Enneagram 9

I read about the Enneagram way back in middle school and/or high school. At that time, I thought it was an okay personality test, and that the myers briggs was way more helpful in understanding others.

But today, I just read the ennegram description of myself, and it was super insightful--both the description of myself and my romantic compatibility with various types.

Things that really resonated with me:

1.  9s tend to idealize their romantic partner and sometimes the other person cannot live up to the image that the 9 has of them in their imagination. 9s that are paired with other 9s can be problematic because most of the relationship may occur in their imagination of the other rather than being in real contact with the other person
2. 9s tend to focus on other people, wondering what they are like, etc. They tend to melt into other people and have difficulty knowing or admitting their own needs
3. Growth recommendations: 9s should try to exert themselves and pay attention to what is going on and not tune out or daydream. They should exercise more to be more aware of their own body

A lot of passiveness and imagination. 

I really resonate with the imagination part. I feel that a lot of the deep affection I have for my friends stems out of frequent idealization and imagination of our friendship. That's not necessarily bad. It helps me to be loyal, despite infrequency of contact. It helps me to have strong affections for people. But I can see how it can become problematic in a romantic relationship when you have to deal with real issues and not just idealize the other person. 

I also really resonate with a tendency to 'melt into other people' and not know how you feel because you're so focused on how others feel. The best example I can think of is when I was coordinating housing in college. In my heart, I really wanted to live with certain people, but my mind really did not know what my heart wanted. I literally thought I was cool with whatever and was willing to sacrifice myself for the group. Often, it is only when I am alone at night, when I realize how I truly feel and what I truly want. When I'm with people, it's hard to feel and know what I truly want. It's a very strange phenomenon that actually happens quite often, though this example is pretty old. 

Tuning out. I think this happens more with unfamiliar settings due to being an introvert. I know I tend to tune out when there's too many people I don't know, but I try not to. I really don't like it when I tune out. I feel un-human when that happens, like am I really alive? Am I really on this earth? 

There's a line and we've crossed it

This (spontaneous) song resonates so much with me right now

There's a line and we've crossed it
Some would say that we've lost it
But we found our joy
It's the joy of knowing You

like, wow. I feel this song. Literally every line.

There's a line and I've crossed it.

I love that it mentions joy. That's where my craziness goes towards. It's not a desperation that leads to condemnation or striving or religiosity. It's a desperation that leads to joy. I'm so, so desperate for more of Jesus.

A few weeks ago, I heard a minister talk about his growth with Jesus, and that at some point his level of desperation was greater than his level of fear, and that's what propelled him to step out in faith (and pray for the sick). This desperation is out of love and joy, not condemnation or striving. Sometimes the word desperation comes with a condemnation/striving undertone, but that's not what I'm getting at. I'm more getting at the word "hunger", but that word seems to have lost its saltiness. I like the word "desperate", because we use it in daily language. For example, "I'll use dating apps when I get desperate" or "I don't want to appear desperate".

I have to admit. I'm desperate. I'm desperate for more of Jesus.
That's why I literally don't care if people judge me for going to tons of conferences. I'm desperate. I want impartation. I want more.

It also really helps that I have people around me who are just as desperate and hungry. It's so, so amazing to be able to walk with and grow with people. I never, never, would have dreamed that this was possible--to have people my age, my demographic, who are even more hungry than I am, for the things of God, including the supernatural. To have people not just willing to let me pray for them for physical healing, but desiring and believing that they will be healed when prayed for. And no one makes it super spiritual or a big deal. It's just normal. People coming up to me and/or texting me about words they've received from God for me. It's a community where it's safe to practice and take risks. I've been so blessed.

What's right

Sometimes we're just so obsessed with doing what's "right", when there's no right answer. There's only whatever God wants, but you're not really sure what God wants. And when you think you know what God wants, some people tell you you're wrong. And then you're like, well what if those people are wrong? But what if I'm wrong?

Sometimes it's so annoying when people tell you you're wrong. Not because I don't want to be wrong, though that is always part of it. But it's more because it makes you doubt your ability to hear from God and it erodes your confidence in your own wisdom and ability to make decisions. It's almost sets you back a step spiritually & maturity-wise, like you're not sure if you can make any decisions on your own anymore. you thought you felt conviction; you thought you heard from God, but maybe you didn't. Maybe you're wrong.

