Saving People

I admit that I have daydreamed about saving people's lives before. Like a bicycler is zooming downhill and I violently pull a friend out of the way as the bike passes by, just barely clipping the outer jacket of the friend. The friend is totally oblivious the whole time; only when I yanked the friend out of the way was the friend awakened to what just happened.

When I first re-realized that I daydream (only very occasionally) about saving people, I was like NOOOO. Why do I do that? What is wrong with me? Is this an indicator of self-seeking motivations? Am I trying to prove my love to people, or gain affection from them?

It was a scary thought since I really desire to please God. And so I explored this further, like thinking about how I feel when I save people, and why I'm so eager to save people that I would daydream about it.

Then I asked myself: am I this eager to save people from deception, from falling into sin? Am I this eager to save myself from common pitfalls and from going near paths that lead to destruction? When I realize that something is wrong spiritually, am I proactive in praying, in crying out to God, or do I just nonchalantly shrug my shoulders and decide to think about it later when I have time? Do I have the same kind of passion to save myself or others from spiritual danger, as I am for physical danger? (because if I'm not, then maybe it's all about show. Maybe I just want to be able to outwardly show myself and get the reward for it, while privately, I may not be praying or caring). ---Am I prepared, spiritually speaking? Do I look out for danger in the spiritual sense? Am I passionate about "spiritual safety"?: AKA am I proactive about guarding my heart for God? Am I passionate about purity?

As the Deer

You're my friend and You are my brother

Even though You are a King

I love you more than any other

so much more than anything

I want You more than gold or silver

only You can satisfy

You alone are the real joy-giver

and the apple of my eye.

never knew about the 2nd and 3rd verses of this song until last friday. Good stuff.

when life gets complicated, these simple songs of love are best at softening our hearts and turning them back towards God.

right now I'm listening to a recording of As the Deer. not singing or anything, but just listening.

Vulnerable to Encouragement

I have this one design class where everyone is in a group/team and each member of that group has to do one presentation. So last friday it was my turn. My presentation affects my grade as well as theirs. I like presentations and speeches; I like preparing for them and presenting them. But I did so terribly. Actually, I think my presentation was the worst of all the presentations done so far this semester. Too fast, forgot what I was supposed to explain, wasn't coherent, scrolled through slides back and forth in a confusing manner, couldn't answer technical questions from the prof. etc.

After presenting, I sat down, and my phone vibrated. I was like huh, I got a text. I wonder who it's from. It was from a team-member. I was like Woah, what! she's sitting right there! The text read: "Great job, the slides looked great!" My first reaction was: you're lying; it was terrible. But then I realized how thoughtful she was to send a text from across the room, and how urgently she sent it--right after I presented. And that was encouraging to me, and it became more and more encouraging as I began to realize more and more the extent of how horribly I did. Later I remembered the look of the professor's face as I finished, and how he looked at his watch and had the expression of "that's it?"... and I remembered her text when I looked at my peer evaluations. There were others who said good job to me too, but this text was from my own group member, whose grades I just pulled down. And the timing of the text showed her extra thoughtfulness and eagerness to encourage me.

And now I have a report due tomorrow that is also a part of their grade. I emailed/spammed my group asking for some advice, and they replied not too long ago. .. All I can say is, exclamation points have never been so encouraging to me before. This one email began with "Hi Jamie, Looks great so far!!!!", gave some suggestions and ended with "It looks really good Jamie!!!!" It was so encouraging. It really blew my mind away. I am like the weak link in the group and they are so supportive and chill.

This made me think of Luke 7:40-47-- the illustration of the moneylender and how those who are forgiven more love more, and those who have been forgiven little love little.

so I guess we are more affected by (or vulnerable to) encouragement we have failed, when things aren't going great. because then we see the weaknesses and imperfections we have had all along and realize how wonderful and sweet forgiveness and encouragement is.

*disclaimer: I'm not actually that upset about it. I only realized that it affected me after I realized that I was super vulnerable to encouragement.

Impatience

I have a lot on my heart that I would like to blog about. I almost feel like I should lay them all out and decide which one is more worthy of a post. I feel like that girl in office hours who stopped this guy from asking the TA questions. So the guy had called the TA over and was about to ask a question when the girl was like: "STOP. Don't waste questions!" Apparently she thought he was going to ask a stupid question. It was so funny. The TA laughed for several minutes. But it's true; we all think that--don't waste questions. Office hours are precious; you have to fight for the TA. Don't waste questions. If we're friends, and I already asked that question, don't ask the TA that question; I'll explain to you the answer to that question later. Ask another question.

