on life. Someone told me today how much I've changed and become more worldly, compared to previous years. I knew I was worldly last semester, but I thought I had changed back this semester. I guess not completely. Grateful for the body of Christ that tells me things I can't see, and encourages me in the right direction.

--

It's so hard to find time alone when I'm home. Only when my brother sleeps... do I have alone time. It's like I have kids already or something. I remember Brian Johnson saying to spend as much time as you can with God when you're single, because after you get married and have kids, your time is not really your own. Yes, you can still and should spend time with God, but not as much. He says after he got married he did rely a lot on the foundation of relationship he built with God when he was single. It kind of makes sense. When my brother is awake, I can't even play a worship song without him asking me questions. And I'm always nervous that someone will interrupt my time with God and that I won't be able to really focus. But maybe I'm also being too selfish with my time as well. Even though I'm single, my time is still not my own. It's God's. And maybe heeding interruptions is more pleasing to God sometimes. But anyway, time with God is necessary and precious. Quality time.

Never counted

Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.

I've always read through that without it really hitting me.
I am that person, whose sin the Lord will never count against me.

Yes, sin is bad, and this is not an excuse to sin or anything. But sometimes we need to put those defensive theological thoughts down and just focus on that verse, and really get it. Sometimes we try so hard to balance the bible, that we don't see the fullness of each side. The fullness of grace, and at the same time, the full capacity of God's hatred for sin and how it destroys us. We need to see the complete intensity of both. Balancing them out in our head/minds sometimes just leads to not seeing/feeling/getting the depth of each part.

I've always had the balancing-it-out-with-other-verses-in-the-bible mentality, so I didn't catch how serious and strong this verse in Romans 4 was. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him. Then I would think: yea, it's because we are righteous through Jesus. And then if I think deeper (which I probably didn't before), then I might think: but remember, although this verse is true, sin is bad; don't discount that. And then I would totally miss what the verse is saying.

Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him. I read this a couple days ago, and I became SO EXCITED afterwards. I felt so loved. Imagine what kind of love it takes to say that. Blessed is the person whose sin I will never count against him. God chose to send Jesus because He wanted my sins to never count against me. Because He doesn't ever really want to be against me. He wants to be with me. It's amazing.

Was Jesus punished enough? Was Jesus judged enough? There's no way he could have been punished or judged more. It was the perfect and ultimate sacrifice. And it was finished then. And now:
Blessed are we, because God will never count our sins against us. Because that's what He wanted for us and Him.

To be in the world, but not of it

This has been on my mind a lot more, since Shanghai. 

Sigh.

It's so hard to be in the world and not be worldly. Sometimes even talking a lot about clothes and appearances and worldly values/things like wanting your kid to be cool and play sports, really distracts me. Sure, during the conversation, I agree with everyone. Yea, I want my kid to play music and sports. Yea, I think that actress is pretty. Yea, I have no idea what brands of jeans exist. Yea, so how much muscle can guys gain in a month? blah blah. It's not what you say or ask, but your overall attitude, or the overall attitude/tone of the people in the conversation. Sometimes the conversation just becomes very worldly--not just because of what we say and talk about, but the attitude/motivation behind it, and then I just feel gross afterwards. And then later I think about the truth of the whole attitude of the conversation, and I realize it's so wrong. I was wrong. Dude, it's not about how cool your kids are, or how smart they are. This life is so fleeting. In the end, it doesn't matter. Your kids' value is not on how cool they are. Your value is not on how cool your kids are. We should love people who aren't cool. who don't play sports or music. who are awkward and not classy. 

I'm not saying that we didn't know that. The people in the conversation were simply stating what they thought was cool. It's totally fine. It's just me; I haven't been deeply rooting my security in Christ...because I came out of the conversation feeling quite self-conscious about how uncool I was, and how un-worldly-savvy I was (how little I knew about the world and its values)

Sigh. I think the problem is that the more time you spend in the world, the more time you will have to spend renewing yourself with the truth afterwards because of how the worldly mentalities will inevitably affect you. 

The more you want to be in the world and change the world, the more (quality) time you have to spend with God, renewing yourself. Or else you'll just get sucked in. 

Another related tangent: On the cruise, there was some crude humor. I didn't know how to react to it. I just got a bit upset, and I thought that was good that I got upset. But at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was being "too religious", as the saying goes. 

But yea, in summary, god-filled conversations are the best. Sometimes Christians have conversations about godly concerns , yet it still seems like God is not in the conversation.