Can women "have it all"?

 Just read this article about why women can't have it all, and how even the famous line "you can have it all, but just not all at once" is not entirely accurate. 

Of course the article was written by an extremely ambitious woman--  and I have no desire to be as ambitious (she wakes up at 4:30am etc and only comes home on weekends)

But it reminded me of when I felt strongly about this subject a year or two ago. Even though no one has ever come up to me and explicitly said "if you were a mother and got promoted to be a director, I would not respect that as much as if a guy/father got promoted to be a director", I have always strongly felt that sentiment. Just from observation of Asian or traditional culture, and the way they (over) praise men who do well in their careers and "talk about" women who do well in their careers in this weird tone, makes me feel uneasy. About successful women, they'll say things like: That girl is very "li hai" (in chinese), which means that woman is very capable, but it's like this neutral to almost negative tone, implying they are "aggressive", which tends to be a negative connotation for women. 

It's like the aggressive woman that is unwanted for marriage. 

Even though I wouldn't consider myself an aggressive woman, maybe it is because I've never been allowed to show that part of myself, because it's not wanted in this world. And I don't want to be unwanted.

I remember when I used to play tennis, I was always jealous of men's tennis and how they could hit winners and then scream at their opponent "Yea!!!" whereas women had to be nice and do a silent fist pump to themselves. I want to win obnoxiously too, like men. 

I think when I had this realization that not everyone has the same respect for women as they have for men who are successful in their careers, I felt unmotivated to really try in my career. Like, why should I try when I won't be rewarded socially? (Because I also have a desire to be socially accepted and socially successful). If a woman earns $300K and is an executive at a fortune 500 company, people are wary of her ability to be a "present mother", but if a man does the same, he is praised. How is that fair? 

Anyway, I have honestly never considered myself a feminist. I have even mocked / teased my feminist friends. But today is the day I repent for that. Because I realized that maybe I do empathize with the hurt women have felt, from sexist thoughts. Though, similar to the article, I do believe women and men were created differently and there are inherent gender differences. But, women can have dreams too. 

Unspent Love

 Unspent love

Is that a thing? Did I make that up?

During this season, I see a very limited set of close friends. But I would dare say that the hangouts (either online, in-person or via chat) are even deeper, more meaningful and more treasured than before COVID. Yet, I want more.

There is a deep, deep hunger for more. More depth, more affection, more touch, more eye contact, deeper connection, deeper trust, deeper love

And it feels like there is this well of unspent love that needs to be given away. I want to hug/touch people, gaze into people's eyes, connect with people through personal/deeper convos.  Before COVID, people were busy, so I don't know if my interactions with people were even as deep (at least not as frequently). But for some reason, COVID (and everything else going on in the world) brings out this greater longing for unity, for connection, for spiritual hunger, for love, for change, for more. I don't know what that more is. I'm just unsatisfied, even as I am content. I have what I need but I still want more. 

Strong feelings are always scary. because. Is it normal? Am I different? Are they from God, or my flesh?

Lord, purify my desires and use them for your glory

Unspent, pent-up love. How does it get released? I can't just "do things" like volunteer; that'll burn me out. It has to be something that truly vibes with me, that is highly connected to my affections and passions. Maybe it's as simple as spending time gazing into the eyes of Jesus, into the heart of God. 

Continuously Awake

 I woke in bits, like all children, piecemeal over the years. I discovered myself and the world, and forgot them, and discovered them again. I woke at intervals until, by that September when Father went down the river, the intervals of waking tipped the scales, and I was more often awake than not. I noticed this process of waking, and predicted with terrifying logic that one of these years not far away I would be awake continuously and never slip back, and never be free of myself again (11) – An American Childhood by Annie Dillard

I read this in 8th or 9th grade. It is such a deep quote, full of deep self-awareness of what it means to become an adult.

Recently, I thought of that quote because I could relate to it. As you grow older, you realize more and more, you can never go back to the more "carefree" days. Life only gets more complex. It's not that I'm relating to the "process of waking", but rather the process of entering into a complex world and knowing reality that you can never un-know again. Once you enter into this reality, you can't escape it. You can't slip back and be free of yourself again. Once you have responsibilities in life, you can't go back to being the child you once were. Once you enter into community and relationship with people, you're committed to both the joy and the pain.

It never ends, and it's a long journey. The older you get, the deeper into life you go, and the more involved with people you get, and the more settled down and committed you are,  the more you realize how complex and nuanced everything is, how un-black-and-white everything is, how there are no straight forward answers. The more you realize that you have to do the hard work of listening, understanding, humbling yourself, deciding upon your convictions but expressing them in love, bringing people together, jumping into your own emotional mess or other people's messes, dealing with the past, healing from the past, asking for forgiveness, trusting in the way God sees you even though no one else sees what God sees, trying to help others to see others the way God sees them.

People are hard, but they're worth it. Church unity is hard, but it's worth it. Having kids is hard, but it's worth it. Family relationships are hard, but family is forever. And Church is family. 

