Continuously Awake

 I woke in bits, like all children, piecemeal over the years. I discovered myself and the world, and forgot them, and discovered them again. I woke at intervals until, by that September when Father went down the river, the intervals of waking tipped the scales, and I was more often awake than not. I noticed this process of waking, and predicted with terrifying logic that one of these years not far away I would be awake continuously and never slip back, and never be free of myself again (11) – An American Childhood by Annie Dillard

I read this in 8th or 9th grade. It is such a deep quote, full of deep self-awareness of what it means to become an adult.

Recently, I thought of that quote because I could relate to it. As you grow older, you realize more and more, you can never go back to the more "carefree" days. Life only gets more complex. It's not that I'm relating to the "process of waking", but rather the process of entering into a complex world and knowing reality that you can never un-know again. Once you enter into this reality, you can't escape it. You can't slip back and be free of yourself again. Once you have responsibilities in life, you can't go back to being the child you once were. Once you enter into community and relationship with people, you're committed to both the joy and the pain.

It never ends, and it's a long journey. The older you get, the deeper into life you go, and the more involved with people you get, and the more settled down and committed you are,  the more you realize how complex and nuanced everything is, how un-black-and-white everything is, how there are no straight forward answers. The more you realize that you have to do the hard work of listening, understanding, humbling yourself, deciding upon your convictions but expressing them in love, bringing people together, jumping into your own emotional mess or other people's messes, dealing with the past, healing from the past, asking for forgiveness, trusting in the way God sees you even though no one else sees what God sees, trying to help others to see others the way God sees them.

People are hard, but they're worth it. Church unity is hard, but it's worth it. Having kids is hard, but it's worth it. Family relationships are hard, but family is forever. And Church is family. 

I think it's like deciding to adopt a 10-year-old kid who has a LOT of "issues" because they've been an orphan for so long. Once you commit to adopting, you're committing for life. You can't back out. You're not a foster parent; you're their real parent. You have to deal with all the complexities, including your kid saying "I hate you; you're not my real parent" or things like that. You have to deal with their childhood wounds that you didn't even cause.

As I said in a previous post, love is messy. But it's worth it. Love is beautiful

Wanting more

I had a video call with a few girls, and it was good but left me unsatisfied and wanting more. After the call, I took a nap to attempt to nap away my desires. 

I want to look in people's eyes, feel their presence, sense their emotions, read their minds and souls, hug them, lean on them, hear their voices all at once, see their entire body, see their posture, hear their laughter and giggles

In-person hangouts are just so much better

But I guess if you live together, like family, you basically take that for granted, and you don't even look into each others' eyes. You just... like.. watch TV together or whatever. 

It's weird. to get to a state, where you don't want "more" of the other person. You're just comfortable ? Satisfied? do your own thing ? I guess at the end of the day, you'd want both. You want to feel safe and comfortable with people you are close to. (Messy room? who cares? it's just family.) 

After a while there is nothing more to know, nothing new to tease people about, and what's left is just partnership and support. Running the race together. Achieving the same goals together. 

I've always loved camaraderie

Trust

Loyalty

Deep affection

Why can't things last forever?

There is a well of emotion in me that is unexplainable. Just like the depth of Keira Knightley's eyes in Pride and Prejudice. 

I love eyes. I love vulnerability. I love people who say my name. 

I like touch. I like leaning on people physically. I like hugs.

I like sincerity. I like loyalty. I like genuine. I like transparency. 

I like that feeling when someone asks you a question that is so deep and intrusive that you suddenly feel naked. Your eyes open bigger and blink a couple of times before you're able to answer. Or the feeling when someone you trust gives you unexpected firm but gentle/loving feedback, and your eyes become very wide and obedient, and your heart becomes humbled. 

I wish that good times could last forever too. 

But I also pray that my heart can be enlarged to keep loving, with the same depth, every new person that is in front of me. despite how many changes life may bring

Floyd & BLM-related tensions

I admit that I can be quite sensitive sometimes.

