So, visiting my distant half-relatives in China was an interesting experience.
This one older guy (50s/60s) was telling me that 15 years ago all people wanted was not to be hungry, but now what people want is a house and a car. So if you dont have a house and a car, you can't get a wife.
Quite interesting. Then, when I got back to the states, I was quite thankful for my job, since I'm comparing with folks in China (more specifically the slightly poorer regions of China), my job is very good. But now and again, I'm finding myself wanting more than what I already have. Perhaps a job that lets me work M-F instead of Tues-Sat. Perhaps a better area, one that has more people.. Perhaps a better Church that hangs out outside of Church activities..
The list is never ending. it's like trying to find the things to fill that feeling inside that something is missing. Maybe it's lack of direction in life. Lack of purpose or calling. Where am I going? Where are you leading me? I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe I am. Maybe I miss college, and the fellowship. Maybe I miss hugs, touches and deep conversations. Maybe I miss worshipping in living rooms. Maybe I miss seeing people totally in love with Jesus. Maybe I miss encouraging my brothers and sisters, and having them encourage me. I do. I do miss these things, and it's not easy to be a self-starter, to start what you see is missing from your community. It's much easier to do my own thing and ignore the 'something's missing' feeling.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Lease is ending
My lease is ending and my roommate is leaving, all of which comes with a lot of thinking...
Frequently ask myself "What do I want?" And boy is that a difficult question
Do I want a townhouse so I can host parties and gatherings? But then who would live with me? ... Do I want another random roommate again? If I have a random roommate, I can't really invite people over as easily...And is that all I want, is that what it boils down to? Inviting people over? (or does it actually boil down to the search for college life and friendships again?)
"What do I want?" What kind of life am I imagining? Whatever it is, it won't be remedied by having a house or a place of my own. My desires are too deep for such a shallow solution. Ah, but anyway I still need to decide very soon whether to renew my contract, find a different apartment, or (make my mom) buy a townhouse.
Frequently ask myself "What do I want?" And boy is that a difficult question
Do I want a townhouse so I can host parties and gatherings? But then who would live with me? ... Do I want another random roommate again? If I have a random roommate, I can't really invite people over as easily...And is that all I want, is that what it boils down to? Inviting people over? (or does it actually boil down to the search for college life and friendships again?)
"What do I want?" What kind of life am I imagining? Whatever it is, it won't be remedied by having a house or a place of my own. My desires are too deep for such a shallow solution. Ah, but anyway I still need to decide very soon whether to renew my contract, find a different apartment, or (make my mom) buy a townhouse.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
dur
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that what he cannot lose
just reading through my favorite quotes. I can't believe this super cliche popular quote could still stand out
duh stupid. why is it so easy to miss the big picture....... we can't keep any of this anyway; whatever comfortable great position and life state we are in, it won't last forever. You can't keep it. In high school, it was my teachers. Sadly, they change every year. And now... it's everything... any part of my life could change at any given moment. Working at a fast paced brand new continuously growing company instills this lack-of-comfort-zone mentality in you. One month you could be working with someone, and the next thing you know, they've been switched to another group. And the next thing you know you're in charge of their project instead. That kind of thing x10. Rules change, HR policies change, group dynamics change. In a way I'm grateful for this fast paced industry. At least I can learn (again and again) that nothing ever stays the same, and there is no one and no situation that I can ever keep.
Hard to let go of the planner and forecasting mentality. "Life's an adventure"-- Well, that's only really romantic if you are adventuring it with someone. And I guess I do have someone; I just forget sometimes. That's probably why I haven't been seeing it as an adventure lately.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
一口一口
Visited a Chinese church this past Sunday, where the pastor showed this cartoon
一口不能吃出个胖子，但胖却是一口一口吃出来的
(One bite cannot make you a fatso, but fatness comes about one bite at a time)
And this applies to many other aspects of life as well, like spiritual disciplines, raising kids, making friends, living life
一口不能吃出个胖子，但胖却是一口一口吃出来的
(One bite cannot make you a fatso, but fatness comes about one bite at a time)
And this applies to many other aspects of life as well, like spiritual disciplines, raising kids, making friends, living life
Monday, February 11, 2013
Your worship pastor has been removed
Have not been attending my "home" church for the past few weeks, due to 'visiting' other churches (I guess college patterns die hard--but i just want to meet more christians in the area.... ). "home church" meaning the church I have "chosen" --(as in chosen to tell people I am apart of lol).
Anyway I got this email today saying that the worship pastor of my "home church" has been removed due to having multiple full-on, ongoing affairs with several women in the Church.... I was very surprised, even though, in general, I am not surprised at these kind of things. The Church is really really biblical and firm in doctrine and emphasis on discipleship, etc. It's not one of those dead churches, nor one of those weak churches that water down the gospel. The people there do really try to pursue God in their lives, at least the ones in my bible study.
But, yea, it's not that surprising, since looking at my own life, I feel like I could so, so easily do something like that. Lead a double life and think that nothing is wrong just because I feel great. And what about the women who joined in? I bet they thought they were Christian, even while being involved in all that. I bet they were just lonely and fell into it. It must be something very easy to fall into.
We are so easily deceived, so easily led astray, so prone to wander. So, so prone to wander. That's why we need each other. People in your lives to say: yo, what the hell are you doing. wake up.
