Insurance

I ate lunch with some co-workers yesterday, all of whom were older
One thing they talked about was insurance. One person was talking about her husband who bikes 12 miles to work, and has gotten knocked off his bike twice. He still has a mild elbow injury that gets infected and needs to get checked up from time to time. The sales manager was like: "sue them". He told us how this one surgeon got hurt in his wrist and couldn't work for 1.5 years and sued the person for $600K and won. He also said that most auto insurance policies only cover $250K, but you can get an umbrella policy to cover the rest, and he has that, because people in the bay are rich and you never know who might sue you.

That was kind of a scary thought - that you can get sued and lose all your money from an accident. Of course, on the flip side, the biker's life is more important; you can lose your life in an instant from an accident. When I first heard about Prius's, I didn't want one. The point of a car is to be loud, so pedestrians can hear you. If there are signals on both ends, an accident can more likely be avoided, but if you have a silent car, it's on you to prevent the accident.
Anyway, let's say you have an auto accident and the other person sues you for a million dollars. Basically, you lose all your money.

 I guess that's not as bad as losing a life or other things.

Life is so fragile though. Happy times don't last forever. Maybe too pessimistic of a statement. Perhaps, more realistically, there are good times and bad times, but we have God in both.

But deep in my heart, I can say -- or I hope to be able to say in all circumstances, that God is good. That God, I love you so, so much. There's nothing else that matters, compared to you. Because I have you, I have everything truly. No amount of riches or losses can change that. In health, in sickness, in wealth, in poverty, in happiness, in suffering, whether it's me or people I care about, God is good.

I don't need no insurance. I have God, and no one can Him away from me.

Processing Mexico

Mexico messed up my life, but I'm not sure how it did, or what is messed up. If you were there with me, you probably wouldn't be able to tell that it had such an impact on me, because I'm generally undramatic, and I'm also a slow and internal processor. In the moment, I often don't even know how I feel, so it's unlikely that anyone else does. Sometimes it takes hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks to process.

Sometimes the processing never finishes, because I get lost. What am I even processing? Is it even accurate? What if I'm making it up? I get confused or depressed and give it up before any additional downward spiral begins.

Sometimes it's good. It makes me desperate for answers, for questions, for Jesus.

Mexico was great. It was eye opening to learn about trafficking, to spend time with the girls in the safe house, to walk around the red light district, see the prostitutes eating together, to hear about the work that is being done to fight trafficking, etc. It was great to be mentored by and spend time with people who love Jesus. I felt ministered-to, even though I was just a visitor.

The team hangouts and conversations about life and relationships were really nice. Sometimes it felt like college again--- eating tacos and walking around convenience stores at 9pm, chatting in the living room until midnight about every spiritual and deep topic possible. And then sharing a room with a good friend, and praying together before we both fall asleep. It really was like college for a week. It was so, so nice.

Part of me is like, dang that's the dream life. If you are a missionary, you get to hang with your team all the time like that. But that's not reality. I talked to one of the staff who has been there for 8 years. She talked about all the really hard hardships she went through in her time there, such that she was almost going to give up and go home. The reality is that life is hard. It's not all tacos and deep conversations at midnight.

But what else about Mexico messed me up? The love and family-like atmosphere among the staff and our team that went. It sucks to meet people, come to really love them and then have to leave.

In our debrief meeting, the staff was like: a lot of people ask us "what can we do?", and I used to say "Sell everything you have and move down here. I did it. so why can't you?" But now I tell people to "be the best that you can be". Be who God made you to be. It's not about building up this organization, but about building God's Kingdom.

He gave a good illustration. At the Church in Mexico, they asked if anyone wanted to go to Venezuela (via Columbia) to help with the Crisis, and many people came to say they wanted to go help. But he felt that something was off. He felt that some people just want to go help somewhere far away, but they're not doing God's will where they are currently at. It's like escapism.

So he said: focus on being in God's will and doing God's will where you are at. And that means being who God wants you to be. Being the best you. "Enjoy where you are at right now but continue to say yes to Him. You need to enjoy the present and not be stressed about the future or expectations of the future. Our focus needs to be Jesus. When He says move you move. But when the purpose becomes the focus, than it becomes an idol."

Great debrief. I just need to read that quote over and over again, and saturate myself with God's joy, and focus on living in the present.

