I have family

as I was sitting in my room, it hit me that I have family in Taiwan.

Especially thinking about all my cousins on my mom's side, four of them girls, and two of them my age.

I have another world in Taiwan. And I missed it--I missed growing up with them, though I saw them every few years. I realized this when I saw two of my cousins from different families/parents interacting. They were so close. and I realized I had missed it. I was their cousin too, but they had grown up together, in the same culture and country.

But I guess now thinking about it, I have family all over the world. in different cultures and countries. The only problem is I don't think of them as family. Once in a while, I remember that they are called family, because we are in Christ. But if I really believed that I had family all over the world, I'd live differently and think differently. I'd pray for them and give them money. I'd love them.

"But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually believe these things I have to do something about them. It is so, so cumbersome to believe anything." -Donald Miller, in Blue like Jazz

It's a different world out there. Actually, there are so many different worlds. But sometimes it's easier not to notice.

Nooooo

Nooo. School is starting.

first week's okay. and so is second week. maybe third.

Then school actually starts.

This is maybe the first time I want to stay home. Stay home, eat apples, apply to jobs, pretend to read textbooks. Read magazines about the decline of America instead.

and listen to my mom's cheery voice.

Well, the bright side is that I get to move around. Every two months, I enter a new state or city or country. Readjust, come back, readjust again. Woo. Carefree Nomad.

But sometimes when we go on vacation, we're not really adjusting to our surroundings. We go there to get something out of it, to bring something back. When we walk on the streets, we're not looking to understand the place, we're looking for a special experience, a unique gift, a picture-worthy scene. Something to bring back. Get something out of the trip.

But when you begin to fall in love with the place, you begin to think about what could you give to it, instead of what you can get from it. Sometimes you even think about what you can bring from your hometown to give to the new place. Not just materials goods, but skills, culture, experience, etc. When you begin to love a place and the people, you think about what you could offer them, what you could give them. And then, you adopt some of their culture and adjust to some of their thinking.

I really love Shanghai, and being there has changed me a little, but once I get immersed into Cornell life, I'll change back and readjust back. I don't want to change. I can't explain how I've changed; it's something you just have to sense. Big cities are a dangerous place; people change there. Not a good change, nor a bad change, strictly speaking.

It's the same with God. Sometimes you know there are certain conferences or meetings or people you want to avoid. because God often uses those certain ones to change you. Sometimes you don't want to change.

But God is like that. He changes you anyway. Because He melts your heart of stone. My heart is probably titanium. In three weeks it'll probably be squishy. I bet. God does that. He loves me too much.

Donald Miller quotes

Donald miller has the best quotes ever.

"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don't really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and can prove He doesn't exist, and there are some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care" -Donald Miller

"Humans are constantly, and in every way, comparing themselves to one another, which, given the brief nature of their existence, seems an oddity and, for that matter, a waste. Nevertheless, this is the driving influence behind every human's social development, their emotional health and sense of joy, and sadly, their greatest tragedies. It is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pinning for that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working. The greater tragedy is that very few people understand they have the disease. This seems strange as well because it is obvious. To be sure, it is killing them, and yet sustaining their social and economic systems. They are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem."

Back Home

Back at home after 2.5 months of roaming around china + taiwan

Everything is slower here. There's like grass.

Man, I love NJ. It's like family life, while Shanghai was like singles-life. Go wherever you want, do whatever you want. I love Shanghai. You meet people wherever you go and they like to talk to you. I miss Shanghai. I miss my coworkers and Chinese teachers. They're so cute. I gave them all the proxy I used to access fb. When I gave it to them, I felt like I had accomplished something major in China-- that even if they forget me, at least they got something out of knowing me. That at least I was useful.

But now I'm back home, and I love the US. Maybe with a different love, a love of familiarity. So thankful for email and facebook. It was almost hard for me to remember that I had a life back at home. and friends. Like real friends.

It was hard for me to remember the Cornell Christian community; CBS and COAH seemed fake at times. What instead became more real to me was my Cornell education, my grades, my career direction, my appearance.

because in asia, that's what's important. I got so many compliments/statements of recognition this summer for going to Cornell. I haven't gotten that since 3 years ago when I first got in, so I was a bit baffled at first. But then later, I kind of liked it and wanted it. It was an easy shortcut to respect without even doing anything.

And that sums up my summer. It's easy to lose God, and it's also easy to lose everything else, like your soul. It really is a fight. A fight for passion. For your heart. To get it back. For God.

Death

Sometimes it takes a funeral to remind you that this life is temporary, that there's no point in seeking after the same things the world seeks after, that pride is pointless, and youth is fleeting.

