Back at School

I've been back at school for 3 weeks. Things are a lot faster-paced at school than at my Indiana internship. I get like 40+ emails a day instead of 5. Every hour feels like 5 more emails. And so much stuff to do even though I'm only in 3 classes. I do spend a lot of time doing "nothing", as in not getting stuff on my to-do list checked off, but just thinking about stuff or getting distracted. 

It's hard to do work continuously, unless it's due in 3 hours and your group is relying on you to finish your part. I've never really been motivated by doing work "for myself". But that's what everyone tells you to do, to do stuff because you want to do it, not because others want you to do it. Learning is for you, not others. And that's called curiosity. Everyone is curious about different things. For example, I am not at all curious about history or art. But everything that might affect my reputation or relationships, I am curious about. So, I learn to not appear dumb. And I learn things that are relevant to people I know, such as culture. So I might google the basics of world war II, just to not appear too dumb, but I'm not actually that interested. However, if my best friend is a history major and loves a certain part of history, I would study it in depth just to discuss it with her. 

When you're not motivated in life, your curiosity about everything drops pretty low, and you're just looking for answers. Answers on what you should do with your life to feel more meaningful and valuable and purposeful. This is the nature of the quarter life crisis. And the answer seems to be, to find a special person, after which everything in life suddenly seems meaningful. Even the simple routine things, like cooking and eating and walking. Everything suddenly is more enjoyable. It's magical.

I'm not sure I believe that anymore. I think for some people, it does happen that way. It might be a short-lived honeymoon phase for some, or a fairly long phase for others. It's not the answer to purpose though. As Christians, obviously we would never confess that we actually used to believe that romance was the answer to purpose, but if you dig deep, I'm sure a lot of us believe(d) the same stuff everyone else believes. which is that romance is the answer. to life.  

The other lie is that career is the answer. If you just find the niche career where you can excel, then you're good. Yea. I'm sure that's what all the farmers thought 1000 years ago. A niche career being a means to purpose is an idea sponsored by middle-class-infested public schools that tell kids to reach for their dreams. And by dreams, they mean career-dreams. Why can't you be single, with a boring career, and have a fulfilling, meaningful, valuable, purposeful life in Christ? For most of the world, career is a means to live. It's just money. I've lived among the 1% for so long, that all I think about is career and relationships. 

Anyway, with all that said, I do think career and relationships are important and valuable life choices. :) Just not the answer to life. 

No reason to be anxious

I've been somewhat stressed out by work lately. and more like emotionally/psychologically stressed out.
And then things suddenly clicked just now, and I said to God: you know what? I've done my best. I'm accountable to you. If I don't get the offer, then I don't get the offer.

Felt a sigh of relief. Like it really actually doesn't matter. I just have one boss in life, and I know exactly what He expects of me. And I know He's proud of me.

AA Identity

Asian American Identity.

I was in Taiwan last month and we were eating with my mom's NJ friend who happened to be in Taiwan at the same time. She was saying how she bought so many cheap good-looking clothes in Taiwan, and telling me that I should go shopping too.

I was like: it's okay 
But she kept pushing. She recommended some hair clip as well, that looked really asian.
Eventually, something came out of my mouth that surprised even myself, and a few tears rolled out as well.
I was like: I don't like things that look too Asian
She said: You're just like [my daughter]. She says that too
Then I explained: It's because we're already Asian American. We already don't really fit in with white people and also don't really fit in with Asians, so we don't want to make it worse by looking too fob.

We were waiting for a table at a restaurant, and this family friend was just trying to suggest something simple, like shopping, and then I was like tearing.

Among all the types of identity struggles, that's probably the hardest one for me. Like yea, it's probably my fault for surrounding myself with Asian Americans in college, but like in high school, I didn't have a choice. Everyone in class was Asian American. So I got used to it.

