Birthday Wish

You know how people tell you to "make a wish" before blowing out your candle(s)? I was thinking: well, who am I "making a wish" to? I guess that would be God. But then, I can ask God for anything any time. So then why is a birthday wish meaningful? 

Throwing out my bad fake logic from above, I still think it can be meaningful and that God cares about my "birthday wish". I guess it's like a tradition, or a check-in point for people, to evaluate what they really want, on their birthday. 

What do I really want for my birthday, from God? My immediate thoughts went to either other people's healing (please heal XYZ people emotionally), or to mend relational tensions, because often it's easy to just want God to hurry up and "fix it" -- whatever "it" is. But sometimes God wants to grow us by making us do the work, or having us partner with Him to "fix" it. And sometimes God doesn't just magically fix things instantly, but He has a plan.

So I scrapped those ideas and searched deeper in my heart. My deepest desire is to be able to love God more. To be able to really love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength. And also to really genuinely love others. 

I know it sounds so cliche, like I'm just reciting some sunday school answer, but it's so real to me that I can tear up and cry just thinking about how much I long to be able to love God more. Not that crying is the standard for genuine feeling, but this is truly my strongest desire in life. To love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. I don't even need to mention loving people, because you can't love God without loving those whom God loves. And my only desire there would be that I can love people the way God loves me. I am so loved. 

I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again

I'll Never Love This Way Again - super old song by Dionne Warwick

I don't know many songs but for some reason I know this random old song. It's on my melancholic playlist

I was listening to the song with the lyrics again today, and I didn't realize how "mature" the lyrics actually are. Especially the second verse: 

A fool will lose tomorrow, reaching back for yesterday

I won't turn my head in sorrow, if you should go away

I'll stand here and remember, just how good it's been

And I know I'll never love this way again

Except, I'd like to change the conclusion from "I know I'll never love this way again" to: "I hope I'll always love this way, again and again" -- that each person I meet and love, only increases my capacity to love, in a deeper and better way. 

I understand the sentiment that "I'll never love this way again" is because you want to reserve special affection towards someone, and there couldn't possibly be anyone the same; there couldn't possibly be anyone who could replace that person, the memories and the affection. But I see love as bigger than that. Love permanently changes you. If that love was so significant and made such a positive impact on you, then it should have made you better, given you strength to carry that forward and view life in a positive hopeful way. 

But yea, of course, there is a time for grieving. 

Many people have experienced grieving over the loss of their college days. One of the memorable times for me was in 2016, when I was in Indiana, a college friend texted me a photo of one of my close college friends being very her. Someone was hugging her and she was like rolling her eyes. Seeing the picture brought me to tears while I was in the Walmart parking lot. I knew that even if I found a job in CA, that it would never be the same again. That was when I felt like I fully grieved for the loss of college days.

In 2013, in upstate NY, a bunch of my co-workers (who were also friends) were hanging out at someone's apartment, having a really great time. There was a snow storm outside; we were all sitting on the carpet joking around. Afterwards, I saw one of my coworker's blog posts--this was my college friend also, and the person I was closest to at work, who was about to leave the company soon. She titled the post "Half Pain Half Joy". She writes: "I will remember this day. The beginning is defined to be indefinite, but I only want this all to end. Is it years of nostalgia that will follow?" It was so well-worded and memorable that I still remember her post 8 years later. 

A few weeks ago, Church people asked if they could schedule a meeting on my birthday, and I was like "yea, it's fine. Every day is my birthday". I really meant that. I do feel like every day is my birthday. The past 8 months, I have been able to hang out quite often with my 'social bubble' aka closest friends. There were a few months that I hung out so much that it felt like college again. or a retreat. It was beyond amazing.

But I know COVID is almost over. Traffic / rush hour is returning. People are going to go back to Church in-person, and work in-person; I can't sleep late anymore; I can't take naps in-between meetings. I can't play with my friends as much anymore. Life will resume. It'll be hard to adjust. But it'll be a healthy adjustment. This year was like a giant retreat -- really healing, a lot of friendships, a lot of love. But it's time to adjust to new changes ahead. A new season as the charismatics like to call it. I did write about some of my COVID takeaways in the Ignite women's blog

Validation for your pain

I was asked to write a blog post for our women's ministry's blog. Usually people write about something God helped them through. 

After reading my draft, I felt like it was just focused on my past pain; it felt like I was showing off my pain, like: "hey everyone, look at my pain; look at the hard stuff I've been through". But of course it's really subtle. And I know there is a valid reason to describing the details of your pain, because maybe someone else will relate and gain something from it. But, I realized that perhaps my desire and intention was to show off all that I've been through. 

