Be the Loud Worshipper

Be the loud worshipper. Lift out your hands and sing your entire heart out to the one who is catching you. Or hugging you. Sometimes you can't tell the difference. It's like you've grown up. Maybe if things at work are going great, if you are feeling super accomplished and useful you'll forget all that is needed in the world beyond "just business". The personal world that is at once more meaningful and dark, and beautiful and complicated. 

At the end of the day, lift up your hands and praise the One who holds them. With dove's eyes, overwhelmed by His love. 

Have-more-want-more syndrome

So, visiting my distant half-relatives in China was an interesting experience.

This one older guy (50s/60s) was telling me that 15 years ago all people wanted was not to be hungry, but now what people want is a house and a car. So if you dont have a house and a car, you can't get a wife.

Quite interesting. Then, when I got back to the states, I was quite thankful for my job, since I'm comparing with folks in China (more specifically the slightly poorer regions of China), my job is very good. But now and again, I'm finding myself wanting more than what I already have. Perhaps a job that lets me work M-F instead of Tues-Sat. Perhaps a better area, one that has more people.. Perhaps a better Church that hangs out outside of Church activities..

The list is never ending. it's like trying to find the things to fill that feeling inside that something is missing. Maybe it's lack of direction in life. Lack of purpose or calling. Where am I going? Where are you leading me? I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe I am. Maybe I miss college, and the fellowship. Maybe I miss hugs, touches and deep conversations. Maybe I miss worshipping in living rooms. Maybe I miss seeing people totally in love with Jesus. Maybe I miss encouraging my brothers and sisters, and having them encourage me. I do. I do miss these things, and it's not easy to be a self-starter, to start what you see is missing from your community. It's much easier to do my own thing and ignore the 'something's missing' feeling.

Lease is ending

My lease is ending and my roommate is leaving, all of which comes with a lot of thinking...

Frequently ask myself "What do I want?"  And boy is that a difficult question

 Do I want a townhouse so I can host parties and gatherings? But then who would live with me? ... Do I want another random roommate again? If I have a random roommate, I can't really invite people over as easily...And is that all I want, is that what it boils down to? Inviting people over?  (or does it actually boil down to the search for college life and friendships again?)

"What do I want?" What kind of life am I imagining? Whatever it is, it won't be remedied by having a house or a place of my own. My desires are too deep for such a shallow solution. Ah, but anyway I still need to decide very soon whether to renew my contract, find a different apartment, or (make my mom) buy a townhouse.

dur

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that what he cannot lose

 just reading through my favorite quotes. I can't believe this super cliche popular quote could still stand out

duh stupid. why is it so easy to miss the big picture.......  we can't keep any of this anyway; whatever comfortable great position and life state we are in, it won't last forever. You can't keep it. In high school, it was my teachers. Sadly, they change every year. And now... it's everything... any part of my life could change at any given moment. Working at a fast paced brand new continuously growing company instills this lack-of-comfort-zone mentality in you. One month you could be working with someone, and the next thing you know, they've been switched to another group. And the next thing you know you're in charge of their project instead. That kind of thing x10. Rules change, HR policies change, group dynamics change. In a way I'm grateful for this fast paced industry. At least I can learn (again and again) that nothing ever stays the same, and there is no one and no situation that I can ever keep.

Hard to let go of the planner and forecasting mentality. "Life's an adventure"-- Well, that's only really romantic if you are adventuring it with someone. And I guess I do have someone; I just forget sometimes. That's probably why I haven't been seeing it as an adventure lately.

一口一口

Visited a Chinese church this past Sunday, where the pastor showed this cartoon

一口不能吃出个胖子，但胖却是一口一口吃出来的
(One bite cannot make you a fatso, but fatness comes about one bite at a time)

And this applies to many other aspects of life as well, like spiritual disciplines, raising kids, making friends, living life

Your worship pastor has been removed

Have not been attending my "home" church for the past few weeks, due to 'visiting' other churches (I guess college patterns die hard--but i just want to meet more christians in the area.... ). "home church" meaning the church I have "chosen" --(as in chosen to tell people I am apart of lol).

Anyway I got this email today saying that the worship pastor of my "home church" has been removed due to having multiple full-on, ongoing affairs with several women in the Church.... I was very surprised, even though, in general, I am not surprised at these kind of things. The Church is really really biblical and firm in doctrine and emphasis on discipleship, etc. It's not one of those dead churches, nor one of those weak churches that water down the gospel. The people there do really try to pursue God in their lives, at least the ones in my bible study.

But, yea, it's not that surprising, since looking at my own life, I feel like I could so, so easily do something like that. Lead a double life and think that nothing is wrong just because I feel great. And what about the women who joined in? I bet they thought they were Christian, even while being involved in all that. I bet they were just lonely and fell into it. It must be something very easy to fall into.

We are so easily deceived, so easily led astray, so prone to wander. So, so prone to wander. That's why we need each other. People in your lives to say:  yo, what the hell are you doing. wake up.
People to speak wisdom and truth into our lives when that foggy blinding haze falls on us

Come and go

People come and go, and you're standing there, at the airport. Not sure if there's any place to go or anyone to go with. Homesick but you don't know where your home is. If home is where your heart is, why is home constantly leaving. You realize you've found a home, and then find it is just as fleeting as the one before. Then when you've gone through several homes, you realize life is just like this.

Except that it's not. sigh. Thinking again too much these days. Actually not really thinking. Just emotionally weak.