Home

 Recently, a first gen Chinese father in his 60s was talking to some of us. One thing he said stuck with me for a few days afterwards. He was like: "I don't know why, but it seems like ABCs are always looking for home." (ABCs being American born Chinese, aka Asian Americans in modern speak)

But yea, it's true. why. why is that?

I remember when I first got to college, I didn't want to join an Asian fellowship because I was like: the real world is not just Asians. I need to learn to make friends with other races. But I visited a few fellowships and I just felt at "home" at Chinese Bible Study (CBS). I got a care package at my dorm room with my name on it and a fish drawn on it (because I told them I had a pet fish in my dorm). It felt so personalized, and my heart melted. And then they offered to give us "older prayer partners" (aka "big sis" relationship), and I was sold. I wanted to be taken care of, love-showered, and feel at home, more than my idealistic thoughts about learning to be friends with diverse groups of people.

I was thinking about this past year -- 2020. I've eaten with 4 different families (as in my friends or SO & their parents) in CA. I love eating with families. It feels so homey and full of love. It feels like they're my family too. It just feels so warm, like they're looking out for me, even though I'm not their biological kid. Sometimes I love it so much, that I'm like: what is wrong with me? I'm not like an orphan. I have a family already. 

I actually rarely feel homesick. In college I never felt homesick. Same with upstate NY and California. I've never felt homesick. The only time I ever felt homesick was a short period in MBA in Michigan. There were a lot of breaks--winter break, spring break, etc. And I always went home during those breaks. At home, there are always tons of family friends over at our house. They come over multiple times a week, without prior warning. They're just like "we're coming in an hour; we'll bring some food", and they come over for dinner. Or my brother's friends are always over, and then my dad ends up feeding them. It feels like our home is a home to many others. Sometimes my cousin is over too, and my dad is basically a second father to him. It just felt full and lively and homey, and I missed NJ home during that time. 

My dad got me a really nice mirrorless micro 4/3rd camera (basically a "travel DSLR" for non-camera people) right before MBA, because I was going to Iceland at the start of MBA. I remember during MBA, thinking to myself: I now have the best camera I have ever had in my life, but no people to take pictures of. 

When I was applying for jobs post-MBA and trying really hard to get a job in NJ so I could live at home, my college friend Justin was like: "you don't want to live at home!" and I was like: "why not? yea, I guess you're right. I should just get my own life somewhere" and he said: "it's a difficult balance. home vs making your own home". and I replied: "it's hard to make your own home"

Well, I guess, in the past 3+ years I have made my own home. Here, in CA. Home is where the people you love are. Home is where there are people you want to take pictures of. (I know, I'm such a camera mom already)

a card to God

I can be quite good at writing cards. Perhaps because I can have deep affections for people that are difficult for me to express in person, so I write it in a card. Or perhaps because when I am alone, I can access my deepest emotions more easily. 

I had a realization recently that I'm not sure if I've written God a card before. Sure, I've journaled and I've prayed. But the format of the cards that I write are different. They're deeper and more affectionate. They recount history, contain gratefulness, express hope for a future together. 

I'm going to write God a card.

One time, I told a friend "you know I can't refuse you", and she said that's what she says to God. And I thought to myself: wait, I've never said that to God before. 

Recently, I've been more expressive towards God in this way. When I think of something affectionate I want to tell God, I write it down so I don't forget it. So that I can reread it later and feel the affection that I felt in that moment. 

Things like:

God, your dreams are my dreams

I will keep my heart soft for you. I will engage, for you. I will try, for you

It is my honor and my desire to follow and obey you. You touch the deepest innermost parts of my heart

Life is fun, full of hope, because it's with you 

Often, the reason I can write good cards is because I allow the affections for the person to fester and grow as I draft the card. I'm doing that now with God too. I'm going to write a really good card to God. 

2020, a year of change

I suddenly had a realization today.

That I will miss 2020. I will miss this time. 

Not to be insensitive about how horrible this pandemic, the fires, worsening global economy, etc are... but I am starting to love my life right now.

I have so much time to myself, to read, to sleep, to chat with people, to do hobbies, to journal, to experience God's presence. I can sleep late and also sleep in unless I have early meetings. I have grown personally; I have learned things about myself. I have grown spiritually. Many of my friendships have deepened, and sometimes it almost feels like I'm on a constant retreat. Those Church retreats where you stay up late to talk, because this is the one time all year you can do that with your friends. Except every week is like a retreat. The last few months feel like a long retreat to me. A retreat of personal discovery, and deepened relationships with God and people.