I guess it's better to be humble and slightly less confident about my ability to hear from God, than to be prideful and make the "right" decision? And if God really wanted me to make that decision, He could probably remove the obstacles. And I guess sometimes we have to accept the fact that we will sometimes never really know if we made the right choice or not, if that's really what God wanted.

The problem with all of this, is that you are responsible for your decisions. Other people can provide counsel, but you have to make the decision. You own all the responsibility of that decision. So, at the end of the day, you have to believe it's the right decision. There has to be some conviction, even if your conviction changed 50 times in the process.

Maybe that's the beauty of life and the process. Trust the process. Trust God in the process, even when He seems silent. Freedom includes the freedom to make mistakes. Freedom also includes the freedom to ask God any detail at all, because He cares about all the details. I mean, seriously, God could have been like: just build a big boat. But He gave detailed instructions to Noah on how to build that ark.

Anyway, in conclusion, I can still have confidence in my identity as a daughter, and that Father God is proud of me.

In the quiet pride of my Father's eyes
I remember who I am
When I feel the warmth of my Father's smile
Feels like I've been born again

-Born Again by Cory Asbury

28 on the 28th

Today, I turned 28, on the 28th of March. A once in a lifetime birthday.

Reflection on my 27th year of life
27 was a good year.

• I received/discovered my calling in life (or one of them) via many very specific prophetic words that really resonated with me. 
• I finished my MBA
• I moved to Silicon valley, my once dream post-college location 
• I started my first job in business, and I'm essentially like a chief of staff for the VP of sales. Being a chief of staff was secretly one of my dream jobs. 
• I experienced the most spiritual growth and the most continual spiritual high & joy in my 27th year than any other year
• I joined the most charismatic congregation I've ever been in Church-wise. 
• I've interacted with the most guys than I ever have in the past and have gone on more blind dates than any other year 
• I started painting. I finally have a hobby.
• I have the most faith, the most optimism and the most hope than I have ever had in my life

Looking forward: my 28th year

I hope to:

• Finish the year strong at work, discover where I fit best and what I want to do in my next job/role/rotation. AKA figure out my next dream job and move towards it
• Move towards my calling. I'll leave it vague, but I have direction and planned or existing action
• Take risks for God. I hope my 28th year will be the year of the most risks I've ever taken for God, and the year where I have the least amount of 'fear of man'
• Carry optimism and hope in the midst of hurt, chaos, low morale, confusion. I'm excited that opportunities might come up for my optimism and hope to be truly tested. I've rarely been successful at carrying hope when I'm surrounded by hopelessness, but I have hope that I can pass the test this time, because I have faith in God. Hope is just as contagious as pessimism and I want to be a carrier of hope, of encouragement. I want to be a life-giver because God is the life-giver and He lives in me
• Discover my role in my congregation/Church
• Start a meaningful project that I really like
• Become debt-free

wow, I haven't ever been this direct with my goals, and this direct/show-off-y with my successes. But this is the mood I'm in today, so here it is! Here's my open honest direct post of my life in a very optimistic light. I choose to remember the good and all that God has done in my life. He redeems. 

I live to Worship

I know worship is more than just worship with music, but I love worshiping God with music. I love God's presence. 

Pastor Tong spoke on Wednesday, and said that there are 3 things that help us keep our fire/love for God. One of them is worship. When you let your heart and mind linger on your life difficulties, it's going to be hard to experience God, but when you start to worship, you intentionally turn your mind and affections towards God. You remember the work of God on your life; you recall the grace and compassion He has shown you; once again, you remember His greatness and His faithfulness and His unfailing love towards you. (Clip below)




Today and yesterday, there were times I just felt fairly lonely and sad. It's tempting to feel that way when the weekend comes and I don't have people that I love, to hang out with. It's kind of funny, but my mom felt the same way on Thursday, since my dad is in Taiwan and my brother is in Europe. She told a few friends to come over and that she'd whip something together, but all her friends couldn't make it at the last minute and she ended up spending Chinese New Year by herself. She was telling me: "you can't trust friends" and saying that she realized that she "still needs daddy". I just smiled. In my head I was like, I knew that a long time ago; you only figured that out now?  -- But at the same time, I knew that was the wrong way to think about the situation. It's tempting to look at the world in a jaded way, and to feel lonely, or pity yourself, but I think the actual reality is that we're all so so blessed to know Jesus, as cheesy as that may sound. It's like my other post 2 weeks ago: we get to spend time with Jesus. It's easy to think of what we wish we had, and forget that we already have everything because we have Jesus. So, yesterday and today, I spent some time 'fighting' negative thoughts, but as soon as I started worshiping, I was filled with joy and gratefulness and no longer needed to "fight". As soon as I started worshiping God, I truly realized how blessed I am to know God.