I think it is natural to want your pain to be validated. There is something in us that feels that the pain was unjust. Why did we have to go through that? Another part in wanting validation is wanting respect and understanding.  I really like a quote by Katie Luse :

"Emotional pain doesn't like to be pushed. It needs to be validated, then healed. People are the way that they are for a reason. And it's not generally because I want to be an angry person with rage.. but I somehow got there,.. and so validating that you are the way that you are for a reason..."

"Sometimes honor is all that people need to heal. Sometimes all that people need to hear from you is that your pain matters to God"

I get that there are different steps to healing. The thing is that I'm actually over needing validation. That stage has long past, but I'm still used to presenting my past pain in a way that seeks validation, and perhaps it's like: well, it couldn't hurt to get even more validation even though I'm past that. Who doesn't want more respect and understanding from man? (when we should really be seeking that from God)

There definitely is a balance. Some people are constantly seeking sympathy and validation from people. It seems like it's never-ending. Someone should come up with the 5 stages of getting over emotional pain, similar to the 5 stages of grief. One of the stages should be validation. Now, I'm in the "joy" stage, perhaps the last stage or the step after the last stage. 

 Also, I really like this song by Greg coles, author of "Single, Gay, Christian" (which, btw, is a very good book). Speaking of pain and respect, I respect this guy for walking through the pain he went through, and still choosing Jesus. His book is very well-written; I highly recommend it. 

I am free

A couple days ago, I walked outside at 10:30pm to throw things into the recycling bin. The air / weather outside was so nice. I looked up into the sky and felt so happy and so free.

This carefree feeling. of time to myself. to relax in this nice weather, nice air. 

There is something special about the night. 

I love the feeling of feeling free. 

I love being free.

There was a time when I was in bondage, but now I am free. And I never want to let anything take that away from me. 

A few years ago, I saw this youtube video where this guy shares this great quote: "Never let the fear of temptation or the reality of temptation make you second guess or redefine your level of freedom". At the time, I strongly related to the quote. But now, it still applies in a different way. 

A lot of times, we're tempted to make life and relationships really complex. We overthink things. We get political. We calculate and guess. Guess motives, guess intentions, try to predict situations and the future. And it makes us stressed and tired and jaded. It comes from a place of fear. Sure, politics exist everywhere-- in the world, nationally, at work, at Church, in families and extended families, and sometimes even friendships. Relationships are a fact of life and we will always have to navigate complexities in human relationships. But above all of that is God's love and joy that can never be taken away. The simple joy of a child. "Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves" 

Never let jadedness and the complexities of life take away the freedom you have in Christ. 

We understand the politics and the complexities and know how to navigate them, but we don't let them define us or dictate our ability to follow Christ in both action and heart posture. 

Home

 Recently, a first gen Chinese father in his 60s was talking to some of us. One thing he said stuck with me for a few days afterwards. He was like: "I don't know why, but it seems like ABCs are always looking for home." (ABCs being American born Chinese, aka Asian Americans in modern speak)

But yea, it's true. why. why is that?

I remember when I first got to college, I didn't want to join an Asian fellowship because I was like: the real world is not just Asians. I need to learn to make friends with other races. But I visited a few fellowships and I just felt at "home" at Chinese Bible Study (CBS). I got a care package at my dorm room with my name on it and a fish drawn on it (because I told them I had a pet fish in my dorm). It felt so personalized, and my heart melted. And then they offered to give us "older prayer partners" (aka "big sis" relationship), and I was sold. I wanted to be taken care of, love-showered, and feel at home, more than my idealistic thoughts about learning to be friends with diverse groups of people.

I was thinking about this past year -- 2020. I've eaten with 4 different families (as in my friends or SO & their parents) in CA. I love eating with families. It feels so homey and full of love. It feels like they're my family too. It just feels so warm, like they're looking out for me, even though I'm not their biological kid. Sometimes I love it so much, that I'm like: what is wrong with me? I'm not like an orphan. I have a family already. 

I actually rarely feel homesick. In college I never felt homesick. Same with upstate NY and California. I've never felt homesick. The only time I ever felt homesick was a short period in MBA in Michigan. There were a lot of breaks--winter break, spring break, etc. And I always went home during those breaks. At home, there are always tons of family friends over at our house. They come over multiple times a week, without prior warning. They're just like "we're coming in an hour; we'll bring some food", and they come over for dinner. Or my brother's friends are always over, and then my dad ends up feeding them. It feels like our home is a home to many others. Sometimes my cousin is over too, and my dad is basically a second father to him. It just felt full and lively and homey, and I missed NJ home during that time. 

