Impatience

I have a lot on my heart that I would like to blog about. I almost feel like I should lay them all out and decide which one is more worthy of a post. I feel like that girl in office hours who stopped this guy from asking the TA questions. So the guy had called the TA over and was about to ask a question when the girl was like: "STOP. Don't waste questions!" Apparently she thought he was going to ask a stupid question. It was so funny. The TA laughed for several minutes. But it's true; we all think that--don't waste questions. Office hours are precious; you have to fight for the TA. Don't waste questions. If we're friends, and I already asked that question, don't ask the TA that question; I'll explain to you the answer to that question later. Ask another question.

In the same way, I don't want to waste words or say things that are meaningless. But of course in my opinion, all this is important. Anyway.

Impatience.

When I think of impatience, I think of someone who is waiting impatiently in line, or waiting impatiently in traffic, or waiting impatiently for his wife who is taking a long time to get ready. But today, I realized that impatience is more than just these images that I have in my mind.

I always imagined myself to be a patient person, because I think of myself as really chill in regard to daily life things. But, I am an impatient person. I realized today (yes, kind of late in life to realize this.)

The speaker today at the retreat was talking about how to differentiate the voice of the Holy Spirit from your own voice. He said that one of the key things about your own voice is that it is impatient and self-focused. The Spirit's voice is softer, and more persistent--so if you wait a while, He'll still be saying the same thing. Whether you're energized or tired, the Holy Spirit will not change what He is saying, even a week later. So, this is one way to discern whether things are coming from Him or yourself.

This really resonated with me. because I've been really impatient recently. During worship, it's hard for my mind to focus on God. I think about other things as a result of my impatience--because I want to figure things out NOW instead of thinking about them later. I want to do my planning now; I want to think about certain things now, even though there's no use in thinking about them. And I ask God what I should do, or which direction to take, but I ask out of impatience. I'm not asking like the disciple John asked Jesus who it is who would betray Him. I feel like John asked because he loved Jesus and knew that Jesus loved him and was secure in this, and so he felt like he could ask.

It's like asking a friend "who is it?" You probably ask out of love, and out of a confidence in your friendship, not out of impatience or for the sake of knowing. Whether or not you know will not affect the friendship.

In the same way, whether or not I know my future or which direction God wants me to take, or where God wants me to go, should not affect my friendship with God. I realized that I've been asking out of impatience to know. not out of friendship. I want to know for myself. I'm not asking God the way John the disciple asked God.

John 13:25

..leaning back on Jesus' breast, [John] said to Him, "Lord, who is it?" (NKJV)

Leaning back against Jesus, [John] asked Him "Lord, who is it?" (NIV)

I want to do that. Lean back against Jesus and ask Him things.

not really to ask Him things, but to lean back against Him.

There must be more than this (2)

This is my second blog entry entitled There must be more than this.

Because that is how I feel: there must be more than this. What's the point of constantly making the same mistakes, constantly seeking the same things, having the same tendencies, falling into the same traps? And every time God picks me up, I realize: there must be more than this. A friend asked: is life circular or linear? It is circular, but it can be more linear. God is drawing us to Himself. Maybe it can be like the wheel of a car, moving circularly, but still moving forward. And each time we re-enter into a similar cycle/phase of life, it is a little different.

Sometimes when I feel alone, I look for deeper conversations. I try to create them.

because it's satisfying. to me at least.

When you talk about something deeper than food and work and jokes, it's more satisfying. Sometimes you learn new things about other people, or about life. Sometimes you realize things about yourself you never knew. Most of the time, you just want to listen and be listened to. You want to feel connected. You want to be understood or valued. You want answers.

But. still.

There must be more than this. There must be more to life than deep conversations. I realized that deep conversations still feel empty when God is not in them. After a while of just talking about life and how complex it is, or relationships and how complicated they are, or about the Church and its weaknesses, it's like... okay. now what? Why did we just talk about that? What was the point? Nothing has meaning in itself. But God gives meaning.