The Floyd-related recent events have created a massive war / debate / hostility on social media. The hostility and disunity is something I'm pretty sensitive about. With some people's posts, even though their intentions are good, I can feel the condescending attitude behind the words. Or I can feel the guilt tripping even if others don't see it. Or, I sometimes wonder at some elaborate posts, if it's really genuine, or if people are just trying to seem virtuous on social media.

It took me until last Friday to finally give up judging. I still judge, but after momentarily judging, I try to step back and be like: whatevers, everyone I know is basically on the same "side" regardless of method. I may disagree with their methodology or nuanced opinions, but we all want racism to end, so that's enough for me.

It's kind of like Christianity. There are different denominations and different specific theologies. Like are you more Calvinist or Armenian?  These things are not core

And I know that even though it may lead to "disunity", speaking out your opinions on BLM is good for the movement. Saying things like "silence is betrayal" can come off condescending or like you're trying to guilt trip people into posting black squares on Instagram, but in the end, it may push people out of their comfort zone. So, I would say the method or intention is questionable but the result is good, so I'm okay with it. And I do recognize that their comments are more targeted towards Corporations that have traditionally been silent, and I do agree that Corporations should be bullied into not being silent. But I do agree with Mark Zuckerberg on his stance to not remove Trump's tweets. Because I believe social media platforms should be as unbiased as possible, so both "sides" can use it. Sidenote: I think it's dumb that every issue that occurs in America has to turn into "two sides" and be all political. This is supposed to be about justice not politics

So yea, usually in these hostile environments, I am mostly frustrated when people lack empathy, love and compassion. which is ironic, because in being frustrated with people who lack empathy, I myself am lacking empathy for the people I'm frustrated at. So it just reveals my bias in this situation.

One person at Church said that when discussing BLM stuff, we really need to create a safe space where someone can literally say "I don't believe racism exists" and not get blasted on for saying that. I was so touched that she said that, because she's the most woke person I know and feels very strongly about social justice related issues, but her wanting to create a safe place for ignorant people to voice their opinions shows so much love and patience. And I was truly very touched.

I felt very safe and loved, even though she was not speaking about me.

On the other hand, when people talk about ignorant people in a condescending / dismissive way, and say they don't even have patience for them, it makes me very annoyed.
But in being frustrated with these people's lack of empathy, I also realize that I forget I need to empathize with them too. None of our hearts have the capacity of Jesus' heart towards us.

People give meaning

Staying at home and not seeing people really makes life less meaningful.

How can there be meaning if there are no people? Imagine a life with just you. Why would you even be interested in the hobbies you're interested in, if you can't show the results to anyone? Why would you want to be successful if there's no one to recognize it?

Everything I do resolves around people.... whether it's achieving greater closeness with people, loving / knowing people, or gaining love / affirmation from people.

I like to say that I don't have any real hobbies; all I really love is people. But my friends always want to call me out on that lie.

Fine. If I really think about it, there are some things I like, that are not influenced by people.

I like walking outside at night when the temperature is nice, and breathing in the cool crisp air. It feels romantic. It feels good. I feel alive. because I can think about deep things at night. I can think about life.

I like boba (milk tea/ bubble tea). And I do like some foods. But my desire for food sort of vanishes when I miss people, when I'm too sad, or  when I'm too satisfied with life (that's one of my hypotheses for why I got so skinny in CA). But boba is one of the foods I still can usually desire even when I'm not into food.

I like doing things with my hands, i.e. crafts or building things. But it has to have an emotional element to it. i.e. making cards or photo albums for people. Or be practical (i.e. building a birdhouse for my bird).

I like talking about "deeper" subjects, because through deeper conversations, I hope to find more meaning in life, and I want to be known. One time, a friend told me: "You have a strong desire to be known". When she said that, she had only known me for 4-5 months. I was taken aback, shocked that she could read my soul so quickly. But I played it cool, and was like: "everyone wants to be known". But she was like: "But you have an especially strong desire to be known". and I was like omg. what a mind / soul reader.

So, that's why I blog. All my "deeper" thoughts that have no air time, I put here. Also because, apparently, I want to be known. I love intimacy. This is. One of my hobbies.

My thoughts and feelings in the midst of covid

I have been sad. Not every day, not every moment. But last week there were a few days when I just cried and cried, and there was no end. I'm better now. Really. Thanks to people in my life, and God's comfort.