I think it's like deciding to adopt a 10-year-old kid who has a LOT of "issues" because they've been an orphan for so long. Once you commit to adopting, you're committing for life. You can't back out. You're not a foster parent; you're their real parent. You have to deal with all the complexities, including your kid saying "I hate you; you're not my real parent" or things like that. You have to deal with their childhood wounds that you didn't even cause.

As I said in a previous post, love is messy. But it's worth it. Love is beautiful

Wanting more

I had a video call with a few girls, and it was good but left me unsatisfied and wanting more. After the call, I took a nap to attempt to nap away my desires. 

I want to look in people's eyes, feel their presence, sense their emotions, read their minds and souls, hug them, lean on them, hear their voices all at once, see their entire body, see their posture, hear their laughter and giggles

In-person hangouts are just so much better

But I guess if you live together, like family, you basically take that for granted, and you don't even look into each others' eyes. You just... like.. watch TV together or whatever. 

It's weird. to get to a state, where you don't want "more" of the other person. You're just comfortable ? Satisfied? do your own thing ? I guess at the end of the day, you'd want both. You want to feel safe and comfortable with people you are close to. (Messy room? who cares? it's just family.) 

After a while there is nothing more to know, nothing new to tease people about, and what's left is just partnership and support. Running the race together. Achieving the same goals together. 

I've always loved camaraderie

Trust

Loyalty

Deep affection

Why can't things last forever?

There is a well of emotion in me that is unexplainable. Just like the depth of Keira Knightley's eyes in Pride and Prejudice. 

I love eyes. I love vulnerability. I love people who say my name. 

I like touch. I like leaning on people physically. I like hugs.

I like sincerity. I like loyalty. I like genuine. I like transparency. 

I like that feeling when someone asks you a question that is so deep and intrusive that you suddenly feel naked. Your eyes open bigger and blink a couple of times before you're able to answer. Or the feeling when someone you trust gives you unexpected firm but gentle/loving feedback, and your eyes become very wide and obedient, and your heart becomes humbled. 

I wish that good times could last forever too. 

But I also pray that my heart can be enlarged to keep loving, with the same depth, every new person that is in front of me. despite how many changes life may bring

Floyd & BLM-related tensions

I admit that I can be quite sensitive sometimes.

The Floyd-related recent events have created a massive war / debate / hostility on social media. The hostility and disunity is something I'm pretty sensitive about. With some people's posts, even though their intentions are good, I can feel the condescending attitude behind the words. Or I can feel the guilt tripping even if others don't see it. Or, I sometimes wonder at some elaborate posts, if it's really genuine, or if people are just trying to seem virtuous on social media.

It took me until last Friday to finally give up judging. I still judge, but after momentarily judging, I try to step back and be like: whatevers, everyone I know is basically on the same "side" regardless of method. I may disagree with their methodology or nuanced opinions, but we all want racism to end, so that's enough for me.

It's kind of like Christianity. There are different denominations and different specific theologies. Like are you more Calvinist or Armenian?  These things are not core

And I know that even though it may lead to "disunity", speaking out your opinions on BLM is good for the movement. Saying things like "silence is betrayal" can come off condescending or like you're trying to guilt trip people into posting black squares on Instagram, but in the end, it may push people out of their comfort zone. So, I would say the method or intention is questionable but the result is good, so I'm okay with it. And I do recognize that their comments are more targeted towards Corporations that have traditionally been silent, and I do agree that Corporations should be bullied into not being silent. But I do agree with Mark Zuckerberg on his stance to not remove Trump's tweets. Because I believe social media platforms should be as unbiased as possible, so both "sides" can use it. Sidenote: I think it's dumb that every issue that occurs in America has to turn into "two sides" and be all political. This is supposed to be about justice not politics

So yea, usually in these hostile environments, I am mostly frustrated when people lack empathy, love and compassion. which is ironic, because in being frustrated with people who lack empathy, I myself am lacking empathy for the people I'm frustrated at. So it just reveals my bias in this situation.

One person at Church said that when discussing BLM stuff, we really need to create a safe space where someone can literally say "I don't believe racism exists" and not get blasted on for saying that. I was so touched that she said that, because she's the most woke person I know and feels very strongly about social justice related issues, but her wanting to create a safe place for ignorant people to voice their opinions shows so much love and patience. And I was truly very touched.

I felt very safe and loved, even though she was not speaking about me.

On the other hand, when people talk about ignorant people in a condescending / dismissive way, and say they don't even have patience for them, it makes me very annoyed.
But in being frustrated with these people's lack of empathy, I also realize that I forget I need to empathize with them too. None of our hearts have the capacity of Jesus' heart towards us.

People give meaning

Staying at home and not seeing people really makes life less meaningful.

How can there be meaning if there are no people? Imagine a life with just you. Why would you even be interested in the hobbies you're interested in, if you can't show the results to anyone? Why would you want to be successful if there's no one to recognize it?

Everything I do resolves around people.... whether it's achieving greater closeness with people, loving / knowing people, or gaining love / affirmation from people.

