Just now I felt annoyance toward my brother, which I haven't felt in a while. At first analysis/thought, I just concluded it must be because he's not paying attention while doing homework, is getting distracted, playing with coins, making noises, eating things every so often, and doing like 1 easy math problem every 10 minutes, and I have to keep reminding him, "thomas, do your homework". (We were working across from each other in the dining room. We usually work together because he doesn't like working alone.) After a couple hours of this, I was feeling pretty annoyed and upset, and told my mom my frustration. She told me to go work upstairs in my room and that she would work with him. I packed my stuff up and headed upstairs, but before I did, she said (gently), "Only parents don't give up on their kids. Siblings still aren't the same".
Well, so after ten minutes of reflection, I realized the deeper/real reason why I was upset. It was because I saw my own weaknesses in my brother. Early today, I had told him to do his homework. He said "I did", which I knew was a lie. I said, "No you didn't. Hurry up and do your homework". And he said "even if I finish my homework, there's nothing else to do". He wants some grand activity or prize after doing homework, like watching a movie or going somewhere or playing a game. He wants me or someone to promise him that there will be some fun reward after finishing his homework. I was like "why do you need some grand prize at the end of your homework? You should just finish your homework and then figure out something to do".
I realized that I so badly wanted my brother to be self-motivated. To just do it. Gosh, why can't you just do it? Why can't you just be responsible and have a good work ethic and just do your homework as soon as possible so you can go do other stuff later? I used to be the kind of kid who would eat the vegetables first, and then eat the yummy stuff later. My brother eats the yummy stuff first, in hopes of the possibility of getting out of having to eat the yucky stuff. I thought my brother and I were opposites in our work ethic, in our sense of responsibility.
But I am the same as him. Sigh. It sucks to realize that what you dislike about someone else is also what you are.
I'm tempted right now to decide to change, to muster up all my internal determination and tell myself seriously that I will finally change. But I don't do the changing. God does the changing. I need to remember that I am powerless on my own, that I can never take pride in so-called "will-power", or "determination", but that through God, all things are possible. In fact, I'm already inevitably changing each day as I allow the Spirit to work within me. Allowing God. That's hard-- our pride hinders us from receiving what God has already given us. That's why changing your character is so hard. Also, I think that a lot of times, we need to forgive ourselves (and others) for not being perfect, as God has already forgiven us.
Several weeks ago in church, I was told that most Christians have this methodology:
I am not _____ [insert biblical adjective, like 'holy']
I should be _____; Therefore, be _____
But instead we should use the logical progression used in the bible, which is:
I am _____; Be ______
(like 'you are perfect' 'be perfect')
It was pretty cool to realize. A sister told me that she thinks that the second way of thinking helps her to change, knowing that she is already____(renewed).
by the way, my brother started really focusing and finished pretty quickly after I left. He came up to tell me he was finished while I was still writing this post.. probably to cheer me up or something. I told him the real reason why I was upset. (he's 10 years old)
Shout out to all you younger siblings: sorry that older siblings suck and always want you to be perfect and always think they're better or know better. maybe not all older siblings, just ones like me.