Also, because of all the stuff happening this year, I can feel people around me changing, including myself. Not just people changing, but routines changing, procedures and processes changing. I like this type of change because it helps people break out of their old routine, their old way of thinking and rethink their life. 

For example, my manager said he never thought we would be able to do quarter close remotely. But now that we have done it for several quarters, he is rethinking his long term ideals for working from home. Perhaps even after COVID is over, we will work from home half the week. Also, he never thought he personally could work from home effectively, given that he has kids. But it turns out that he can. 

Things we thought we couldn't do, or wouldn't be effective, turn out to be fine during COVID. If we can change our life routines, we can change other more important things too, like our hearts. 

I am so excited because I am starting to see this change. I am starting to see a shift, in myself and others.

Change is hard. but this year, we are forced or pushed to change. Pushed to rethink life. (The negative approach to thinking about this is: if we can't even change this year, then when can we ever change? If we can't humble ourselves in a pandemic, when can we ever be humble? - I admit that in my frustration with humanity and perhaps myself, I have thought these thoughts too. Rest assured that I am by no means "overly" optimistic here.)

A couple years ago, I had a life coach for 8 months. She's a professional life coach and an ordained minister. She was really great. I thought it was funny though, that even though life coaches aren't supposed to tell you their personal opinion; they're supposed to just help you discover it yourself, she would tell me that through her many years of personal experience, she has realized that "people don't change". So she told me to not expect people to change. 

I both agree and disagree.

People do change. I have seen people change. If they want to, and/or if God intervenes. It's just a slow and stubborn process. It's often slower than you want, but faster than you think. And when you look at it every day, you won't notice any change. But if you step back and look holistically, you'll realize, there has been (some) change after all. 

But yes, the core of who we are, doesn't change. And yes, a lot of people don't change. (at least not in the way that you want them to :P )

Can women "have it all"?

 Just read this article about why women can't have it all, and how even the famous line "you can have it all, but just not all at once" is not entirely accurate. 

Of course the article was written by an extremely ambitious woman--  and I have no desire to be as ambitious (she wakes up at 4:30am etc and only comes home on weekends)

But it reminded me of when I felt strongly about this subject a year or two ago. Even though no one has ever come up to me and explicitly said "if you were a mother and got promoted to be a director, I would not respect that as much as if a guy/father got promoted to be a director", I have always strongly felt that sentiment. Just from observation of Asian or traditional culture, and the way they (over) praise men who do well in their careers and "talk about" women who do well in their careers in this weird tone, makes me feel uneasy. About successful women, they'll say things like: That girl is very "li hai" (in chinese), which means that woman is very capable, but it's like this neutral to almost negative tone, implying they are "aggressive", which tends to be a negative connotation for women. 

It's like the aggressive woman that is unwanted for marriage. 

Even though I wouldn't consider myself an aggressive woman, maybe it is because I've never been allowed to show that part of myself, because it's not wanted in this world. And I don't want to be unwanted.

I remember when I used to play tennis, I was always jealous of men's tennis and how they could hit winners and then scream at their opponent "Yea!!!" whereas women had to be nice and do a silent fist pump to themselves. I want to win obnoxiously too, like men. 

I think when I had this realization that not everyone has the same respect for women as they have for men who are successful in their careers, I felt unmotivated to really try in my career. Like, why should I try when I won't be rewarded socially? (Because I also have a desire to be socially accepted and socially successful). If a woman earns $300K and is an executive at a fortune 500 company, people are wary of her ability to be a "present mother", but if a man does the same, he is praised. How is that fair? 

Anyway, I have honestly never considered myself a feminist. I have even mocked / teased my feminist friends. But today is the day I repent for that. Because I realized that maybe I do empathize with the hurt women have felt, from sexist thoughts. Though, similar to the article, I do believe women and men were created differently and there are inherent gender differences. But, women can have dreams too. 

Unspent Love

 Unspent love

Is that a thing? Did I make that up?

During this season, I see a very limited set of close friends. But I would dare say that the hangouts (either online, in-person or via chat) are even deeper, more meaningful and more treasured than before COVID. Yet, I want more.

There is a deep, deep hunger for more. More depth, more affection, more touch, more eye contact, deeper connection, deeper trust, deeper love

And it feels like there is this well of unspent love that needs to be given away. I want to hug/touch people, gaze into people's eyes, connect with people through personal/deeper convos.  Before COVID, people were busy, so I don't know if my interactions with people were even as deep (at least not as frequently). But for some reason, COVID (and everything else going on in the world) brings out this greater longing for unity, for connection, for spiritual hunger, for love, for change, for more. I don't know what that more is. I'm just unsatisfied, even as I am content. I have what I need but I still want more. 

