Hate sin

You know how sometimes you can feel that something is coming? Like something bad or something big is gonna happen, and you "feel it coming"? Well.

I feel my downfall coming.

I probably shouldn't say that. But it's true. If I don't change, it will come.

I need to hate sin. Recently/past few days or more, I felt like (or realized) my Christian life has been running on momentum, like a train whose engine just turned off and yet is still running only because of momentum. It's easy to run on this Christian auto-pilot momentum thing without knowing that you're running on it. because it looks the same, both to the outside world and to yourself. The train is still moving, and it feels almost the same... but doesn't last forever. Hence the downfall.

I need to hate sin. A sister sent me this site about mortification of sin. It's really good. Downfall doesn't happen overnight; it's a build-up. And perhaps one of the first steps toward downfall is forgetting what it means to hate sin. Another is pride.

Pride. Just this past monday, I was surprised at how upset/frustrated I was that I couldn't find good courses to take. My mom prayed for me, then told me to pray too. I was silent for a minute. She was like "why aren't you praying?" I was like "I don't know what to pray". That was a lie. What I meant was, I don't want to pray. What I meant was, 'I don't want God to change my heart. I don't want to realize that my frustrations are silly. I don't want to realize that all I need to do is trust God.' ... Anyway, I ended up trying to pray. It was probably more like angry mumbling, saying things like "God help me to ___, even though I don't want to". (with irritated tone emphasis on 'even though I don't want to'. But the awesome thing is that God still listens to prayer even when we pray in an irritated fashion.) But yea, it's funny how we know we're supposed to assume that we are prideful, and yet when symptoms of this pride come up, we're still surprised.

By the way Romans 8 is awesome. I love the progression from talking about not gratifying the desires of the flesh to talking about how the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses to talking about how great God's love is. What a great progression. This is why we hate sin. Because we love God. Because God's love is so great.

Seeing myself in my brother

Just now I felt annoyance toward my brother, which I haven't felt in a while. At first analysis/thought, I just concluded it must be because he's not paying attention while doing homework, is getting distracted, playing with coins, making noises, eating things every so often, and doing like 1 easy math problem every 10 minutes, and I have to keep reminding him, "thomas, do your homework". (We were working across from each other in the dining room. We usually work together because he doesn't like working alone.) After a couple hours of this, I was feeling pretty annoyed and upset, and told my mom my frustration. She told me to go work upstairs in my room and that she would work with him. I packed my stuff up and headed upstairs, but before I did, she said (gently), "Only parents don't give up on their kids. Siblings still aren't the same".

Well, so after ten minutes of reflection, I realized the deeper/real reason why I was upset. It was because I saw my own weaknesses in my brother. Early today, I had told him to do his homework. He said "I did", which I knew was a lie. I said, "No you didn't. Hurry up and do your homework". And he said "even if I finish my homework, there's nothing else to do". He wants some grand activity or prize after doing homework, like watching a movie or going somewhere or playing a game. He wants me or someone to promise him that there will be some fun reward after finishing his homework. I was like "why do you need some grand prize at the end of your homework? You should just finish your homework and then figure out something to do".

I realized that I so badly wanted my brother to be self-motivated. To just do it. Gosh, why can't you just do it? Why can't you just be responsible and have a good work ethic and just do your homework as soon as possible so you can go do other stuff later? I used to be the kind of kid who would eat the vegetables first, and then eat the yummy stuff later. My brother eats the yummy stuff first, in hopes of the possibility of getting out of having to eat the yucky stuff. I thought my brother and I were opposites in our work ethic, in our sense of responsibility.

But I am the same as him. Sigh. It sucks to realize that what you dislike about someone else is also what you are.

I'm tempted right now to decide to change, to muster up all my internal determination and tell myself seriously that I will finally change. But I don't do the changing. God does the changing. I need to remember that I am powerless on my own, that I can never take pride in so-called "will-power", or "determination", but that through God, all things are possible. In fact, I'm already inevitably changing each day as I allow the Spirit to work within me. Allowing God. That's hard-- our pride hinders us from receiving what God has already given us. That's why changing your character is so hard. Also, I think that a lot of times, we need to forgive ourselves (and others) for not being perfect, as God has already forgiven us.

Several weeks ago in church, I was told that most Christians have this methodology:

I am not _____ [insert biblical adjective, like 'holy']

I should be _____; Therefore, be _____

But instead we should use the logical progression used in the bible, which is:

I am _____; Be ______

(like 'you are perfect' 'be perfect')

It was pretty cool to realize. A sister told me that she thinks that the second way of thinking helps her to change, knowing that she is already____(renewed).

by the way, my brother started really focusing and finished pretty quickly after I left. He came up to tell me he was finished while I was still writing this post.. probably to cheer me up or something. I told him the real reason why I was upset. (he's 10 years old)

Shout out to all you younger siblings: sorry that older siblings suck and always want you to be perfect and always think they're better or know better. maybe not all older siblings, just ones like me.

Lost the Awe

Have you ever read Psalms and just wanted to skim through parts of it? because it's like the same thing, blah blah, I know what you are trying to say; it's all flowery/descriptive and sometimes you're not "feeling it". Actually most of the time, that is. What I mean is Psalm 104.

It's actually really beautiful. And I didn't have the patience to read it. And even after reading it, I'm not "getting it". ...Like, if I sit back and really read the imagery, I can see how the author is so in awe of God. How else can you come up with this lavish imagery? you can tell that the author really has a sense of the majesty and greatness of God--something I have lost.

