Memory

I said: you hurt me
And she responded: why do you always only remember the times that I hurt you?

Well, I do remember both the good stuff and the bad, but because the hurt is more current, it sticks out more.

Last year, a couple told me about their first year of marriage.
The wife said: the first year was like hell. We hated each other.
The husband said: noo, it wasn't that bad. You're forgetting the good parts.
Wife: No, we really hated each other's guts.

It is quite interesting that different people remember the past differently. And it's quite scary sometimes too. Because what if you invest so much in someone, but you mess up at the end, and that's all they remember? It's kind of like the Christian walk. You don't want to mess up at the end.

It's like when people get divorced and they admit: I did love you at some point, but I don't now.
Pretty scary that our emotions can change and our memory can fade.

When I watched the movie: "I can only imagine", I cried so much. The forgiveness scene. His dad was trying so hard to make up for the past, but his son wasn't giving him a chance. The son said "and now you just want to come here, make breakfast, pretend like nothing happened. It doesn't work that way dad".

Sometimes I wonder if I remember things correctly. If I only remember the bad, or if I only remember the good, or if my weight for bad vs good is inaccurate. (I know, like who cares right?)

Cornell is a unique memory. It was a good time, but I also remember it was painful. It was painful, yet lovely. There were so many meaningful deep conversations in Cascadilla Hall, and in Eddygate. There were strong friendships formed. There were tears. There were amazing God moments, where you can really see God moving on campus, in people's hearts, through people's visions. But academics was hard. Not being smart enough was hard. Late nights, all nighters, cold winters, depression, unexplainable emotions, relational drama, etc. Cornell has some of the highest highs and lowest lows. Maybe not the highest and not the lowest anymore, but definitely has some of the top 5 best and worst times of my life.

The Israelites in the dessert who keep forgetting what God has done. And the disciples who forget Jesus just multiplied bread, though that's not really forgetting. That is more like not implementing that knowledge into an understanding of who Jesus is.

Memory is important because we need to remember what God has done, because that helps us know and remember who He is, and it helps keep us humble and thankful.
In the same way, if we remember what people have done in our lives, it keeps us humble and thankful and probably fosters better relationships.

What is the use of remembering the bad things? Part of it is good for learning--to learn from mistakes--whether yours or others. Part of it is just being rooted in reality. If you live in a dream world of only positive things and don't understand the reality of other people's pain, how can you empathize or speak into their lives? God doesn't cause pain, but he doesn't waste our pain.
Also, part of recognizing bad things and pain is so that you can deal with it and truly heal from the root. Truly forgive and let go, and let go of all expectations that your pain would ever be acknowledged. Just give it to God. God doesn't waste our pain. God makes us whole.

What do I want

In Sunday worship, I had this revelation about myself

I realized that I have a tendency to only want what I can have or achieve. Like, if I feel like I can't get it, I'll dismiss my desires and say I never wanted it, or that it's not that desirable. At first, I felt like it was a pride/character issue. That I can't lose, so if I'm going to lose, I'm not going to play/care. To some extent that is true. The other part is just being pessimistic and not having faith.

I also have a tendency to not want things or be cool with whatever. If what I want will cause conflict or get rejected, then I sometimes default to not wanting it. And it has created a pattern of not wanting things, or not knowing what I truly want, because what if what I truly want will cause conflict? What if what I want isn't "logical" so I can't explain it to people in a convincing way? So "I'm good with anything" becomes my default position. 

The first part is related to not being able to have what I want. The second part is related to my wants being rejected by others. Both combined lead me to feel that I cannot want anything. And over time, I lose touch with what I really want. 

This reflection is kind of hypothetical but my deepest gut feeling is that it's true. The reason it's hypothetical is because I don't have a lot of examples of things I really wanted deep inside but didn't know I wanted. 

Insurance

I ate lunch with some co-workers yesterday, all of whom were older
One thing they talked about was insurance. One person was talking about her husband who bikes 12 miles to work, and has gotten knocked off his bike twice. He still has a mild elbow injury that gets infected and needs to get checked up from time to time. The sales manager was like: "sue them". He told us how this one surgeon got hurt in his wrist and couldn't work for 1.5 years and sued the person for $600K and won. He also said that most auto insurance policies only cover $250K, but you can get an umbrella policy to cover the rest, and he has that, because people in the bay are rich and you never know who might sue you.

That was kind of a scary thought - that you can get sued and lose all your money from an accident. Of course, on the flip side, the biker's life is more important; you can lose your life in an instant from an accident. When I first heard about Prius's, I didn't want one. The point of a car is to be loud, so pedestrians can hear you. If there are signals on both ends, an accident can more likely be avoided, but if you have a silent car, it's on you to prevent the accident.
Anyway, let's say you have an auto accident and the other person sues you for a million dollars. Basically, you lose all your money.