My dad got me a really nice mirrorless micro 4/3rd camera (basically a "travel DSLR" for non-camera people) right before MBA, because I was going to Iceland at the start of MBA. I remember during MBA, thinking to myself: I now have the best camera I have ever had in my life, but no people to take pictures of. 

When I was applying for jobs post-MBA and trying really hard to get a job in NJ so I could live at home, my college friend Justin was like: "you don't want to live at home!" and I was like: "why not? yea, I guess you're right. I should just get my own life somewhere" and he said: "it's a difficult balance. home vs making your own home". and I replied: "it's hard to make your own home"

Well, I guess, in the past 3+ years I have made my own home. Here, in CA. Home is where the people you love are. Home is where there are people you want to take pictures of. (I know, I'm such a camera mom already)

a card to God

I can be quite good at writing cards. Perhaps because I can have deep affections for people that are difficult for me to express in person, so I write it in a card. Or perhaps because when I am alone, I can access my deepest emotions more easily. 

I had a realization recently that I'm not sure if I've written God a card before. Sure, I've journaled and I've prayed. But the format of the cards that I write are different. They're deeper and more affectionate. They recount history, contain gratefulness, express hope for a future together. 

I'm going to write God a card.

One time, I told a friend "you know I can't refuse you", and she said that's what she says to God. And I thought to myself: wait, I've never said that to God before. 

Recently, I've been more expressive towards God in this way. When I think of something affectionate I want to tell God, I write it down so I don't forget it. So that I can reread it later and feel the affection that I felt in that moment. 

Things like:

God, your dreams are my dreams

I will keep my heart soft for you. I will engage, for you. I will try, for you

It is my honor and my desire to follow and obey you. You touch the deepest innermost parts of my heart

Life is fun, full of hope, because it's with you 

Often, the reason I can write good cards is because I allow the affections for the person to fester and grow as I draft the card. I'm doing that now with God too. I'm going to write a really good card to God. 

2020, a year of change

I suddenly had a realization today.

That I will miss 2020. I will miss this time. 

Not to be insensitive about how horrible this pandemic, the fires, worsening global economy, etc are... but I am starting to love my life right now.

I have so much time to myself, to read, to sleep, to chat with people, to do hobbies, to journal, to experience God's presence. I can sleep late and also sleep in unless I have early meetings. I have grown personally; I have learned things about myself. I have grown spiritually. Many of my friendships have deepened, and sometimes it almost feels like I'm on a constant retreat. Those Church retreats where you stay up late to talk, because this is the one time all year you can do that with your friends. Except every week is like a retreat. The last few months feel like a long retreat to me. A retreat of personal discovery, and deepened relationships with God and people.

Also, because of all the stuff happening this year, I can feel people around me changing, including myself. Not just people changing, but routines changing, procedures and processes changing. I like this type of change because it helps people break out of their old routine, their old way of thinking and rethink their life. 

For example, my manager said he never thought we would be able to do quarter close remotely. But now that we have done it for several quarters, he is rethinking his long term ideals for working from home. Perhaps even after COVID is over, we will work from home half the week. Also, he never thought he personally could work from home effectively, given that he has kids. But it turns out that he can. 

Things we thought we couldn't do, or wouldn't be effective, turn out to be fine during COVID. If we can change our life routines, we can change other more important things too, like our hearts. 

I am so excited because I am starting to see this change. I am starting to see a shift, in myself and others.

Change is hard. but this year, we are forced or pushed to change. Pushed to rethink life. (The negative approach to thinking about this is: if we can't even change this year, then when can we ever change? If we can't humble ourselves in a pandemic, when can we ever be humble? - I admit that in my frustration with humanity and perhaps myself, I have thought these thoughts too. Rest assured that I am by no means "overly" optimistic here.)

A couple years ago, I had a life coach for 8 months. She's a professional life coach and an ordained minister. She was really great. I thought it was funny though, that even though life coaches aren't supposed to tell you their personal opinion; they're supposed to just help you discover it yourself, she would tell me that through her many years of personal experience, she has realized that "people don't change". So she told me to not expect people to change. 

I both agree and disagree.

People do change. I have seen people change. If they want to, and/or if God intervenes. It's just a slow and stubborn process. It's often slower than you want, but faster than you think. And when you look at it every day, you won't notice any change. But if you step back and look holistically, you'll realize, there has been (some) change after all. 

But yes, the core of who we are, doesn't change. And yes, a lot of people don't change. (at least not in the way that you want them to :P )