If God is in the conversation and you invite Him to direct the conversation, and you desire to please Him, then all your conversations will be meaningful, and come from a godly perspective. Even the simplest conversations. Your reason for those conversations will be completely different, God-centered. Instead of simply just talking and trying to obtain satisfaction, or just complaining or just feeding off each others' opinions or bitterness or judgments, you are speaking another language, talking and walking for a greater purpose. You are encouraging and growing closer to God. You are imparting Love and Truth. Just as God's Word is powerful, our words are powerful. Our life is impactful. Like prayer.

I miss talking about God, about how wonderful He is, about how He knows everything, how He works in everything. Even when things are really complicated. I miss the times when I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life, everything I see reminds me of what He is doing in my life.

Yet I do agree that at times, it is difficult to focus on God, on His Kingdom and eternal things. Especially when things occur, problems arise, stuff preoccupies your mind, distracting you from class, from focusing, from everything, from life itself. And you're like: what the heck? If God is my rock, why is this happening? Is God not my rock? Have I been deceiving myself? Why am I feeling this way? But God is gracious and compassionate. He graciously reveals to us our weaknesses, and strengthens us. Because He loves us.

"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused." (Hosea 11)

Lord, I know I am yours. And you will not give me up. I am yours forever, and I am not afraid.

Short post preceding a busy week

I am pretty "scared" for a couple of my prelims this week, or maybe just one. As in, mentally scared, not emotionally scared... actually it's hard for me to get scared over these things. Anyway, I'm logically scared. Or, I should be scared. Or rather, if I was not me, I would be scared. Basically, I have a very good reason to be scared, but it's not hitting me. I'm not sure if it ever will.

Anyway, something I shared with someone recently is that I've been learning to love and desire learning. And that the mindset I have now is that I'd rather do poorly on a prelim by making stupid out-of-my-control mistakes but understand everything decently well, than do well on my prelim out of luck but not understand very much. Basically, I'd rather understand and learn than do well. There is a correlation between the two, but the mindset makes a difference in how you approach homework and studying. Are you studying to get a good grade, or studying to learn? Are you doing homework to finish the homework so you can check it off of your to-do list and move on to do the next thing, or are you using the homework as a tool to help you learn the material?

Yet at the same time, outside of this new learning mindset I'm trying to get used to, I have to consider all of this meaningless compared to eternal things. I have to be ready to, at any given moment, give up everything that I am working for, everything that I have worked for, everything that I have been given, everything that I like and am comfortable with, to follow Jesus. And in imagining this, it helps me when I'm specific about the things I'm giving up. I often just imagine transferring out of Cornell, and if I would be okay with that. It's hard, but it reminds me that my heart needs to be so attached to God that I would give up everything to go where He wants me to go. And concerning eternal things, I should be eagerly giving up everything to pursue them. Like the man who sold everything to buy that field where the treasure was.

I have everything because I have God. What more can I lose?

and yet, it's hard isn't it? We still do think about it as "giving up everything". But it should be called "giving up nothing", since that "everything" is like "nothing".

It's hard to think about these things. It's uncomfortable to think about these things. It's easier to not think about it. But it's also dangerous (for me at least) to not think about it. Because when I finally do come around to thinking about it, I will already have invested my heart in worldly things and I will be in despair when I realize how all that I had invested in and valued was meaningless. But my hope now, is that I continue to realize the temporal nature of the things I am doing, even while I strive to do them well to glorify and please God.

Will it still be the same?

When I leave college, will it be the same?

What is "it"? Will what still be the same? doesn't matter. This is one of those free-form questions that are good for people who want to talk. Since the question is pretty vague, they can answer whatever question they perceive that the question is really asking.

When I leave this place, will it still be the same?

Yes. Yes, it will still be the same. No, it won't be, but yes it will be.