Amen

29

I didn't get to do a birthday post after my birthday yet, because I went to Mexico city for a week to visit El Pozo de Vida, an organization that fights human trafficking in Mexico (and globally). It was an amazing experience, but I'm still processing it, so another post on that later.

Reflections on my 28th year:

• Went to the Philippines
• Started dating Jon (probably the biggest / most significant thing)
• Paid off MBA loans
• Became more involved in Church and cell group leading
• Strengthened my theology through wrestling with different issues
• Read a lot of books (mostly on deliverance, inner healing or other spiritual books)

Overall a really good year, though there were definitely tough weeks. It has been truly amazing to have close friends and community. 

For my 29th year, I hope to:

• Grow in character: wait on God, trust in God, be quick to admit fault, let go of pride, be honest with myself and God, proactively love those who are hard to love, actively not judge qualities/mindsets that are easy for me to judge
• Pray without ceasing: constantly be aware of God's presence and hear from Him even as I'm doing something else, pray continually in my spirit
• Love God without restraint: pour all of my affection and my actions out in loving God; don't hold back
• Live in the present: be engaged, active, high energy, responsive
• Use my gifts of administration, strategy, wisdom 
• Find things I love to do, and do them. life should never be boring if we are wholesome
• Be honest with myself, and continue being deep in general. I'm a deep thinker and that's how I flourish. 
• Invest wisely and be generous financially

Faith

Identity has been on my mind for a few years as something vital to deeply understand. But recently, in the past several months, faith is being highlighted to me as something important that I need to grow in.

Everything we do, we do in faith. Without faith, it is impossible to please God.
Amplied version says: "But without faith it is impossible to [walk with God and] please Him, for whoever comes [near] to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He rewards those who [earnestly and diligently] seek Him."

I have always been a practical person. I'm also realistic, to a point of almost being pessimistic. Therefore, I have very much relied on statistics and experience (including other people's experiences from hearing their stories, either 2nd or 3rd hand).

The bible does say that God's people die for lack of knowledge and I'm not against experience or wisdom, but I do believe that sometimes our trust in knowledge, wisdom, statistics and experience suffocate our faith in God.  It stifles our faith, joy, hope and love. And we lose sight of the gospel, God's healing power, miracles, His redemption and our beliefs.

The more we trust our experience, the more we fear, because we know so little. The more we trust in God, the greater our confidence, joy and hope, because He is way bigger than we are.

This is a really great article, titled "How to know if you're trusting God or just being stupid"
For me, it is great, because it is not conclusive about exactly what you should do. In many situations, you seek wise counsel, you pray, you use wisdom, but there is still not a black-and-white conclusion. Then there is the final call to make a decision. And you just go for it. I love how it says: "Whatever decision you make, offer it up in faith. Make it faith. Dedicate the decision and outcome to God". There is a reference to Romans 14:23 about the gray area of whether or not to eat food sacrificed to idols: "But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."
So ultimately, it is important to be single-minded, not double-minded and to make our decisions in faith. To offer your life up to God and every decision up to God in faith. And to pray in faith "with no doubting"  for the one who doubts is a "double-minded man, unstable in all he does" (James 1).

It is so, so reassuring that faith pleases God. Sometimes, we're just so concerned about doing the right thing, when maybe it doesn't matter so much because maybe there isn't one right solution or maybe we're not held accountable for the one right solution, but we are held accountable for our heart and whether or not we had faith.

Living out of a sonship identity

A few things that been on my mind for the past weeks

• Faith. Without it, it is impossible to please God. 
• The Cross, the blood of Jesus. Is really powerful. Redeems us.
• Ownership/sonship, & partnership with God

I was in a Hillsong concert, when suddenly I realized that my worship towards God felt different than it did a year ago. I was worshiping and praising God out of my identity as a child, not out of an identity as an ex-wretched person that He saved. That's why the song "Unashamed" bothers me; it has so much emphasis on being unworthy and praises God out of that identity or state of being unworthy. Obviously, we are unworthy compared to God, but by faith we are made righteous and a new creation. I feel like sometimes Christians intentionally put themselves down in order to praise God "more". God isn't insecure. We don't need to degrade ourselves to make Him look better. Additionally, we don't need to wrap our identity around being a sinner, when we are actually a new creation in Christ. We need to praise God out of our new identity. 

