Passion

I really admire how passionate people are about things they like. Some of my classmates are passionate about the healthcare industry. Some are passionate about the Women in Leadership conference and are sending us personalized emails telling us to go.

It's funny because, as I was thinking about how I wish I had some passion, I suddenly remembered a time in high school when I played tennis. I was totally obsessed and passionate about getting into Varsity. I had a ball machine and would go practice after dinner every day.

One time, these 2 women were in the court next to me, just casually playing and chatting. And they started talking about me. One of them said to the other: I wish my children were that passionate about something.

I guess I used to be one of those passionate people that others admired.

But you know what. Passion fades. I mean, passion comes from somewhere. Maybe it's an experience you've had. Or another special reason or motivation for why you are passionate about something. For tennis, I just wanted to be someone. I wanted to be glorious and win matches that actually mattered. I wanted to be better than other people. Because that feels good.

And now I feel like I'm past that. Except not really. Career is the new tennis.

What are you passionate about? I can't say that I'm just passionate about being valued. It has to actually be a subject, like healthcare, or supply chain management, or technology or operations. It has to be a story that makes sense to recruiters. But really, at the end of the day, I know what I really want. I want to be expert at something. Why? Because that means I'm creating value, and that I'm valuable.

Recruiting for a completely new industry is stressing me out. I feel like I transplanted myself back to Senior year of college when all the jobless people got together just to talk about how they wished they did computer science-- a time when I felt like I had nothing valuable to offer to recruiters because of my low GPA. Except this time, it's not my GPA, but my introversion and non-outgoing-ness. Around engineers and other introverted people, it was easy to be able to small talk, but now I'm surrounded by super outgoing people, so it's harder.

Just let me say

Tuesday, I was having worship time by myself on the piano with my usual binder of worship songs. I played "Just let me say how much I love you", and "Listen to our hearts"

I haven't chosen songs like that in a while because I didn't feel qualified or real/authentic/genuine singing about how much I love God. I preferred songs about the cross and Jesus, than singing about my love for God. I just wasn't so sure that I was qualified to say that I love God. I'd feel more comfortable singing about His love for me than the other way around. But when I did that on Tuesday--sang those two songs--it was so powerful because I do actually love Him, and the expression in song released what was inside.

I love Him because He first loved me, and my song to Him is a response to His love. 

"Listen to our hearts" also has special significance to me because I can still remember during my college years, one of the 'alum' who had gone MIA during my sophomore or junior year, came back (to God) when I was a senior, and led us in this song on the guitar. At the time, I couldn't even sing the song. All I could do was cry, out of joy that he came back.

And I recorded all of us singing it:

Back from Iceland

Iceland feels like a hidden gem. It's really extremely beautiful, especially if you go on a long enough trip, with "off road" vehicles that can cross through rivers and get you to the beautiful scenic places... (and hopefully it's not raining). Landmannalaugar was my favorite

I felt so incredibly blessed to see all the mountains, sheep, waterfalls, geysers, glaciers--water and ice all in one place! The tour guides said that they are constantly discovering new beautiful places. One of them said that his favorite place in Iceland, he only just discovered 1 month ago.

I think it was by far the most beautiful trip I've been on. And the best part is that none of the places are super touristy. (other than the blue lagoon)

So that's my plug for Iceland. Best time to go is mid-september to october, before the snow hits, but after which you can see the northern lights.

Now preparing for class tomorrow. Listening to music while printing, organizing and reading case studies. Going back to school feels a bit scary. The Alum kept saying how busy we will be, juggling recruiting, homework and "networking"/socializing. I think a couple years ago, I'd have enough energy to handle that, but now I'm just not confident that I have that much energy.

I'm scared, but I know God is with me even in the scariest times, and that my strength is from Him.

The Prodigal Son

Heard this song again on the radio today

 I feel like the prodigal son who has returned home.
The father warmly embraces him and is relentless in pouring out his love towards his son.
It never says how the son feels in response to his father's great love. It only says that at first the son wanted to be a slave,  but it never says afterwards if the son was able to really feel and receive all the love he was given. Or if he felt awkward. I can hardly imagine the younger son being like "Daddy's let's go do this!! Let's go play!" and the relationship being restored immediately to an intimate father-son relationship. Maybe he felt awkward and couldn't fully receive all the love right away.

I think that's how I feel. Or felt.
Free, but awkward.

It's similar to having a father who rarely ever said "I love you" and hugged you, but now does it all the time.

A sister prayed for me and she said she saw me walking in a house that used to be slanted, but now the house was flat/straight, but I was still hesitant to walk because I still felt like it was slanted even though it wasn't anymore.

