Boundaries

There's been a lot of  traction on the concept of boundaries. Boundaries in romantic relationships, boundaries in familial/parental relationships, boundaries in friendships, boundaries at work, etc.

It's a very broad term that covers a lot of possible implications.

Sometimes when people say you need to have boundaries, they really mean that you need to take care of yourself. Or, you need to not "lose yourself" through excessive people pleasing. You need to take ownership of your life and make your own decisions about how to spend your time, your life, instead of letting other people invade every aspect and every decision.

That aspect is pretty biblical. We're not called to be pushed around by the world, by others. We're responsible for following God, which is an active decision, not a passive one.

But sometimes I do feel that people excessively (and consistently) avoid loving difficult people because they have over-embraced this concept of boundaries.

It's hard to separate cultural vs biblical ideas sometimes. Just like it can be hard to distinguish between having boundaries and lacking compassion.

When Jesus went around in his ministry and he was tired, sometimes he would withdraw to recharge by himself and pray. But sometimes he would look on the crowd (despite being also tired) and have compassion on them and give them what they need. People are constantly coming to Jesus for healing and drawing out of him what they need, and Jesus allows that. His "boundaries" seem much smaller than most of our boundaries. He's not doing things out of people pleasing though, but he recognizes that he is being drawn towards Kingdom activities by the great need of the people. Purposeful Kingdom-driven compassion, not a "compassion" fueled from ego and a need to be needed or excessive people pleasing.

But yea, this is where hearing God's voice and/or having His discernment/wisdom makes doing His work easier. There's a time to have compassion and press into the need, and a time to withdraw and mark boundaries, depending on both the season and the situation.

What it looks like

A lot of imagery ran through my mind today as I was thinking about what love looks like, what "more of God" looks like, what the Kingdom of God on Earth looks like.

Love.
Images of my Mexico trip, when I visited El Pozo de Vida flowed through my mind, especially all the staff who help run the safe house for the trafficked-but-rescued girls. I thought of how some girls try to run away from the safe house. As a staff member, it's like, you love these girls and want to help them, but they don't even always want your help. It's like when you adopt a kid and the kid hates you and says you don't love them. The day by day life is hard. It's not just hard, but it's boring. You need to tell them to drink water, brush their teeth, and all the mundane things.

In summary, love is dirty. Love gets its hands dirty. And love is mundane. Love goes through the mundane with people. And over time, slowly but surely, you see change. Over a long period of time. But even after the girls grow up and are happy and healed and leave the house at age 18, sometimes they still get boyfriends and live in with them after a couple weeks of dating. It makes you wonder if someone can truly ever be whole if they were dealt a bad hand of cards in the beginning. But that's what love looks like. It looks ugly, but it's steadfast and never gives up.

Revival, miracles, Kingdom of God, more of God.
what does that look like?
Our cell group recently read Mark 8-10.
In Mark 8:31 , Mark 9:9, and Mark 10:33, Jesus tells his disciples that He will die on the cross, but all three times, the disciples don't get it. They don't get it because they're still thinking about how they can be the greatest. In Mark 9:34, they're arguing about who is the greatest, and then again in Mark 10:37, two of his disciples are still thinking about how to be the greatest by asking to sit on Jesus' right and left side.

Throughout the gospel of Mark, it just feels like Jesus is telling them the same thing over and over again, and they just don't get it. Jesus is continually trying to change the way they think about things, and He continually explains the Kingdom of God from different angles, using different analogies. But even then, they don't get it.

It's interesting to me that Jesus healed people instantly--like the blind, the lame, the dead, etc. But when it comes to transforming our mindsets and renewing the disciples' mind, it takes so much time. It was easier to teach the disciples how to pray for others for healing, than to get them to understand the Kingdom of God. But Jesus is patient and loving, and explains things over and over again.

that's what love looks like. Sometimes things only take an instant, and we see miracles. People may change instantly if things all of a sudden click for them. They may encounter God and change their ways. Or it can take years and years of renewing your mind.