In fact, that is what God desires--that we worship Him out of this secure identity as His son/daughter. We are not slaves waiting to blindly receive an order from our master. God wants us to partner with Him in taking ownership over the things we are called to do here. We are His friends and sons/daughters, and we are co-heirs with Christ. 

I also realized that I like to downplay my abilities and accomplishments. I also like to spin things in a negative way in order to be funny or more "real"/genuine, because I guess the heart's cry of our generation is for realness. But sometimes the "realness" is a bit too real that it actually becomes unreal. We define what is real by what we say. If we say it enough times, it becomes real to us. 

So one area I have been downplaying/real-talking is how I ended up in California, why I got an MBA and why I like California. Every time someone asks me, I come up with a different answer. One of the latest inventions/answers is that I got an MBA so I wouldn't have to live in the middle of nowhere. When you live in the middle of nowhere, all your friends end up leaving you and moving to the big cities. All my friends from my first company have left already. When you live in California or a big city, people come to you. Now, all my Cornell friends are moving to where I am. I don't want to live in an undesirable location with no young Asian Americans like myself. 

Then a week later, I realized I was framing my life out of fear, rather than purpose. In essence, I am saying: I'm in California because I don't want to live in the middle of nowhere. --That's living out of fear, out of survival mode. Instead, I should say: I'm in California because God has called me here to make a difference, especially in my own culture and at work. 

I need to stop framing things out of fear/survival mentality, and start speaking out of an identity as a child of God, out of ownership, out of royalty. Bay area is my territory, and I'm here to make an impact. When I'm in survival mode, I just want to survive. When I'm in ownership mode, I say, this is my house, my land, my people. Is there pollution? Are there cliques at Church? Let's solve this together. Let's do something about it. Often, prayer changes our own hearts so that we become the solution and the answer to our prayers.

Prayer is holding God's hand

Prayer is holding God's hand.

That's what I wanted to say when my cell group leader asked us: "What is prayer?"
But I restrained myself from saying something that sounded ridiculously theologically unsound.

But my entire heart said it. I just looked at her and said it in my heart. For more than a week, this has been stuck with me. Prayer is holding God's hand.

What does it mean to hold someone's hand? What does it feel like? What does it imply?
It is hard to explain, but the feeling and imagery of holding God's hand is knowing that you are connected to God. No matter how difficult things may get, at least you are holding His hand. You trust Him; He is with you.

Even in the good times, He is there, and you are holding His hand, connected. You know Him. He is right beside you.

So yea. God spoke to me through my own bizarre thought/inner- voice.
Prayer is holding God's hand.

Even David in Psalm 16:8 says "I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken".
Some people say this verse implies that David uses imagery in his relationship with God because he "sets" aka imagines God at his right hand. Of course, all the grounded Christians are bothered by the word "imagine" because that word is often used in a way that implies falsehood or fantasy / made-up stuff. But think of the word "imagine" like meditating. Meditating on God's word day and night, but in a more picture-esque way. I picture myself holding God's hand, but it's not an image; it's more like an impression or feeling or knowing. In my heart, I know I am holding God's hand.

Prayer is holding God's hand

Because He lives

This hymn is what I need at this moment

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives. 

Indeed, at this moment, I am holding onto life because I believe in Jesus. I believe in Jesus for myself and for others. There aren't many of these extremely tough moments in life where I truly feel like giving up, if it wasn't for my faith and my belief in Jesus.

It takes strength to hold on, to hold onto Jesus, to hold onto forgiveness, to continue to let go and love, pray for change, believe in change and not judge, not fear, not hold onto hurt. Sometimes I fear that I would lack strength to forgive, or strength to fight for an abundant life with Jesus, but God gives me strength.

I wish things would be easier, but I refuse to be jealous of people who appear to have an easier life. Each person has their life, and I will focus on the goodness and compassion of God, who is sovereign and knows all things before they happen.

Because I have Jesus, I have everything. And no one can take that away from me. Not differences in theology, not other strong believers. I cannot be condemned because Jesus has saved me.

Thinking about Job -- the book of Job. Man, that was tough. Every friend using spiritual reasons to condemn Job, and Job losing his family and his own health. I want to be like Job and hold onto God no matter what. In sickness and in health, in great times and catastrophic times, even if the whole world is against me, even if I myself have sinned or made a mistake. I want to always turn to Jesus and hold onto God for the rest of my life, all my days. God, help me to do so.