The more I seek you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZfsxydxEXA&feature=related

My Brother teaching me about life

My 9 year old brother makes me cry, makes me frustrated.
because I don't want to give up on him, even though I want to.

He reveals all the selfish parts of me. because I really want to give up on his growth, academic and spiritual and maturity-wise. but deep inside, I love him too much to do that. I'm sure my mom has similar struggles since she has to make him do homework every day.

In 4th grade, I wanted a brother. I told God that I wanted a brother because I wanted to learn how to love people, and I thought the best way was to have a brother, since I thought that it is hardest to be nice to your own sibling, especially a younger sibling. Many of my friends had siblings and they didn't get along. I always had a dream to be in harmony with my sibling. And so I thought that if I can learn to love my brother, I can learn to love everyone. And in 5th grade, God gave me brother.

I guess I haven't quite lived up to that dream. It's so hard.
This summer I tried to teach my brother piano, but I just ended up crying. He takes so much energy to teach. And just now, every 10 seconds, I had to tell my brother to concentrate, to hurry up and do his homework.
and then I cried in frustration. He muttered some complaint like, "i have the worst life" and then I cried while explaining to him that he didn't have "the worst life". I tried to tell him about kids who couldn't even go to school, who had parents who argued every day, who had sisters who beat them up, or fathers who left home, or no food, people who can't turn on their heater because they're trying to save money, who live in tiny apartments with two other families, etc. I went into great great detail. Then he said that he sucks at everything. I told him that it's because he doesn't try. All he thinks about is friends. Then he said that he just wants everyone to be nice to him. So, I asked him who was mean to him, and he tells me about this one girl in school. Then we had a conversation about how he should be nice to people who are mean to him. And he asked me if bad guys go to heaven. My brother is pretty logical. He understand the things I tell him, even though I usually get too deep.

Sometimes I wonder if this whole asian academic thing is right. I know it does train kids to be responsible, and it keeps them from "turning bad" in school, because they spend all their time on academics. But man, my school district is so competitive; is it really healthy to give kids this muc homework?. My mom gives my brother extra homework every day. a lot of it. and yet, he's still behind in school. And maybe my brother has a gift that we're ignoring, maybe it's just not academics. He's pretty good at acting.

sigh. life is so complicated. There are so many paths. which one is best? I guess it doesn't matter too too much. We walk with God. Life is an adventure.

Let us "fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing to the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy and His love" (Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller)

We don't know what happens next. but it's okay. It is okay.

---edit--haha, boundless has this article: "If you're single, you aren't busy"
http://www.boundlessline.org/2010/01/if-youre-single-you-arent-busy.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+boundlessline%2Fblog+%28Boundless+Line%29
I like the definition of busy. med and law students aren't busy. "think of busyness as the amount of autonomy you have in the use of your time". This makes sense, and I agree. My life is easy.

Analogies and Reminders Everywhere

My brother, Thomas, has been bugging me to do a jigsaw puzzle with him.But it’s strange because jigsaw puzzles shouldn’t be that interesting for an active 9-year-old boy who normally plays with nerf guns, runs around the house and plays wii or computer games.

Dad is home. and Thomas goes: “Jamie’s helping me do a jigsaw puzzle!”

Me: “no, I’m doing a jigsaw puzzle” [referring to how Thomas doesn’t contribute]

Thomas: [laughs] “yea, I just want to be with Jamie”

Little kid giving up stimulating fun games to do boring jigsaw puzzle with sister—not even to do a jigsaw puzzle, but basically just to watch me do a jigsaw puzzle.

I guess, if I think about some of my friends, I’d be willing to watch them do a jigsaw puzzle, just so I could be with them too.

And I was gonna make some analogy to our Heavenly Father. But I can’t think of one right now.

lol, These are the kinds of stories that pastors use in their sermons, as examples/analogies. Because almost everything in life can remind us of our Heavenly Father. If you’re in love with someone, every time you see something even remotely related/connected to that person, you are reminded of that person.

One time last year, I saw a dog without a leash following its owner very closely. It was so obedient; I was amazed. I told my friend: “I wish I could be like that dog”, and she gave me a weird look, and I continued, “and follow God the way that dog follows its master”.

Jesus, be the center.

Be the fire in my heart, Be the wind in these sails, Be the reason that I live

Thoughts

Can we love someone we don't know? Can we love God if we don't know God? And though we know Him, there is still more to know.

The bible uses this logic: How can we love God if we don't even love our brothers whom we can see.
[is it easier to love people you see?--- it depends on how you define "loving people" right? Sometimes we think of love as this idea or image of warm feelings or whatnot. You can't love someone you don't know, because you are just loving the idea of that person? right? ]

back to the logic use:... by the same logic... :

how can we know God if we don't even know our brothers (non-gendered terminology here)

but people really don't make sense. At times they do. and at times they don't. We think there's something deeper, but then there isn't. But then later, there is. But then how deep can we go? how much deeper is there to a person? We probably don't even understand ourselves. I know I don't.

Are we supposed to make sense of everything? no. we can't. we can try. It's good to think, but not to overthink.. and overanalyze. because then your thoughts run in circles and it's futile.

These were (part) of my distracting thoughts today. This occurs sometimes. Not every day; at least not recently. Thank God. or else I'd be confused. again.

