People give meaning

Staying at home and not seeing people really makes life less meaningful.

How can there be meaning if there are no people? Imagine a life with just you. Why would you even be interested in the hobbies you're interested in, if you can't show the results to anyone? Why would you want to be successful if there's no one to recognize it?

Everything I do resolves around people.... whether it's achieving greater closeness with people, loving / knowing people, or gaining love / affirmation from people.

I like to say that I don't have any real hobbies; all I really love is people. But my friends always want to call me out on that lie.

Fine. If I really think about it, there are some things I like, that are not influenced by people.

I like walking outside at night when the temperature is nice, and breathing in the cool crisp air. It feels romantic. It feels good. I feel alive. because I can think about deep things at night. I can think about life.

I like boba (milk tea/ bubble tea). And I do like some foods. But my desire for food sort of vanishes when I miss people, when I'm too sad, or  when I'm too satisfied with life (that's one of my hypotheses for why I got so skinny in CA). But boba is one of the foods I still can usually desire even when I'm not into food.

I like doing things with my hands, i.e. crafts or building things. But it has to have an emotional element to it. i.e. making cards or photo albums for people. Or be practical (i.e. building a birdhouse for my bird).

I like talking about "deeper" subjects, because through deeper conversations, I hope to find more meaning in life, and I want to be known. One time, a friend told me: "You have a strong desire to be known". When she said that, she had only known me for 4-5 months. I was taken aback, shocked that she could read my soul so quickly. But I played it cool, and was like: "everyone wants to be known". But she was like: "But you have an especially strong desire to be known". and I was like omg. what a mind / soul reader.

So, that's why I blog. All my "deeper" thoughts that have no air time, I put here. Also because, apparently, I want to be known. I love intimacy. This is. One of my hobbies.

My thoughts and feelings in the midst of covid

I have been sad. Not every day, not every moment. But last week there were a few days when I just cried and cried, and there was no end. I'm better now. Really. Thanks to people in my life, and God's comfort.

I don't know why I am sad. Everyone asks me that, so I try. I try to give an answer. To those who might be able to empathize, or who might care enough to try.

I want to be transparent with my feelings and thoughts, but I also fear that my negativity and sadness will scare people away. And then I'll really be alone. So when I share more broadly, I try to tone it down a bit.

I have judged overly positive articles about how we'll look back and see that all of this was not that bad, that pollution was greatly reduced, people learned to enjoy nature and family, etc. I thought the article was overly naive at the time it was written (>3 weeks ago), and also highly highly insensitive to the very real pain in the world. Part of my sadness or frustration/annoyance comes from overly optimistic or naive people who don't see the pain or the future pain that COVID will cause. Part of me is like they will see the pain in due time, when people start dying, losing their jobs, etc.. But more and more, I am beginning to feel that they will never see what I see because they are just different. We are different. And that is okay. It is okay but it also makes me feel pretty alone in my feelings or thoughts about covid. Like everyone else is either positive about it or, if they are sad, they just pick up hobbies or watch netflix to feel better or try not to think too much about it, whereas my preference is to fully immerse myself in the pain. To fully feel the pain, to learn more about the pain that is going on in the world, to be fully informed, and I can't help but think about the entire domino effect. You can't just shut the whole world down for 2 months and expect things to just recover afterwards. There will be. lasting. damage. Maybe it's because I'm also in Finance, and I do forecasting. And there are some very real frustrations at work with all the different opinions for our forecast.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to hide my sad feelings behind "feeling sad for the world" and pretending to be more altruistic and big picture than I really am so I can have a "legit" excuse for my sadness. but I think not all of my sadness is for the world. Some (or most) of it is (probably) just about me.

Maybe I just need to see people. Maybe if I lived with family or people I was close to, I would be able to be more positive/hopeful about this whole thing. And then, yea I would watch netflix to bond with family too. Maybe I would be more "productive" (the productivity culture also low key annoys me sometimes too. Like can I just rest? lol, jk, I need to be less sensitive I know. Many things annoy me these days but I am trying to remember that everyone is different and also everyone else is just as  confused as I am about their true thoughts and feelings)

Maybe I've been too reliant on people instead of leaning on God. Maybe I just don't know how to connect to God. Like I can't sit still for long enough to fully connect. And if I fully connected all the time, I would fully feel His comfort and sweet presence all the time. And be at peace.