 I guess that's not as bad as losing a life or other things.

Life is so fragile though. Happy times don't last forever. Maybe too pessimistic of a statement. Perhaps, more realistically, there are good times and bad times, but we have God in both.

But deep in my heart, I can say -- or I hope to be able to say in all circumstances, that God is good. That God, I love you so, so much. There's nothing else that matters, compared to you. Because I have you, I have everything truly. No amount of riches or losses can change that. In health, in sickness, in wealth, in poverty, in happiness, in suffering, whether it's me or people I care about, God is good.

I don't need no insurance. I have God, and no one can Him away from me.

Processing Mexico

Mexico messed up my life, but I'm not sure how it did, or what is messed up. If you were there with me, you probably wouldn't be able to tell that it had such an impact on me, because I'm generally undramatic, and I'm also a slow and internal processor. In the moment, I often don't even know how I feel, so it's unlikely that anyone else does. Sometimes it takes hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks to process.

Sometimes the processing never finishes, because I get lost. What am I even processing? Is it even accurate? What if I'm making it up? I get confused or depressed and give it up before any additional downward spiral begins.

Sometimes it's good. It makes me desperate for answers, for questions, for Jesus.

Mexico was great. It was eye opening to learn about trafficking, to spend time with the girls in the safe house, to walk around the red light district, see the prostitutes eating together, to hear about the work that is being done to fight trafficking, etc. It was great to be mentored by and spend time with people who love Jesus. I felt ministered-to, even though I was just a visitor.

The team hangouts and conversations about life and relationships were really nice. Sometimes it felt like college again--- eating tacos and walking around convenience stores at 9pm, chatting in the living room until midnight about every spiritual and deep topic possible. And then sharing a room with a good friend, and praying together before we both fall asleep. It really was like college for a week. It was so, so nice.

Part of me is like, dang that's the dream life. If you are a missionary, you get to hang with your team all the time like that. But that's not reality. I talked to one of the staff who has been there for 8 years. She talked about all the really hard hardships she went through in her time there, such that she was almost going to give up and go home. The reality is that life is hard. It's not all tacos and deep conversations at midnight.

But what else about Mexico messed me up? The love and family-like atmosphere among the staff and our team that went. It sucks to meet people, come to really love them and then have to leave.

In our debrief meeting, the staff was like: a lot of people ask us "what can we do?", and I used to say "Sell everything you have and move down here. I did it. so why can't you?" But now I tell people to "be the best that you can be". Be who God made you to be. It's not about building up this organization, but about building God's Kingdom.

He gave a good illustration. At the Church in Mexico, they asked if anyone wanted to go to Venezuela (via Columbia) to help with the Crisis, and many people came to say they wanted to go help. But he felt that something was off. He felt that some people just want to go help somewhere far away, but they're not doing God's will where they are currently at. It's like escapism.

So he said: focus on being in God's will and doing God's will where you are at. And that means being who God wants you to be. Being the best you. "Enjoy where you are at right now but continue to say yes to Him. You need to enjoy the present and not be stressed about the future or expectations of the future. Our focus needs to be Jesus. When He says move you move. But when the purpose becomes the focus, than it becomes an idol."

Great debrief. I just need to read that quote over and over again, and saturate myself with God's joy, and focus on living in the present.

Amen

29

I didn't get to do a birthday post after my birthday yet, because I went to Mexico city for a week to visit El Pozo de Vida, an organization that fights human trafficking in Mexico (and globally). It was an amazing experience, but I'm still processing it, so another post on that later.

Reflections on my 28th year:

• Went to the Philippines
• Started dating Jon (probably the biggest / most significant thing)
• Paid off MBA loans
• Became more involved in Church and cell group leading
• Strengthened my theology through wrestling with different issues
• Read a lot of books (mostly on deliverance, inner healing or other spiritual books)

Overall a really good year, though there were definitely tough weeks. It has been truly amazing to have close friends and community. 

For my 29th year, I hope to:

• Grow in character: wait on God, trust in God, be quick to admit fault, let go of pride, be honest with myself and God, proactively love those who are hard to love, actively not judge qualities/mindsets that are easy for me to judge
• Pray without ceasing: constantly be aware of God's presence and hear from Him even as I'm doing something else, pray continually in my spirit
• Love God without restraint: pour all of my affection and my actions out in loving God; don't hold back
• Live in the present: be engaged, active, high energy, responsive
• Use my gifts of administration, strategy, wisdom 
• Find things I love to do, and do them. life should never be boring if we are wholesome
• Be honest with myself, and continue being deep in general. I'm a deep thinker and that's how I flourish. 
• Invest wisely and be generous financially

Faith

Identity has been on my mind for a few years as something vital to deeply understand. But recently, in the past several months, faith is being highlighted to me as something important that I need to grow in.