In the same way, I don't want to waste words or say things that are meaningless. But of course in my opinion, all this is important. Anyway.

Impatience.

When I think of impatience, I think of someone who is waiting impatiently in line, or waiting impatiently in traffic, or waiting impatiently for his wife who is taking a long time to get ready. But today, I realized that impatience is more than just these images that I have in my mind.

I always imagined myself to be a patient person, because I think of myself as really chill in regard to daily life things. But, I am an impatient person. I realized today (yes, kind of late in life to realize this.)

The speaker today at the retreat was talking about how to differentiate the voice of the Holy Spirit from your own voice. He said that one of the key things about your own voice is that it is impatient and self-focused. The Spirit's voice is softer, and more persistent--so if you wait a while, He'll still be saying the same thing. Whether you're energized or tired, the Holy Spirit will not change what He is saying, even a week later. So, this is one way to discern whether things are coming from Him or yourself.

This really resonated with me. because I've been really impatient recently. During worship, it's hard for my mind to focus on God. I think about other things as a result of my impatience--because I want to figure things out NOW instead of thinking about them later. I want to do my planning now; I want to think about certain things now, even though there's no use in thinking about them. And I ask God what I should do, or which direction to take, but I ask out of impatience. I'm not asking like the disciple John asked Jesus who it is who would betray Him. I feel like John asked because he loved Jesus and knew that Jesus loved him and was secure in this, and so he felt like he could ask.

It's like asking a friend "who is it?" You probably ask out of love, and out of a confidence in your friendship, not out of impatience or for the sake of knowing. Whether or not you know will not affect the friendship.

In the same way, whether or not I know my future or which direction God wants me to take, or where God wants me to go, should not affect my friendship with God. I realized that I've been asking out of impatience to know. not out of friendship. I want to know for myself. I'm not asking God the way John the disciple asked God.

John 13:25

..leaning back on Jesus' breast, [John] said to Him, "Lord, who is it?" (NKJV)

Leaning back against Jesus, [John] asked Him "Lord, who is it?" (NIV)

I want to do that. Lean back against Jesus and ask Him things.

not really to ask Him things, but to lean back against Him.

There must be more than this (2)

This is my second blog entry entitled There must be more than this.

Because that is how I feel: there must be more than this. What's the point of constantly making the same mistakes, constantly seeking the same things, having the same tendencies, falling into the same traps? And every time God picks me up, I realize: there must be more than this. A friend asked: is life circular or linear? It is circular, but it can be more linear. God is drawing us to Himself. Maybe it can be like the wheel of a car, moving circularly, but still moving forward. And each time we re-enter into a similar cycle/phase of life, it is a little different.

Sometimes when I feel alone, I look for deeper conversations. I try to create them.

because it's satisfying. to me at least.

When you talk about something deeper than food and work and jokes, it's more satisfying. Sometimes you learn new things about other people, or about life. Sometimes you realize things about yourself you never knew. Most of the time, you just want to listen and be listened to. You want to feel connected. You want to be understood or valued. You want answers.

But. still.

There must be more than this. There must be more to life than deep conversations. I realized that deep conversations still feel empty when God is not in them. After a while of just talking about life and how complex it is, or relationships and how complicated they are, or about the Church and its weaknesses, it's like... okay. now what? Why did we just talk about that? What was the point? Nothing has meaning in itself. But God gives meaning.

If God is in the conversation and you invite Him to direct the conversation, and you desire to please Him, then all your conversations will be meaningful, and come from a godly perspective. Even the simplest conversations. Your reason for those conversations will be completely different, God-centered. Instead of simply just talking and trying to obtain satisfaction, or just complaining or just feeding off each others' opinions or bitterness or judgments, you are speaking another language, talking and walking for a greater purpose. You are encouraging and growing closer to God. You are imparting Love and Truth. Just as God's Word is powerful, our words are powerful. Our life is impactful. Like prayer.

I miss talking about God, about how wonderful He is, about how He knows everything, how He works in everything. Even when things are really complicated. I miss the times when I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life, everything I see reminds me of what He is doing in my life.