I like to say that I don't have any real hobbies; all I really love is people. But my friends always want to call me out on that lie.

Fine. If I really think about it, there are some things I like, that are not influenced by people.

I like walking outside at night when the temperature is nice, and breathing in the cool crisp air. It feels romantic. It feels good. I feel alive. because I can think about deep things at night. I can think about life.

I like boba (milk tea/ bubble tea). And I do like some foods. But my desire for food sort of vanishes when I miss people, when I'm too sad, or  when I'm too satisfied with life (that's one of my hypotheses for why I got so skinny in CA). But boba is one of the foods I still can usually desire even when I'm not into food.

I like doing things with my hands, i.e. crafts or building things. But it has to have an emotional element to it. i.e. making cards or photo albums for people. Or be practical (i.e. building a birdhouse for my bird).

I like talking about "deeper" subjects, because through deeper conversations, I hope to find more meaning in life, and I want to be known. One time, a friend told me: "You have a strong desire to be known". When she said that, she had only known me for 4-5 months. I was taken aback, shocked that she could read my soul so quickly. But I played it cool, and was like: "everyone wants to be known". But she was like: "But you have an especially strong desire to be known". and I was like omg. what a mind / soul reader.

So, that's why I blog. All my "deeper" thoughts that have no air time, I put here. Also because, apparently, I want to be known. I love intimacy. This is. One of my hobbies.

My thoughts and feelings in the midst of covid

I have been sad. Not every day, not every moment. But last week there were a few days when I just cried and cried, and there was no end. I'm better now. Really. Thanks to people in my life, and God's comfort.

I don't know why I am sad. Everyone asks me that, so I try. I try to give an answer. To those who might be able to empathize, or who might care enough to try.

I want to be transparent with my feelings and thoughts, but I also fear that my negativity and sadness will scare people away. And then I'll really be alone. So when I share more broadly, I try to tone it down a bit.

I have judged overly positive articles about how we'll look back and see that all of this was not that bad, that pollution was greatly reduced, people learned to enjoy nature and family, etc. I thought the article was overly naive at the time it was written (>3 weeks ago), and also highly highly insensitive to the very real pain in the world. Part of my sadness or frustration/annoyance comes from overly optimistic or naive people who don't see the pain or the future pain that COVID will cause. Part of me is like they will see the pain in due time, when people start dying, losing their jobs, etc.. But more and more, I am beginning to feel that they will never see what I see because they are just different. We are different. And that is okay. It is okay but it also makes me feel pretty alone in my feelings or thoughts about covid. Like everyone else is either positive about it or, if they are sad, they just pick up hobbies or watch netflix to feel better or try not to think too much about it, whereas my preference is to fully immerse myself in the pain. To fully feel the pain, to learn more about the pain that is going on in the world, to be fully informed, and I can't help but think about the entire domino effect. You can't just shut the whole world down for 2 months and expect things to just recover afterwards. There will be. lasting. damage. Maybe it's because I'm also in Finance, and I do forecasting. And there are some very real frustrations at work with all the different opinions for our forecast.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to hide my sad feelings behind "feeling sad for the world" and pretending to be more altruistic and big picture than I really am so I can have a "legit" excuse for my sadness. but I think not all of my sadness is for the world. Some (or most) of it is (probably) just about me.

Maybe I just need to see people. Maybe if I lived with family or people I was close to, I would be able to be more positive/hopeful about this whole thing. And then, yea I would watch netflix to bond with family too. Maybe I would be more "productive" (the productivity culture also low key annoys me sometimes too. Like can I just rest? lol, jk, I need to be less sensitive I know. Many things annoy me these days but I am trying to remember that everyone is different and also everyone else is just as  confused as I am about their true thoughts and feelings)

Maybe I've been too reliant on people instead of leaning on God. Maybe I just don't know how to connect to God. Like I can't sit still for long enough to fully connect. And if I fully connected all the time, I would fully feel His comfort and sweet presence all the time. And be at peace.

Maybe it's unresolved pain from the past. Like I hung out with Jon and his family Saturday and it felt so warm and nice. It felt so good that I got emotional. And I thought: where was this when I lived in the middle of nowhere? But maybe it's not related to the past and it's just that in life crises, you tend to think and reflect upon your entire life (just like when you're about to die). I think it could really just be as simple as: I just miss people and the family-like atmosphere that comes with in-person interaction. I just miss friends and everyone I usually see.

It also could be as simple as: I need more attention. Everyone is hanging with their families. And I'm just seeking love and attention.

Or maybe I am feeling sad for the world and my empathy game is too strong.

Or maybe a combination of everything and more.

Honestly, I don't know. And I don't know if it matters. When I try to figure things out with my own strength, sometimes I just get confused. I need to invite God into my thoughts and let Him lead, even if it seems like a "slower" process. Like okay God, just tell me what the root cause is now, so I can' fix it and get on with life. Thanks. But yea, covid is not going away any time soon. I do need to start connecting with God, opening up to people, reaching out and telling those around me what I need, etc.

So here it is. My not-fully-processed inconclusive thoughts