Everything we do, we do in faith. Without faith, it is impossible to please God.
Amplied version says: "But without faith it is impossible to [walk with God and] please Him, for whoever comes [near] to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He rewards those who [earnestly and diligently] seek Him."

I have always been a practical person. I'm also realistic, to a point of almost being pessimistic. Therefore, I have very much relied on statistics and experience (including other people's experiences from hearing their stories, either 2nd or 3rd hand).

The bible does say that God's people die for lack of knowledge and I'm not against experience or wisdom, but I do believe that sometimes our trust in knowledge, wisdom, statistics and experience suffocate our faith in God.  It stifles our faith, joy, hope and love. And we lose sight of the gospel, God's healing power, miracles, His redemption and our beliefs.

The more we trust our experience, the more we fear, because we know so little. The more we trust in God, the greater our confidence, joy and hope, because He is way bigger than we are.

This is a really great article, titled "How to know if you're trusting God or just being stupid"
For me, it is great, because it is not conclusive about exactly what you should do. In many situations, you seek wise counsel, you pray, you use wisdom, but there is still not a black-and-white conclusion. Then there is the final call to make a decision. And you just go for it. I love how it says: "Whatever decision you make, offer it up in faith. Make it faith. Dedicate the decision and outcome to God". There is a reference to Romans 14:23 about the gray area of whether or not to eat food sacrificed to idols: "But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."
So ultimately, it is important to be single-minded, not double-minded and to make our decisions in faith. To offer your life up to God and every decision up to God in faith. And to pray in faith "with no doubting"  for the one who doubts is a "double-minded man, unstable in all he does" (James 1).

It is so, so reassuring that faith pleases God. Sometimes, we're just so concerned about doing the right thing, when maybe it doesn't matter so much because maybe there isn't one right solution or maybe we're not held accountable for the one right solution, but we are held accountable for our heart and whether or not we had faith.

Living out of a sonship identity

A few things that been on my mind for the past weeks

• Faith. Without it, it is impossible to please God. 
• The Cross, the blood of Jesus. Is really powerful. Redeems us.
• Ownership/sonship, & partnership with God

I was in a Hillsong concert, when suddenly I realized that my worship towards God felt different than it did a year ago. I was worshiping and praising God out of my identity as a child, not out of an identity as an ex-wretched person that He saved. That's why the song "Unashamed" bothers me; it has so much emphasis on being unworthy and praises God out of that identity or state of being unworthy. Obviously, we are unworthy compared to God, but by faith we are made righteous and a new creation. I feel like sometimes Christians intentionally put themselves down in order to praise God "more". God isn't insecure. We don't need to degrade ourselves to make Him look better. Additionally, we don't need to wrap our identity around being a sinner, when we are actually a new creation in Christ. We need to praise God out of our new identity. 

In fact, that is what God desires--that we worship Him out of this secure identity as His son/daughter. We are not slaves waiting to blindly receive an order from our master. God wants us to partner with Him in taking ownership over the things we are called to do here. We are His friends and sons/daughters, and we are co-heirs with Christ. 

I also realized that I like to downplay my abilities and accomplishments. I also like to spin things in a negative way in order to be funny or more "real"/genuine, because I guess the heart's cry of our generation is for realness. But sometimes the "realness" is a bit too real that it actually becomes unreal. We define what is real by what we say. If we say it enough times, it becomes real to us. 

So one area I have been downplaying/real-talking is how I ended up in California, why I got an MBA and why I like California. Every time someone asks me, I come up with a different answer. One of the latest inventions/answers is that I got an MBA so I wouldn't have to live in the middle of nowhere. When you live in the middle of nowhere, all your friends end up leaving you and moving to the big cities. All my friends from my first company have left already. When you live in California or a big city, people come to you. Now, all my Cornell friends are moving to where I am. I don't want to live in an undesirable location with no young Asian Americans like myself. 

Then a week later, I realized I was framing my life out of fear, rather than purpose. In essence, I am saying: I'm in California because I don't want to live in the middle of nowhere. --That's living out of fear, out of survival mode. Instead, I should say: I'm in California because God has called me here to make a difference, especially in my own culture and at work. 

I need to stop framing things out of fear/survival mentality, and start speaking out of an identity as a child of God, out of ownership, out of royalty. Bay area is my territory, and I'm here to make an impact. When I'm in survival mode, I just want to survive. When I'm in ownership mode, I say, this is my house, my land, my people. Is there pollution? Are there cliques at Church? Let's solve this together. Let's do something about it. Often, prayer changes our own hearts so that we become the solution and the answer to our prayers.