While listening to the song, I was reminded of a sister who prayed for me. I didn't know her at all; she just felt led to pray for us. When she prayed for me and looked at me, water started coming in her eyes. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes as she spoke. At that moment, I felt God's eyes looking at me and His love towards me, and I knew that He knew. That He knows, and that He feels.

Sometimes you think of the prodigal son's story, and you just think about the big party the father throws, and the ring and cloak, the restoration of sonship. But it's not just the celebration. Father knows the journey it took to come back, and entire experience you had of leaving. Of course, He is the one who leads you back, but He also knows and feels. Sometimes you think of the phrase "forgive and forget", and yes, God forgives you as if it never happened, but that doesn't mean He doesn't also know you intimately.  He looks at me with tear-filled eyes that radiate with love. With these eyes, He says to me: Welcome home Jamie

In Your Hands

I'm going to start blogging again

Really blessed by this song by Melody Hwang
David Hwang, her father, shared this song with me at Singing Waters

https://soundcloud.com/melodyhwangmusic/in-your-hands 

Old people are good at talking

Maybe it's a gift old people have..
They're good at talking about themselves, talking about their memories, talking about others, talking about ducks, the moon, any subject everrr
They're good at talking to strangers... like cashiers, people at the YMCA, Costco..

Not all old people, but old people in general are better at talking than young people, especially to strangers. Probably because they're not selfishly counting their precious time and trying to get from destination A to destination B while multi-tasking (and therefore cannot make eye contact with anyone on the way)

They're also much better at talking about God to others, like naturally, and intentionally, but naturally

It's like my mom. She could be talking about how to get into Harvard, and then 5 minutes later, she's talking about God. I was like.. O_O... did you really just transition from : "America is really fair; it accepts people from all different school systems/backgrounds" to "The bible also does not discriminate" !

Same thing this morning. We left our Muslim roommate in a coffee shop next to Church while we went to Church. This old couple who went to the first service of the Church was in the coffee shop and spotted our roommate and started talking to her.

I noticed that sometimes younger people are more afraid to take hold of opportunities because they're afraid of coming off as one of "those Christians". Like the ones on TV with posters saying you're going to hell. Basically they're afraid of not seeming cool.

Funny thing is that one of my coworkers saw bible verses on my desk and was like: What's this?
I said: bible verses. (I didn't elaborate or take hold of the opportunity!!! I didn't even look at her while she was looking at my bible verses. I didn't ask her what she thought of them. I didn't do or say anything! because I thought that the presence of the verses themselves was enough of a witness, but I could have taken better hold of the opportunity)
She was then like: oh wow. I thought you were cool.
I was like huh?
She's like: I thought you were too cool for bible verses

Now thinking about it. I probably am. My mom always says I super suck at talking about God. I admit that I lose a lot of opportunities.

I will never forget my first house church experience in Shanghai. They introduced me to another ABC girl who was there as a tent-maker teaching English at the school. The girl asked what my name was.
Then, suddenly, she reached out, put her hand on my shoulder and was like: "Are you a believer?" It was such an amazing experience. She just got straight to the point and there was so much love and care in her words. Like she cared about my salvation. It was so amazing

the real MBA application

Today I told my current manager and previous manager that I'm applying for MBA

Finally got that off my chest. 

Now I need to get going on those application essays. 

Application essays, recommendations, resumes, and interviews (if you get to that part)... so many pieces of the application to worry about. I was pretty stressed this past week deciding how many (and which) schools to apply to in round 1. Stalked quite a few people on LinkedIn and sent a few random MBA alumni messages/questions

Just now, I was lying on my bed, de-stressing. I started daydreaming about telling a particular person about Christ and bringing him and his wife to Church. Then I was like: sigh. God, Why am I getting an MBA? (in my head I was illogically thinking, what's the point of an MBA if I still suck at telling people about God?--of course that is unrelated and on its own separate learning track). But the question is still valid anyway. Why do I want an MBA? God, why do you want me to get an MBA?

I always make sure, that even when I make my own plans for life, that I am willing to, at any moment, give up all of my plans and let Jesus divert/change them. 

So I was ready. On my bed. I was like: sure, I can give it all up now. Even though I've told my managers and I've taken the GMAT. I am ready to give it all up. 

(That was just a heart check. I didn't feel any conviction to give it up or anything. )

The real MBA application is with God. If you think the admissions committee (adcom) can tell you're bluffing your essays, God can tell even more if you're bluffing your heart with Him. That's why God's application is always the toughest. --because we sometimes don't even understand our own heart. Or our childhood. Or our upbringing. Or our emotions. But the best part about God's application is you don't need a set career goal or life plan. It's all about you and God. It's like marriage. 

It's kind of like how when my boss asked my colleague a question, and my colleague replied: "let me call and ask the real boss" (aka his fiance).