Strong feelings are always scary. because. Is it normal? Am I different? Are they from God, or my flesh?

Lord, purify my desires and use them for your glory

Unspent, pent-up love. How does it get released? I can't just "do things" like volunteer; that'll burn me out. It has to be something that truly vibes with me, that is highly connected to my affections and passions. Maybe it's as simple as spending time gazing into the eyes of Jesus, into the heart of God. 

Continuously Awake

 I woke in bits, like all children, piecemeal over the years. I discovered myself and the world, and forgot them, and discovered them again. I woke at intervals until, by that September when Father went down the river, the intervals of waking tipped the scales, and I was more often awake than not. I noticed this process of waking, and predicted with terrifying logic that one of these years not far away I would be awake continuously and never slip back, and never be free of myself again (11) – An American Childhood by Annie Dillard

I read this in 8th or 9th grade. It is such a deep quote, full of deep self-awareness of what it means to become an adult.

Recently, I thought of that quote because I could relate to it. As you grow older, you realize more and more, you can never go back to the more "carefree" days. Life only gets more complex. It's not that I'm relating to the "process of waking", but rather the process of entering into a complex world and knowing reality that you can never un-know again. Once you enter into this reality, you can't escape it. You can't slip back and be free of yourself again. Once you have responsibilities in life, you can't go back to being the child you once were. Once you enter into community and relationship with people, you're committed to both the joy and the pain.

It never ends, and it's a long journey. The older you get, the deeper into life you go, and the more involved with people you get, and the more settled down and committed you are,  the more you realize how complex and nuanced everything is, how un-black-and-white everything is, how there are no straight forward answers. The more you realize that you have to do the hard work of listening, understanding, humbling yourself, deciding upon your convictions but expressing them in love, bringing people together, jumping into your own emotional mess or other people's messes, dealing with the past, healing from the past, asking for forgiveness, trusting in the way God sees you even though no one else sees what God sees, trying to help others to see others the way God sees them.

People are hard, but they're worth it. Church unity is hard, but it's worth it. Having kids is hard, but it's worth it. Family relationships are hard, but family is forever. And Church is family. 

I think it's like deciding to adopt a 10-year-old kid who has a LOT of "issues" because they've been an orphan for so long. Once you commit to adopting, you're committing for life. You can't back out. You're not a foster parent; you're their real parent. You have to deal with all the complexities, including your kid saying "I hate you; you're not my real parent" or things like that. You have to deal with their childhood wounds that you didn't even cause.

As I said in a previous post, love is messy. But it's worth it. Love is beautiful

Wanting more

I had a video call with a few girls, and it was good but left me unsatisfied and wanting more. After the call, I took a nap to attempt to nap away my desires. 

I want to look in people's eyes, feel their presence, sense their emotions, read their minds and souls, hug them, lean on them, hear their voices all at once, see their entire body, see their posture, hear their laughter and giggles

In-person hangouts are just so much better

But I guess if you live together, like family, you basically take that for granted, and you don't even look into each others' eyes. You just... like.. watch TV together or whatever. 

It's weird. to get to a state, where you don't want "more" of the other person. You're just comfortable ? Satisfied? do your own thing ? I guess at the end of the day, you'd want both. You want to feel safe and comfortable with people you are close to. (Messy room? who cares? it's just family.) 

After a while there is nothing more to know, nothing new to tease people about, and what's left is just partnership and support. Running the race together. Achieving the same goals together. 

I've always loved camaraderie

Trust

Loyalty

Deep affection

Why can't things last forever?

There is a well of emotion in me that is unexplainable. Just like the depth of Keira Knightley's eyes in Pride and Prejudice. 

I love eyes. I love vulnerability. I love people who say my name. 

I like touch. I like leaning on people physically. I like hugs.

I like sincerity. I like loyalty. I like genuine. I like transparency. 

I like that feeling when someone asks you a question that is so deep and intrusive that you suddenly feel naked. Your eyes open bigger and blink a couple of times before you're able to answer. Or the feeling when someone you trust gives you unexpected firm but gentle/loving feedback, and your eyes become very wide and obedient, and your heart becomes humbled. 

I wish that good times could last forever too. 

But I also pray that my heart can be enlarged to keep loving, with the same depth, every new person that is in front of me. despite how many changes life may bring