But that's what love is. Love is patient. Love gets its hands dirty. Love takes time. Love is mundane. Love is a process

How are you?

I always feel like I need to be able to answer the question: "How are you?" in a deep way.

Not just when my close friends ask me that question, but even if I ask myself that question. It really really bothers me, when I don't know how I am doing, or I can't provide some deep blow-your-mind-away insightful response to that question.

Sophomore year of college, I had a roommate who was really bad at answering this question. My guess is because she wasn't really in touch with her feelings. She was more into her personal hobbies and interests, and probably didn't think about her feelings or how she was doing very often. Every time, I asked her how she was doing, she would hesitate and not know how to answer, and then be like: stop asking me that. 

I feel like a lot of people, when they're asked "how are you?", they'll just be like: I'm good. work is good/busy/tiring. Blah blah blah is going on in my life. going to XYZ vacation in a few weeks, so I'm excited. 

Like basically, they list off some events in their life, but they don't talk about heart-level stuff or deep revelations that God revealed to them about their heart. 

It's hard for me to consider someone a close friend if the friend doesn't share heart-level stuff. In the same way, if I am unable to "share" heart-level stuff with myself (aka, if I'm just unaware of what's going on in my heart), I get really bothered. Like why can't I come up with some deep answer to that question? Why is my mind going blank when I think about how I'm doing?

The past year has had a lot of highs and lows. Overall, more joyful and happy as a whole. But the "problem" with that, is when you're super happy in life, it's really hard to come up with a deep answer to "how are you doing?", because the answer is that you're just so happy. And you're really enjoying hanging out with friends and significant other. You enjoy church, ministry, cell group, friends, work, activities and you're truly living in the present and not thinking too deeply about how your "heart" is doing. Everything seems happy and fine. But for some reason, I'm not able to live like that very long. I don't feel alive or like myself if I can't come up with some deep insightful answer to: "how are you doing?"

If I can't answer that question deeply, I feel like it means I am not really connecting to the deepest parts of my psyche and heart. That connection is what makes me feel human and feel like myself. That connection and understanding provides meaning for me, like I understand who I am, what I am living for, and what my convictions are. 

This is why I have this blog. When I don't have deep insights/thoughts, I feel like I'm not really living. I'm not really alive. I'm just going through life, and will forget this part of life because I'm not thinking deeply enough to remember it. 

Anyway, this is a pretty confusing blog post, I know. One of my close friends told me recently that I don't really have good logic. I have opinions and thoughts, and attempt to put logic around it, but the logic doesn't make any sense at all. That's probably the essence of this blog post. But that's what makes me unique. I'm deep and complicated, because humans are pretty deep and complicated too.

Being able to enjoy things is a gift

Hearing my friend's dad talk about his journey with chronic depression made me realize that being able to look forward to things and enjoy things is a gift.

As someone who has experienced depression before (although it was a short period in college), I personally feel like depression is way worse than intense emotional pain, because when I was depressed, I felt nothing and I longed just to even feel sad so that I could cry and get over it. But instead I felt nothing and numb.

Periodically/sometimes I feel an inkling of that gloominess/boredom/numbness creep up. But because I hate depression so much and I am pretty sensitive/alert to it coming back, I am extremely diligent about shooing it away asap. I buy blueberries, try to eat anti-inflammatory foods, listen to sermons, listen to new music, pray in tongues, etc. I try my best to snap out of it, and enjoy life. Fortunately, I have not experienced it again (at least not the full extent) since college, though I understand everyone is different and some people are not able to just "shoo" it away despite trying.

Last month, I went to Chicago and DC. People were like: are you excited for the vacation? and I'm like... yea, I guess ? But honestly, I was neutral. Maybe I'm jaded by vacations. I mostly just like spending time with people and building memories. I do like the good picture-taking excuses, because I like good pictures. Anyway, looking back, it is kind of scary that I wasn't super excited about the vacation. I did enjoy it, but I used to be more excited about vacations and would anticipate them more. Maybe I enjoy my life in the bay area a lot now, so vacations are kind of on par with normal enjoyment ?