Maybe it's unresolved pain from the past. Like I hung out with Jon and his family Saturday and it felt so warm and nice. It felt so good that I got emotional. And I thought: where was this when I lived in the middle of nowhere? But maybe it's not related to the past and it's just that in life crises, you tend to think and reflect upon your entire life (just like when you're about to die). I think it could really just be as simple as: I just miss people and the family-like atmosphere that comes with in-person interaction. I just miss friends and everyone I usually see.

It also could be as simple as: I need more attention. Everyone is hanging with their families. And I'm just seeking love and attention.

Or maybe I am feeling sad for the world and my empathy game is too strong.

Or maybe a combination of everything and more.

Honestly, I don't know. And I don't know if it matters. When I try to figure things out with my own strength, sometimes I just get confused. I need to invite God into my thoughts and let Him lead, even if it seems like a "slower" process. Like okay God, just tell me what the root cause is now, so I can' fix it and get on with life. Thanks. But yea, covid is not going away any time soon. I do need to start connecting with God, opening up to people, reaching out and telling those around me what I need, etc.

So here it is. My not-fully-processed inconclusive thoughts

"The cure cannot be worse than the problem itself"

"The cure cannot be worse than the problem itself" - Trump

I know most people are probably angered by Trump's quotes and think he is dumb for wanting to reopen America by Easter. And yes, I agree that that is probably not the best decision (though I'm not 100% sure).

But putting the logical side of me aside, the quote itself makes me sad. There is so much hopelessness and desperation in that quote. It's a lose-lose quote.  The "cure" (social distancing) is almost just as bad as the problem itself.

Then I read news on how India is shutting down, and people there are saying they'll die from starvation before they die from coronavirus. It reminds me that not every country can as easily "afford" a shutdown like the US can.

Reading the news is depressing, but I want to be informed, so I don't want to avoid the news.

This is an encouraging article from DesiringGod.org. It reminds us to change our "What if's" to "Even if".

I think I used to be better at doing that -- changing my 'what if' to 'even if'. But it's really hard right now, without being able to meet physically with other believers. I have community, but community is virtual, which is just different. I feel like most of my friends here live with their spouse or live at home (as in their parents' home), so they have siblings and parents to chat with about the news, or to help them divert their focus away from the news and to food or whatever hobby/games they do at home. I'm stuck with my own mind most of the day, and it's a more uphill battle to keep my mind from being depressed about the situation. And honestly, I don't feel like playing games or picking up hobbies.

I know we're called to have joy, hope in the Lord, etc. But I think I'm just in the mourning period right now. I'm not mourning for today, but for what I feel like will come in the very near future (similar to what this article suggests). I pray and hope God will intervene with a miracle. I forget sometimes, that God does do that. I hope that I'm pre-grieving for things that will not actually happen. (EDIT: apparently pre-grieving is actually called "Anticipatory grief" as cited in this article about the grief many are feeling about coronavirus)

But even if many people die, all without funerals, even if the worst case scenario from this forecast is true, God is still with me and He is good. And there is nothing that can keep me from singing His praise.

Pain & Vision

I really liked Pastor Jason's sermon this past Sunday on why having vision is important.
Having vision gives purpose to the pain we experience in life.
Vision provides meaning, purpose and hope in difficult times.

Of course, sometimes the pain we experience is the consequence of our own sin, not just others' sin or external uncontrollable factors. But no matter what the cause of the pain is, I believe the concept still applies. Even if the pain you experience is due to your own sin, as long as you recognize and turn from sin, there is hope for you because God forgives. So when you experience pain, (whatever the cause), you can bear it, because you know the future carries hope, because God has a purpose and plan for your life. In Christ, there is always redemption. And God doesn't waste your pain.

But I also believe pain needs to be fully healed.