Sometimes it takes a funeral to remind you how precious and beautiful and unique each person is, and how they affect many other lives. And how sad it would be if they died without knowing God.

I attended my grandmother's funeral today; it was beautiful.

A Christian funeral.

I am so glad my grandma accepted Christ in her old age; otherwise I might have cried my eyes out. I still have 2 unsaved grandparents, and all of my uncles and aunt. The easiest time for people to accept God is when they are dying. So, you keep telling them testimonies of God working in your life, and even though they do not accept now, when they are on their deathbed, they will realize that deep inside, what you said all those years is true. But what scares me is not everyone dies on a deathbed.

--

My grandma's death timing is a testimony in itself. Our second day in Taiwan, my grandma's heart stopped beating. My mom had prayed that God would allow my grandma to live until we came back. When my uncle visited a catholic church in turkey, he lit 2 candles. He said when he lit the first candle, he said to God "my mom believes in your faith; let her go at a good time" (he himself is not a believer). And so the timing really was perfect; my grandma had been unconscious in the hospital for 4 years already. But she chose to go right when we came back, and 5 days later, today, there was a vacant funeral opening, and so we were even able to attend her funeral, including the incineration and burial.

Also, on the day that my grandma died, my mom had stomach pains; right when my grandma started spitting blood, my mom's stomach pain was so intense that she was making noises in the taxi; we even told the taxi driver to go to the hospital. Right then, we got a phone call about my grandma about to die. We didn't get to see her before she died; we arrived in the hospital an hour later and got to take a last look and pray for her.

So beautiful. The entire family (my family and my 2 maternal uncles' families) getting together, standing around the grave singing Amazing Grace, even though none of them are Christian. Both the Christian funerals of their parents (my grandparents) were testimonies for them, or at least an exposure to the Christian faith, something quite rare in Taiwan.

Citizenship

My citizenship is in heaven.

Thank God.

I spent almost the entire day on wikipedia, educating myself on historical events such as the Korean War and Sino-Japan wars, that I didn't really learn in high school, and looking up Wikileaks-related news, and North Korea-related info on google.

However, after a while, I felt that all this was pointless. I am proud to be pro-democracy and pro-justice, but perhaps my feelings go beyond that boundary into feeling superior in other ways. It's nice to have nationalistic feelings towards the country you associate yourself with, but not if it hinders you from seeing the greater picture... not if it hinders you from loving people, despite their beliefs

In the end, all countries will bow to the King of Kings. And I will proud to say then as I am now, that my citizenship is in heaven.

(Also, if you read wikileaks, you can see that every country has flaws, and every country is still motivated by self-interest and is still fearful of the same things)

Your Reality

Your reality is what causes you to become alive.

Some people are zombies when they go to work, but as soon as they come home and head off to a party or to the mall where their friends are, they become alive, their eyes light up, etc. and, basically they become another person. Because of their zombie-like state at work, their coworkers are probably just acquaintancs, since they have no interest in getting to know their coworkers, but simply are just waiting to meet up with friends after work. This situation only highlights 2 aspects/realities, one of which is significantly more 'real' to that person.

Most of us have multiple aspects of our lives, multiple realities. For me, I have work/coworkers, apartment-mates & western interns, Chinese tutors, Church people, Harry Potter novels, God's Word, iPod music/audiobook, Prayer time, etc.. Each of these has a different level of "realness" feel for me. It's not always about the amount of time you spend in each category that determines how real they are to you, because you could spend the most time at work and be the least 'awake' during that time.

I developed this theory yesterday, as I realized that before I started my Chinese private tutoring, I paid more attention to my coworkers and my life at work was slightly more "real"-feeling to me--I looked forward to seeing my coworkers and my eyes lit up more when I saw them,etc. , but since then my Chinese tutoring sessions have ranked higher in realness-feel. Also, I had stopped reading Harry Potter for half a week, but started reading the 4th book again yesterday, and felt that it decreased the realness-feel for other aspects.

But I don't think that when one aspect of your life becomes more real, then the other aspects necessarily become less real. ... but our own love is limited. We are selfish by nature, and when we have something else that makes us come alive, we are tempted to ignore the other things that do not satisfy us as much. But I want to try to keep giving my full self for my coworkers and my work, and the other aspects of my life. --and remember that I can only do this if my love comes from God. I hope that my greatest reality will be God, and that I may fall so in love with Him, that this reality will spill over to every aspect.

Okay. Sorry if this made no sense... it's probably a hit or miss type of thing to understand. I was really encouraged by 2 Peter1:3-11 yesterday, as I realized I am often nearsighted!!