Like in December, I'm going to Taiwan and not excited about it at all. I really don't care about food. I care about people. I mean, I like good food, but I like love so much more, that I don't care too much about food. But if you put bad food in front of me, I'll still probably not eat it unless I'm super hungry, because I still don't want to waste my stomach space eating bad food. I still want to maximize my enjoyment in the area of food, but a hug or deep conversation is like 100+ times better than food.

Anyway, reflecting on my low excitement for vacations made me wonder if I'm secretly depressed. I'm now more vigilant about being aware of what I like and enjoy, and trying to heavily emphasize and remember that those are things I like.

I like:

• chewy things: taro balls, pork intestine, boba, oyster omelet
• good pictures of people I love (either taking the pictures or being a part of them. outdoors is preferred for lighting. with a real camera)
• nature: especially bodies of water and vibrant colors (green grass, green moss in iceland, colorful mountains in iceland when the sun is setting, blue lake reflecting green mountains), ocean waves, uncrowded beaches, the sun
• good, new worship music, and new music that I like; i generally like pop and soft rock
• warm hugs, warm touches
• looking in someone's eyes, and looking deeper into them in a 1:1 conversation, and feeling compassion/love for them
• corgi's
• deep meaningful honest transparent conversations, wholesome community
• redemption, healing, wholeness, reconciliation -- seeing it or being a part of it
• worship and God's presence
• good sermons
• when other people think I am funny, or say that I am one of the funniest people they know
• being weird / creative, doing something not routine once in a while
• financial planning and optimization
• movies that make me cry, like: short term 12, I can only imagine
• crying
• when other people think I'm intriguing and want to get to know me
• doing perfect push-ups
• taking walks at night when it's cool - not too hot, not too cold
• thinking about how cute everyone is, and thinking about everyone's personality
• replaying funny moments in my head
• being respected at work. I like when other people think I'm smart, because I know I'm not, but I still like it when other people think I am. I get competitive/aggressive when I sense my respect is being challenged, but otherwise I'm chill
• harmonious relationships, close community, family, support

I'm sure there's more. But it's great to know and remind myself that there are many things I like and that I'm passionate about. That I'm not just someone who goes along with what other people want. I have desires and passions too. When threatened, I will stand up for my convictions. 

I'm trying to be more aware of my feelings, even my anger. I don't want to stuff anything away. I want to deal with everything now. But sometimes I feel like my anger is fleeting. I'm angry but the next day I'm fine. But am I really fine or am I just "fine" and it's still somewhere inaccessible until it comes out? Someone told me that depression is anger turned inward. It kinda makes sense. 

Memory

I said: you hurt me
And she responded: why do you always only remember the times that I hurt you?

Well, I do remember both the good stuff and the bad, but because the hurt is more current, it sticks out more.

Last year, a couple told me about their first year of marriage.
The wife said: the first year was like hell. We hated each other.
The husband said: noo, it wasn't that bad. You're forgetting the good parts.
Wife: No, we really hated each other's guts.

It is quite interesting that different people remember the past differently. And it's quite scary sometimes too. Because what if you invest so much in someone, but you mess up at the end, and that's all they remember? It's kind of like the Christian walk. You don't want to mess up at the end.

It's like when people get divorced and they admit: I did love you at some point, but I don't now.
Pretty scary that our emotions can change and our memory can fade.

When I watched the movie: "I can only imagine", I cried so much. The forgiveness scene. His dad was trying so hard to make up for the past, but his son wasn't giving him a chance. The son said "and now you just want to come here, make breakfast, pretend like nothing happened. It doesn't work that way dad".

Sometimes I wonder if I remember things correctly. If I only remember the bad, or if I only remember the good, or if my weight for bad vs good is inaccurate. (I know, like who cares right?)