Now what I do enjoy doing is telling people about being Asian American because who doesn't like to talk about themselves? But I got completely shut down by this white person the other day. I was explaining how ABC kids in high school try to stay as far away from Chinese culture as possible because they don't want to be like their parents and "uncool", and the white person was like: yea, like every kid in the world basically doesn't want to be like their old parents.

so yea, my story wasn't very "asian american". It was just a normal story of a kid. like any other kid in the US. So yes. poor us, Asian Americans that have to wrestle with identity. But at the end of the day, not really. It's mostly psychological. We play it up a lot. There's no way we should have a harder time than actual internationals. Yet, they often assimilate better than us, because they try harder and don't get turned off by "where are you from" questions. (which, apparently, this Sunday at Church, I was from Japan. But whatever, it was fine; they were really nice).

I don't want to downplay the struggle either of course.

but yea. Identity in Christ. so important to hold onto. It's who we are. gotta remind ourselves every day. It's who I am. loved by You.

Bubble tea

I think I've been obsessed with Asian food recently, and by "Asian food", I really mean bubble tea and sticky rice. Actually Thai food too. But mostly bubble tea and grass jelly.

The funny thing is when I was in Ann Arbor and bubble tea was accessible at 11am, I didn't get it that much. I got it maybe 3 times the whole year.

But now that I'm in Indiana, I'm like: omg, I need to find a bubble tea place, and I don't care if it's 1 hour away and sort of crappy.

I tried making my own bubbles boiling tapioca balls I bought from Indianapolis but they tasted like chemicals. I also made agar tea jello. Today, I bought a steamer and tried to steam sticky rice. I also made Thai Penang red curry. I think tomorrow I'll make mango sweet sticky rice, or attempt to.

It's like an obsession. Last week, I thought about bubble tea like every day. But it's not really that I love bubble tea THAT much, though I kind of do. I think it represents home or warmth or love or friendship or comfort or something warm and fuzzy that I miss. I'm not sure what it is that I'm missing, or when I lost it, but I want it back.

I miss home/family. I miss Globalfoundries. I miss getting 20 emails an hour, all of them "emergencies". I miss making fun of my coworkers, and sending screenshots in very casual emails. I miss hands-on work and getting thanked for fixing problems that I caused. I miss feeling important, getting things done, being the expert. I miss filling my candy jar, tasting my coworker's homemade lunches and eating 1 hour lunches.

I miss family and home. I miss my dad, my mom, my brother and the dog we borrow. I miss going to the little church in Princeton with all our family friends. I miss random family friends spontaneously coming over to eat and joking about everything under the sun.

I actually really appreciated all my friends in Taiwan that I met at Singing Waters Canada, coming out to see me when I was in Taipei. Even though I only knew them for 2 months, they still were so eager to come see me. That was really a surprise for me, and I hadn't felt that kind of love from non-family members in a while.

It really is those warm moments with friends and family that make you come alive. and help you stop clinging to food and vacations/exploring places and 'exciting new things' and all other entertainment in an attempt to self medicate your pain and misery.

But those things don't last forever. Friends take time to develop and young people move around, and it's hard to quickly get close friends every time you move and settle. Family is great, but they're not always there, and you share different things with family than friends. If I had just kept God as my friend, the past few years would have been better.

But it's never to late to start again and rekindle that first love.

only miss the sun when it starts to snow
it's been snowing for a while, and I just didn't realize

Documentaries and movies

I've been watching a lot of documentaries/movies lately.
On poverty, drugs, prostitution, foster care.

Watched a really good movie today called Short Term 12. Man, it was really good. I haven't watched movies by myself in a while because I haven't had the patience to watch them. (maybe because I'm not looking for entertainment. I'm looking for answers). So I've been watching documentaries. Watched like 7 episodes of Drugs Inc, learned about the supply chain of different drugs and how each of them are different. Watched 'Tricked', a documentary about how girls get tricked into prostitution. Watched 'The House I Live in', a documentary about poverty and drugs, and how drug dealers were the role models and the Santa Clauses in the poor neighborhood.