Keeping your Freedom

"Never let the fear of temptation or the reality of temptation make you second guess or redefine your level of freedom. You are free regardless of what things may come at you. I think success in this area looks like focusing on the things you get to do, not on the things you have to give up or let go"
"My next level of breakthrough and freedom lies in the pursuit of Him and His will"

When I heard this quote today, especially the first sentence, it freed me instantly from confusion. I immediately claimed back the freedom (or the 'level of freedom') that I already had in Christ. Obviously, we all are free in Christ, but there is a process to walk into greater 'levels' of freedom and breakthrough, and that's what I mean here. God has already done a great work in me, but sometimes I am tempted to think that something is still wrong and I'm still battling with the same things, and if I'm battling with the same things, did I really receive freedom? Yes, I did. I have received so much freedom. There is always a temptation to be confused, to fear, to hold onto insecurities. But as soon as I heard this quote, my heart resonated so much with it. The fears, confusion and insecurity left me, and God's joy filled me. Now I'm excited to pursue after my next level of breakthrough/freedom/intimacy with Him. This is what I get to do every day.

"Missing" God's will

One of the great things about the bay area is that there are always conferences going on, and evenings are often free. I've been here 5 months and I've been to 5 conferences here -- not the entire conference, but just dabbling in some of the evenings. I mean, usually it's a Friday night and I can either go home and do nothing, or go to a charismatic conference and enjoy the worship and God's presence.

So this past weekend, I went to a conference 2 nights, with Heidi Baker preaching one night and Will Hart preaching the next night. I got more from Heidi's preaching, but there is one important thing I got from Will's message, which I'll paraphrase here:

Some people think that when they make a wrong decision, they "miss God". Like, oh God told me to marry person A but I married person B so I "missed God's will". But even if you did "miss God's will" for that situation, it's not like God just leaves/abandons you and is like: told you so; see ya; bye.

Choosing California over Indiana has haunted and bothered me for a while now. Before I got the California/Intel job offer, I had felt at peace with Indiana (and it took at least a month to finally be at peace and not be bitter about it). Indiana was also confirmed by multiple prophetic people and prayer. And then California came to me. I was elated but confused. Long story short, I didn't have enough faith for Indiana. I wasn't really sure which one was God's will (probably because honestly, I didn't want to "really" be sure that it was Indiana and not California), so I just chose California. And it's honestly not about the weather or the food or "more things to do" as if I do anything anyway. It's because I really really want/need a tight-knit community and I know myself. It will be so tempting in the middle of nowhere to be bitter again, and lonely and do dumb things.

Anyway, I realized in May that this issue has hindered my walk with God because it decreased my confidence in my ability to hear God's voice. But slowly I've come to realize that I should get over this. God is good and He's never abandoning me. Even Israel pleaded for a King and got one, even though God told them they'd be better without a King. So worst case, it's something like that. God still loves me and I'm still his daughter. And He's still a good God who is always with me and loves me with an overwhelming love.

Part 2 of this long blog post: (semi-relevant to part 1).
My mom talked to me about getting rid of bitterness, and I was like: "I don't have any bitterness. Like, there is literally no one I need to forgive, so why would I have any bitterness?"
But then she said bitterness is whenever you complain or are discontent or don't trust God. And then I remembered ALLLLL of my bitterness while living in the middle of nowhere. And I was like omg, I have so much bitterness from those years when I was such an elitist and thought I deserved better than to live in such a location. I can't say that I've fully repented of elitism; midwest's down-to-earth-ness helped to convert me a bit, but it's really hard to fully get rid of it. Anyway, that was a random side comment about bitterness that I need to address. And trusting God.