Sometimes, living in the present, laughing, and having friends love you, does a large majority of the healing. People heal when they feel safe, in a loving community they can trust-- a community that really knows you, wants to know you and really loves you for who you are.

Sometimes pain wants to be validated and honored. And all you need to heal is to know that your pain matters to God.
The best imagery I have for this, is in 2015, a stranger from a conference wanted to pray for me. She asked me what I wanted prayer for. I told her my story. Immediately, I could see water rush into her eyes. I could feel compassion from her eyes. I was so touched that a stranger could have such strong compassion towards me. At that moment, I felt that God really cared. I always picture that imagery. God looking into my eyes, and his eyes tell me He knows my pain, and my pain matters to Him. (also, I just love eye contact, and God knows that)

Sometimes, Holy Spirit just heals you, whether in worship or in prayer. God just speaks directly to your heart--not through others, but directly. and it's louder than usual and you know it's God.

Recently, I have been listening to my recordings of prophetic words spoken over me about my calling. Three different people calling out the same thing. It has given me so much hope and strength.

Pastor Jason also talked about the niche you fill in your community, and how that could be part of your purpose. I feel that sometimes, for me, one of those niches, is talking about subjects others might feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about. There are so many other things.
I think a lot of people struggle with feeling that they are not "special", that there is always someone else who has more wisdom, compassion, musical talent or whatever. But you need to look beyond that and into the more granular detailed nuances. No one else has your experiences and your exact personality and interests and friend circles. God can use anyone. You don't have to be flashy like a Tim Keller or a Kris Valloton. (trying to be inclusive here... jk).

There were/are definitely some people in my life, where every time I talk to them, I feel they are so life-giving. I just feel so fed, spiritually and emotionally. There are others who are always constant and stable; I can trust their genuine-ness and loyalty. There are those with immense wisdom, those with great ideas, those with great execution. Even the complainers have a place in the body, because they stir things up, and then those who like to execute, try to change things. Even the emotional leeches have a place (kinda), because they stretch and challenge others' character--though of course, ideally we want them to heal.

I lost a bet

I had this conversation with GG about how we should have everyone bet pushups for Superbowl. We were debating how many pushups people could do, and then she's like

G: honestly I can probably do 100 in 30 minutes

Me: -_- I don't believe you

G: bet me something

Me: ok I bet you

G: I'll do them right now

Me: wait I have to see it. What do you want?

G: you have to bet me something good though

Me: sure, name it

Then she comes up with the best bet ever: that I have to take 8 hip hop classes and perform in front of her and two friends, and go to a club in an outfit they choose. After she tells me the bet, my confidence goes from 99% sure I'll win to 60%. But it recovers the next day and I was back at 99% confident she couldn't do it. She was 80% confident she could do it though. 

She ends up doing 100 solid pushups in 15 minutes, and does some more for fun after that. Two guys at life group were like: what? Everyone can do 100 in 30 minutes. What were you thinking Jamie?? One buff guy was like, I can probably do 500 in 30 minutes. I didn't believe him when he said it but now thinking about it, maybe I should reconsider.

This is a classic example of me having a skewed world view because of how conservative/"realistic" (aka pessimistic) I am, though I honestly thought it would have instead been a classic example of how GG has a skewed world view because of how idealistic she is. It turned out to be the former because I lost. But going in, I was like GG just doesn't know she can't do it. She's too naive and idealistic. So yea I lost. I was wrong and my world view is wrong. And despite no one being able to tell that I was actually sad, I was sad that I lost, and quite confused or shocked. I didn't know how to feel or express myself except to smile and feel awkward.

But this event is also quite meaningful to me because GG is leaving the community to pursue her dreams. I'm glad she won and proved me wrong. and I'm glad she believes in herself. Quitting your job to pursue your dreams takes a lot of faith. Something I don't have quite enough of yet. But one day I will. And when I do, it will be powerful, and my faith will move mountains. 

And she left me with the perfect gift, the bet that will stretch me out of my comfort zone and possibly widen my life scope/view, to put it abstractly

Boundaries

There's been a lot of  traction on the concept of boundaries. Boundaries in romantic relationships, boundaries in familial/parental relationships, boundaries in friendships, boundaries at work, etc.