And today I watched a movie. Short Term 12. It's about foster kids in a foster care group home. It was so real. so real. Not like one of those BS inspiring movies. This was like the real thing, the real struggle. Really powerful movie. I also googled it later and found that a group-home veteran also blogged about how it was very realistic and brought back a lot of memories and really hit home for him. Highly recommended.

Anyway. Why am I watching this stuff? I don't know. Maybe I'm looking for answers. for a greater understanding of people. people and their pain.

There should be more testimonies. Testimonies of Jesus healing deep deep hurts. And there should be documentaries on those. And Netflix should carry them. And the Church should have a culture of openness. And. And. many things.

Back from Chile

There's something about going some place beautiful that is also not super touristy. You just stand there and look at the scenery and go: wow. is this real? Am I here? That was Iceland for me, and also again, the southern parts of Chile. There were no tourists because we were going for business, to see salmon farms.

The people in Chile are really warm and hospitable, and the men are chivalrous. When I attempted to draw a comparison between the US's southern hospitality and Chilean hospitality, one of my white team members from the midwest was like: 'Southern hospitality is selective. Basically they're only hospitable to white people.' I heard another white American from the northeast say that he was fine with the southern friendliness in the US because it's "fake friendliness", but he thought the midwest genuine friendliness was creepy, since he was uncomfortable with random strangers really wanting to know how he was doing. Interesting right? Maybe the midwest isn't so bad after all

Hospitality. The Kosher Jewish guy on my team decided to visit a synagogue in Chile, and a family invited him over for dinner. He said that in every country where he has visited synagogues, he always gets invited to someone's house for dinner. I asked if that was the case in the US--if Americans would invite foreigners who came to their synagogues for dinner, and he said that was less likely, but it almost always happens in a foreign country. Interesting right? US isn't so great at hospitality, but the bible places a huge emphasis on we should be hospitable.

Chilean men greet women with a cheek-to-cheek air kiss. Women also greet women the same. Men just shake hands with each other. A guy on my team from California said that it wasn't that different from the US, because he shakes his guy-friends' hands first, and then it turns into a hug after that if they're close, but he would never shake a girl's hand if they're friends; he only gives girls hugs. I thought about my interactions/observations with guys at Ross, and I realized that it was true. Pretty interesting. After being in Chile and getting a lot of cheek kisses, I understood more of the heart of what the verses in the bible mean when it says to "greet one another with a holy kiss". It's a genuine friendly warm gesture. In the US, it's like a hug.

Anyway, the Chile trip was great for its breath-taking scenery, as well as reminder of the genuine warm hospitality/love that should be more prevalent in Church.

Missing home?

I miss spring break and being home with our neighbor's dog that we borrow, doing math homework with my brother, taking pictures of him and his friends, and cutting his hair...

MBA has been great, but I'm not really close with that many people, or maybe even no one at all depending on the standard of closeness. Not surprising. It's common among those who aren't hardcore party-people who get close real quick from alcohol and late nights. I mean I love all my classmates and always enjoy the camaraderie in group projects and I light up when I see people I know. But sometimes at night, I just miss home, miss my brother, this cute fuzzy hyper dog, ...

Icy is our neighbor's 2 yr old dog, half pomeranian, half husky. Very hyperactive, but at night she's calm and sprawls over the floor and sleeps





In college I never missed home, so I didn't really get it when others did. And I never had a dog that I missed either, but I've heard that before too. To be honest, I don't think I actually miss the dog that I don't own. I just miss seeing the cute fuzzball sleep. I miss the dog because I miss the cuteness and perhaps I miss what it represents when it's sleeping vulnerably like that. It's so pure, simple and cute. Hates being alone--keeps barking until you let her sit next to you; then she's fine. I looked up dog personalities for each breed. Pomeranian scores very low on "tolerates being alone". You don't need to play with her, you just need to put her right next to you. Dogs are like little kids. It's amazing how much they are driven by good food and play and proximity.