If you didn't understand the line above, you're using your mind. This is one of those times when you have to look deep in the person's eyes, beyond what they are literally saying, and try to see what they are REALLY saying. This usually involves guessing and intuition haha. [by the way, I can show you what this eye contact looks like. But actually what I mean is not that you should literally look deep into someone's eyes, but that you should just get the gist of what they are saying...]

---

The word "same" changes meaning depending on how you are viewing the word, (because you can't compare everything down to the molecules.. you have to choose your point of comparison).

Think about this question: "Do you feel that home and school are the same?" If you interpret it literally (or in a strange way), you would ask: what kind of question is that!? of course not. The windows in my house are different from the ones in my dorm! .... ... okay. but obviously the question-asker was referring to something else (more significant) besides the windows when he asked if they were the same.

I'm sure they've done experiments where they ask people a question and then see what the people think they are really asking.

This is why our minds have to be set on things above, and transformed by God. Even the way we perceive what questions are really asking is dependent on what we value, how we think, etc.

So will it be the same after college? will it be the same after marriage?

Yes.

why is it the same? Because God is with me. And He is with me after college. And He is always with me. And with that definition, I say yes. It will be the same.

[disclaimer: don't get upset at my post. I am not intending to be insensitive to change and how change is sometimes difficult. I am only pointing out one example of how having our minds transformed by God is important and affects everything/our perception of questions, even.]

Two things I respect

Today I realized 2 things that I respect. These are not the only two things, just two I thought of today.

1.) global focus

Right before thermo recitation began, several people stood up and left. As one of them was heading out the door, I gave him a questioning look. He came over and told me that the President of Czech Republic was speaking. He lifted his hands as a balance scale and was like "thermo recitation ... Czech president...", shrugged his shoulders and left recitation.

I was like wow, that's cool. They left immediately after they found out that the president was speaking. No hesitation, or deciding which was more important. Actually, thermo is a hard class and recitation is almost essential to completing the homework in my opinion. But obviously those people who left were more interested in global things, not preoccupied by the weekly homework grind. It was clear in their minds what was more important

I think it's very hard to do whatever you are currently doing and also be able to have your heart set on things above what you are doing---the greater things, the global things, the things that matter

2.) People who clearly "carry the group" in a project (as in do the most work), but act like they don't. They still value and respect each member of the group and want their feedback/help/opinion... and basically it is clear that they themselves do not feel that they are doing the most work. It takes humility and a servant's heart to get there. The funny thing is they don't even think they are doing the most work. They don't think about cooperation in terms of who is doing more, or what is "fair". That is cool.

Trust Falls

So, a week ago I stood outside for 3 hours doing various activities with people in my leadership theory&practice class. One of the mini-activities was doing the trust fall, which in my mind is really boring. We all chose people of similar sizes to pair up with for the fall/catch.

Yesterday, we were discussing the activities, and the teacher asked us to raise our hands if we felt that falling was harder, and then he asked us to raise our hands if we felt that catching was harder. The class was split almost 50/50. He told us that every year he noticed that it was split like that. He said he had a hypothesis: if you feel that falling is harder, it is about control. If you feel that catching is harder, it is about responsibility.

And then he told us that he used to do extreme trust falls where the person stands 5 feet into the air on some platform.

our sense of control, our sense of responsibility...which one causes us more stress to lose/fail at?

Are we more afraid that we will let someone down, or that someone will let us down?

We also discussed yesterday the top reasons for getting promoted and the top reasons for getting derailed. There were 2 slides full of reasons why people get derailed: low performance, insensitivity, over-managing, overly ambitious, poor staffing choices, betrayal of trust, unable to be strategic, arrogance, skill deficiencies, etc. We discussed all of these. And at the end, he said "there is hope". because all of these except one can be overcome.

Which one can't be overcome?

Betrayal of trust. He said: if you lose trust in a company, you should just get out.

Therefore, he said, never sacrifice your integrity.

Isn't it good that we believe in God who never fails? He keeps His word. His promises endure forever.