“With the loss of the sense of majesty has come the further loss of religious awe and consciousness of the divine Presence. We have lost the spirit of worship and our ability to withdraw inwardly to meet God in adoring silence… The words ‘Be still, and know that I am God’, mean next to nothing to the self-confident, bustling worshiper in this middle period of the twentieth century” ~A.W. Tozer

(This also reminds me of something a brother once said about a song)

Love is Blind

The phrase 'love is blind' was coined by Shakespeare in Merchant of Venice

But love is blind and lovers cannot see

I was reading Genesis 3 just now and read the part when Adam and Eve's eyes were opened and they saw that they were naked and were scared because of their nakedness and hid. And God is like "who told you you were naked?"

Love is blind. After they ate, their eyes were opened. Before they sinned, they were "blind" to how they were naked; they loved God; they were consumed by His presence.

When someone is in love, or in love with God, you can tell. because they're blind, consumed. Every part of their life is affected.

Separation of Ministry and Personal Life?

When people ask me how my semester went, I think of my semester in terms of two different aspects: the Christian movement aspect, and my own personal struggles.

If I start talking about the Christian movement aspect and all the things God has been doing on this campus, and what God has been leading me to do this semester, etc., it'll be a great conversation.

As for my own personal struggles, most of the time I don't feel them, so I ignore the fact that they might exist. But when they do bubble up, I can't ignore them.

So I wonder how separated ministry and personal life should be, if at all? And what separation even means? In my mind, they are separated because I can't think about them together. I feel encouraged when I think about the Christian movement, but not so much when I think about my personal issues/struggles, which is why I try not to think too much about my personal struggles since I feel that they aren't that God-glorifying.

But today I thought about great pastors who are great at preaching, great at ministry, always fired up about God and encouraging other brothers/sisters, but terrible at being a father or husband, and not great at home.

I'm beginning to see that it's possible and easy to separate ministry and personal life, and to put God in the ministry part, but not the personal life part. It's easy to encourage yourself by thinking about the ministry part and ignoring personal faults/weaknesses/tendencies/struggles/daily life practical character issues. It's kinda scary how easy it is.

It's important to allow God to move in both parts of your life, and to mesh the two together. Your home is also your ministry. Your family is your ministry. Your closest friends are your ministry. What I mean is you never stop loving and showing grace to those around you, and letting God's light shine through you, and letting the Spirit move through you and in you. We don't remind ourselves to do these things. It's supposed to be natural. We're supposed to be transformed by God--our whole being. Not just when we're outside of our homes. Let us seek and pursue Him who changes us, who disciplines us, who reveals our weaknesses to us. If our "family"/inner lives are struggling, it's a wakeup call to be honest with God about our personal walks with Him. Do we really know Him? Do we really love Him? Are we in love with Him, consumed by Him?

Love is Powerful

Aren’t you glad that our God is powerful? That the One we love is also able to save us? That He is worthy of our praise? I was thinking about what this means—that God is powerful, not some artificial teddy bear.

I thought about how, sometimes, I look at someone’s needs and I know I don’t have the time or ability to help them. And I realize that I myself do not have the power to help them, but God does.

Sometimes I’m in that situation too. Especially the times last year when I couldn’t do my CS or ECE project, and I knew there was no one who could help me. My code was beyond repair, my knowledge deficit beyond help. People could comfort me and tell me that it’s okay; they could give me tips, or explain the directions. People could love me the best they could, but they had no power to change my situation.

The power to change situations is important; we are a needy and desperate people. We need God; God gives life.

What does it mean to need God, to be desperate in our need?... I remember my desperation last year when I was in ECE lab and didn’t understand what to do. I remember telling myself that I would be willing to do anything for someone to help me. It was really scary to even think that I ever thought something like that for something so silly. But that actually is how helpless I felt. I was so grateful that someone who didn’t even know me was willing to work with me, although I knew nothing, and he basically did the lab for me or told me what to do. After that lab, I called my mom and cried because it was just such a scary experience—feeling so desperate that you can’t think of anything you wouldn’t do to get help. I’ve never felt that desperate before, and have not felt that desperate since then; at least not about non-spiritual things. In the same way we are helpless when it comes to being able to save ourselves from death. We can’t. but God can. And He has.

And so after thinking about this analogy from own life, I understood better what trusting in God was about, and what it means to really need God, to be desperate spiritually. We are not trusting in someone who doesn’t exist, who is weak, who has weaknesses. We are trusting the One who is worthy of our trust. It is a trust that makes sense. God is worthy. And we need Him. We desperately need Him.

Immersion as Love

What does it mean to be in the world, to be immersed in it, not just to dabble in it?

Immersion and dabbling are different. Dabbling is going in and then quickly coming out. Immersing is losing track of time. It is putting your entire heart into it. Into loving the world. The people of this world.

Picture yourselves going to hang out with prostitutes, or brothel girls—to eat with them, socialize with them, live where they live. Stop. In this imagery, did you try to immerse in their culture, laugh with them? Or did you just sit awkwardly with them and observe them and try to have “polite” but reserved talk due to excessive culture shock?

Apostle Paul says that he became weak to reach the weak, and he became whatever other groups were in order to reach them. In this he did not mean that he compromised his moral standards, but that he tried to position himself among them, rather than above them or outside of them. He tried to relate to them, not focus on his discomfort, the culture shock or awkwardness. Eat with the prostitutes; hang out with the tax collectors.

Let us give our hearts to love those whom God loves, to be in the world, immersed in it, to “lose track of time”, putting our whole hearts into loving and becoming whatever is called for to reach the lost.

Lord, teach me what this means. Teach me how to live.
No. Show me how to die. So I can live for you. Shores of Grace