Satan likes invading our thoughts and confusing us. That's why we need to rebuke false thoughts with His word. Have God's thoughts! Pray for His will! God sees the big picture and we don't; therefore if we try to think from our perspective, we will just get confused. haha. but this doesn't mean that we shouldn't think at all.

kay, I've got work to do

A Dreamer at Heart

I have been reflecting back to sophomore year in high school. I used to be very idealistic? if that's the right world. I wanted to change the world. It was the year that I got emotional about everything that was wrong with the world.

I'm becoming more and more 'okay' with the normal path of life.. with these comforts and people, and I'm not sure if I'd be willing any longer to leave this for some idealistic dream that might not come to pass. I'm not sure if I dream that much any more. And yet, sometimes I still do. Here are 2 little bits of a poem I wrote at 2am today

Though I’m a dreamer at heart

Fear keeps me from being apart

From things I see day to day

From the plowed path, the expected way

Will I always be afraid

That everything will fade

Why do I still hold on

When I know it will be gone

I remember this quote:
"When your memories are greater than your dreams, you are beginning to die".

I think, part of the reason that keeps me from dreaming as much, is that dreamers are often lonely. People who want to change things must go out of their way, out of their comfort zone, and that often can be quite lonely, even if you're surrounded by people.

Fear of loneliness and depression ...is an issue that needs more attention than it gets. because the mind (and emotion) are dangerous. Your own thoughts can deceive you.

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things (col 3:2)

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:7)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Phil 4:8)

Often, I forget that my mind (not just my heart) also needs to be guarded.
Thank God for His mercy and grace.

Interesting things

life isn’t about “interesting things”. God is interesting, yes, but what I mean is... it’s not about the mentality of constantly finding interesting things with which to stimulate your life, … because in the end, what you could be doing is trying to replace God with other “interesting things” that don't satisfy. It's not like we should make our life boring, but if we're afraid of boredom, if we have a disgust for being still and resting, and constantly want to be stimulated by entertainment or exciting events, then maybe something is wrong.

and yet, it's pretty easy to not think about life by constantly finding something to do, people to laugh with, tv shows to watch and keeping your mind and body occupied in that way. and ignore God.

--

Anyway. I'm home for Thanksgiving. It's a nice change, and a totally different world back home than in school. The pace, the mentality, the atmosphere is all different. And there I was, thinking that Cornell was the world, when there are so many worlds out there.

Well, God is here and there and everywhere, and He satisfies. His love is wonderful. May I not forget that and run after "interesting things". At home, it's easier to be still before God, to rest, to meditate on His goodness, His word and not get caught up in social events. Yet, there is also that temptation at home to find mind-stimulating "interesting things" like tv shows or internet surfing/gaming to mimic the effect of the social events. a temporary high and a temporary satisfaction.There are different struggles in different worlds. I'm not saying that those things are necessarily bad. It's just that when we ignore God and use those things as "god".

Well, anyway. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for God, for Jesus, for the Holy Spirit.

What do I have if I don't have you Jesus

What in this life could mean any more

(Cry in My Heart--Starfield)

All I once held dear, built my life upon

All this world reveres, and wars to own

All I once thought gain, I have counted loss

Spent and worthless now compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus. Knowing you

There's no greater thing

(All I once held dear)

It was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
taking them by the arms;
but they did not realize
it was I who healed them.(Hosea 11:3)

Growing in Christ?

I heard a sermon recently about how we can't judge our spiritual growth by looking at
1.) the "absence" of sin
2.) spiritual activity (ie. reading the bible, prayer, corporate christian meetings, giving to the poor etc.)

because 1. we always sin, but just don't see it. The closer we get to God, the more sin we see. Therefore looking at the "absence" of certain sins is not a way to measure spiritual growth

#2--spiritual activity just measures our spiritual discipline, which is a good thing to have, but it doesn't measure our heart, which is what God looks at. Sometimes, even we ourselves are not able to judge our own hearts.

So, instead, we should look at things that reflect our heart's condition. The pastor gave some examples like: a.) do we care about the things that Jesus cares about? ex. When we hear of people being oppressed unjustly, does it move us like it would move Jesus? ... do we love the things that Jesus loves and hate the things that He hates?
Another indicator of spiritual growth that the pastor mentioned:
b.) hearing His voice more.
c.) fruit of the spirit,--but this is hard to measure since, if we are really growing in love, we would probably be the last one to notice it
d.)if you are finding it easier to give (not just money, but time, love, etc.)
e.) an increasing awareness of our distance from God--because this means that we are getting closer to God and see more of our faults

---
Risking for God? Another sermon I listened to on the bus back to NJ

If Jesus turned out to be a myth, what would we would we have lost?--heaven, yes, but what about in our current lives. What are we investing in God? How much time would we have lost? How much of our heart and desires would be lost?

How about school? If college turned out to be a myth, and companies decided that college education was worthless and they would only hire high school grads from now on, what would we have lost?

and which would be the greater loss in our hearts?
---

Recently I have been growing more and more in love with my comfort zone. I'm clinging on to a comfortable life, a secure future, people I know well, cultures I'm familiar with, cities with a high education level, cities with great ethnic diversity, etc. All these things I have grown up with and am used to. If God called me to leave my land, my people, my culture, and everything I am comfortable with, would I do it? If God called me to Him, would I really go?--or would I only go to Him if it is convenient, if it is easy to go to Him because everyone around me also seeks Him. ?

Is God truly the source of my joy, or is the loving environment I'm placed in the source of my joy? Is God truly the love of my life, my Hope, my Rock?