I don't know why I am sad. Everyone asks me that, so I try. I try to give an answer. To those who might be able to empathize, or who might care enough to try.

I want to be transparent with my feelings and thoughts, but I also fear that my negativity and sadness will scare people away. And then I'll really be alone. So when I share more broadly, I try to tone it down a bit.

I have judged overly positive articles about how we'll look back and see that all of this was not that bad, that pollution was greatly reduced, people learned to enjoy nature and family, etc. I thought the article was overly naive at the time it was written (>3 weeks ago), and also highly highly insensitive to the very real pain in the world. Part of my sadness or frustration/annoyance comes from overly optimistic or naive people who don't see the pain or the future pain that COVID will cause. Part of me is like they will see the pain in due time, when people start dying, losing their jobs, etc.. But more and more, I am beginning to feel that they will never see what I see because they are just different. We are different. And that is okay. It is okay but it also makes me feel pretty alone in my feelings or thoughts about covid. Like everyone else is either positive about it or, if they are sad, they just pick up hobbies or watch netflix to feel better or try not to think too much about it, whereas my preference is to fully immerse myself in the pain. To fully feel the pain, to learn more about the pain that is going on in the world, to be fully informed, and I can't help but think about the entire domino effect. You can't just shut the whole world down for 2 months and expect things to just recover afterwards. There will be. lasting. damage. Maybe it's because I'm also in Finance, and I do forecasting. And there are some very real frustrations at work with all the different opinions for our forecast.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to hide my sad feelings behind "feeling sad for the world" and pretending to be more altruistic and big picture than I really am so I can have a "legit" excuse for my sadness. but I think not all of my sadness is for the world. Some (or most) of it is (probably) just about me.

Maybe I just need to see people. Maybe if I lived with family or people I was close to, I would be able to be more positive/hopeful about this whole thing. And then, yea I would watch netflix to bond with family too. Maybe I would be more "productive" (the productivity culture also low key annoys me sometimes too. Like can I just rest? lol, jk, I need to be less sensitive I know. Many things annoy me these days but I am trying to remember that everyone is different and also everyone else is just as  confused as I am about their true thoughts and feelings)

Maybe I've been too reliant on people instead of leaning on God. Maybe I just don't know how to connect to God. Like I can't sit still for long enough to fully connect. And if I fully connected all the time, I would fully feel His comfort and sweet presence all the time. And be at peace.

Maybe it's unresolved pain from the past. Like I hung out with Jon and his family Saturday and it felt so warm and nice. It felt so good that I got emotional. And I thought: where was this when I lived in the middle of nowhere? But maybe it's not related to the past and it's just that in life crises, you tend to think and reflect upon your entire life (just like when you're about to die). I think it could really just be as simple as: I just miss people and the family-like atmosphere that comes with in-person interaction. I just miss friends and everyone I usually see.

It also could be as simple as: I need more attention. Everyone is hanging with their families. And I'm just seeking love and attention.

Or maybe I am feeling sad for the world and my empathy game is too strong.

Or maybe a combination of everything and more.

Honestly, I don't know. And I don't know if it matters. When I try to figure things out with my own strength, sometimes I just get confused. I need to invite God into my thoughts and let Him lead, even if it seems like a "slower" process. Like okay God, just tell me what the root cause is now, so I can' fix it and get on with life. Thanks. But yea, covid is not going away any time soon. I do need to start connecting with God, opening up to people, reaching out and telling those around me what I need, etc.

So here it is. My not-fully-processed inconclusive thoughts

"The cure cannot be worse than the problem itself"

"The cure cannot be worse than the problem itself" - Trump

I know most people are probably angered by Trump's quotes and think he is dumb for wanting to reopen America by Easter. And yes, I agree that that is probably not the best decision (though I'm not 100% sure).

But putting the logical side of me aside, the quote itself makes me sad. There is so much hopelessness and desperation in that quote. It's a lose-lose quote.  The "cure" (social distancing) is almost just as bad as the problem itself.