It's a very broad term that covers a lot of possible implications.

Sometimes when people say you need to have boundaries, they really mean that you need to take care of yourself. Or, you need to not "lose yourself" through excessive people pleasing. You need to take ownership of your life and make your own decisions about how to spend your time, your life, instead of letting other people invade every aspect and every decision.

That aspect is pretty biblical. We're not called to be pushed around by the world, by others. We're responsible for following God, which is an active decision, not a passive one.

But sometimes I do feel that people excessively (and consistently) avoid loving difficult people because they have over-embraced this concept of boundaries.

It's hard to separate cultural vs biblical ideas sometimes. Just like it can be hard to distinguish between having boundaries and lacking compassion.

When Jesus went around in his ministry and he was tired, sometimes he would withdraw to recharge by himself and pray. But sometimes he would look on the crowd (despite being also tired) and have compassion on them and give them what they need. People are constantly coming to Jesus for healing and drawing out of him what they need, and Jesus allows that. His "boundaries" seem much smaller than most of our boundaries. He's not doing things out of people pleasing though, but he recognizes that he is being drawn towards Kingdom activities by the great need of the people. Purposeful Kingdom-driven compassion, not a "compassion" fueled from ego and a need to be needed or excessive people pleasing.

But yea, this is where hearing God's voice and/or having His discernment/wisdom makes doing His work easier. There's a time to have compassion and press into the need, and a time to withdraw and mark boundaries, depending on both the season and the situation.

What it looks like

A lot of imagery ran through my mind today as I was thinking about what love looks like, what "more of God" looks like, what the Kingdom of God on Earth looks like.

Love.
Images of my Mexico trip, when I visited El Pozo de Vida flowed through my mind, especially all the staff who help run the safe house for the trafficked-but-rescued girls. I thought of how some girls try to run away from the safe house. As a staff member, it's like, you love these girls and want to help them, but they don't even always want your help. It's like when you adopt a kid and the kid hates you and says you don't love them. The day by day life is hard. It's not just hard, but it's boring. You need to tell them to drink water, brush their teeth, and all the mundane things.

In summary, love is dirty. Love gets its hands dirty. And love is mundane. Love goes through the mundane with people. And over time, slowly but surely, you see change. Over a long period of time. But even after the girls grow up and are happy and healed and leave the house at age 18, sometimes they still get boyfriends and live in with them after a couple weeks of dating. It makes you wonder if someone can truly ever be whole if they were dealt a bad hand of cards in the beginning. But that's what love looks like. It looks ugly, but it's steadfast and never gives up.

Revival, miracles, Kingdom of God, more of God.
what does that look like?
Our cell group recently read Mark 8-10.
In Mark 8:31 , Mark 9:9, and Mark 10:33, Jesus tells his disciples that He will die on the cross, but all three times, the disciples don't get it. They don't get it because they're still thinking about how they can be the greatest. In Mark 9:34, they're arguing about who is the greatest, and then again in Mark 10:37, two of his disciples are still thinking about how to be the greatest by asking to sit on Jesus' right and left side.

Throughout the gospel of Mark, it just feels like Jesus is telling them the same thing over and over again, and they just don't get it. Jesus is continually trying to change the way they think about things, and He continually explains the Kingdom of God from different angles, using different analogies. But even then, they don't get it.

It's interesting to me that Jesus healed people instantly--like the blind, the lame, the dead, etc. But when it comes to transforming our mindsets and renewing the disciples' mind, it takes so much time. It was easier to teach the disciples how to pray for others for healing, than to get them to understand the Kingdom of God. But Jesus is patient and loving, and explains things over and over again.

that's what love looks like. Sometimes things only take an instant, and we see miracles. People may change instantly if things all of a sudden click for them. They may encounter God and change their ways. Or it can take years and years of renewing your mind.

But that's what love is. Love is patient. Love gets its hands dirty. Love takes time. Love is mundane. Love is a process