Yet I do agree that at times, it is difficult to focus on God, on His Kingdom and eternal things. Especially when things occur, problems arise, stuff preoccupies your mind, distracting you from class, from focusing, from everything, from life itself. And you're like: what the heck? If God is my rock, why is this happening? Is God not my rock? Have I been deceiving myself? Why am I feeling this way? But God is gracious and compassionate. He graciously reveals to us our weaknesses, and strengthens us. Because He loves us.

"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused." (Hosea 11)

Lord, I know I am yours. And you will not give me up. I am yours forever, and I am not afraid.

Short post preceding a busy week

I am pretty "scared" for a couple of my prelims this week, or maybe just one. As in, mentally scared, not emotionally scared... actually it's hard for me to get scared over these things. Anyway, I'm logically scared. Or, I should be scared. Or rather, if I was not me, I would be scared. Basically, I have a very good reason to be scared, but it's not hitting me. I'm not sure if it ever will.

Anyway, something I shared with someone recently is that I've been learning to love and desire learning. And that the mindset I have now is that I'd rather do poorly on a prelim by making stupid out-of-my-control mistakes but understand everything decently well, than do well on my prelim out of luck but not understand very much. Basically, I'd rather understand and learn than do well. There is a correlation between the two, but the mindset makes a difference in how you approach homework and studying. Are you studying to get a good grade, or studying to learn? Are you doing homework to finish the homework so you can check it off of your to-do list and move on to do the next thing, or are you using the homework as a tool to help you learn the material?

Yet at the same time, outside of this new learning mindset I'm trying to get used to, I have to consider all of this meaningless compared to eternal things. I have to be ready to, at any given moment, give up everything that I am working for, everything that I have worked for, everything that I have been given, everything that I like and am comfortable with, to follow Jesus. And in imagining this, it helps me when I'm specific about the things I'm giving up. I often just imagine transferring out of Cornell, and if I would be okay with that. It's hard, but it reminds me that my heart needs to be so attached to God that I would give up everything to go where He wants me to go. And concerning eternal things, I should be eagerly giving up everything to pursue them. Like the man who sold everything to buy that field where the treasure was.

I have everything because I have God. What more can I lose?

and yet, it's hard isn't it? We still do think about it as "giving up everything". But it should be called "giving up nothing", since that "everything" is like "nothing".

It's hard to think about these things. It's uncomfortable to think about these things. It's easier to not think about it. But it's also dangerous (for me at least) to not think about it. Because when I finally do come around to thinking about it, I will already have invested my heart in worldly things and I will be in despair when I realize how all that I had invested in and valued was meaningless. But my hope now, is that I continue to realize the temporal nature of the things I am doing, even while I strive to do them well to glorify and please God.

Will it still be the same?

When I leave college, will it be the same?

What is "it"? Will what still be the same? doesn't matter. This is one of those free-form questions that are good for people who want to talk. Since the question is pretty vague, they can answer whatever question they perceive that the question is really asking.

When I leave this place, will it still be the same?

Yes. Yes, it will still be the same. No, it won't be, but yes it will be.

If you didn't understand the line above, you're using your mind. This is one of those times when you have to look deep in the person's eyes, beyond what they are literally saying, and try to see what they are REALLY saying. This usually involves guessing and intuition haha. [by the way, I can show you what this eye contact looks like. But actually what I mean is not that you should literally look deep into someone's eyes, but that you should just get the gist of what they are saying...]

---

The word "same" changes meaning depending on how you are viewing the word, (because you can't compare everything down to the molecules.. you have to choose your point of comparison).

Think about this question: "Do you feel that home and school are the same?" If you interpret it literally (or in a strange way), you would ask: what kind of question is that!? of course not. The windows in my house are different from the ones in my dorm! .... ... okay. but obviously the question-asker was referring to something else (more significant) besides the windows when he asked if they were the same.

I'm sure they've done experiments where they ask people a question and then see what the people think they are really asking.

This is why our minds have to be set on things above, and transformed by God. Even the way we perceive what questions are really asking is dependent on what we value, how we think, etc.

So will it be the same after college? will it be the same after marriage?

Yes.

why is it the same? Because God is with me. And He is with me after college. And He is always with me. And with that definition, I say yes. It will be the same.

[disclaimer: don't get upset at my post. I am not intending to be insensitive to change and how change is sometimes difficult. I am only pointing out one example of how having our minds transformed by God is important and affects everything/our perception of questions, even.]