Cornell is a unique memory. It was a good time, but I also remember it was painful. It was painful, yet lovely. There were so many meaningful deep conversations in Cascadilla Hall, and in Eddygate. There were strong friendships formed. There were tears. There were amazing God moments, where you can really see God moving on campus, in people's hearts, through people's visions. But academics was hard. Not being smart enough was hard. Late nights, all nighters, cold winters, depression, unexplainable emotions, relational drama, etc. Cornell has some of the highest highs and lowest lows. Maybe not the highest and not the lowest anymore, but definitely has some of the top 5 best and worst times of my life.

The Israelites in the dessert who keep forgetting what God has done. And the disciples who forget Jesus just multiplied bread, though that's not really forgetting. That is more like not implementing that knowledge into an understanding of who Jesus is.

Memory is important because we need to remember what God has done, because that helps us know and remember who He is, and it helps keep us humble and thankful.
In the same way, if we remember what people have done in our lives, it keeps us humble and thankful and probably fosters better relationships.

What is the use of remembering the bad things? Part of it is good for learning--to learn from mistakes--whether yours or others. Part of it is just being rooted in reality. If you live in a dream world of only positive things and don't understand the reality of other people's pain, how can you empathize or speak into their lives? God doesn't cause pain, but he doesn't waste our pain.
Also, part of recognizing bad things and pain is so that you can deal with it and truly heal from the root. Truly forgive and let go, and let go of all expectations that your pain would ever be acknowledged. Just give it to God. God doesn't waste our pain. God makes us whole.

What do I want

In Sunday worship, I had this revelation about myself

I realized that I have a tendency to only want what I can have or achieve. Like, if I feel like I can't get it, I'll dismiss my desires and say I never wanted it, or that it's not that desirable. At first, I felt like it was a pride/character issue. That I can't lose, so if I'm going to lose, I'm not going to play/care. To some extent that is true. The other part is just being pessimistic and not having faith.

I also have a tendency to not want things or be cool with whatever. If what I want will cause conflict or get rejected, then I sometimes default to not wanting it. And it has created a pattern of not wanting things, or not knowing what I truly want, because what if what I truly want will cause conflict? What if what I want isn't "logical" so I can't explain it to people in a convincing way? So "I'm good with anything" becomes my default position. 

The first part is related to not being able to have what I want. The second part is related to my wants being rejected by others. Both combined lead me to feel that I cannot want anything. And over time, I lose touch with what I really want. 

This reflection is kind of hypothetical but my deepest gut feeling is that it's true. The reason it's hypothetical is because I don't have a lot of examples of things I really wanted deep inside but didn't know I wanted. 

Insurance

I ate lunch with some co-workers yesterday, all of whom were older
One thing they talked about was insurance. One person was talking about her husband who bikes 12 miles to work, and has gotten knocked off his bike twice. He still has a mild elbow injury that gets infected and needs to get checked up from time to time. The sales manager was like: "sue them". He told us how this one surgeon got hurt in his wrist and couldn't work for 1.5 years and sued the person for $600K and won. He also said that most auto insurance policies only cover $250K, but you can get an umbrella policy to cover the rest, and he has that, because people in the bay are rich and you never know who might sue you.

That was kind of a scary thought - that you can get sued and lose all your money from an accident. Of course, on the flip side, the biker's life is more important; you can lose your life in an instant from an accident. When I first heard about Prius's, I didn't want one. The point of a car is to be loud, so pedestrians can hear you. If there are signals on both ends, an accident can more likely be avoided, but if you have a silent car, it's on you to prevent the accident.
Anyway, let's say you have an auto accident and the other person sues you for a million dollars. Basically, you lose all your money.

 I guess that's not as bad as losing a life or other things.

Life is so fragile though. Happy times don't last forever. Maybe too pessimistic of a statement. Perhaps, more realistically, there are good times and bad times, but we have God in both.

But deep in my heart, I can say -- or I hope to be able to say in all circumstances, that God is good. That God, I love you so, so much. There's nothing else that matters, compared to you. Because I have you, I have everything truly. No amount of riches or losses can change that. In health, in sickness, in wealth, in poverty, in happiness, in suffering, whether it's me or people I care about, God is good.

I don't need no insurance. I have God, and no one can Him away from me.