Then I read news on how India is shutting down, and people there are saying they'll die from starvation before they die from coronavirus. It reminds me that not every country can as easily "afford" a shutdown like the US can.

Reading the news is depressing, but I want to be informed, so I don't want to avoid the news.

This is an encouraging article from DesiringGod.org. It reminds us to change our "What if's" to "Even if".

I think I used to be better at doing that -- changing my 'what if' to 'even if'. But it's really hard right now, without being able to meet physically with other believers. I have community, but community is virtual, which is just different. I feel like most of my friends here live with their spouse or live at home (as in their parents' home), so they have siblings and parents to chat with about the news, or to help them divert their focus away from the news and to food or whatever hobby/games they do at home. I'm stuck with my own mind most of the day, and it's a more uphill battle to keep my mind from being depressed about the situation. And honestly, I don't feel like playing games or picking up hobbies.

I know we're called to have joy, hope in the Lord, etc. But I think I'm just in the mourning period right now. I'm not mourning for today, but for what I feel like will come in the very near future (similar to what this article suggests). I pray and hope God will intervene with a miracle. I forget sometimes, that God does do that. I hope that I'm pre-grieving for things that will not actually happen. (EDIT: apparently pre-grieving is actually called "Anticipatory grief" as cited in this article about the grief many are feeling about coronavirus)

But even if many people die, all without funerals, even if the worst case scenario from this forecast is true, God is still with me and He is good. And there is nothing that can keep me from singing His praise.

Pain & Vision

I really liked Pastor Jason's sermon this past Sunday on why having vision is important.
Having vision gives purpose to the pain we experience in life.
Vision provides meaning, purpose and hope in difficult times.

Of course, sometimes the pain we experience is the consequence of our own sin, not just others' sin or external uncontrollable factors. But no matter what the cause of the pain is, I believe the concept still applies. Even if the pain you experience is due to your own sin, as long as you recognize and turn from sin, there is hope for you because God forgives. So when you experience pain, (whatever the cause), you can bear it, because you know the future carries hope, because God has a purpose and plan for your life. In Christ, there is always redemption. And God doesn't waste your pain.

But I also believe pain needs to be fully healed.

Sometimes, living in the present, laughing, and having friends love you, does a large majority of the healing. People heal when they feel safe, in a loving community they can trust-- a community that really knows you, wants to know you and really loves you for who you are.

Sometimes pain wants to be validated and honored. And all you need to heal is to know that your pain matters to God.
The best imagery I have for this, is in 2015, a stranger from a conference wanted to pray for me. She asked me what I wanted prayer for. I told her my story. Immediately, I could see water rush into her eyes. I could feel compassion from her eyes. I was so touched that a stranger could have such strong compassion towards me. At that moment, I felt that God really cared. I always picture that imagery. God looking into my eyes, and his eyes tell me He knows my pain, and my pain matters to Him. (also, I just love eye contact, and God knows that)

Sometimes, Holy Spirit just heals you, whether in worship or in prayer. God just speaks directly to your heart--not through others, but directly. and it's louder than usual and you know it's God.

Recently, I have been listening to my recordings of prophetic words spoken over me about my calling. Three different people calling out the same thing. It has given me so much hope and strength.

Pastor Jason also talked about the niche you fill in your community, and how that could be part of your purpose. I feel that sometimes, for me, one of those niches, is talking about subjects others might feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about. There are so many other things.
I think a lot of people struggle with feeling that they are not "special", that there is always someone else who has more wisdom, compassion, musical talent or whatever. But you need to look beyond that and into the more granular detailed nuances. No one else has your experiences and your exact personality and interests and friend circles. God can use anyone. You don't have to be flashy like a Tim Keller or a Kris Valloton. (trying to be inclusive here... jk).

There were/are definitely some people in my life, where every time I talk to them, I feel they are so life-giving. I just feel so fed, spiritually and emotionally. There are others who are always constant and stable; I can trust their genuine-ness and loyalty. There are those with immense wisdom, those with great ideas, those with great execution. Even the complainers have a place in the body, because they stir things up, and then those who like to execute, try to change things. Even the emotional leeches have a place (kinda), because they stretch and challenge others' character--though of course, ideally we want them to heal.