People to speak wisdom and truth into our lives when that foggy blinding haze falls on us
Anyway I got this email today saying that the worship pastor of my "home church" has been removed due to having multiple full-on, ongoing affairs with several women in the Church.... I was very surprised, even though, in general, I am not surprised at these kind of things. The Church is really really biblical and firm in doctrine and emphasis on discipleship, etc. It's not one of those dead churches, nor one of those weak churches that water down the gospel. The people there do really try to pursue God in their lives, at least the ones in my bible study.
But, yea, it's not that surprising, since looking at my own life, I feel like I could so, so easily do something like that. Lead a double life and think that nothing is wrong just because I feel great. And what about the women who joined in? I bet they thought they were Christian, even while being involved in all that. I bet they were just lonely and fell into it. It must be something very easy to fall into.
We are so easily deceived, so easily led astray, so prone to wander. So, so prone to wander. That's why we need each other. People in your lives to say: yo, what the hell are you doing. wake up.
People to speak wisdom and truth into our lives when that foggy blinding haze falls on us
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Come and go
People come and go, and you're standing there, at the airport. Not sure if there's any place to go or anyone to go with. Homesick but you don't know where your home is. If home is where your heart is, why is home constantly leaving. You realize you've found a home, and then find it is just as fleeting as the one before. Then when you've gone through several homes, you realize life is just like this.
Except that it's not. sigh. Thinking again too much these days. Actually not really thinking. Just emotionally weak.
Except that it's not. sigh. Thinking again too much these days. Actually not really thinking. Just emotionally weak.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Consumed by my own life
Man, it's good to be in a small group with people of different age ranges and backgrounds and struggles.
Easy to forget that there's a world out there, as in outside of your own mind.
and man, I could stare into their baby's eyes forever. They are so watery and pure. and beautiful
(small group leader has a baby)
But even though it was a good wake-up call that I've been consumed with my own life, and it was really nice to be able to look at beautiful baby eyes, it wasn't an auto-focus-adjustment either, as I still could not empathize with any of the struggles of anyone else in the group. It was a perspective adjustment of the mind, but not an adjustment of the heart.
I watched a movie about Hollywood LA culture recently, and it makes me sad that it's quite true not just in the LA area. Drug and sex addiction and searching for fame or meaning... Whenever I watch those movies where the people are addicted to drugs and completely hopeless, I get it. It's one of those situations where you go deeper and deeper into lost-dom until you realize you need help.
And I've been thinking about this world. All of us need help, seriously. But the culture has become so individualized that we've forgotten how to be friends and how to initiate and protect and love. How to intrude into people's lives, grab them by the arm and take them out. Like a big brother.
I've been truly blessed with true friendships and initiative friends who have taught me what it means to love by initiating. The world needs more people to intrude into lives. Because honestly, people want you to intrude. People want to be saved. Yea, they'll do their own thing, live an individualized, my-own-private-space read-my-own-books do-my-own-thing type of life, but they really do want the intrusion. The one thing I like about Chinese culture (remember, I consider myself more American than Chinese), is that Chinese culture initiates and is less individualized (more groupy) than American culture.
I read an article recently that said that after age 30 or so, it gets increasingly more difficult to develop deep friendships (even if you are still single by then). So, trust is a big issue when it comes to intruding into other people's lives. I keep thinking that when I have my own house, I'd invite people over for dinner to get to know them better, (as in, not people who are already my friends, but maybe coworkers and such), but then again, it's probably wishful thinking. I'll probably be too busy with family by then, or too lazy, or too "busy" with nothing at all. And so, once again, we leave that initiating work to the missionaries and tent-makers who dedicate their lives to initiation and finding opportunities to love.
It's easy to be consumed
Easy to forget that there's a world out there, as in outside of your own mind.
and man, I could stare into their baby's eyes forever. They are so watery and pure. and beautiful
(small group leader has a baby)
But even though it was a good wake-up call that I've been consumed with my own life, and it was really nice to be able to look at beautiful baby eyes, it wasn't an auto-focus-adjustment either, as I still could not empathize with any of the struggles of anyone else in the group. It was a perspective adjustment of the mind, but not an adjustment of the heart.
I watched a movie about Hollywood LA culture recently, and it makes me sad that it's quite true not just in the LA area. Drug and sex addiction and searching for fame or meaning... Whenever I watch those movies where the people are addicted to drugs and completely hopeless, I get it. It's one of those situations where you go deeper and deeper into lost-dom until you realize you need help.
And I've been thinking about this world. All of us need help, seriously. But the culture has become so individualized that we've forgotten how to be friends and how to initiate and protect and love. How to intrude into people's lives, grab them by the arm and take them out. Like a big brother.
I've been truly blessed with true friendships and initiative friends who have taught me what it means to love by initiating. The world needs more people to intrude into lives. Because honestly, people want you to intrude. People want to be saved. Yea, they'll do their own thing, live an individualized, my-own-private-space read-my-own-books do-my-own-thing type of life, but they really do want the intrusion. The one thing I like about Chinese culture (remember, I consider myself more American than Chinese), is that Chinese culture initiates and is less individualized (more groupy) than American culture.
I read an article recently that said that after age 30 or so, it gets increasingly more difficult to develop deep friendships (even if you are still single by then). So, trust is a big issue when it comes to intruding into other people's lives. I keep thinking that when I have my own house, I'd invite people over for dinner to get to know them better, (as in, not people who are already my friends, but maybe coworkers and such), but then again, it's probably wishful thinking. I'll probably be too busy with family by then, or too lazy, or too "busy" with nothing at all. And so, once again, we leave that initiating work to the missionaries and tent-makers who dedicate their lives to initiation and finding opportunities to love.
It's easy to be consumed
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