It's not a waste

Someone was playing the song "Let me love you more" by misty edwards on her computer, and I was baking and listening to the song for the first time. I liked the chorus, "oh won't you let me love you more, this is all that I desire". But what I liked even more was one of the verses.

I want to take my passion, and put it in a bottle

just to break it at your feet.

I want to take my affections and put them in a bottle

just to waste at your feet.

It reminded me of when Mary poured the expensive perfume over Jesus' feet. And how people criticized her for wasting it.

But it wasn't a waste!!!

When you are in love with someone, or if you really really love someone, you desire to "waste" time/energy/things/everything on them. To an outsider's perspective it's a waste; you're not being efficient; you're not using your resources wisely; you're not using what God has given you wisely; you're not using your time wisely. But you don't care. It's not a waste.

It's like when (some) guys buy a full diamond ring to propose. Dude... it's a ring. on your finger. Sounds ridiculous right? 10,000 dollars on your finger. But it is not a waste. It SEEMS like a waste. But it is not. Yes, why would you put 10,000 dollars on your finger? Yes, I see the question, the concern. What if the guy only had 10,000 dollars? Wouldn't it be better to save it for the marriage? What if he only had 5,000 dollars? It's "just" a ring. right? No. It is not just a ring. I think that a guy should be more than happy, more than willing to buy a diamond ring for a girl. (It also says something about your generosity too--or at least how you see money). I guess I'm making a very direct comparison between marriage and our relationship with Christ. But yea, it's like the Kingdom of Heaven, where you sell EVERYTHING without reserve to buy that field. You don't care about anything else.

It's like... not caring that you just spent 4 hours worshiping or spent a whole day with God, not even reading a Christian book or whatever. But just meditating on who He is, talking to Him, being in His presence, worshiping Him. It seems like "wasted time" since you didn't even "technically" obtain knowledge from a book (I'm not saying books are bad, but sometimes we ignore just being with God, being still before Him, because we consider that a "waste" when we compare it with listening to a sermon or reading a Christian book. There are many ways of getting to know God, and it should all come out of our love and passion for Him).

So yes. The concept of "let me love you more". Let me.

It's a plea. "Let me."It's not a plea to God. I'm pretty sure God will let us love Him more. The song lyrics "technically" seem incorrect.

O won't You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won't You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won't You let me love You more this is my deepest heart's desire
Won't You let me love You more still more and more

But you really have to get the gist of it and look beyond the technicalities. A lot of times when we make a plea to one person, or explain ourselves to one person, we're actually subconsciously defending ourselves to another person (or ourselves). (That's why when people are really strongly opinionated about something simple, it's because they're transferring their strong emotions from some other situation to this similar situation). So here, "O Let me love you more" implies that the world (or my own mind) thinks I'm wasting my time, so Lord, please defend me/my heart/my desires. let me love you more. Tell them Lord. Tell them that it pleases you when I pour my perfume at your feet. Let me love you more. We know that God will let us love Him more, just as we know it is because of Him we are able to love Him. But we either feel judgment (from our own mind), or we just know that it's kinda illogical, and so we make the plea: let me love you more. We say it to Him, but also for ourselves to hear. I want to "waste" my time on you, "waste" my hours worshiping you, being still before you, meditating on your beauty and goodness. O won't you let me love you more. So yea, not about the technical meaning, but the general tone/plea that reflects such a longing for God. It's like how in Song of Solomon 4:9, he says "you have stolen/captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes." He doesn't mean "stolen" or "captivated" in a negative way. The word just conveys the strength of the feeling.

I want to take my affections and put them in a bottle, just to waste at your feet

O won't you let me love you more.

O church, won't we love Him more? Is He not deserving of our affections? It is not always necessary to use our energy on doing "productive" things. Loving someone takes a lot of energy, even if you aren't doing anything for them. But loving someone also gives you a lot of energy. That's why some people miss it. They miss having someone to love. But how much sweeter it is to love the God who loves us.